[ad_1]
As a dating coach for smart, strong, successful women, I spend a LOT of time talking to women on the phone about their love lives.
In fact, I’ve participated in so much girl talk, I’m like an honorary girlfriend at this point.
And the one thing that I consistently hear from women is this:
I want a man who is a leader.
I want a man who makes decisions.
I want a man who has a plan.
I want a man who can take control — start his own company, book his own vacation, and yes, even be dominant in the bedroom.
(My female clients tell me EVERYTHING!)
It’s really easy to see why this kind of guy is attractive.
Confident men inspire confidence in women.
Confident men inspire confidence in women.
And as much as we’ve evolved as a society in terms of gender equality, there’s still a primal urge where many women long for a taste of a traditional marriage.
ALL of my clients have careers, yet the majority still want to feel protected, preferably by a tall, broad, successful man who can bring home the bacon, wipe away the tears and beat up the bad guys, if necessary.
What’s not to like about that?
Who doesn’t want a man who is an equal?
After all… You’re a go-getter.
You’re as smart as most of the men you meet.
You work hard and make a comparable income.
You have close relationships with friends and family.
You have strong opinions and aren’t afraid to voice them.
And yet you often meet men who don’t mesh with you.
The attractive alpha males are egocentric commitment-phobes.
The nice guys are bland and wishy-washy and don’t turn you on.
You figured out what you really want – an alpha male who is nice! Or maybe a nice guy with balls! Someone to make you feel excited and safe simultaneously.
What nice guys don’t realize is that you’re not looking for a man to cater to your whims
Unfortunately, these men are very, very, rare. You’ve probably noticed.
So if it’s so hard to find one of these mythical beasts, what are you to do?
I’ve got a few ideas.
In fact, as one of those men, I’ve got a lot of ideas on that very subject, but before we get to those I have to give you credit for knowing one big thing: you can’t change guys.
Which is why most adult women have largely grown out of their bad-boy phase.
Except, of course, when you haven’t.
So instead of dating the rebellious teenage rocker, you date the 44-year-old guy who’s never been married. He’s not on the road 40 weeks a year, but he works 60 hours a week.
Both men claim to want to find love, but aren’t willing to sacrifice for it.
These guys are a waste of your time.
It’s not that they’re bad people, it’s that they don’t have much to give to the relationship.
Thus, you have two choices — get out of the relationship, or accept that you’ll always come in second to his work or freedom. You know what that’s like.
To be waiting on a guy, to have the strongest feelings for him… only to learn that he’s not willing to put forth the effort or commitment necessary to make you feel safe.
It happens all the time, and it’s a crushing feeling.
Then there are the nice guys. Oh, I know how you feel about nice guys…
Here’s the thing about nice guys:
They really want to please you.
Really. Really. Want to please you.
It’s the most important thing in the world for them.
Which is why they’re always asking you how to do it.
“Where do you want to go tonight?”
“Was there something that I did wrong?”
“What can I do to make you happy?”
What nice guys don’t realize is that you’re not looking for a man to cater to your whims.
You’re looking for a man to lead, to make sound decisions, to drive the car while you ride shotgun.
Yet the guys who do that — the leaders – are often the most arrogant, most difficult, most combustible ones around. Right?
How do you find a guy who puts you first, but ALSO can take the lead?
If the nice guy wants to please you, why should he even bother to make any decision that you’re just going to overrule anyway?
Well, if it’s not by trying to change the alpha male, what do you have left? The nice guy.
But there’s a problem. And, believe it or not, you may be at the root of it.
You want the nice guy to lead, but you refuse to let him do it.
Before you get angry, think about it for a second.
He suggests a bar. You tell him you’d prefer one in a different part of town.
He suggests a movie. You tell him that you weren’t crazy about the reviews.
He suggests a weekend trip. You tell him you had another destination in mind.
He suggests a new position in the bedroom. You say you don’t do that.
Your intentions are pure — you want what you want — but the message that you’re sending to him is unmistakable:
You can be a leader and make decisions, as long as I have final approval.
And if the nice guy wants to please you, why should he even bother to make any decision that you’re just going to overrule anyway? He might as well ask you that awful question:
“What do YOU want to do?”
Hey, at least he knows you’re not going to shoot down your own idea.
I remember the first time I brought this concept up to a private dating coaching client.
She’s mid-40s, attractive, vice president of a big company. Definitely an alpha female — a woman who can intimidate men but really wants a man who is stronger than she is.
She was explaining to me how annoyed she was with this new man she was dating.
“It was bad enough when he took me to a dive bar with live music. But then, when he sensed that I wasn’t happy, he asked me where I wanted to go instead! And I’m thinking, ‘Buddy, just make a decision and tell me what we’re doing. I don’t want to have to come up with everything.’
I told her that I understood why she didn’t like his choice of bars. I told her that I understood how she wanted him to make his own decision.
And then I told her what I really felt.
“It’s like you want him to be the President, yet you want to have veto power.”
She laughed, and then got very silent. I continued:
You can’t have two leaders. If you want him to lead, you have to be willing to follow. You can’t overrule him.
Strong-willed men — the kind that inspire confidence — are less likely to be “pleasers”.
However, if you, as a woman, want to be a leader, understand these two things:
1) You’re not going to attract an alpha male. Male leaders don’t partner with women who tell them what to do.
2) You’re going to attract less assertive men, and you can’t get upset at them for asking how to please you.
Hey, I don’t make these rules! I just observe them.
But it makes perfect sense, doesn’t it?
Strong-willed men — the kind that inspire confidence — are less likely to be “pleasers”.
They’re going to march to the beat of their own drums and hope that you follow along.
The more you fight with them and try to rein them in, the weaker your relationship. You’ve probably seen this before in your own life. This is why strong men often marry easy-going women. It’s easier because there’s no argument about who’s going to lead.
Nice guys — the kind that you don’t respect as much — want only to please you, and will bend over backwards to do so.
They’ve learned that you’re going to assert your will no matter what they say, and they find it easier to ask directly how to make you happy.
And what’s the point of making a decision that’s likely to be vetoed anyway?
I can almost hear you steaming right now.
“I don’t tell men what to do. I don’t want to be boss. I just want an equal relationship!”
I hear you. And you’re right.
There IS a middle ground. All relationships are about compromise.
I’m not suggesting you let an alpha male make all the decisions while you keep quiet.
I’m not suggesting you make all the decisions for the nice guy either.
I’m just observing these important concepts in understanding men:
The alpha male is less likely to compromise. If you can’t handle that he’s got a strong ego and doesn’t want to do things your way, don’t date him.
The nice guy is more willing to compromise, so don’t hold it against him. It’s necessarily not a sign of weakness; it may be a sign of wisdom.
Nice guys just want to get along, which can be a good thing when you’re a strong-willed woman. After all, you’re going to have less conflict with a man who puts your needs above his.
Your other choice is to date the selfish and arrogant alpha male, who usually puts his needs first, as you can tell from years of trying to tame the charismatic types.
Want to find a man who can pull off the balance between nice and arrogant? Sorry. I’m already taken. 😉
But I know for a fact there are plenty more of us out there.
Just don’t keep on doing the same thing — chasing alpha males and waiting for them to change. Because, as you’ve seen, that can be a really frustrating — and futile – process.
[ad_2]
www.evanmarckatz.com
