I Want My 6 Week Boyfriend To Finalize His Divorce and Cut Off Contact With His Ex Wife!

My boyfriend and I have been together for 6 weeks. He has been separated from his wife for almost 1.5 years.   Two weeks after we began dating, he told me that he invited his ex and their 3-year-old son over for dinner as the ex was upset about breaking up with her boyfriend recently. I made it very clear that I was not comfortable with this and he said it won’t happen again. The following week, he catches up with her father twice so they can spend time together. I finally asked him directly to finalize his divorce and he said it was a big step, but later changed his mind and printed the forms off the net.  I asked him last week if he had spoken to his ex about it, which he said she agreed.  The paperwork is still sitting there incomplete. Should I ask again or move on?

Abigail

If I were your boyfriend, I’d dump you in a heartbeat. You’d be gone so fast from my life that you’d get whiplash trying to follow my ass out the door.

Dear Abigail,

First I want to share a brief story about someone I know.

She was in love with her boyfriend, but her boyfriend was preoccupied with his mother, who was dying of cancer. Each time he flew back to see his mom on her deathbed, my friend couldn’t help but feel strangely jealous that he wasn’t spending time with her. When he’d return from his weekend trips, he’d get a passive-aggressive guilt trip. She knew he was under stress, but she had needs, too. How can she feel secure about their future when he’s spending half his time focusing on things other than her?

He broke up with her before his mom passed away. She was heartbroken, but couldn’t help the way she felt. Of course, she was 19 at the time, so she had an excuse.

I don’t know how old you are, but I’m hoping you’re 19 as well. Which means you’re going to have a long time to recover from what I’m about to say to you next:

If I were your boyfriend, I’d dump you in a heartbeat.

You’d be gone so fast from my life that you’d get whiplash trying to follow my ass out the door.

I’ll bet you’re wondering how I could say such a thing. After all, he’s YOUR boyfriend. Why should you have to worry about exes and fathers-in-law and sons and paperwork? Shouldn’t he be ALL YOURS?

Um, no.

Let’s look at a tale of the tape:

You: 6 week girlfriend. Likely cute. Maybe insecure. Probably needy. Definitely clueless about anybody else’s perspective and needs besides your own.

Him: A poor confused wuss with a big heart and a wide loyalty streak who was probably dominated by his ex and is now signing up to be dominated by you. Lucky guy.

So now, by your logic, since this guy’s been sleeping with you for six weeks, he should just summarily CUT OFF the very pillars of his former life?

Everyone Else: Has been in his life WAAAAAAAAY before you arrived. His wife’s been around for probably 6+ years, as has her father. Both know him incredibly well and care deeply about him. All are bound by the presence of a beloved 3-year-old boy.

So now, by your logic, since this guy’s been sleeping with you for six weeks, he should just summarily CUT OFF the very pillars of his former life?

Because YOU’RE threatened and jealous, he should refuse to console his ex?

Because you’re unreasonably demanding, he should have no relationship with his son’s grandfather?

Can you see how narrow-minded and selfish you sound? It’s all about YOUR needs. Screw anyone who gets in the way – including your boyfriend, whom you’re already bullying about his divorce.

Here’s the deal, Abigail:

If he wants you as a girlfriend, if he wants to sign divorce papers, if he wants to prioritize you above everyone else, it will be because HE chooses to do so, not because you browbeat him.

His world doesn’t revolve around you.

Not after 6 weeks – and, if he’s got any guts, not for much longer.

I sincerely hope you take a different approach to understand the needs of the next man in your life.