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Dear Evan,
I guarantee my question has never been asked before.
I threw myself into my career for 25 years and didn’t date until I was 48 when I met a wonderful man that I fell deeply in love with. We had a wonderful 2 ½ year committed relationship and then he cheated on me. I found out because the woman kept calling the house at all hours of the day and night. When I found out, I was crushed and walked out the door.
He begged me to stay and told me he wanted to see both of us. I waited so long to meet him I couldn’t give him up. I had made a lot of mistakes in the relationship having never dated before. I love him so much. We have been in this love triangle for 7 months now.
He keeps her a secret from family and friends, and has sex with both of us. I continue to entertain, and am having his family for the holidays. He does spend more time with her now than with me. She has taken over most domestic duties for him that I used to do but does not live with him, nor do I. He claims he wants me to focus on my small business that is causing me financial problems.
My support group says that he views me as a friend now and has moved on with her. I would start to believe my friends, except that if he really loved her, why has he kept her a secret for so long? I have tried to leave him 5 times, including writing him a letter telling him I can’t do this, and he has begged me not to give up on us yet.
We were having relationship issues, and he was vulnerable. The woman is extremely manipulative – she totally stroked his ego among other things. Still, I know he is to blame for his choices.
Is there hope for us to be back to just the two of us again? I hate what he did to us, but love how he treated me for those 2 1/2 years.
Thank you,
Terri
You need a few gallons of self-esteem.
Dear Terri,
I don’t know how much I have to say that isn’t plainly obvious to everyone but you.
So I’ll say it succinctly and without judgment.
No. There is no hope for the two of you.
You need to leave the relationship.
You need to let go of him.
You need to get therapy.
You need a serious reality check.
You need a few gallons of self-esteem.
I acknowledge that it’s much easier to say this than it is for it is for you to live it, but the first step is in taking stock of your own decision-making. And, to an objective observer, you’ve put yourself in one unusual position.
What’s particularly unusual about it is how deeply in denial you are about what’s going on. Now, denial is not unusual among women — if it were, He’s Just Not That Into You wouldn’t have made a blip on the radar. But given that most people indulge themselves in some sort of wishful thinking, your refusal to look at the facts of this situation is staggering.
Here they are, restated to you from another point of view. It may be hard to hear, but, well, I don’t know how else to do it:
Your boyfriend was cheating on you. He may have been cheating on you for 2 ½ years, but you didn’t find out until one of the women spoke up and ratted him out.
Naturally, he begged you to stay. He wouldn’t want to lose anyone as blindly devoted as you. You bought this as if this was a sign of his love for you. Nope. It was just a sign of his selfishness, and your cluelessness about his real intentions: to have his cake and eat it, too.
He may have been cheating on you for 2 ½ years, but you didn’t find out until one of the women spoke up and ratted him out.
Your “love triangle” as you call it is really about as close to bigamy as it gets. Except your boyfriend is smarter than the average bigamist. He didn’t have to marry either of you! He gets to set the terms of both relationships and see you both when he wants. She has “taken over domestic duties?” You entertain him for the holidays? You both sleep with him? This guy must be charismatic enough to be a cult leader.
Somehow, Terri, you’ve remained willfully blind to the fact that any man who would cheat on you behind your back, ask you to accept it to your face, and keep you as his booty call for 7 months after finding a new girlfriend… is probably not the best choice of partners for you.
And that’s to put it mildly.
He’s kept her a secret because everyone he knows will think he’s a scumbag for doing what he’s doing. Everyone, apparently, except you.
At this point, my dear, your predicament is no longer your boyfriend’s fault, nor is it the “manipulative” other woman’s fault. It’s entirely, 100%, no-questions-asked YOUR fault.
This insanity will only end when you have the courage to walk away.
Otherwise, your amazing boyfriend will continue to be the property of someone else — namely, his girlfriend.
Please take care of yourself and ditch this loser today.
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