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I’ve been dating this guy since New Years so just a month now. It’s going really well. I don’t normally believe in soul mates but I feel like we’re connected in such a different way than I’ve experienced before. So he got out a 3 year relationship in October, and from the start of us dating he’s said he doesn’t think he’s ready to get in relationship yet. He had a boys holiday booked, and he also says that he hasn’t had the opportunity to talk to girls freely. However, he does feel like we have a amazing connection and he wants a relationship and he can really see us having something long term. I know this sounds stupid. I know what most people would say to do and I know what I’d tell myself to do. We’re both really young he’s 20 I’m 19. And I’ve been in this same situation and walked away before. I just feel like inside my gut this might be the person I’m meant to meet? I feel like he makes me a better person and now as I’m writing this I’m thinking am I trying to convince myself that staying with him is the right thing? I just need some advice on this. Do men have this stage ? He only had one girlfriend from when he was 16/17. So I understand. But what do you think I should do? Help please !!!
-Kacy
Dear Kacy,
Appreciate you writing and sharing your story.
The feeling of having a soulmate connection is a rare and powerful one.
I had it with Billie when I was 17.
I had it with Laura when I was 21.
I had it with Melanie when I was 30.
I had it with Eleanor when I was 31.
I had it with Lana when I was 32.
None of them turned out to be my soulmate. All of them broke up with me. 3 of them have moved onto happy marriages, just like I did.
My point of telling you this is not to say that it’s impossible, in the way that nothing is impossible. But the odds that this guy is your guy for the next 60 years is exceedingly unlikely in the BEST circumstances given your age and life experience.
And the odds that this guy is your soulmate in THESE circumstances is virtually nil.
“He got out a 3 year relationship in October, and from the start of us dating he’s said he doesn’t think he’s ready to get in relationship yet.”
Believe the negatives, ignore the positives.
Believe the negatives, ignore the positives. When a guy says he’s not ready for a relationship, it means HE’S NOT READY FOR A RELATIONSHIP. He’ll hang out with you, he’ll sleep with you, he’ll be wonderful to you, but he already told you what he wants. It’s up to you to take his words seriously.
“He had a boys holiday booked, and he also says that he hasn’t had the opportunity to talk to girls freely.” The fact that he’s prioritizing his freedom to talk to other girls over your “soulmate” connection is big red flag #2. How many of these are we going to ignore?
“We’re both really young; he’s 20 I’m 19. And I’ve been in this same situation and walked away before. I just feel like inside my gut this might be the person I’m meant to meet?”
Your feelings are inaccurate for a number of reasons.
The divorce rate for marriages where both people are under 25 is 75% (this is from Elizabeth Gilbert’s book “Committed”. I can almost promise that all of those couples felt that they were going to be together forever as well. Which tells you that…
The feeling inside your gut – at this point in time – isn’t very accurate. No more than mine was. No more than the 75% of young adults divorcing is. Your feeling is just a feeling – like being drunk or high or excited; it’s temporary and says nothing of your long-term compatibility.
So I’m going to share some middle-aged wisdom with you and I do hope you can take it.
You’re 19 years old. Look back at yourself at when you were 14. What did you know about life? It’s negligible compared to what you know now, right?
Trust me: when you look back at 19-year-old Kacy at 24, you’ll feel the same way.
And 29-year-old Kacy will shake her head at 24-year-old Kacy.
And 34-year-old Kacy will shake her head at 29-year-old Kacy.
Eventually, the head-shaking mostly stops, but not until you have a LOT more experience and wisdom. Without denying your feelings, this is a time for you to explore and grow. If it means love, choose love with a man who is ready to love you the way you deserve, not a guy who has already told you that he’s absolutely NOT ready for it.
Good luck.
Evan
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