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Hey Evan, I am writing to you from a pseudonym because I’m a public figure and could use your advice! I may not be a household name, but I have enough of a recognizability that makes online dating impossible. Even if I put up a profile that is vague about exactly what I do, people will know my photo and it would create gossip that I am on a dating site, and this is something I cannot do.
At first glance, you may think my question is too niche to answer, but I think this is something relevant to for example business leaders and people of some recognizability, and these days more and more people have online fame for different reasons.
In the past I have tried dating others in a similar position as me, but it hasn’t worked out for different reasons. After a recent dud, involving the son of a very famous actor, I have been reading your blog thoroughly and I want to commit to putting your words of wisdom into practice. I realize that finding a great relationship isn’t about my own status or accomplishments, or the other person’s, and I am more than willing to date a “regular” guy who values me!
My question is – how do you think I should go about meeting and finding these guys, considering my public status? Online dating is simply not possible, and there are some activities I cannot take part in such as singles events.
AKA Lily
AKA Lily wrote to me! I’m so excited! Now I can say I’m a “celebrity” dating coach!
Teasing you, Lily.
Still, it’s important to recognize that unless you’re a Hollywood celebrity or newscaster who is consistently on TV, the majority of people don’t know you. I’ve worked with a few semi-famous folks who were convinced they were big time, but, in fact, were able to date online in almost-perfect anonymity. Sure, a handful of people recognized them, but for the most part, they were another face in a vast sea of online dating profiles. If you’re an online entrepreneur or self-help author (like me), you are well-known in one arena, but nameless to most folks who don’t consume this kind of information. Pretty much all of my friends would never have heard of me if they didn’t already know me. Few read self-help. Few are internet entrepreneurs. Most are married. And so on.
To your point, Lily, I will acknowledge that the internet has created many levels of fame, and so I must assume that you’re as important as you say you are. 🙂
So here are my three free answers as to how recognizable people (like us!) can create a love life from scratch:
1. You CAN date online — just without a photo.
“Without a photo? Are you crazy? Who’s going to write to me?” Believe me, I’ve heard it all before. But I’m telling you: this is the best strategy around for both celebrities (and really attractive women who are inundated by incoming responses).
Point is that if you won’t date online, won’t go to Meetups or singles events because of your celebrity status, but really want to meet a guy, you have to make things happen.
Write a kick-ass profile, post it on Match or OkCupid, and initiate contact with one new guy a day in a fun, flirty way using the Opinion Opener technique outlined here. He’ll respond, he’ll ask for a photo, you’ll send it to him via Gmail, screen him by phone, and meet in person.
Is it more work than letting hundreds of emails passively roll in due to your beauty? Yes. But you don’t have to deal with all the riff-raff. The only men you’ll talk to are men YOU’VE chosen. That’s a pretty cool and pretty powerful way to experience online dating.
The most beautiful woman I ever dated wrote to me on Match without a photo and I’ve been recommending this advice since my first book in 2004.
This is so much more empowering than the next two options that I’d be extremely disappointed if you didn’t try it.
2. You can hire a matchmaker.
I’m close with a lot of matchmakers, and while I egotistically feel that if you have me, you don’t need them, there are many bright and busy people who prefer to outsource their love lives.
I can’t name any of my favorites here, since I’m friends with so many, but Google is your friend.
Here’s what to expect from matchmakers:
Pro: Someone else finds men, screens men, vets men, introduces men to you. You have higher chance of quality-assurance than if you’re browsing strangers online.
Con: You have no say over your first dates, you only get 10 introductions in a year, it’s a bit of a crap-shoot, and you only meet the kind of guys who are in matchmaker’s databases. Plus, it’s a shit-ton of money — usually $10K+
Whatever you did to become famous — take a fraction of that effort to create love, and you will find love. I truly believe that.
Alternative: Instead of hiring a matchmaker, you can put yourself in a database of a matchmaker who only works with men. The good news is that you’ll end up with Millionaire Matchmaker kind of guys. The bad news is that you’ll end up with Millionaire Matchmaker kind of guys. Joking. Sort of. But you can be a “resource” for a matchmaker for men, you can meet “high-end” guys who are usually looking for someone REALLY young and REALLY pretty, which is why they’re hiring matchmakers.
3. You can put the word out.
Rachel Greenwald wrote a book called Find a Husband After 35 — and it’s pretty much a business plan to get into action. Go to parties. Participate in social networking. Make plans with cool single girlfriends. Say yes to all invitations. Tell your girlfriends (and guy friends) that you’re looking to be set up. Hell, post it on Facebook (if you’re not too embarrassed).
Point is that if you won’t date online, won’t go to Meetups or singles events because of your celebrity status, but really want to meet a guy, you have to make things happen.
Whatever you did to become famous — take a fraction of that effort to create love, and you will find love. I truly believe that.
P.S. I am SO glad I don’t have to date now. It was weird back from 2004-2007 when I had two books, a bunch of TV appearances and a website. I’d be absolutely petrified now with social media and blogs. How can you act natural on a date if anyone can just go online and trash you afterwards? How can you make a move? How can you reject someone? Man, I dodged a bullet!
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