How To Meet Men In Your 40s

I am 44 years old and entering the dating scene again for the first time in 25 years. Where do you go to meet someone my age? I am not doing the online singles sites…that is just scary to me. I don’t go to church. I am new in town, with a few happily married friends. I have four grown who are trying to set me up (I love them, but what a nightmare!!). What do single people do at 40 and over? So much of my time was taken up with caring for someone else that now I just don’t know how to fill that time. Any suggestions?

Loriann

Thanks for highlighting an important principle for women over 40 seeking love:

You will not find it unless you do something differently.

You said it yourself. You’re new in town. Your friends are married. You don’t go to church. You won’t date online because it’s scary.

What do you expect me to tell you? No, really. What?

Every day I get emails from single women who want one-on-one dating coaching but don’t want to try online dating. I tell each one the same exact thing:

“If you’re dating a few men right now and can guarantee me that you’ll have at least one date a week for the duration of our time together, we can start coaching. If not, what exactly are we going to talk about for the next six months?”

They usually come back with a “Well, I thought, as a dating coach, you’d have some ideas on meeting single men. Isn’t that what dating coaching is all about?”

No, that’s what articles in Marie Claire are all about:

“The Ten Top Spots to Meet Hot Guys!”

Here, I spared you the trouble of Googling it: The 44 Best Places to Meet Eligible Men

Where to Meet Men If You’re Over 40?

Without giving anything away, Loriann, here are the actual and best places to meet men as recommended by a site called AllWomensTalk: 

• the bar
• the market
• Online
• Church
• The water cooler
• Newspapers
• College
• Friends
• The gym
• Restaurants
• Work
• Vacation
• Parks
• Airplanes

Where does this leave you? Apparently, it means standing around a lot, hoping that a cute, age-appropriate, interested single guy happens upon you at the bar, the market, college, the gym, restaurants, parks, and airplanes.

So if it’s not already abundantly clear, dating advice is not about WHERE to meet men. It’s about attracting men, understanding men, and making them want to stick around forever and ever. That’s what I do for my clients every single day.

It’s about attracting men, understanding men, and making them want to stick around forever and ever. That’s what I do for my clients every single day.

As to where to meet men, yes, there’s one place that’s more effective in meeting single guys and making introductions than 100 visits to Whole Foods and Art History class combined.

It’s called Match, OKCupid, Bumble, Hinge, and Tinder. It’s open 24 hours a day. And it costs a lot less than getting on a plane and hoping to sit next to a 45-year-old eligible bachelor. (To be clear, this isn’t an endorsement of any specific online dating site or dating app, but rather an endorsement of online dating and dating apps in general)

I highly suggest you get over your fear of online dating, not because it’s perfect by any stretch of the imagination, but because it’s ubiquitous and effective in creating opportunities. Rather than dip your toe in the water and give up because you’re intimidated, I highly encourage you to check out Finding the One Online, in which I hold your hand through the entire online dating process, from getting over your fears of dating in your 40s, to choosing a website, to writing the best dating profile, to tips on how to meet men in your 40s, to flirting with potential partners and so on.

You don’t have to be single if you don’t want to be, Loriann. But if you won’t go outside your comfort zone, I can pretty much assure you that nothing will change.

…if you won’t go outside your comfort zone, I can pretty much assure you that nothing will change.