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Dear Dr. NerdLove,
I have been with my current boyfriend for many years. We are happy, comfortable, and our romantic and sexual life is great. He hasn’t gotten cold or distant to me in all the years we’ve been together, in fact, our relationship feels like it’s only gotten better.
That being said, I have recently begun a project at work that will be going on for the span of about 3 to 4 months. It’s a relatively small group of us that already work well together so we are bound to become close. But there is one member who is new to working with me who I have been feeling strangely towards.
He’s great to work with, organized, listens, personable, and he isn’t bad to look at. I have been feeling almost like he has been a little flirty with me at times, but I don’t know if this is just him being friendly or is he is trying to give me subtle cues.
Everyone on the team knows I am in a long-term relationship (I don’t keep it hidden) so a part of me is thinking this is mighty ballsy of this guy if directly flirting with me is his intention, but again – I don’t know if I am misreading him.
Not saying flirting directly leads to anything, I am not planning on ever cheating. But I would be lying if I said I didn’t have some sort of feelings towards this guy. He’s definitely charming and I don’t want to have these feelings for another guy. It’s not like I am going home to my boyfriend and fantasizing about this other guy when we are sleeping together getting romantic and spicy, but I’d be lying if I said I don’t look forward to seeing him when we work together.
What the hell is wrong with me. How can I stop these feelings?
Sincerely, Feeling Weird
This is an easy one, FW. But this scenario has become its own genre of question here at NerdLove Industries, and I’m going to go on a bit of a rant for a second if I may, before I get to your question. Don’t worry, this will all tie together in the end.
One of the reasons why it feels like everyone’s talking about ethical non-monogamy or open relationships or polyamory or other non-conventional relationship models lately is because of situations like like the one you’re facing, FW. Not because everyone should be poly or open – it’s not for everyone, just as living in Dallas or Los Angeles isn’t for everyone – but because we, as a culture, have done a huge disservice to people when it comes to relationships.
Because we live in a profoundly sex–negative culture and because we’ve had generations of a specific relationship model both propped up and legally enforced as The One And Only Way, we end up with situations where people have perfectly normal feelings that cause them angst and stress. People have been taught that sex and sexual attraction is simultaneously the most and least important thing in a relationship. They’re taught that love is simple, monogamy is both natural and easy and if you ever have questions, doubts or just plain old squishy feelings for another person, it means something’s wrong. Either something’s wrong with your relationship, or there’s something wrong with you.
And the blame is very much apportioned onto the person who feels weird. Have a higher libido than your partner? Well, maybe the issue is that you want it too much and you should work at repressing it. Have a lower libido than your partner? Maybe there’s something wrong with you and you’re just broken inside. Feelings for your partner changed over time? Well, guess that means that you’ve done something wrong or you never truly loved your partner. Find that you’re attracted to someone other than your partner, especially if you’re married? Well aren’t you the horrible person? Better either repress that into nothing or end the relationship because clearly you don’t love them enough, otherwise you wouldn’t be having these feelings.
Part of the reason why lots of people are talking more about alternate relationship models, about having more than one committed partner or having sex with people besides your spouse isn’t some weird, evangelizing recruitment plan, it’s about recognizing that we as a culture have pathologized perfectly normal feelings, lied or misled people about love and sex and generally caused folks unnecessary stress, angst and heartache… not to mention robbed folks of vocabulary and toolsets to actually manage these sorts of situations. Showing that there are multiple ways of having a strong, supportive and loving relationship, that loving one person doesn’t shut off your ability to love or be attracted to others… these all help normalize incredibly common, incredibly normal situations and scenarios that drive people to distraction.
Leaving the question of whether a divorce rate above a certain level is inherently bad aside, if more folks understood that love isn’t the Disney fairy tale that it’s sold as, that marriage isn’t the end of sexual adventure or experience, that feelings for different people are normal and that one person can’t be all things to one person, we’d have far fewer failed marriages and avoidable break-ups.
Because, amongst other things, we wouldn’t freak the fuck out when we get a random workplace crush. Which – bringing it back to your question, FW – is precisely what we have here.
What’s wrong with you? Nothing. You’re a primate with a sex-drive and anxiety, the quintessential human experience. What you’re experiencing is not just normal but very, very common. The happiness and success of your relationship has nothing to do with whether you have feelings for another person, whether spicy or mild.
Why are you having these feelings for someone, even when you’re in a happy relationship? That’s even easier: He’s a good looking guy who listens, is personable, he’s organized and seems to be a little flirty. He has qualities you admire, a look you like and he’s giving you some positive attention that may or may not be flirty. Being reminded that men you think are cute may also think that you’re cute yourself is a pretty nice feeling. Those feelings may make part of your brain – the part of our brains that crave novelty and increases production of oxytocin and dopamine when we’re with a new partner – sit up and take notice. So you end up with a mild case of limerence (AKA a crush) with the attendant racing heartbeat, sweaty palms and occasional inability to remember how to speak English because the Hormone Monster kicked you square in the language center of your brain.
What do you do about this? Nothing. That is, the best thing you can do here is nothing. Like… literally nothing.
Well, unless you and your boyfriend want to open up the relationship or something, that is. But since you apparently don’t want that, then the best thing to do is nothing different. You go to work, you do your job, you talk to your friends, you come home. Same thing you were doing before this guy came on the team.
If you want to add a little spice to the relationship with your boyfriend, you can certainly take that extra energy and those spicy feels and plow them into him. One of the fun things about having a crush when you’re in a monogamous relationship is taking the sexual energy and excitement that comes from an attraction to a new person and then unleash it on your partner. You aren’t going to have the same level of excitement with your long-term partner because humans can get used to anything and the New Relationship Energy fades over time. However, that doesn’t mean you can’t take the NRE feels you’re getting from a different person and get the pay off from your boyfriend like you just started dating.
Or you could just, y’know. Rub one or two out.
What I wouldn’t do is focus on the crush itself. Crushes and limerence are inherently temporary; they almost never last or last very long. But in their way, they’re like fire – if you feed them, they grow. And if you’re focused on trying to will a crush away or force yourself to not feel it, then you’re ultimately feeding it. Trying to repress it dosen’t mean you stop thinking about it or feeling it. All you end up doing is reinforcing the fact that you’re feeling it. You’re going from thinking about your crush to thinking about not thinking about your crush and putting a shitload of energy into trying to make feelings go away – something that nobody has ever actually done successfully.
Let it just be, however, and it loses power. You can note and name the feeling when you experience it – “ah yes, that’s my crush on Cute Coworker” – and then gently just redirect your mind to what you actually need to concentrate on. Letting things just be, instead of freaking out and trying to analyze it to oblivion or beat it to death with a hammer, withholds fuel that inflames it. Soon, you’ll get used to the novelty that is Cute Coworker and his maybe-flirting, and it’ll just be part of the status quo – no more interesting or unusual than the selection of coffee pods in the break room or Steven’s refusal to quit reheating fish in the microwave.
GOD I HATE STEVEN.
By the by: it’s entirely possible that Cute Coworker IS flirting… but that doesn’t necessarily mean anything. Some people are just flirty and don’t mean anything by it. Some people’s version of friendly just comes off as flirty. And even if Cute Coworker is flirting with you… well, it takes two to tango. His flirting doesn’t mean you need to flirt back, nor does it mean that you need to act on it. If it doesn’t bother you – outside of the spicy heart-flutters, anyway – then just “missing” any intended subtext will set the tone.
And incidentally, whomever you’re thinking of while enjoying that crush energy is up to you. Whatever’s going on between your ears is entirely your business and no one else’s. And no, it doesn’t mean you’re betraying your boyfriend; it’s just another part of the human experience.
Good luck.
Hey Doc,
I am a 25-year-old guy from Ireland of all places. Over the last year, I started putting myself on the dating scene and have enjoyed some wins as a result. I met someone while I was away that turned into a pretty intense situationship for about ten days. I am more confident in approaching women and being honest with people I am attracted to now thanks to that experience and also your advice.
There is, however, something that still bugs me.
I know you deal with people on a regular basis who are afraid of being rejected. I find I’m quite the opposite as I’m more afraid of someone saying yes than no. I worry about the immediate future if someone says yes; where will we go, what will I say etc. I also worry about committing to someone, opening up to them or hurting them just from being the way I am. Sometimes I will chicken out of potential relationships because I’m fearful of hurting the other person if they were interested in me. I am not perfect, I was diagnosed with ADHD as a kid and have struggled with my mental health most my life. I am seeing a therapist and would like to keep dating because it makes me feel good.
I am not sure if there is a question in this for you, but I would like to hear your thoughts about fear of acceptance and dating when you know your mental health isn’t perfect.
Thanks
Stuck In My Own Head
The fear of success is a lot more common than folks realize, SIMOH, and in a lot of cases, it can be worse than a fear of rejection. Rejection, at least, is fairly cut and dry. Rejection, to a certain extent, is a return to the status quo; the rejection itself stings, but doesn’t materially change anything about your life.
Success, however, can be terrifying. Success means that you go from the fantasy – where you’re ultimately in control – to unpredictable reality. That can be pants-shittingly terrifying.
When you’re in that liminal quantum space where everything is possible, you’re in a place where you can decide what happens and how. You get to direct your vision of this potential relationship as your heart and soul see fit; every word spoken, every touch shared, every experienced felt… those are all your decision. You decide how the relationship will progress, when you hit particular milestones and what happens to the two of you.
Reality, however, is messy. Reality doesn’t follow nice, clearly defined storylines. It steadfastly refuses to be controlled; life rolls on as life will, and you are prey to the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune. People get hurt in reality. People break up in reality. Relationships aren’t neat and uncomplicated and unfold in dramatic but ultimately secure ways in reality. You can’t screw up a fantasy, but you can ruin a relationship in reality without even trying.
Throw in the issues that often come with ADHD, like rejection-sensitive dysphoria, and it’s not surprising that you fear what happens after someone says “yes, I would like to date you”. Your jerkbrain and the RSD combine like passive-aggressive Constructicons to form Devastator and stomp through your brain with all the ways you’ve fucked this up somehow. Doesn’t matter that literally nothing has happened in the seconds between when she said “yes” and you start feeling those stomping footfalls; Devastator’s going to smash through your self-esteem and blow up whatever feeling of security you had.
But what do you do about it? Well, some of what you can do is to address the issues head on. Having some immediate plans locked, cocked and ready to rock is always helpful. This is part of why I’m a fan of having some default date ideas ready to go in your back pocket – you don’t need to think or plan, you’ve got plenty of options already.
Some of what you can do is make sure that you’ve got your meds dialed in. Having the right medication and the right dosage helps not just with the major symptoms of ADHD, but with the co-morbidities as well. Getting on Vyvanse turned the RSD dial down from 11 to a much more manageable 4. Still higher than I’d prefer, but far easier to handle whenever it crops up.
Some of what you can do is a sort of self-soothing. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy – even self-directed CBT exercises from places like MoodGym – is incredibly helpful for dealing with those unwanted, intrusive thoughts and feelings. Understanding the triggers, how to redirect your thoughts and manage the times when those feelings crop up give you a sense of control and the feeling that you’ve got this covered. Just knowing that you can separate “how you feel” from “what you are” is incredibly helpful. So you feel nervous or apprehensive, not that you are nervous.
But the biggest thing you can do? You can stop trying to control everything and just let things flow. Sometimes the reason why we fear success is that we feel like we have to consciously direct and control things or else it will all go wrong. The idea that things are out of our control – such as our neurospicy brains – can make us feel like we need to have a hand on the tiller or else it will all go horribly, horribly wrong.
But sometimes all that fighting for control is the problem. You’re not actually in control, so much as trying to pull a thousand different levers while also standing on one foot and trying to recite I Am The Very Model of A Modern Major-General. And while that may – and I stress may – get you where you want to go, you’re often having to put a lot more work in to get there and deal with, y’know, the attendant difficulties of dividing your attention like that.
Whereas if you let go of the illusion of control and just relax into the flow of things, you often find that you didn’t need to be doing all of those things, managing all those possibilities and contingencies. You’re able to relax and, in relaxing, respond in the moment, rather than having to run the numbers.
Think of it like trying to swim in a river with a strong current. You can swim upstream, sure, and you may get where you’re trying to go… but you’re going to spend a lot more time and energy trying to get there, and it’s going to be a lot harder to make progress. But if you relax and let the current carry you, things become that much easier. Since you aren’t fighting against the current, you have more of an ability to steer around obstacles or change your path. You aren’t exhausting yourself by paddling as hard as you can to stay in one place. And, of course, you get where you’re going that much faster.
Right now, you’re struggling against the current, SIMOH. You’re trying to swim upstream and avoid the rocks and logs and… I dunno, snapping turtles, because this metaphor’s getting away from me. So maybe the key is to not try to control things as much.
Yeah, it’s reasonable to worry about hurting someone and to want to avoid doing it if you can. But here’s the thing: you can’t control that. You can control your actions, but you can’t control other people, especially their feelings. Someone getting hurt or not getting hurt isn’t entirely within your control. You can do your best to swim around those hazards or try to minimize the damage if you run into them, but you can’t eliminate them from the river entirely.
And there’s also the fact that you’re making these decisions for someone else, too. Yeah, there’s the risk of getting hurt… but everyone who gets into a relationship understands that, and they’ve decided the risk of getting hurt is worth the reward of being in a relationship with you. Pain and heartbreak is part of the waiver we all sign when we get into relationships. Some of it is avoidable, some isn’t, and some you can’t even know exists until you run smack into it.
You can’t control everything, SIMOH. You can control some things, prepare for some things, but ultimately, every relationship is a leap of faith, and the emphasis is on the word “leap”. Sometimes when you leap, you make it to the other side. Sometimes you fall.
But sometimes… you fly.
Time to stop being afraid and make that leap.
Good luck.
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