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I’ve been on record for saying how much I dislike texting. I even found a chart to tell you when to text and when not to text.
But texting MUST be the icing; it can’t be the cake.
The real issue is that texting is ubiquitous and it’s not going anywhere soon. Instead of using it as a way to say hi or let you know he’s running late, it becomes a crutch for real relationship communication. These days, there are men who use it as the ONLY way of keeping in touch. There are women who use it as the ONLY way of having a serious discussion.
These are inherently flawed strategies. A first-person piece on CNN.com concurs:
“A short text in the middle of the day to let someone know you are thinking of them is a sweet gesture. But if you imagine that sending a daily barrage of texts, such as “driving to work, heading to lunch, or just left a meeting” is a romantic way to show you are thinking of your partner, think again.”
To clarify – if these texts are used in ADDITION to phone, email, and actual dates, they’re fine. I text my wife to ask her to pick up something from the grocery store when she’s out. She texts me from the kitchen to tell me she loves me. But texting MUST be the icing; it can’t be the cake.
Yet that’s what’s been established. Men collect phone numbers online. They text five women at the same time. They never pick up the phone to make a true connection, because they want to keep their options open. And women complain that men aren’t stepping up to the plate.
They’re right in one regard – texting is a shitty form of communication. But it’s not HIS fault if the texting persists; ultimately it’s yours. If you accept that he only texts you, never calls you, never asks you out for a proper date, you’re tacitly CONDONING this behavior.
What incentive does he have to step up to the plate if he can get away with a minute of phone foreplay? Why SHOULD he call? Why SHOULD he plan dates? Really, if he can text you, on Friday night at 10: “Come over, I miss you,”. And you DO IT?! There’s no reason for him to spend more time, more money, more energy, or more emotion on you. He’s having his cake and eating it, too.
You want a guy to treat you like a serious relationship candidate instead of part of a harem? Insist on being treated that way.
“Thanks, cutie! I turn off my cell phone at night, but you can call me on my landline after 9. Talk to you then!”
“Aw, Jeff, you’re adorable. But if you want to see me, you’re gonna have to try a little harder. You have your phone in your hand. I have my phone in my hand. Press the little green dial button and see what happens!”
You want a guy to treat you like a serious relationship candidate instead of part of a harem? Insist on being treated that way.
“Glad to hear you’re having a great day, Brad. You know what would make it even better? If you were to hear the dulcet tones of my voice. 🙂 Hit me up tonight after I get back from the gym, okay?”
If the guy doesn’t respond, ignores your requests for phone time, and treats the phone as if it’s only a means to text, you know what you do?
You cut him loose. No emotion. Matter of fact.
“You seem like a good guy, Alan, but I’m not looking for a texting buddy, I’m looking for a boyfriend. And since all you’ve done is text me twice a week for the past six weeks without any increased effort, I’m going to take that as a sign that you’re not that interested in a relationship. No hard feelings. I wish you the best of luck in your search. Take care.”
Don’t be afraid that you’re losing your potential boyfriend. You’re not. You’re freeing yourself of the burden of waiting for an indifferent man to show you he cares. If he cared about you, he’d WANT to call you, WANT to see you, WANT to commit to you.
The texter has already shown his stripes. All you’re doing is calling him on it.
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