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Hi Dr. NerdLove,
I’m a polyamorous woman in her late thirties looking for more dating possibilities than I currently have. I would say that I have a lot going for me— I’m reasonably attractive for my age, I’d say just slightly above average without being a model or something, I have a good day job and a thriving side career in a creative field, and I would say that I am fun, easy to talk to, and take an interest in people.
In terms of my circumstances, I live in a fairly large city in a country where polyamory is tolerated, and I have a wide and varied social network and lots of hobbies. If there is anything that I would say has been wrong relationship-wise, it is that I realized during the pandemic that I had been settling for less in relationships. I left a marriage that had been dying a slow death and a betrayal was involved, and just prior to the pandemic, I had also left another toxic partner.
I’m pleased to report that I found a new nesting partner who is very compatible with me, and met another wonderful casual partner through him, and I can pretty much get casual sex with other people anytime I feel like it. While I’m very satisfied with my life and the people in it, I’ve wanted to date more since leaving my marriage, and it never seems to work out.
I’m out about being polyamorous, but don’t typically meet a lot of other polyamorous people in the wild. My city doesn’t have any good meetups, despite doing good numbers on the apps, and I don’t talk about it too loudly outside of my existing friend circles because I don’t want to be branded creepy or be accused of hitting on people who don’t want polyamory, just for mentioning it. Honestly, I’d prefer to meet someone in person, but making that happen just feels hard, for the above reasons and many others.
I’m also on the apps, and that’s where the real challenge comes in. My new partners and my personal growth journey have caused me to raise my standards significantly, and I’m having trouble calibrating my new standards when evaluating candidates on dating apps. I’m deliberately being gender neutral here because I’m bi, but just due to statistical realities the majority of the people I interact with are men or AMAB.
Anyway, I have a hard time getting a read on people from dating profiles as it is, but just… the vast majority of what’s available on the apps doesn’t appeal to me. I find myself being a lot pickier about looks than if I met someone in person because that’s all I have to go on, and the majority of folks I end up talking to lay on too many compliments or get too sexual too fast in a way that puts me off and I just stop responding. The very small remainder of folks that I talk to for more than a couple of messages usually end up in one of two camps— we have a major incompatibility somewhere or they’re only offering something very casual, which is fine, but I’m looking for someone to have a closer relationship with. I’ve had about three first dates in the last year and a half, and only one person even got to a second before striking out.
I’m just a bit sad about all this because I see people in my extended network making fun connections, even spontaneous ones. My nesting partner especially is having a grand time, and I’m genuinely happy for him but want that for me too. Just, I can’t seem to figure out how to strike that balance between holding up my new standards and giving people a chance. Even casual encounters seem like calculus or a lengthy job interview in my brain.
Any insight you can provide would be so helpful.
Sincerely,
Bucking The Stereotype
(Doctor’s Note: For those who aren’t up on ENM community jargon, a “nesting partner” means “the partner I share a home with”; often, but not always, someone who could be considered their “primary” partner.)
I’ll be honest here, BTS, I’m actually a little surprised your nesting partner is having an easier time finding dates and potential matches than you are. One of the most common complaints from hetero non-monogamous couples – to the point of almost being a cliché – is that the male partner tends to have a harder time finding people, while the female partner ends up with more dates and offers than she can handle.
But life is nothing if not a panoply of variety and unexpected results, so hey, good for him! But also, let’s put a pin in this for a second, because we will be coming back to it.
There are a few things at play here that are likely causing issues for you. The first is, simply, that dating is a numbers game at heart. This is especially true for women who date men; they are frequently going to find far more guys who are looking for no-strings hook-ups or a casual relationship, rather than something serious. This has little to do with the dynamics of polyamory or non-monogamy and everything to do with how guys are socialized; it’s part and parcel of the whole “you’re judged by how much sex you get and how easily you get it” aspect of restrictive and toxic norms that surround ideas of masculinity. So it’s not that surprising that you’re running into guys who aren’t interested in the same sort of committed relationship you are. That would be happening whether you were poly or not. Part of dating – especially when using the apps – is about making sure that you’re balancing “meeting people” with “not wasting too much of time time”.
Now some of this is self-inflicted. In some ways, you’re handicapping yourself, especially by being on the down-low about being polyamorous.
You mention that you’re worried about being branded as being creepy or that people will think you’re hitting on them when you’re not. I’m curious: is this something that’s actually happening? Or is this something you’re just worried about and preemptively trying to avoid? Because if it’s the latter… well, honestly, this would end up being a case of reacting to an imaginary person in an imaginary scenario, rather than something that actually occurred. It’s important to keep the difference in mind because, frankly, I’ve run into far too many people who blame their dating woes on the person in their head they made up to get mad at, rather than things that they’ve actually experienced.
To be fair, it is understandable why you feel like you need to keep that quiet – God knows that there’re folks who get really goddamn weird about anything that isn’t traditional hetero monogamy. However, by that same token, it’s pretty hard for folks to know you’re open to dating, even though you’re partnered, if they don’t know that you’re in an open relationship in the first place. It’s possible that there’re folks you’ve met who might be open to dating you, but think that you’re off the market because, hey, you’re living with your partner.
So one of the first things that would make this easier would be to be more open about being in a non-monogamous relationship.
Of course, this doesn’t mean that you need to act like some obnoxious stereotype who finds ways to wedge polyamory or ethical non-monogamy into every conversation with every person they meet. Instead, you want to treat it casually, the way you would talk about your relationship with your nesting partner if you were monogamous.
What I mean is: consider how people generally reveal that they have a committed partner or spouse. Most of the time, it’s not something that gets wedged into the conversation, but something that came up organically. Usually it’s something as simple as “oh, my wife/husband/boyfriend/girlfriend/partner/$LABEL loved that restaurant” or “I was just asking my partner about that the other day…” These moments – ones we often don’t consciously think about – convey not just information about that specific subject, but also that they’re in a particular kind of relationship. It doesn’t feel forced or like you’re trying to drive a point home (er… usually), so much as just being a random relevant data point about you.
Being similarly casual about your being open can be as organic and unobtrusive, without making it seem like you’re either sleezing around or trying to hit on folks.
I assume that there are times when you casually mention that you have a partner and that you live together, because it’s relevant to the conversation. Mentioning another partner or that your partner’s girlfriend/boyfriend/enbiefriend in the same casual way is hardly going to lead to accusations of hitting on strangers or whatever.
If it hits at all, it’s more likely to lead to questions of “wait, I thought you had a boyfriend/partner/whatever”, which can then be answered with a simple “oh, we’re poly/open/non-monogamous” and left at that. Someone who wants to know more can inquire, other folks will likely just shrug and move on, knowing one more data point about you than they did before.
But that one data point is a crucial one for someone who thinks you’re fine as hell and precisely their type. It will also be crucial for folks who are into you but aren’t poly; this is information that will let them self-select out of your potential dating pool.
It’s also worth noting that there are more folks out there who don’t identify as poly or ethically non-monogamous, but who can rock with it if given the chance. So someone may not be part of the poly community or even have given it much thought, but they may well be open to being, well… open. Those are folks who may not even realize it’s an option for them, until they meet someone like you.
Now, the apps are another story. Considering the circumstances, the apps might seem like an obvious solution to your problem. Thing is: as you’re discovering, they’re difficult in their own right, just in different and frustrating ways.
Part of this is simply the nature of dating apps in 2023 and a rant for another time. But part of it is about making sure you’re finding the right people, and that the right people are finding you.
One thing to consider is which apps you’re currently using. Tinder and OKCupid may be the 500 lb gorilla of the dating app world, but they’re often a bad place for ENM/poly people to find potential serious relationships. You may do better on an app like Feeld or #Open, both of which cater more towards alternative relationship models, and where you’re more likely to find other poly people looking to date, rather than just hook up.
Another thing is to consider that apps, especially apps that focus on swipe mechanics, do make it hard to accurately judge your interest in a person. You’re right that, in many cases, all you have to go on are their photos, and God knows that a lot of straight dudes are just bad at taking appealing photos. But some people’s appeal will never come across in pictures; they’re meant to be seen in action, not in stillness. Similarly, they may have decent pictures, but their profiles may not convey their non-physical qualities in the best possible light. And then there’s the fact that because so much of what signals both attractiveness and compatibility are non-verbal, there are going to be plenty of folks who might be amazing matches in person but who don’t come off that way in text.
So with regards to the apps: start with examining which apps you’re currently using and whether those are going to be aligned with what you’re looking for. Many of them – especially ones that are more geared to serial monogamists or hook-ups – have the wrong customer base for your needs. Making sure you’re in the right place will always improve your overall experience, even if you’re dealing with a smaller pool of potentials.
You also want to be very clear in your profile about what you’re looking for in your profile – you’re looking for dating, not casual encounters. You don’t need a “if you’re just looking for a hook-up, swipe right” or whatever, but saying “I’m looking for a serious, potentially committed relationship” is going to be an important signal for anyone who comes across your profile. Think of it as the first filter in a series of filters to- help winnow out both the well-meaning but ill-suited matches and the time-wasters. The former will self-select out of the pool and the later will be that much more easily identifiable, and you can delete them without having to think about it.
But of those that remain? This is where you may need to consider changing how you approach online dating. The biggest change will be moving the conversation off the apps, and ideally to in person, as soon as is feasible.
Now I’m an avowed advocate of the 15-minute pre-date, where you meet up briefly (no more than 15 – 20 minutes) to decide if you two have chemistry in person and if you’re going to go on a proper date in the near future. But this is easy for me – a cis, hetero white guy – to suggest; the dynamics are going to be different for me than they might be for you. If that’s not something that is feasible for you or that you would feel safe doing, you may, at the very least, want to do some video or Facetime calls to get more of a vibe check from them and see if there’s enough there to make that meet-in-person meet up worth your time.
At the very least, it’ll help you square the issue of your standards vs. how they come off in their profile. A lot of people who may be edge cases may prove to be your type when you see them in motion.
A third option is to forgo the apps and to focus on poly-friendly meet-ups and events. It’s entirely possible that there is a larger pool of poly and ENM folks than people realize… but who may not be aware that there are other ENM folks all around them. I realize that there seem to be few or no poly events or groups in your area, but that can mean that you may well be the person to fill that lack. Starting a monthly or bi-monthly cocktail hour at a local bar, a poly karaoke group, a pickleball league, something, may help put you in the middle of a network of poly, open and poly-curious folks and thus increasing the number of potentials in your dating pool.
It can be a lot of work, and God knows that a lot of poly communities are so intertwined that it can feel like dating one person from it is equivalent to being in a relationship with all of them, but it will help make you part of a network that can then lead to the right people. Plus, as a bonus it can also give you something to invite people to, so you can check them out in person without necessarily having to go on a first date to nowhere in particular. This can be especially helpful with folks from the apps who seem to have potential, but who you aren’t quite ready to see one-on-one, yet.
A fourth and unorthodox area to look into if you’re wanting to have better results would be your nesting partner. Right now, he’s having a grand ol’ time… which means he may well be an overlooked resource for you, if only because he may be doing something you’re not – yet, anyway.
You might want to take a look at how he’s conducting his affairs (metaphorically and literally) and meeting folks. There may well be some things that he’s doing that you can then adapt for your own use, so that they synch with your personality and general approach to dating. If he’s meeting folks in person, then getting a little more insight into how he’s sorting out who’s open to being open, where he’s meeting them and so on may help you shift how you are meeting people.
Another possibility is that, if he’s meeting poly people, the odds are good that they know other poly or poly compatible folks. You don’t need to be dating together or only date established couples, but it certainly wouldn’t hurt to ask if he can ask about who else his dates may know who might be your type. You might even find some use in arranging a group date or an introduction to some of the folks they might know. And while those folks may not be your next potential partner, they may know someone who is.
Now, notice very carefully over the course of this response that I don’t mention changing your standards. Part of this is because I don’t know what your standards are, but also because… well, everyone gets to decide what their standards are and how flexible they are. That also comes with the trade-off: the higher and more inflexible your standards, the smaller the dating pool you’ll have by definition.
A smaller dating pool isn’t necessarily a bad thing, though. A larger pool certainly has it’s advantages. More people can mean greater opportunities for meeting folks you might not have clocked as a potential match under other circumstances. Online dating is a prime example of how you can miss folks you’d get on with if you met them elsewhere. But it also means that you’re going to be going through more bad matches and false positives than if you’re dealing with a smaller, but more curated list of options.
As I said, part of dating is balancing meeting people and not wasting your time. You don’t want to be everyone’s cup of tea, you want to be a few people’s shot of whiskey, and vice versa. If you’re winnowing you dating pool down to only folks you can rock with… well, you may not be meeting as many people as someone with lower standards, but at least you know that the ones you do meet are worth your time. But when those options seem to be thin on the ground, that trade-off may be more frustrating than you’re willing to live with.
It’s in those moments that you have a choice to make. You have to decide whether those standards are worth not dating as often as you might prefer, or if you’d rather give more people a chance and be open to a greater chance for serendipity.
And, quite honestly, this is an area where there really is no right or wrong answer. It’s about what works for you. If you know that your standards are your standards because those are the things you must have and you’re ok with holding out for them, then hey, you’re doing what’s right for you. If not? Well, it may be worth relaxing them for a little while and seeing how things go. Nobody says that if you change your standards one way or the other that you can’t change them right back. Changing them isn’t an admission of weakness or of being wrong, it’s just a question of what trade offs you’re willing to accept and what ultimately meets your needs in the most effective and efficient way possible. Sometimes changing your standards for a bit will just confirm that they were correct after all.
That having been said: it can be helpful to ask just why you (the general “you”, not you specifically, BTS) set your standards where you have. It’s good for everyone to work towards self-awareness and to try to determine whether their standards a matter of actual need, general preference, or a reaction to past experiences. Some folks may, for example, knee-jerk hard away from people who remind them of their exes, even if their exes are otherwise lovely people. Other times it can be a matter of trying to prove something – to themselves or to others – rather than saying “this is the level I need my partners to be on in order to date”.
The last thing I will say is that if this seems like a lot of effort… it can be. Dating when you’re poly is dating squared or even cubed; you’re increasing the complexity of the equation by quite a bit because you’ve increased the number of variables you have to account for. And that’s before dealing with the fact that there’re just not as many poly or poly-compatible folks out there. There’re almost certainly many who aren’t aware that they’re poly-compatible… but finding them is part of that equation.
But this is also a matter where a heavier early investment frequently pays off down the line by making sorting through the results easier. That initial set-up is like building infrastructure. Once that’s in place, the rest goes much more smoothly and efficiently than it would without that infrastructure being in place. So, as with so many things, it’s a question of trade-offs.
And hey, it could well be that you don’t necessarily need all that infrastructure. You may well find that making a couple minor changes serve to fix any bottleneck issues you’re running into.
But like I always say: nobody said it’d be easy, just that it’d be worth it.
Good luck.
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