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Hi Doc – I hope you’re well.
I emailed a month ago about a problem specific to dating. I wrote in about having a load of female friends essentially tell me that I’m a catch, which I find difficult to accept because I’ve never really had women show an interest in me. I felt it was necessary to provide further context, as everything else that’s going on is certainly a core element as to why I’m struggling to find romance. I’m feeling very stuck in life at the moment, and so my fingers are crossed that your advice may help me to head in the right direction. There’s a lot of different factors at play, so I hope it all makes sense.
I’ve been doing therapy for the past year, and through this I’ve learned that I’ve been mistreated by many different people throughout my life, including past partners and my parents. As you can imagine, that’s been very difficult to come to terms with, and this hasn’t been helped by the fact that I am currently still living with the latter. As I have become more aware of their behaviours (and similarly, my triggers), it’s constantly made me feel like I’m trapped within a prison, with my life waiting on the other side of the bars.
The solution, of course, would be to move out, but right now that seems like an impossibility. I won’t go into the details, but my career was put on the line not too long ago as I was accused of something deplorable (I didn’t do it), and this made my employment prospects exceptionally dire. I was lucky to secure a temporary position a few months ago, and develop a fairly lucrative side-business, but the lack of stability means that I can’t yet make the jump to living independently.
So between coming to terms with abuse, and almost losing the one thing that I’m most passionate for, it’s been a pretty shitty year, and I’ve had to contend with this mostly alone. Before COVID, I removed pretty much every “friend” that I had in my life, bar one, and so post-COVID was an opportunity to start afresh. I’ve been going to the gym often for several years and, in January this year, began a new hobby that I have regularly attended. It’s also meant that I’ve developed connections with a few people.
However, I am struggling immensely with this. Despite being the centre of attention and the person who has essentially created a social group among these people, I feel like a complete imposter. They all perceive me as a very confident guy who, apparently, can “get any woman you wanted”. They all trust me, unequivocally, which is an even more pleasant feeling when they’re mostly women. They all seem to enjoy my company. Yet it feels like I’m wearing a mask when I organise times to hang out, and I am utterly scared of being vulnerable since, in the past, I’ve made poor choices with who I’ve been vulnerable with (not to mention that I do juggle with the mindset of it being “weak” for a male). It’s been the same experience at work, as I’ve had nothing but my praises sang for me over the last few months. I simply cannot accept it, and I end up trying to spend as little time with them as possible. Ultimately I’ve always had issues getting close to people, and eventually I end up pushing them away. It’s starting to become the case here.
This is all made even more complicated by the location of where I live. My village is very small with barely anything around me, and the nearest towns and cities are 30-40 minutes in any direction. My workplace is an hour away down South, whereas my hobby is an hour from where I live (which oddly works out at about an hour from my home, as there’s easier access to the motorway from work). The problem is, my current role is probably the best option for me at the moment, as it’s safe and will help me get back on track with my career. Between work, my side-business, and travelling times, it feels like I have very little time to myself, or to meet new people.
Thus, this all makes dating a nightmare. I’m a more attractive prospect than I was years ago, but my romantic life has been non-existent, partly because of all of the above, but also because as I mentioned in my previous post, I never seem to meet available women, and when I do, they don’t seem to show interest. I cannot even recall the last time I met a 20-something woman who I found attractive, who was willing to talk to me. It doesn’t seem to matter where I go, or who I speak to, it never leads anywhere in this department. I know that I have other things to focus on right now, but I’m tried of reading stories online about how people met their partner at a coffee shop, and I’m still here wondering how in the hell that sort of thing even happens. I can relate to other people here who say that they feel it’s all too late for them, and at the last social event that I attended, I was acutely aware of how disconnected I felt from everyone around me.
Obviously I speak to my therapist about all of this, and she is amazing at what she does, but right now the focus (rightfully so) is to develop my self-esteem and confidence regardless of my circumstances, and to heal from my traumas. On that point, I’m slowly getting there, but I just have absolutely no idea how to move past the more practical issues in my life.
Any ideas?
Still Don’t Know Who I Am
Alright, SDKWHIA, I’m going to give you and my other readers some inside baseball: I pulled your letter for today’s column in part because this is the sort of context that would affect the advice I give, if it had been included in the original letter. These are details that change a lot of what’s going on and what you should probably do about it.
But at the same time, this is still very much a “the problem you have isn’t the problem you think you have” situation.
Let me put it to you this way: If a friend of yours mentioned that they’re struggling with being able to run a marathon and then revealed that they’d shattered their legs in a car accident six months previously, I would imagine that your first response would be “You’re still trying to get around on two broken legs! Why in pluperfect fuckery are you trying to run a goddamn marathon?”
You’re dealing with a similar situation, my dude. Separating everything else out – the job and the deplorable thing you were accused of, the tiny village, etc. – you’re still dealing with the fact that you’re trying to get around on the emotional equivalent of broken legs. Yes, you’re now aware of it and you’re working through it in therapy but that doesn’t mean that you’re ready to date yet. Someone who shattered both legs isn’t ready to jump back up and dance and run competitive races like they were before just because their bones have finally knit; there’s frequently weeks, months or even years of physical therapy to augment the healing, repair and re-strengthen the atrophied muscles and get back to where they were before.
So it is with you: you’ve still got a lot of healing and recovery to do before you’re ready to focus on dating. I mean, shit, you’re still working on trusting your friends. And don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that as a dig at you doing things wrong. I’m pointing out that you are having a harder time being trusting and being vulnerable in situations with much lower stakes and lower risks. That’s the sort of thing that should tell you that you’re not in good working order just yet. You’re getting there, but you’re not there yet. And that’s ok! Healing is a process and it takes time. There’s no way to speed up that process that will actually help you. At best, you’re numbing yourself to the pain of the recovery process. At worst, you end up actively setting yourself back and making things worse.
Part of the healing and recovery process isn’t just learning to be comfortable with vulnerability and openness. Part of it is learning how to recognize who you can trust… but part of it is also recognizing that trust and vulnerability isn’t a binary process. It’s not a matter of being all the way open or all the way closed off; you can give people limited access or limited levels of openness and adjust those over time.
Think of it as a series of overlapping concentric circles of trust, where the closer someone is to you, the more access and vulnerability they get. The people who are closest to you get the most access; these are the people who have proven that you can trust them. Each level past that are people who have levels of access or vulnerability that are commiserate with the trust that they’ve earned. Strangers get very little access, acquaintances get a little more, friends a little more than that. As each individual earns your trust and proves themselves, you can adjust the level of openness you give them accordingly.
But for folks to reach those inner circles, you have to let them have the chance to earn your trust. If you aren’t willing to let people prove themselves to you, then you’re never going to have the chance to see that people can be trusted. You’re never going to find the people who you can connect with because you’re holding yourself apart from them. People can only reach so far and will only try so hard to reach you; if you keep slapping their hands away or ignoring them in the first place, then eventually they’re going to stop.
Right now, you have the opportunity to start practicing letting people in, starting with the community you’ve been organizing. As I said: you don’t need to fully rip the mask off and give everyone admin level access to you; you start by giving them limited (but genuine) access and seeing where it goes. Let them prove to you that they are who they say and that you can allow yourself to trust again. As they prove trustworthy (or not), you can open up a little bit more. Then the cycle repeats – as they prove trustworthy, you give them a bit more access.
In some ways, it’s going to be a lot like earning the trust of a feral cat. You behave consistently, signaling to it that you want it to approach and let you take care of it, but letting it come to you and not reaching for it. As you consistently show it that you’re safe – giving it food, not making sudden moves, letting it sniff your finger and maybe accept a scratch behind the ears – you build trust between it and you to the point that it will accept you as Its Person. Well… in this particular metaphor, you are the feral cat. Letting people earn your trust through gradual but steady and consistent demonstrations of safe behavior is how you know when it’s ok to lower your defenses and come a little closer and closer. Over time, you build a friendship and connection because they have shown that they can be trusted.
Now this doesn’t mean that the process is going to be smooth or effortless. There will inevitably be points of friction; there’s no existing in a society without occasionally getting elbowed or bumped into. But part of learning to trust is recognizing the difference between an honest misunderstanding or accidental collision vs. someone who’s trying to take advantage of you. It may take a few tries before you don’t flinch when someone extends their hand in friendship and affection, but you can get there – especially when the people around you understand what you’ve been through and why it takes time to earn your trust. The consistency and sincerity of their actions will be part of what shows you their true intent.
But that requires you letting it happen. And it requires your being patient with yourself and taking care of yourself. And to be clear, taking care of yourself includes taking steps to make sure you’re feeling secure and stable. Putting money aside in a “get the fuck out of my parents’ house” fund and a rainy day fund will be important, too. It doesn’t do to learn to trust again when other aspects of your life are being undermined.
I realize how frustrating it is. Trust me, I understand the inner voice that yells “But I want to be fixed now”. None of us want to have to wait for what we are already missing. But the only way out is through and there are no shortcuts. This isn’t a matter of being unfit for love, it’s an order of operations. You have to complete the pre-reqs before you can move on to the next stage. And that means healing, stability and getting your feet back under you.
It’s time to stop wondering why you can’t run those marathons and focus on healing your legs instead. Yes, it feels like time is running out. I promise you: it’s not. That’s just anxiety gnawing on your brain like weasels. There is time enough for love, and love will be waiting for you when you’re ready. But first you have to be ready.
You’re on the path, my dude. The end of this particular road feels like it’s far away, but I promise, it’s closer than you think. You’ll get there soon enough. Take it the pace of healing. Don’t make the mistake of setting yourself back by trying to rush it.
You’ve got this.
All will be well.
Hello. You answered my question a while back while I was trying to work up the nerve to use my words and ask what I wanted from someone. Thank you for giving me the kick in the pants I needed to have the conversation. It went super well, and we are on the same page and planning to continue talking about how best to manage moving forward to the next step while being respectful of each other’s kiddos in the process. I know mentally the only way to get what you want is to ask, but sometimes it’s the hardest thing in the world! I tell people (kids) all the time “use your words” and that was basically your advice but sometimes you need to hear it. As of last week we are engaged. (And had the prenup convo like 12 hours after you posted about it with like, zero drama, haha). So, yay!
I realize my update is less informative/interesting than many people who have situations more complicated in solution than “say words” but I bet people would be super curious for an update thread or two someday if people ever reach back out to you and update you.
Super appreciate your thoughtful advice and ongoing support of the greater good in pointing lonely dudes away from a life of misogynistic bitterness.
No Longer High Stakes
Thanks for writing back to let us know how things were going, NLHS! I’m glad to hear it’s worked out so well, and congratulations on your engagement!
Here’s to more good times in the future and a happy holiday and new year to you and yours.
And a happy holiday to you, my readers, and a joyous, safe and loving new year to you all.
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