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Hi Doc,
I’m currently going through a dry spell. I haven’t had sex since December of 2021. This dry spell is becoming so comically long that my friends have started to poke fun at me about it, all of which I have taken in jest. I’m not sure why I’m having an issue with this; in my early 20s, I never had any issues getting male attention.
Now, I’m not ageist. I’m really not. Right about now, you’re probably bracing for me to say something really ageist, but just stay with me. What I find really annoying is that the only male attention I seem to be getting lately is from guys twice my age. I’m 27 and it seems that every guy who’s taken a genuine interest in me lately is over the age of 55. Now, there’s nothing wrong with that. I don’t mind it, actually. But it would be nice to be getting some attention from guys under the age of 40 for a change.
On top of it all, I’m really lonely. I don’t feel as if I need a man to complete me, but it would be nice to have someone to share my life, or at least a few nights, with.
Can I ask what would you do in my situation? Maybe your advice might inspire me to switch things up a bit.
Sincerely,
I’m Mr. Lonely
So if I’m understanding you correctly, IML, the issue isn’t that you’re not getting dates so much as you’re not getting interest from the men you’d prefer to be interested in you – men who’re closer to you in age than the ones currently hitting you up.
As we start, I think it’s important to remember that there really isn’t any way to dictate who expresses interest in you, especially on dating apps. As many, many people can tell you, it doesn’t matter how many disclaimers you put in your profile, there will always be people who ignore them. You can set your “interested in ages X to X+20” on your profile, but there will still be folks who think that they’re the exception or that they’re so special that you should just set this aside and give them a chance.
I say all of this because a lot of people across the gender and sexuality spectrums run into similar issues – they’re getting attention, but not from the folks they want attention from. And while this can be frustrating, it’s important to remember that doesn’t say anything about you as a person.
No, for real. I can’t tell you how many times I hear from people who think that the people responding to their dating profile is a measure of anything other than “this individual thinks you’re cute and would like to talk to you”. It’s not a sign of who “you can get” or your “league”, it’s just a sign of who was motivated to swipe right on you or message you.
This is frequently true in person, too. Folks get very caught up in the immediacy of “well, I go to the bar/club/singles event and I get no signals from people I’m into, but my friend does, so what does that say about me?”
Well, lots of things. It could say something about the vibe you’re putting out. It could say that your friend is more at home in that environment than you are, or is more of a social networker. It could even just be that the people you’re most interested in – or who are most likely to be interested in you – aren’t going to be found at that venue and you’re looking for love in the wrong place.
So what do we do when it seems like we’re getting the wrong folks’ attention? It’s a two-step process. Step one is to do an assessment of how we’re putting ourselves out there. Step two is to figure out what we can do differently to make sure we’re sending out the right message to the right people.
The first thing to consider is what, precisely you’re looking for, as this will affect who’s most likely to respond and may be influencing who you’re hearing from now. If, for example, you’re looking for more of a relationship – whether short term or long term – then your age might be a disadvantage. These days, more and more people (the statistics focus on opposite sex couples, but there are similar trends for queer relationships) put off serious relationships until later in life. For some, their 20s are time to focus on education or establishing themselves in their careers. For others, it’s a time for adventure and exploration, to revel in having relatively few commitments and responsibilities.
If you’re looking for something committed – maybe not forever, but something with more heft than a casual or NSA relationship – then you may be at the strange no-man’s land between the no-strings crowd and people who’re looking to settle down. That doesn’t mean that guys who are closer to your age that are also looking for a partner to share a life with don’t exist, it just means that they’re thinner on the ground than they would be if you were even 5 years older.
If you’re more interested in something more physical, then you should take a look over how you’re presenting yourself to potential matches. I’ve worked with clients who couldn’t understand why they kept meeting people who wanted to settle down… when their app profiles were filled with pictures of them with their nieces and nephews or doing domestic activities. If you’re giving more of that “looking for a cozy nesting partner” vibe in your profile when what you want is some hot, sweaty hook-up action, then we’ve identified your problem.
The same applies for meeting people in person, too. Bars and clubs are generally poor places to meet someone you’re looking forward to sitting next to at PTA meetings – it’s not impossible, but the deck is stacked against it. And if you’re going to the sexy hook-up bar dressed in what might be termed “smart casual”, you’re not as likely to get the same attention as your buddy in club gear… even if the outfit looks good on you. It may be a good look on you but it sends a message that’s contraindicated by the venue. You want to match the social context and make sure that your desires and your presentation aren’t incongruous.
Once you’re more clear on what you’re looking for, then it’s time to craft your message to the folks who are looking for the same thing. One of the classic mistakes people make when it comes to dating – especially on dating apps – is that they often focus on people who are looking for a date instead of people who are looking for them. While casting a wider net can bring in more potentials, quantity does not, in fact, have a quality of its own. In fact, quantity can be counterproductive when your goals are “meet someone I want in my life” and “not have to weed through dozens of bad matches in the process”.
On the dating apps, you want to think of your profile as two things: your advertisement and your filter. You want to make sure that the people who are looking for you can find you, and you want to make sure that the people who are moved to connect with you are the right people for you. This is why it’s important to make sure that your profile reflects both sides of that equation. Let’s say you’re someone who loves to make dad jokes and enjoys nothing more than the exasperated groan of a joke landing as intended. You want to actually demonstrate that in your profile – showing, via making silly jokes in your profile, rather than just telling. Anyone might say “yeah, ok I can rock with the bad pun thing”, but making those puns in your actual text will give a much better example of what you’re like.
The same goes for pictures. Your pictures should be telling a story about who you are, not necessarily just the ones at the most flattering angle with the best lighting. Yeah those are helpful for catching people’s attention, but showing your personality and who you are is going to be more important for keeping it.
Now, again: if you’re looking for more of a hook-up than a connection with potential, then leaning more on the “I’m sexy as fuck” side of things is a good call; pics that show your overall lifestyle are going to be less effective here. But if you’re looking for something quiet and domestic, then show yourself being quiet and domestic, mixed in with other aspects of your life that emphasize the age and lifestyle that you’d prefer to match with. Pics of you out with your crew, having a good time are going to send a better message that you may be looking for something committed, but you’re also out living life. Pics that emphasize being a homebody are more likely to attract folks whose wild days are behind them.
Now in person, that’s a little harder to swing… but harder isn’t the same as “impossible”. Much of it will be about looking in all the right places. If you’re looking for people your age, but you’re not into the bar or club scene – and your potential beaus aren’t as likely to be found there – then you’d do better to focus on social events that are focused on bringing the queer community together. There’re organizations, meetups, amateur sports teams and hobby groups specifically for queer men. They’re not singles events per se, any more than your local open-mic night or cooking class is a singles mixer, but spending time with people who share your interests is one of the most common ways we meet our partners.
Now, one thing that frequently gets forgotten in the mix is the call-to-action – the reminder to your potential match to actually take the next step. This is your hook, the thing that entices them to actually do the thing. A prompt that suggests the sort of opening message you’d like to receive – “If you’ve got a worse pun, I want to hear it”, “tell me about the best chill vacation spot you’ve been to” – makes it just a little easier for someone to pull the trigger and actually send a message that goes above and beyond “‘sup” or “wyd?” And people who actually use that prompt are folks who are demonstrating that they actually read your profile and are more likely to be a good match.
Just remember: part of what you want is to make sure that prompt aligns with your ultimate goals. If you’re looking for a potential relationship, then a prompt that’s more about brunch than the club with the best DJ will help filter out the wrong matches.
You can do something similar in person too – it’s just more conversational. A flirty “oh you think you could do better?” or talking about favorite restaurants, music venues or what-have-you can lead to a “Hey, we should go check that out” or possibly even a “you should take me to that” if you’re feeling especially forward or spicy.
Now with all of that having been said, I want to throw a slight curveball in the mix here. Sometimes, if you’re dealing with a dry spell and not finding folks who are right for you, then it may be worth changing what you’re looking for, if only for a little while… if that’s something you’re down with. If, for example, you would prefer a short or medium term relationship but you’re ok with a hook-up until it happens, then being willing to err on the side of hook-ups isn’t necessarily a bad thing. See, one of the mistakes people often make is that they think that there’s a binary in dating – the people you date and the people you bang, and never the twain shall meet. The idea that the way your relationship started restricts what it could be is short sighted at best and actively slut-shame-y at worst. Meeting at the church picnic isn’t a guarantee of long-term nuptial bliss any more than a sweaty club hook up means that’s all it will ever be. A lot of life-long, committed relationships started out as a one-night stand… it’s just that it lasted longer than that one night. The fact that you may have met in a place you’ll lie to your parents about later doesn’t preclude the possibility that your Prince Charming might’ve just been someone who looked damn good in tight pants.
And, to be fair, you’re more likely going to find takers your age for casual encounters than for something more serious. But if you’re cool with that and are open to the possibility of a casual relationship becoming less casual… well, it certainly won’t hurt. And you’ll still be having fun in the interim.
Good luck.
Dear Dr. NerdLove: You have been talking about limerence a lot lately, what exactly is the difference to infatuation, if there is any? And is a passing crush just liminal limerence? (You can steal that one)
Questions and And Answered
This is going to sound reductive, but the difference between limerence and infatuation? Pain.
No, seriously. Part of what makes limerence different from a crush or a temporary infatuation is the almost obsessive nature of it and the less-than-pleasant feelings that come with it.
Limerence is also marked by intrusive thoughts about the object of one’s affection – and not in that pleasant day-dreaming kind of way but more of the “my life won’t be complete if I’m not with them” sort of way. It’s more akin to when you get an obsessive attraction on someone you barely know or have only met once or twice and the idea that you may never be with them hurts.
Despite, y’know. Only seeing them once.
Interestingly, limerence and Oneitis tend to intertwine. While Oneitis often happens after a break up, there are plenty of people who develop cases of Oneitis for people who they only know casually or barely know at all. The person who’s dealing with limerence is often almost cripplingly shy around the limerent object and too and afraid of rejection to take action, for fear of having to give up the dream of them when faced with the reality that their affection is unrequited and not likely to change.
Think of it this way: infatuation is “oh man, Gisele’s smells really nice” and limerence is feeling melancholy or depressed because you can’t stop thinking about Gisele smells really nice and no other woman could possibly smell that good, but you’re probably never going to be the guy who gets to stand next to her, breathing her in.
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