I Scared Him Off. Will He Come Back?

Hi Evan,

Thank you for the contribution you are to all of us! I bought “Why He Disappeared” last year, and understanding the masculine mind has made SUCH a difference in my life (not only in dating, but also in business, family, and friendships).

I wish I had re-read it before I went on my date last week.

Not because of what happened on the date (that was amazing!), but what happened afterward.

He did everything you say the alpha male does: contacted me, asked me out, made all of the arrangements, provided a safe, entertaining, and impressive experience that allowed us to get to know each other while also having a lot of fun (we basically laughed for 4 hours straight).

And I did everything I was supposed to: I let him find me to contact me and ask me out (even though I really wanted to track him down and ask him), I let him make the plans, I was cool when he said he might have to reschedule because of a conflicting commitment that his friends were counting on him for (which didn’t end up happening), I empathized with his perspective, didn’t make him wrong about talking about his ex and let him kiss me at the end of the night. I was fun, feminine, and flirty.

When the date ended, he expressed a desire to see me again when I got back in town (I am currently away on business). The next day he checked in to see how a big meeting I was excited about went. He even texted to wish me a safe journey before I flew out.

Leading up to the date (and the few days following it), I became accustomed to him reaching out to me on a nearly daily basis to see how my day went, etc.

And that’s what lead me to my mistake …

Filled with the excitement of how well everything was going and genuinely wishing to reciprocate his generous and considerate spirit, I started initiating the contact …

I know … “nooooo!!!!”

Through text, I started inquiring more into his world. I thought we were having a dialogue, but when I look back over the messages, I was the one asking all the questions. I also made bold statements about the future, clearly showing that I was no longer a challenging catch to win over.

I was hooked after one date and probably came across as super needy (when I was actually just super enthused).

He always responds when I write (within a reasonable amount of time and usually with a chuckle too) but is no longer initiating the contact himself, and now that the oxytocin levels in my brain have normalized, all I want to do is reach out, demonstrate integrity by owning my mistake, and ask him for a mulligan.

At the same time, I’m afraid that reaching out again would just create more of the same, and admitting a mistake may come across as a lack of self-confidence.

So, I’ve stopped reaching out altogether in the hopes that a little space may be sufficient damage control until I get back to town.

What Would Evan’s Wife Do? (she always knows how to be cool).

And what would you recommend I do?

Many thanks,

M

Will he come back after pulling away?

Thanks for the kind words and for drinking the Why He Disappeared Kool-Aid.

Kudos to you for implementing the main thrust of the advice: with a confident, alpha-ish guy, you don’t have to “do anything” to make him like you, call you, or commit to you.

He’ll choose to do so on his own terms and will generally resist being pressured.

That’s why letting confident men lead tends to be solid relationship advice.

I let him find me to contact me and ask me out (even though I really wanted to track him down and ask him), I let him make the plans, I was cool when he said he might have to reschedule because of a conflicting commitment that his friends were counting on him for (which didn’t end up happening), I empathized with his perspective, didn’t make him wrong about talking about his ex, and let him kiss me at the end of the night. I was fun, feminine, and flirty.

The issue is that “do nothing” – like all “rules” – is not so black and white.

Yes, masculine is about doing, and feminine is about receiving, and masculine men prefer women who receive their advances. But the bottom line is neither men nor women are so monolithic that you have to live in fear of reaching out to a guy with the possibility of him pulling away.

In Love U, there’s a video that talks about an exception to mirroring – when you’re comfortable and confident that a guy really likes you and is invested in you, you can let down your guard and throw out the rules a bit.

I don’t know what you said via text or how “bad” it was, but if a guy really liked you and wanted to be in a serious relationship with you, I doubt you have done anything wrong that would have scared him off to pull away.

So while you’re beating yourself up for breaking the cardinal rule of Why He Disappeared, wondering if he’ll come back, I would prefer you to remember this instead:

You can’t do the wrong thing with the right guy.

Sure, there are better dating practices than others, but you won’t feel the need to stick to a rulebook when you meet that special someone. You can be yourself, which is the only way to be with a guy you think of as a partner in a serious relationship.

Sorry this happened to you, but the solution is not to give him space, hoping that he’ll come back. But, instead, to let him go and find another guy who appreciates your (tempered) enthusiasm.

Good luck