[ad_1]
Estimated reading time: 13 minutes
I’m a 29 year old man and after a prolonged and involuntary dry spell, I committed to turning my life around and getting a girlfriend this year. As part of that quest, I’ve been getting on the big-name apps and doing everything I can to maximize the number of matches I get. I’ve tuned up my photos with those face-improvement apps, I’ve got a killer profile that people want to see… At the risk of bragging a little, getting matches hasn’t been a problem for me. I’m cleaning up. The problem is that none of those matches go anywhere. NONE of them.
I’ve been on Tinder, Hinge, OKC, you name it, and the pattern is hauntingly consistent. I get a match, send a message, we talk and then – she goes radio silent. Or just I get unmatched without a reply at all.
I swear I’m not kicking off with anything creepy or outlandish. I keep my openers friendly and casual, try to pick up something from their profile to show I’m actually paying attention, and yet, it seems like I’m getting nowhere.
What gives? Is there something I’m missing or doing wrong? Do I need to cast my net even wider? How can I break this cycle and actually start having dates?
Ghosts of Matches Past
Without either going over your messages like I’m trying to decode captured enemy intelligence or sitting over your shoulder like an online Cyrano, it’s going to be hard to tell you if the issue is what you’re saying, GMP. But based on what’s in your letter, I suspect you’re making a very common mistake that’s killing your game.
One of the things I’ve noticed – primarily, but not exclusively, among men using dating apps – is a preoccupation on getting as many matches as possible. The thinking is that you want to get tons and tons of matches in order to increase the likelihood that you’ll turn a percentage of these into dates.
On paper, this seems like the sort of thing that makes sense. It’s the shotgun approach; throw enough lead in the air and you’ll hit something, eventually. “If I get X matches and can expect Y percentage of replies, I should be able to get Z dates.” If you’re looking at this as a purely mathematical exercise involving theoretical people, this would seem logical.
In practice, it’s a reminder of the old engineering joke of “first imagine a spherical cow” – essentially, the mistake of trying to reduce a complex subject like attraction and compatibility into something simple and easily expressed in an equation.
But also it misses the point of why most people use dating apps. The general goal of using a dating app is to meet someone you like and who likes you, while wasting as little time as possible. And wasting time includes “matches that never respond” and meeting up for dates with people who are fundamentally wrong for you. When you’re focused on getting as many matches as you can, you may get LOTS of them… but the majority of them will be low-quality matches. That is, matches with people who aren’t compatible with and who are unlikely to be interested in you.
Despite what some will tell you, quantity doesn’t have a quality all of its own. Lots of matches aren’t helpful – certainly not when they’re not the right matches. This is why one of the match-maximization tricks that folks try – swiping right on everyone – works against them both algorithmically and against their goals. You don’t want matches, you want dates. Which means you need the right matches to start with. A thousand matches isn’t a wealth of potential sex beyond dreams of avarice, it’s a serious drain on your time as you have to sort through which people are actually compatible with you, which ones you’re interested in and then you get the headache of trying to actually manage multiple conversations leading towards the likelihood of getting a date.
(And hey, I’ll be getting into that with the next letter…)
So part of the issue you’re likely running into is that you’ve got matches, but they’re the wrong matches. Some of them looked at your photos but not your profile and then, after checking your profile, saw you weren’t their type. Some, I’m sure, could tell which filters you were using to make your pictures look good and passed because you did a lot of fine-tuning. Those likely account for the ones who just straight un-match you without saying anything.
After that, the most likely issue is that either you’re not connecting with them when you message them or else you’re taking too long to actually propose a date.
The former seems likely for a decent percentage of people going quiet. The shotgun approach means you may hit a lot of things, but you’re not necessarily hitting what you’re aiming for. So it likely doesn’t take very long before they twig to the fact that you’re not they’re type.
The latter, which is surprisingly common, likely makes up for another decently sized percentage of people going silent and unmatching. One of the common complaints of online dating are the time wasters; folks who either take too long or show little interest in actually trying to meet. Sometimes this is a case of schedules just not lining up. Other times, though, it comes from folks who are spending SO much time trying to build up chemistry or tension or even just guarantee a date (or sex, for that matter) that the other person gets bored, assumes that their match isn’t interested or ends up going out with someone else who did ask them out. They can’t go on dates with you if you don’t actually invite them on one.
(There’s also the possibility that the way you’re messaging them isn’t working or turns them off but, as I said, I can’t judge that without actually seeing your messages. So I’m giving the broad brushstrokes here.)
So your best approach here is going to be focus less on quantity and more on quality. That is: you don’t need 100 matches, you really want 5 or 6 REALLY GOOD matches. Prioritizing finding the right people is going to do better, because you’ll actually go on dates. You know – the whole reason you’re on the apps in the first place.
Start by narrowing your appeal here, and focus on making a profile that’s going to appeal to the people that you actually want to date and have a relationship with. And no, that doesn’t mean “everyone” or “is female and not dead”. Even if all you’re looking for is a hook-up or a casual relationship, you want to at the very least find folks whose company you can enjoy – even if sex or romance isn’t on the table. Being willing to be more polarizing and less broadly appealing is a good thing here; it drives off the folks who aren’t going to be into you and draws in the people who are.
Next: Don’t let those “getting to know you” chats go on for too long. Yes, it’s good to establish a baseline of chemistry and interest, even to flirt a bit… but you don’t want to try to do all the work before you even see them. If you and your match have good chemistry and mutual interest when you message back and forth, do yourself a favor: move the conversation off the apps. Ideally, move it to in person, with a pre-date date to do your social due diligence. All you really need to say is “hey, I’m really enjoying talking to you, but I find online chats kinda shallow. I’ve got a little time on Thursday between engagements; how about we meet up at $COFFEE_PLACE for a quick latte and we can both see if we click in person?”
Ideally, you’d want to meet for about 15 to 20 minutes and see how you two like each other in the flesh. In the worst case, you’re out fifteen minutes and the price of a cup of coffee. In the best case… you two get on like a house on fire and you plan your next date then and there.
So TL;DR: don’t worry about broad appeal or popularity or maximizing matches, focus on finding the RIGHT people for you. And then do your best to meet up in person, rather than letting conversations linger until someone else takes the initiative and asks your match out on the date you didn’t. That’ll go a long way towards solving your issues… and you’ll have a better time in the process.
Good luck.
Hi Doc,
A bit of a different question here. I (32/m/he/him/his) just started using Hinge again after a year hiatus. I’ve only had my account for 9 days as of writing this letter. In that time, I’ve garnered 16 matches averaging more than 1 every day and I have not lowered my standards. This must mean that my profile and my openers are doing something right. I did go on one date three days ago.
My question is, how does one handle a full inbox? I was attempting to engage with everyone who either matched or liked me, but it felt like I was spreading my attention too thin. I don’t expect all of them will go out with me, but I also would like to get as many opportunities to connect in person as I can. I know a lot of this is completely out of my control, but what would you do?
Thanks,
UnexpectedSuccess
Well hey, congratulations on the sudden surge of popularity! I imagine that has to feel pretty darn good! So let’s make sure you make the most of this opportunity and minimize any heartbreak and struggles.
The first thing I’d suggest is that you want to make sure you’re not making the same mistake that Ghosts of Matches Past is making by casting your net too widely. But 16 matches in 9 days is pretty damn respectable, and hopefully these are actually good matches.
Now, as I said to GMP: the goal of online dating is to meet someone you want to see again while wasting as little of your time as possible – both on bad dates, but also managing messages. Part of the problem with having a VERY full inbox is that it makes it difficult to give any one person or small group of people the time and attention they deserve.
This is why the first thing I would suggest is that you start by doing some inbox triage. As I said: you want to waste little time on dates you’re not actually interested in, so start by figuring out who you’re most interested in and who you’re only mildly intrigued by.
I know it’s very tempting, especially if you’ve been having a hard time meeting people, to want to let go of any possibility. But the fact of the matter is that this tends to be the results of a scarcity mindset, and you want an abundance mindset. If the ones you’re into aren’t that into you in return, then there will be others who are just as great if not more so down the line. But you don’t do yourself or your matches any good by holding onto some that you’re not that into “just in case”. After all, you don’t want someone you can slot into the role marked “girlfriend”, you want someone you’re really into and really clicking with.
This is why I suggest a “fuck yes” or “fuck no” pass; if, while looking at their profile and pics, if they’re not a “fuck yes”, then you’re better off just letting those go. That will cut down the ones you’re just not that into and free up your time and attention for the ones you are.
Next: beware becoming Pavlov’s Dog. We already have a thousand different bings, beeps and badges making demands on our time; you don’t want to leap just because you see a notification pop up. If you compulsively open the app every time it pings at you, you’re going to burn through your emotional energy really quickly and you’re going to have a harder time giving any attention to the people you’re messaging. Let things sit until you have the time to actually respond, instead of replying immediately. It may be helpful to get in the habit of replying at specific times of the day – which will also help get you out of the habit of paying attention to response time between messages. I know some folks who mostly reply when they’re in the bathroom; it’s one of the few times when they don’t have a thousand other things competing for their attention.
(Do not, whatever you do, tell your matches that you’re replying while on the shitter.)
When you do reply, I’d recommend replying to the messages in the order they came in. Unless you and one of your matches hit it off immediately, going in chronological order helps keep things relatively organized and efficient. At the very least it means that you’re not bouncing around trying to figure out who you talked to last or most recently and who you’re over-messaging or under-messaging.
The third thing is what I tell everyone: the goal of online dating apps is to get off the apps, as quickly as possible. While it’s good to keep the conversation going, you still don’t want to be trying to do all the building of rapport and flirting via text – especially when you don’t know that person or haven’t met them in the flesh. You don’t want to try to grind out the full reputation/relationship meter with them; you want to connect enough that the two of you feel comfortable meeting up for a pre-date date and vetting session. So get the conversations going and if you two are getting along well, propose a short meetup – again, no more than 20 minutes max. That seems to be the sweet spot for “easy to say yes to” and “doesn’t feel like a waste of my time if it doesn’t work”.
The fourth thing to keep in mind that you don’t want to emotionally invest in any of these matches. Not yet. I realize this is going to sound weird or possibly even a bit dehumanizing but you may want to think of your matches as chat-bots until you actually meet up in person. One of the things I see all the time are folks who get very hung up on a person they’re chatting with and then get their heart broken when it ends up not happening for some reason or another.
The hard truth about dating apps is that you’re going to face a lot more rejection than you will meeting people face to face. Because of the nature of dating apps, especially ones with swipe mechanics, you’re putting yourself out there to far more people in 20 minutes than you could over the course of an evening. Which means that you’re going to be rejected more often, simply because of scale. If you take any of it personally, you’re going to burn out like someone dropping a lit match in a box of matches. Not getting too attached to any one person on a dating app until you actually get past the first date – not the first meet up but the first date – is a matter of self-protection against unnecessary heartbreak.
The fifth and final thing: don’t overthink this. I know people tie themselves into knots about “double texting”, “reply times”, green/blue to grey ratios, etc. All of that is an attempt to apply control to the ineffable, a way to try to apply rules to emotions that love to defy rules. If you start getting focused on the minutae – does it count as double-texting if you wait an hour in between? What about three? – then you’re going to lose sight of what you’re actually trying to do: find a connection with another person who you hopefully will like and who will hopefully like you. All that ends up happening is that you end up smothering the things that make you uniquely you and ensuring that your matches aren’t going to be as good or as solid.
As I said: you don’t want to take any of this too seriously – not the number of matches, not the number of replies, any of it – until you actually have met in person and had at least one date. If you do… well that’s how you get overwhelmed, then burnt out.
Good luck.
[ad_2]
www.doctornerdlove.com
