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What is wrong with me?? I have been searching for a sweet, wonderful guy. Along the way, I met someone that I adored, but I found out that he was sleeping with someone else. I confronted him and told him that I had to be the only one. He said he wasn’t ready or willing to settle down with one person. So, I continued my search and met Mr. Wonderful. He adores me, is ready to propose, but I have a problem–our sex life is not good, and I find myself dreaming about Mr. Two-Timer, who was great in bed. What’s worse, Mr. Two-Timer, who couldn’t commit, now has a committed relationship with the other woman.
I’m still jealous and feeling hurt over him, while I’ve got this wonderful guy who loves me and wants to commit. I’m wondering what the hell is wrong with me? Can sex, or boring sex, cloud one’s judgment this much??
Lisa
Dear Lisa,
Isn’t it a shame there isn’t a correlation between “nice”and “great-in-bed”
(Millions of men who have slept with hot crazy women are nodding right now.)
The truth is that attraction and devotion are two things that CAN go together but don’t INHERENTLY go together. In fact, it would probably be more accurate to state that attraction and devotion are at opposite poles.
(Millions of women who have gone out with non-committal bad boys are nodding right now.)
He was SLEEPING with someone else, which instantly disqualifies him for his free gift from the Boyfriend-of-the-Month Club. Good riddance.
So what’s a nice girl who wants a nice guy with awesome bedroom skills to do?
Well, as a dating coach who tries to train all of his clients to become their OWN dating coach, here’s what I’d suggest: Look at the things you cannot change.
Mr. Two-Timer is a two-timer. It doesn’t matter if you initially adored him, he was SLEEPING with someone else, which instantly disqualifies him for his free gift from the Boyfriend-of-the-Month Club. Good riddance.
Mr. Two-Timer has another 120lbs of baggage, his new girlfriend. Don’t get too upset. She’ll learn his nickname soon enough. Although maybe not until a few years into their marriage. Be glad that he’s her problem, not yours.
Oh, but then there’s the sex thing. Why does sex always have to get in the way of such beautiful friendships?
(Millions of women who want to marry their gay best friends are nodding right now.)
Thankfully, sex is something that can change, especially if the parties involved are motivated to change. If you don’t believe me, consider what you know about sex now as compared with when you were say, 16. Have you learned a thing or two? I sure hope so.
Where things get sticky (not literally) is in trying to finesse HOW to get Mr. Devoted to WANT to change. Does he have any idea that you’re dissatisfied with your love life? Have you been faking your way through the past year? If so, it’s going to come as quite a shock to this guy that, oops, I’ve been lying to you this entire time….
I’m not saying it’s going to be easy. I can only imagine if my fiance suddenly let me know that my mad sex skillz were merely elementary to her. There’d be embarrassment, shame, and a severe loss of confidence. See, that’s the hardest part to fix.
The same way a woman who’s been cheated on will have great difficulty trusting a man if she takes him back, a man who has been told he’s got no game is always going to feel like he’s falling short.
But you haven’t given your guy a roadmap to please you, you’re just hoping he’s got his own built-in GPS.
And a guy who feels like he’s falling short is NEVER going to be confident enough to be good in bed. Let’s face it: being good in bed for a man is ALL about confidence. Sure, it helps to be properly equipped, but for the most part, it’s about knowing what you’re doing, playing a dominant role, knowing when to please and be pleased, experimenting, having stamina, and so on.
All of this stuff can improve with practice. But it is not going to improve until you start letting him know what you need. And that’s where you’ve fallen short, Lisa. You’re not wrong for desiring two men in two different ways. But you haven’t given your guy a roadmap to please you, you’re just hoping he’s got his own built-in GPS. Sorry, babe. Doesn’t always work like that.
Instead of telling him what he’s doing wrong, let him know what you’d like. You want to be tied up. You want to use a vibrator. You want him to take you from behind. Whatever. This guy WANTS to please you, all you have to do is show him how. And if that doesn’t take, there’s always Kama Sutra guides and sex therapists.
But it’s clear to me that you’ve got a far better shot of turning Mr. Devoted into Mr. Spank Me Harder than you do of turning Mr. Two-Timer With Another Girlfriend into Mr. Monogamous.
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