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Do you feel those “first date nerves”?
It’s normal to want to put our best selves forward on a first date . . . but sometimes this makes us hide who we really are. And that’s a shame, because someone may not see the real version of us—the one they’d want to see again and again.
So how do you create authentic attraction early on? What are the things you could do that would make someone excited for a second date with you? In today’s new video, I share 3 natural ways to get and keep someone’s interest on a first date and beyond.
I look forward to reading your comments.
Why is it so many people don’t get a text back after a first date?
In this video, I want to give you three things that you can do on a date that make it much more likely that that date turns into another date.
The idea for this came from someone I recently coached who came to me and said, “I had a very difficult marriage. It has left me very guarded after the divorce. I had to become independent. I had to become my own person. And now, when I date, I get told a lot that I am scary, that I am intimidating, and it doesn’t seem to go anywhere. What’s going on?”
Anyone out there who has been hurt a lot will naturally be on guard when they’re dating again. We are looking for red flags. We’re looking for warning signs that someone has an agenda or an ulterior motive—that they are going to hurt us. And when we go into a date with that energy, it can come across as a very strong energy. It can come across as an energy that says, “I don’t need anyone.” It can come across as a lack of vulnerability.
Now, people use all sorts of words when they feel these things from us: “You’re a little scary,” “You’re a little intimidating,” “I don’t know how I’d ever feel needed by you.”
But what it really comes down to is they’re seeing one side of us and they’re not seeing the other side of us that they may need to see to truly feel like there is that polarity that they’re looking for. And polarity is often associated with lots and lots of language around masculine and feminine. Whenever a woman says, “I feel like I intimidate guys,” the go-to is, “Well, you need to be in your feminine.”
I don’t know that it’s entirely wrong. I just end up getting a little bit bored and frankly confused by the language around these things. And it ends up becoming a kind of obsession with masculine and feminine, and one that I don’t find all that interesting.
To me, dates need polarity. People need polarity, especially in romantic situations. We need to know that we both are, not all the time but sometimes, in an energy that is attractive to the other person. And I don’t think we need to be that energy all the time. I think it’s just we need to be that energy enough that someone sees that they have that magnetism in that way with you some of the time.
Let’s take this woman who came to me. She would show up on a date very guarded. She’d almost show up with that kind of boss-like energy, independent, done a lot in her life, taken care of a lot in her life, and I believe that it was stopping the person on the date from really getting to know the real her.
So, I’m gonna tell you three things that I told her that if you find that you’re guarded and it makes you cover up other parts of yourself—the softer, more sensitive, more playful, more fun part of yourself, the more affectionate part of yourself, then I think these are really going to help you.
Number one: Lead with your most beautiful energy. You get to decide what your most beautiful energy is, but imagine yourself around the people that you’re most comfortable with. Imagine yourself if you were bringing out your core and what that core is really like, whether it’s a very affectionate person, a very sweet person, a very playful person, a person who laughs a lot, a person who is very smiley, a person who’s very curious, very interested. Bring that person forward first.
Many people struggle to do that because they’ve been hurt before, so they show up to a date with their guard up because they’re trying to protect themselves and they don’t want to get hurt again.
What we have to do is flip our normal way of doing things. Instead of bringing the version of us that is guarded and in control all the time and doesn’t need anybody and can handle it all on our own, and then if someone proves themselves to be lovely and have good intentions and be worthy of our time and energy, we soften up and start bringing them all of the good stuff.
We should flip it and say, “I’m gonna bring them the good stuff, not in terms of my time and my investment and my intimacy, but in terms of energy on a date, I’m going to bring them the good stuff. And then, if at any point I find that they’re not really trying, they’re inconsistent, they’re disrespectful, or they’re just not giving me enough, that’s when the independent me comes out.”
The strong, independent energy can come along when it’s needed. It’s not something that we have to lead with in the beginning, because being on a date is not about showing up and showing how strong you are. Being on a date is about showing up and connecting with another human being.
For anyone who is watching this and wants to not simply watch my videos on YouTube, which I very much appreciate, but actually wants to come on a coaching journey with me to get results faster in your love life, I have a free event called Dating With Results that you can watch right now.
In it, I show you the reasons we’re struggling so much in love, and I help you understand the practical things that you can start doing this week to find love faster. Come over to datingwithresults.com. You can watch this event for free. This is not a paid ticket event. It’s just my way of giving you something practical and substantial that can help you exponentially in your love life if it’s a priority for you right now. Go over to datingwithresults.com, and I’ll see you over there for this amazing event.
The second thing to bring on a date is vulnerability. Vulnerability isn’t, by the way, sharing all of your worst stories early on in the dating process. It’s not about revealing information that someone shouldn’t know about you that quickly.
Vulnerability is giving someone a glimpse of who you are at your core, the things that you’re passionate about, a sense of what you’re really like. And we cover up who we really are by constantly talking about what we do, what we’ve achieved, what we’re good at. And these things tend to be this identity that we’ve constructed for ourselves that we wear on a date as a way to be impressive or to be in some way, you know, we may not directly want to be intimidating, but there’s a part of our ego that may want to be intimidating. There’s a part of our ego that may show up to a date wanting to be better than, or wanting to show that “I am somebody.” “Don’t think I’m nobody—I’m somebody.” And all of that is ego.
And ego can get us into a lot of trouble on a date, because it can stop us from being seen for who we really are, and it can also stop us from seeing who someone else really is, which is what we achieve through curiosity, through looking at the other person and discovering who they really are instead of trying to assert who we are.
Notice when you catch yourself talking about the things that are designed to make you look or feel important. Those things are a defense and they are us just slipping into talking about what we feel comfortable talking about instead of what’s actually going to generate a deeper connection.
Imagine you’re the most famous musician in the entire world. You could go on a date talking about the huge stadium you just played, or you could talk about music. One of them is talking from a place of ego. The other is talking about what you care about.
Number three: Look to bring out the best in that person. We bring out the best in someone when we ask questions that allow them to reveal what’s important to them. When we show a genuine curiosity about the things that they’ve learned in their life or the insights they have about life. When we show that we’re genuinely impressed by aspects of them. This isn’t about fawning over someone and it’s not about talking about qualities that aren’t really there just to flatter that person. It’s about genuinely being present enough with someone that you actually slow down enough to notice the little things along the way that make them interesting—that make them a uniquely impressive or distinct person.
What makes them like someone you haven’t come across before? Or what are they saying that’s just funny and you can be very vulnerable in laughing at it and letting them know that was funny? What can you notice about this person that allows you to see the best in them and allows them, therefore, to feel their best around you?
Shakespeare said of his character Falstaff that he wasn’t just a wit, but a cause of wit in others. That’s one of the greatest things we can be, right?
Ego—again, that word ego—ego is being a source of wit, being a great wit, being funny, being intelligent. But to be a cause of intelligence in others, a cause of wit in others, if we can be the person that brings out these great qualities in other people, then they will feel their best around us. They will feel appreciated by us. Again, so many of us are so concerned with showing how impressive we are on a date that we don’t make someone else feel like they’re their best around us.
And by the way, there’s always going to be a criticism of this kind of content that whenever someone says, “I keep intimidating people. What do I do?” their response will be, “You need to find people who aren’t intimidated by you. If you’re intimidating people, then they’re too small. Don’t make yourself smaller to make other people comfortable.”
I always find that comment to be (a) overly simplistic and (b) lacking in some basic empathy and compassion.
I actually understand where it comes from, because I know that for so many women especially, they have come across men who don’t value women, don’t respect women, are genuinely intimidated when a woman can do basically anything and they’re feeling threatened by that. I understand all of that and a lot of people have been very hurt.
So when you’ve come out of a place of being hurt and when you’ve learned that you can’t trust people to accept you, then of course, it creates a mindset of, “I’m gonna go and just create my life then. Fuck this whole thing. I’m just gonna go and create my life and be my best self and stop feeling like I need to dim my light for anybody . . . because I put up with that for way too long.”
I understand the origins of that kind of feeling, but I think what we have to do is almost step back from the kind of baggage of our history, the baggage of gender that comes up a lot in videos like this, and instead just go, “Everybody wants to feel needed. Everybody wants to feel like they have something to contribute.”
And are we the kind of person, when we’re around people, whether it’s in life or on a date, who makes others feel like they have something they can bring to the table—something that makes them feel like they would be a necessary part of a team with us?
I remember listening to Ed Catmull, the former president of Pixar, talk about creativity at Pixar, and how important it was that directors were given a voice and that they weren’t just dwarfed by more powerful voices in the room. And one of those powerful voices was Steve Jobs. Steve Jobs owned Pixar. And Ed begged Steve not to be in the room when all of the directors were collaborating creatively about a movie, because what he knew was that if Steve Jobs came into the room, all of a sudden, it would shut people down.
I find this really interesting in a business context, because Steve wasn’t someone who was making himself smaller and dimming his light as a way to prop up the other creatives’ egos. Steve just had to recognize what his power was in that situation—that he was revered, respected, in some ways, feared, and that if he spoke first, if he didn’t make space for other people to be their best, they would never become their best in that environment. And that became the power of Pixar—is that people were given the space and the environment to actually become their best.
Now, in a business context, we see this as a very powerful thing—this idea of leaders speaking last and creating space for everyone else to be great. That’s seen as a very empowered thing. But often, when it’s translated into the realm of relationships, we start to conflate it with misogyny, the baggage of gender, the idea of people dimming their lights and having to prop up other people’s fragile egos. And I actually find that to be a massive distraction.
I’m not saying that there aren’t dynamics where a clear misogyny occurs. What I’m saying is people will want to be around us if the way we bring our force, our power to the table still makes space for their power, still makes space for them to be their best around us and to feel like we bring out and see the best in them.
If you want to create more second dates, number one, lead with your best energy instead of holding it back until you feel safe. Number two, show your vulnerability. And number three, bring out the best in the person opposite you by the way you are around them.
Let me know in the comments what you think about all of this. Let me know what you’re interested in about what I’ve talked about, what you’d like more of, and anything you’d like to add of your own. I look forward to reading your comments.
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