How You Can Instantly Get Over Being Insecure On a Date

Last year I went skiing for the second time in my life with my wife and another couple. The other couple was experienced. My wife had gone a bunch of times before we met. That left me completely alone as the novice of the group.

So after four hours of lessons in Big Bear — practicing the snowplow while surrounded by 5-year-olds — it was time to take the chairlift up the mountain for my first run.

I was INCREDIBLY nervous.

I felt an intense fear in the pit of my stomach, and barely spoke to my wife on the way up.

I was worried about embarrassing myself in front of friends, tearing my ACL, and any other number of things that could happen from the top of the mountain to the bottom.

Then, I looked down and watched the effortless slaloming of hundreds of children. I suddenly realized that my fear was MADE-UP. If millions of people enjoy skiing — and do it without having a heart attack — that meant I had to push through my own paralysis.

Two hours and 8 runs down the mountain and I discovered that I ENJOYED skiing.

We all have fears — and no, we can’t merely think them away — but I think it’s essential to work to overcome them, instead of letting them run your life.

In spite of the fact that I sometimes felt like I was careening out of control.
In spite of the fact that pretty much everyone else looked better than I did.
In spite of the fact that I once slid directly into a tree.

In fact, skiing was FAR more fun than I thought it was going to be. And while I’ll never be an Olympian, I can see myself getting good enough so that I will be able to ski with my friends instead of the 6-year-olds.

Why do I share this story with you? Because the fear I was having was not all that different than the fear you might have when it comes to dating.

It’s a fear of looking bad
It’s a fear of embarrassing yourself
It’s a fear of doing the wrong thing and getting hurt.

But most of all, it’s a fear that’s fundamentally IRRATIONAL.

We all have fears — and no, we can’t merely think them away — but I think it’s essential to work to overcome them, instead of letting them run your life.

It’s a funny thing when you think about first date fears.

Really, what’s the worst thing that can happen on a date? You don’t get a second date? You might turn into someone else’s “bad date” story? You have an uncomfortable 90 minutes that you wish you could have back?

The stakes are so low, so unimportant, that it’s a wonder that dating brings these feelings out in us. But it does. And when your fears cloud your judgment, they can turn something as benign as meeting a new person into an anxiety-ridden tension-fest.

Thus, your real challenge is to acknowledge your fear and push it aside.

So what if you’re inexperienced at dating? If you’ve been married for fifteen years and are just starting on Match.com, you SHOULD be inexperienced.

So what if you’re a little awkward around the opposite sex? Unless you have a lot of practice in such social situations, you SHOULDN’T be a natural.

So what if you’ve been burned in a previous relationship? The only people who haven’t been hurt are the people who haven’t loved at all.

It’s just like me and skiing — of course I’m going to be a bad skier if I haven’t skied in nearly 40 years. Of course I’m going to be afraid of hurting myself and looking bad. But I also know that other people seem to enjoy skiing, and the more I do it, the more I’ll enjoy it as well. Same with dating.

Unless you get more PRACTICE at it, you’re probably not going to get any better at it.

So when you read my nagging articles about how love takes effort, or about how online dating is amazing if you know how to use it, please understand where I’m coming from.

I’ve loved. I’ve lost.
I’ve been afraid. I’ve been rejected.
I’ve dusted myself off – and dated and dated and dated — and finally got married — after over 300 dates.

So I’m not talking to you as a guy who is a natural — no more than I’m a natural skier. I’m talking to you as a guy who, thru sheer determination and lots of practice, found love.

So what if you’ve been burned in a previous relationship? The only people who haven’t been hurt are the people who haven’t loved at all.

So while I don’t know you personally, I know there’s a reason you signed up for my newsletter or read my blog : something’s not working in your love life.

You don’t meet enough people.
You don’t know how attract the people you want.
You don’t know how to distinguish between a good catch and a bad catch.
You don’t know why your last date broke it off.
You don’t know what you can do differently to get a different result.

Well, I’m here to tell you — as a guy who was literally the WORST skier at Big Bear:

You MUST ignore your fear.
You MUST get more experience and practice.
You MUST get back up when you fall.
You MUST learn what’s not working for you and correct it.

Have you been on only a few dates in the past three months?

Have you been afraid of looking bad in front of a cute guy?

Have you been burned by a boyfriend and are unsure about what to do the next time around?

Then ignore your fear and keep practicing.

Remember, you don’t have to be a ski instructor to have fun on the slopes.

You just have to get back up when you fall.