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Dear Dr. NerdLove: I saw you were asking for January break up letters. I’ve never asked for advice before and I don’t know if this is your lane or not but maybe you can help me. None of my friends have, anyway.
I (M/34) had been dating “Sarah” (F/28) for over a year, a little under two. The last couple months we were together were rough; we weren’t arguing or fighting, but we definitely weren’t having a great time and we eventually agreed that we were looking for different things from this relationship and we ended it. This wasn’t something I did easily or lightly; I was really crazy about her, but even I had to admit it wasn’t working.
Well it’s been barely three months and I’m still dealing and feeling bad about it and then I go on Instagram and I can see that Sarah’s already got a new guy. Her IG is nothing but cutesy videos of her and her boyfriend and pictures of the two of them and her talking about how amazing he is and how lucky she is… all the usual stuff.
Doc, I can’t tell you how much this hurts. I’m sitting here on my couch feeling like shit and she’s all lovey-dovey with a new guy. I feel like it’s a slap in the face, like I was that easily swapped out for someone else and the time we had together meant nothing. I know we weren’t together that long but it feels like this is telling me that I was just a placeholder for someone better. What do I do about this? How do I stop feeling like I was traded in for a better model?
Owner of A Broken Heart
Alright OBH, I want you to listen to me very carefully: your feelings are valid. The way you feel right now is entirely understandable, it’s very real and you have every right to feel the pain and the heartbreak you’re experiencing.
Break ups almost always suck, even when they need to happen. There are very, very few cases when people break up and someone comes out of that feeling like they just won the lottery; more often than not, the most positive feeling, post-break up is like a weight has been lifted. So the fact that you’re feeling lower than a snake’s ass in a drainage ditch is entirely reasonable. You, as the sage once said, had a life, had a love and something happened on the way to Heaven. So now you’re alone again and missing what you used to have, mourning what you lost.
That’s all real, and you should feel the fuck out of those feels.
But it’s important to recognize a very fundamental truth: just because your feelings are real and valid doesn’t mean that they’re accurate. They can feel accurate and the conclusions they lead you to will feel logical and obvious… but feels aren’t real’s. This is a form of what Natalie Wynn calls “masochistic epistemology“: it hurts because it’s true and it must be true because it hurts. It’s very easy to fall into this mindset because we as a species have an inherent negativity bias; negative thoughts, feelings and experiences have five times the impact and endurance that positive ones do. This may have been useful when we were living in the savannahs and trying to identify toxic plants and how to spot signs that sabertooth tigers were lurking in in the grass, but now it mostly serves to give overly-intelligent apes anxiety disorders.
I say this because while I want you to understand that I sympathize with how you feel, I also want you to understand that feeling this way doesn’t mean that it’s the truth. These are the associations that your brain is making based on nothing but vibes and your emotional state right now. I can promise you that your ex isn’t swanning about town with a drink in one hand, her new beau on the other and telling everyone who’ll listen about how glad she is that she’s done with ol’ what’s-his-name.
Here is a truth: you likely know that there is no length of time that it takes to get over a relationship. That’s going to vary from person to person and their own individual emotional makeup.
Some people rebound quickly, some people take longer and – importantly – this often has little to no bearing on the feelings about the relationship or their ex. It doesn’t mean that they cared less, any more than people who have a hard time getting over someone cared that much more deeply.
And sometimes the reason why someone will get over their ex faster than others is because they had a head start.
What we often don’t realize is that we don’t always start the process of getting over a relationship after the relationship ends. Sometimes we actually start processing our feelings while we’re still in the relationship.
You mention that the last couple months of your relationship were rocky. You don’t give details, so I’m having to fill in some blanks myself, but it sounds to me like this was a case of incompatibility or conflicting needs, rather than someone did something wrong. This is very common; not every relationship ends because there’s a good guy and a bad guy, or because someone fucked up egregiously, or even because one person quit liking the other. Sometimes relationships end because they were only ever just “for now”, rather than “forever” and that’s OK. Not every love story needs to be an epic poem; a short story can be just as valid, rewarding and meaningful.
And just as importantly: having some incompatibility doesn’t have anything to do with the depth or seriousness of how you feel about somebody. You can love someone until your hair aches, but that doesn’t mean that you two are right for each other. I’m sure you’ve heard me say that women aren’t Mjolnir and only sleep with The Worthy. Well, the same applies to love. Love isn’t a measure of anything. Loving each other isn’t an indicator that you’re compatible, nor does being compatible mean that you’ll fall in love. Love isn’t brains, after all.
The thing I think you need to understand is that this has nothing to do with you or your relationship. I don’t think that she was quietly dying to ditch the zero and get with the hero. Nor for that matter is she dating at you. All that happened is that you and she had a relationship, it ended and she’s dating someone else. That’s it. She’s not dating this dude at you, nor do I think she’s making a statement about how she didn’t care about you. As harsh as this may sound at first, I don’t think that you entered the equation at all.
I think what’s happening is that your ex is just dating. She may be in a schmoopy phase right now because she’s getting drunk on the NRE. She may be acting like this because she’s trying to tell herself she’s got her groove back after the end of a relationship that may have hurt her as much as it’s hurting you. Or it may just be the dynamic of her current relationship. But do I think she’s doing this to talk about how her new boyfriend is better than you with a bigger wang and a higher IQ? No. Not at all. The vast majority of people don’t do that.
(Now to be fair, this isn’t always true. I’ve seen people do the “look, I’m SO OVER my ex, LOOK AT HOW MUCH BETTER I’M DOING” dance before, especially on social media. I’ve unquestionably seen people get dumped and say “OK I’m going to make them regret that they ever lost this and show them how little I need them and laugh at them when they try to take me back”. These tend to be… less emotionally evolved people, and it’s usually pretty clear that’s exactly what’s going on. And quite frankly, that sort of behavior tends to be a solid sign that they’re not over their ex at all.)
You’re also assuming – without evidence – that what’s happened is that your ex dumped you, then immediately went out and found her Forever Partner. This is a form of catastrophizing, a way of your jerkbrain making you feel worse than you do right now. It’s easy to kick yourself in the nuts by saying “well clearly I was just her starter boyfriend and now she’s got the real thing”, but you have no way of knowing this. The level of performative schmoopy on social media isn’t predictive of relationship longevity; if anything, it’s the inverse. This guy may be her next LTR, or it may burn out before the six month mark. You have no way of knowing, and assuming that is just a sort of emotional self-harm.
“But it was so easy for her to find someone else!” Well… yes. Generally speaking, dating men is easier than dating women; it’s easier to find a guy who wants to hook up or date – at least in the short term.
(Please notice very carefully that this is about the gender of the person they’re looking for, not the gender of the person who’s doing the looking.)
If your ex decided she was ready to get back on that particular horse, then she’s going to have an easier time finding guys who’re ready to put on the saddle. But that doesn’t mean that a) she was actually ready or b) that she’s dating him because he’s “better” than you. It just means that she decided she was ready and he was around. Everything else is speculation without evidence, just vibes.
But everything you’re experiencing right now? This is one of the reasons why I tell people that one of the first things to do after a break up is to mute, block or unfollow their exes on social media, at least for a while. When the wound is fresh and raw, you’re not going to be thinking particularly clearly, and it’s all too easy to make unfounded assumptions based on vibes. It’s also far too easy to pick at the wound by going and checking in on you ex’s social media and just prolonging the pain. The odds are very good that you’re going to see something and draw unwarranted conclusions about it… conclusions that only serve to make you feel worse. Because hey, jerkbrains and masochistic epistemology.
So yeah, it really really hurts right now. That’s for real. But the conclusions you’re drawing from that hurt? Those aren’t real. Those are just you, picking at the scabs for no reason other than the sensation of it pulling away from the skin.
So what I’d recommend right now is what you should have done before: mute, block or unfollow her on social media. Even if you’re hoping to be friends, you’re going to need that time away to heal, and that’s not going to happen as long as you’re reopening those wounds. You need that distance to heal, and you’re not getting it now. You can always come back and build a friendship after you have gotten over her.
Once you do that, make sure you don’t just sit at home and dwell. You need people right now, people who care for you. So make sure you’re with Team You, people who care for you and support you and want the best for you. They’re going to be a big part of how you remember that your ex’s future relationships have nothing to do with you.
Will all this make the pain go away? No. But that’s also not the point; you’re not trying to numb the pain, you’re trying to make it manageable. You want to be in a place where it’s not crippling you; you may hurt, but you can function. Keeping it to that functional level is also part of how you heal; it means you’re still out and about, living your life, not stuck in place, spinning your wheels. Moving forward means moving on.
Why is that going to be important? Well, here’s one last truth: our brains are very bad at estimating how we’ll feel in the future. We tend to think how we feel right now is how we’ll feel forever. By reducing the pain – not eliminating it, but just reducing it – you’re reminding yourself that this can change. You’re changing your view of the future. And while you’re moving on, the amount of effort it takes to manage the pain will get less. The amount of pain you feel will reduce, and you won’t have to work as hard to manage it. And then one day, you’ll look around and realize that you don’t actually hurt any more… and you haven’t for a while.
Yeah, it sucks right now, but this isn’t forever. It can’t rain all the time. It will get better. I promise.
All will be well.
Hi Dr NerdLove.
I’ve been dating this girl for five months. I got the feeling that she might be bisexual. I asked her if she was and she denied it got very defensive and upset. She ended up sharing her Netflix password with me, which also ended up being her email/Instagram password. I ended up going through both of them, which indeed confirmed my suspicions.
We do live in the South and she comes from a very religious background so I am sure that has something to do with why she hasn’t come out yet. What if I didn’t find this out, we end up getting married and 20 years later I think she’s just going on a “girl’s trip” with her “best friend”? That type of thing happens.
What should I do next?
More Like BiFurious
What should you do next? You break up with her, MLB. Not because she may or may not be bisexual but because holy shit she should not be dating you. If she was ready to tell you, she would’ve told you. You, however, couldn’t give her that time. So what now? Are you planning on telling her that you violated her trust and her privacy? Or are you planning on keeping that a secret so she doesn’t go and change all her passwords and turn on two-factor authentication LIKE SHE SO VERY CLEARLY SHOULD?
Look, Super Chief, you have fucked the pooch big time here, in so many ways that it’d take me a long time to cover them all. So let’s just hit the highlights, shall we?
We’ll start with the fact that she isn’t obligated to come out to you or anyone before she’s ready. That’s her choice, her journey and her timeline. Your demanding answers to the point of upsetting her is a shitty thing to do, especially when it’s clear that you’re only willing to hear one answer.
Hey fun thing: she may not be sure if she’s bisexual. Hell, she may not be sure if she’s not gay. And if she grew up in a conservative family and region, surrounded by anti-LGBTQ messaging, she may have a very painful, confusing and conflicted relationship with her sexuality. She may well still be trying to figure shit out. Even in areas with a decently sized queer community, bi and pan people still have a shitty time of it because biphobia and bi-erasure isn’t restricted to straight folks.
Your demanding that she tell you that she’s bi is not only not helping, it’s making things worse.
Then you went and invaded her privacy because you couldn’t take “stop asking” for an answer and what the actual fuck dude? The level of bullshit entitlement here is off the goddamn charts and the fact that you seem to think this was OK is a hell of a thing. The fact that you couldn’t trust her a) to figure things out for herself and b) to tell you if/when the time was right and decided to take it on yourself to “solve” this mystery is goddamn egregious. You can’t even justify it retroactively by finding confirmation that she was doing something untoward. This isn’t “I had reason to suspect she’s cheating, now I have proof,” this is “you don’t get to tell me what I do and don’t have a right to know”.
Guess what? The fact that you’re dating doesn’t mean that you get unrestricted access to her every thought, feeling or fantasy. Relationships aren’t depositions and people have a right to privacy and secrets, even from their partners. What goes on in the privacy of their head is their business, and this includes who they may or may not be attracted to. And the fact that you felt entitled to go snooping is proof that she was right to keep this information from you since apparently you can’t be trusted.
And then there’s your justification of “well what if I didn’t know this?” Here’s the answer: literally nothing would change. Either eventually she gets to the point where she’s comfortable and secure in her sexuality and relationship and she tells you or she doesn’t. And if she decides that being bi and wanting to explore that means changing the terms of your relationship, then you handle it when it happens, same as you would any other change in the relationship.
For fuck’s sake, being bisexual doesn’t mean anything other than she’s attracted to men and women. It has absolutely nothing to do with the longevity of the relationship, nor does it mean that she’s going to cheat. “Oh no, she might go off on a trip with someone and sleep with them“. Newsflash, big shoots, straight people cheat all the goddamn time. Being bi or pan has nothing to do with it.
Oh, but it’d be easier for her to do because you wouldn’t suspect her “best friend”? Cool, so, what, you’d be policing her friendships with men too? Because hey, that’s just as toxic and just as shitty.
Fuck all that noise.
Nor does being bi mean that she’d turn around and decide that she needs to date or sleep with a woman, especially in the context of a relationship. Being attracted to a person or to a bunch of people doesn’t mean they’re going to be compelled act on it. It’s certainly possible for someone to be bisexual without dating or sleeping with someone of the same sex, just as its possible to be straight and not sleep with anyone. Attraction isn’t the same as action.
And that’s before we get into the split between who you find sexually attractive and who you fall in love with. Some people are bisexual but monoromantic – they may be attracted to folks across the gender spectrum but fall in love with or start relationships with one gender over the other.
But this is relatively academic, because your relationship? That needs to end. You’ve demonstrated that you neither trust nor understand your girlfriend, and that she can’t trust you. You violated her privacy and her trust, and that’s as good a sign as any that she needs to GTFO at speed.
I hope this is a one-time fuck up born out of being young and insecure, MBF; that doesn’t make it better, but at least it means you can grow out of it and be a better person and partner. Because right now? She deserves better than what you’re giving her, as well as time, space and privacy for her to learn about her sexuality.
You, on the other hand, need to start learning about privacy, boundaries, respect and zones of autonomy. And you probably shouldn’t be dating until you figure that shit out.
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