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Doctor’s Note: The second letter in today’s column deals with descriptions of assault, forced sex acts and abusive behavior.
Dear Dr. NerdLove,
After being in a 2-month rebound relationship in 2021, I’ve learned that it has strongly and negatively affected how I view people fresh out of relationships, and has given me a unhealthy habit of assuming the worst out of people who are even friends with their exes (which I now think is totally ok, given the circumstances). This guy hard pursued me in the few weeks leading up to the start of the relationship, ultimately leading to his confession of still missing his ex, whom he was in a relationship with for 6 years. I backed out of the relationship, and proposed we remain friends. Although I laid down my boundary, the next time we hung out, he was acting like we were on a date – putting his hand on my waist repeatedly, flirting etc. After that, I knew we couldn’t be friends and ended things.
I am still ashamed and embarrassed that I let this short rebound affect my dating experiences today. In late 2022, I met another guy that I barely got to know because I ended things immediately after hearing he was good friends with his ex. Upon reflecting, I can now understand why that may be the case. He grew up without a father and lost his mother and grandmother at a very young age. Even then, it isn’t worth speculating when I should have asked him about his relationship with his ex. I should have been more communicative.
Fast forward to 2023 and I started online dating. I left the apps after 4 months, but remained in touch with a guy I never met in person. There was some hesitancy due to a 5 1/2-year age difference and being 2 hours away from each other. We texted very consistently and phone called, and while I’m not a huge texter and am skeptical of relationships forged online, I really enjoyed talking to this person and felt a connection. We finally met 4 months since we started talking, and since then have been seeing each other in our respective cities every 2-3 weeks. We talk on the phone often, and have made plans months from now.
So you may be wondering why I dumped a load of history in this letter, and how this may connect to the current situation. While things have been going well with this new person, I found out a month into seeing them that they got out of a 4 1/2-year relationship 6 months prior. He clarified saying that would mean we started talking around when they broke up. He said he was glad I brought up my concerns on this, and is happy to talk through things. But when I found out about his past, I felt like everything around me was crumbling. I immediately grew very anxious about the situation and his intentions. Sirens were blaring, and I felt like I had to immediately evacuate. He said that his ex was acting distant 6 months leading up to the breakup, and while he wanted to fix things, she didn’t and broke up with him. She used to live with him. His main friend group includes her, and so they have see each other every 1-2 weeks when the group hangs out. I didn’t see it as a good sign that he was still seeing his ex so soon after the end of the relationship. I told him that as much as I like him, I don’t think I can continue seeing him.
In the past, I’ve been afraid of being vulnerable but I told him how I truly felt. That like the classic Sherlock Holmes quote, the mind is an attic and if his ex still occupies a lot of space in his mind, I’m not sure if there is any room for me to be considered for something further down the road. That I don’t want to be a soothing balm for this. That I want to ultimately find someone I want to be in a committed relationship with, and that can be extremely hard with someone who can’t focus on dating new people. I told him about the brief rebound I was in and how I have a strong negative association with it as the relationship occurred during a difficult point in my life.
When I ended things, he got teary eyed, and I just immediately assumed it was because of his ex. It was hard seeing him emotional, he had never been that vulnerable around me. I also started tearing up. He said that he didn’t want things to end with me, and I immediately assumed that his claim is a just projection of how his last relationship ended, and not about me.
But after that, we never stopped talking even though I assumed we wouldn’t be talking much anymore. He texted me a lot over the holidays, and made a conscious effort to stay in touch. He even told me took the week off work, thinking we were going to spend that time together. He even made my favorite snack to bring to a New Year’s party that his ex was at, and said he was going to visit my city on his own to do some things he initially planned to do with me. Although very hesitant, I suggested we meet up one last time under the pretense that we go out on dates for a weekend filled with fun, in a setting where we aren’t both caught off guard. Of course we ended up talking more about his breakup. I am friends with my ex too, but it was a journey getting to that point. I wanted to be kind, but also get questions answered. This is a guy who lives 2 hours away from me, and I am afraid of investing in something that has no chance of growing. He said that he doesn’t think he will get back with his ex, even if she wanted to. He said they have fundamental issues that couldn’t be resolved. He also responded to my desire in dating someone that has processed his relationships, and he said he will always been reflecting on them so he knows what he can do better on. I think he initially thought I wasn’t going to budge of my stance to end things, because he started tearing up again. And again, I thought it must be because of his ex. I expressed that anxious thought and he said that it was because of me and the situation.
One of your posts about someone fearing if their new relationship post-break was a rebound struck a chord with me. I agree that you cannot slap a time on when someone will be ready to date after a breakup. Your thoughts on how rebound relationships have a bad name were insightful to me.
I am not fixed on the idea of this new thing I have with this guy to transform in to a committed relationship. I am willing to wait until I find that person I want to cultivate that with. Aside from my fears about this guy’s ex, I really want to get to know this guy more, but am also very scared. I know the situation isn’t ideal, but I also don’t want to do this guy the disservice of not giving a fair chance if it’s my fears are part of the problem. I just want that to know if you think I am projecting fears from past situations into this one? Or am I right to think maybe I should back out?
Thank you,
Lost, Anxious, and Confused
Alright, LAC, I don’t think this is about rebounds so much as it is about the feeling of confusion and rejection that first guy gave you. It sounds to me like you were really invested in him only to find out that he wasn’t nearly as invested in you – basically you saw him as a priority and he saw you as an option. His behavior made it feel like you were less a girlfriend and more of a consolation prize; yeah, he couldn’t have what he really wanted, but he could take the sting out of it with… well, you.
I get that. When you’re dealing with someone who isn’t reacting to you, so much as reacting to someone else and you just happen to be there it makes you feel like less of a person. Why are they projecting their issues on someone else onto you when you are clearly not the other person?
So – and you’re smart, so I’m sure you saw this question coming – why are you doing this to the other people you’re dating?
Here’s the thing: humans in general are good at pattern recognition – it’s something that we developed over the millennia of evolution because it keeps us safe. If you notice that Throg, Krunk and Morton all keeled over and died after eating berries off a particular bush, you’re gonna stop eating those berries and probably avoid berries that look like those.
The problem is that we’re so good at pattern recognition that we look for them everywhere and that means that sometimes we see them when they’re not actually there. Take pareidolia – seeing faces in things that clearly don’t have faces. We are primed to see faces because it’s been an important safety feature in our brains; we recognize other people and also see threats (is that a saber-tooth tiger in the brush?). But because we’re so keyed to see them, we see them everywhere if certain factors line up just so. But that doesn’t mean there’s actually a face.
Well, so it is with you and people who are on good terms with their exes or who are recently out of relationships; you’re keyed up to be on the look out because of a bad experience and that’s leading to potential false positives.
And I say potential because there’re more than a few times where you didn’t give them a chance to show whether or not this was going to be a problem. You bounced before the problem actually showed up, and it may well never have. And honestly, that is your prerogative. If you decide that you don’t want to date someone who’s friends with an ex or on good terms with them or who’s only recently single, that’s your call. I’m firmly of the opinion that you can end a relationship at any time for any reason.
But here’s the thing the fact that you can end it for any reason doesn’t always mean that the reasons are good ones. And it seems pretty clear to me and you that this choice isn’t making you happy. It sounds like you’re recognizing this is a knee-jerk response, not necessarily a rational or considered one… so maybe it’s time to start working towards reigning that rection in a little.
Part of it is recognizing that it’s important to meet people where they are, not necessarily where you think they should be. The time-elapsed-since-break-up and relationship-with-their-ex factors are good examples of this. For all the glib comments people make – and I freely admit I’ve made my share – about how long it takes to get over someone, there really is no objective length time after a break up that says someone is ready to date. Some people are good at processing. Some people realize that they weren’t as invested in the past relationship or were on the way out already when it ended. Some recognize that the relationship wasn’t good and have already learned the lessons they needed to be ready for their next one. Hell, some people are ready to start dating again before their current relationship has even ended because they were processing their feelings about that relationship and its ending while they were still in it.
The same goes for whether or not they’re still in contact with their ex and what sort of presence their ex has in their lives. Sometimes this is a matter of logistics – they work together, they’re in the same social circles or they’re both part a very small and interconnected community. Sometimes they have reasons to stay in contact – they co-parent their children or have shared custody arrangements of the dog or cat they got while they were together. In some cases, the economy and housing markets have meant that some couples are stuck living together even after a break up because there’s literally nowhere else for either of them to go. But sometimes it means that they mutually recognized that they’re better off as friends instead of lovers, or that while the romantic relationship didn’t work, they still have that core of mutual respect and affection for one another and that’s still important to them.
What’s important is recognizing that the superficial similarities – how long since the break up, the presence of an ex – tells you very little. What matters are the details – how they see that break up, what they understand their relationship with their ex to be and so on. Just because someone’s ex is still an important person in their life doesn’t mean that the ex is sucking up all the oxygen in the room and leaving none for a new partner, any more than having close friends doesn’t leave room for a romantic partner. The attic metaphor doesn’t really apply; it may be better to see it as “they didn’t need to evict the ex, just move them out of one room and into another”.
What happened with the first guy you mentioned wasn’t about rebounding so much as he hadn’t really sat and processed his break up. I know what that’s like; been there, done that, joined a weird, dysfunctional and frequently toxic community because of it. But his ex living rent free in his head wasn’t about her still being in his life in some way, it was about his not coming to terms with the relationship ending, not mourning the loss and moving on. That was a matter of him either trying to move on before he was ready or attempting to tread water until she was ready to come back to him. In an ideal world, he’d at least have been emotionally intelligent enough to either date casually – and be open that this was all it would be, while also choosing people who are also only looking for something casual – or stepping away from the dating scene until he worked through his shit. He didn’t, he caused unnecessary pain in the process, and that’s a real shame. But that was his damage. Pushing other people away for his sins, people who were dating in good faith, isn’t really fair to them or to you.
One thing I think will be important, irrespective of your long-distance-maybe, is to take some time to deal with the left over feelings about that first guy. It’s clear that’s a wound that’s never fully healed, and I think that should be your first priority. If you don’t address that, then it’s going to continue lingering over you like a nasty fart in a car. It seems pretty clear to me that you blame yourself more than you do him – you “should” have seen it, you “should” have known better, you “shouldn’t” have trusted him with your whole heart. But you can’t really be mad at yourself for getting stuck in a trap that was laid for you. You went into that relationship in good faith and he didn’t. Blaming the person who got lied to for believing the lie, rather than blaming the liar, is missing the forest for the trees.
Nor for that matter does it say anything about you or your worth or being deserving of love. His behavior was ultimately not about you but about him. Your crime – such as it was – in that case was loving not wisely but too well, and you should give yourself some grace for that.
Recognize that situation for what it was and remind yourself that you made the best decisions you could with the information you had at the time. Now you know better, so you’ll make different decisions in the future.
But part of making those different decisions is to make sure that the information you have now is accurate.
I’m a big believer in “deeds, not words”, especially when you’re ultimately reacting to something that someone else did, not what you’re experiencing in the here and now. So with your current beau, I think what you really want to do is take some (metaphorical and literal) deep, calming breaths and try to look at things as impartially and objectively as you can. In a world where you weren’t still feeling keyed up about that first ex, what do his actions tell you? If you can’t separate your feelings from his actions, it may help to have a friend with no skin in the game serve as a sounding board.
From what you’ve described here, it seems like he’s got his head on straight, he’s pretty open and aware of his relationship to his ex, he’s accepted the end of his relationship, he understands the why of it all, and he’s doing his best to deal with the (initial) awkwardness of trying to navigate his new relationship with his ex. All of that sounds to me like a dude who is actually pretty in touch with his emotions. While nothing is guaranteed, it sounds to me like giving things another try isn’t a bad idea at all.
And, incidentally, “nothing is guaranteed” applies to “this will end in heartbreak”, too. At the end of the day to love is to accept risk. Love, as the sage once said, isn’t brains, it’s blood screaming to work its will. No matter how much you try to guard yourself against mistakes, to intellectualize it or to try to minimize risk, to be in love and to be in a relationship is to take a leap of faith.
But the thing about leaps of faith is… sometimes you don’t fall. Sometimes, when you take that leap, you fly.
Good luck.
Dear Dr. NerdLove: I’ve been with my boyfriend 3 and a half years and sex has really changed this last year. He always wants oral first and sometimes this goes on a while, but I never get oral myself. Then it’s always doggie style never nothing else.
I think I’m bothered most about oral; he forces me down on him till I almost choke a lot. I have tried to talk to him but it never lasts. I have confided in couple friends even a male friend and I do know my boyfriend watches porn. And I been told that’s the problem. Sex used to be good but now many times I don’t even get off cause it hurts and sometimes I don’t think he even cares that I didn’t. I really need help. I know how much we love one another just don’t understand what changed.
Head Games
This is one of those times where the problem isn’t where people are laying the blame. I don’t think “where did he get the idea to start doing this” is really the issue at hand. Porn could well be the inspiration – God knows there’s a lot of moves people picked up from porn that shouldn’t be busted out on someone without warning – but it could just as easily be weird Andrew-Tate-ass dominance bullshit.
But even if it is from porn… well, the porn ain’t the problem. It may be the inspiration, but Johnny Sins didn’t reach out and poke your boyfriend in the brain and now he needs to make you choke on his dick. This is a series of choices your boyfriend has made and is continuing to make.
The problem is that your boyfriend a) is being a selfish dickface in bed, b) is making you choke and gag during oral, c) isn’t listening when you say it bothers you and d) HE’S CHOKING AND GAGGING YOU DURING SEX AND ISN’T LISTENING WHEN YOU SAY HE NEEDS TO STOP JESUS TAP DANCING FROG.
Why is he doing this? Fucked if I know and honestly, I don’t really care. Maybe he decided he’s into degradation or dominance play. Maybe he’s decided he’s not attracted to you any more so he feels free to do whatever he wants to get himself off, your needs (and feelings and comfort and safety) be damned. Maybe he thinks its extra super sexy and you’ll learn to get off on it like he does. Much like the source of his inspiration, the reasoning behind all that shit doesn’t matter.
What does matter is that it’s bothering you, you’ve told him it bothers you and he’s still doing it.
I don’t care how much you two love each other, that’s the sort of behavior that puts a relationship into a death spiral. Disrespect to the point of contempt and not treating your needs as important are relationship poison and it takes a lot to pull things back when it’s reached that level.
Now as much as I’m tempted to just say “throw the whole man away” and call it a day – and to be honest, I think that may still need to happen – if you honestly think there’s a chance to pull this out of the nosedive he’s put your relationship into, you need to have a full-bore come-to-Jesus talk with him. That means not just saying “hey, knock that off” while you two are banging; this means sitting him down at a time when you two are not going to be having sex and saying “we need to talk about this shit right now and why it needs to stop.”
This isn’t going to be your typical Awkward Conversation. This is going to be a “What The Actual Fuck?!” conversation, and that means the format is gonna be very different.
Start off with the facts: your sex life has become not just routine, but routine in a way that leaves you not just unsatisfied but also causes you physical discomfort. Not only is he giving you the sort of attention you want and need to get off, but what he is doing is actually hurting you; it isn’t the opposite of a turn-on so much as creating a singularity that’s so dense that neither light nor the possibility of arousal can escape. It’s created a wormhole through time and space that’s retroactively ruining the sex you had in the past.
Now, in a divergence from the Awkward Conversation flow chart, you want to ask him: “what is the point of this move? Do you honestly not see that I don’t enjoy this or appreciate it when you do it? Why do you think this is a good thing to do to me during sex, especially when you know I don’t like it? What exactly are we both supposed to be getting from this?”
Give him a little time to explain what he’s thinking. Then repeat – the sex isn’t good, the moves he’s busting out hurt you and when you’ve brought it up before, he goes right back to doing it again. Then you give him the ultimatum: he needs to stop doing this. There will be no sex if he continues to be a selfish dickhead and forcing rough sex on you that you don’t enjoy. Period, the end. If things follow the same routine and he gives a brief moment of seeming to have listened before going back to his old performance, then you NOPE out of sex the moment he starts forcing your head down. No questions, no continuing after he promises to stop, just full bore slamming on the breaks and saying “no, this isn’t happening, I told you that already, get the hell off me and get out of my apartment.”
What happens next is going to be the deciding factor as to whether you continue this relationship with him or not. If – and this is a mighty big if – realizes that this was serious and he fucked up and actually does the work of making things right and change his behavior… well, he’s on probation. He’s already shown a tendency to slip back to his old ways, so he needs to show that he’s not going to do that again.
But if he, for whatever reason, does not take your objections seriously or thinks that it’s OK to just ignore them and not make changes, then it’s time to drop him like an 8 AM art history lecture. No excuses, no more chances, no being “reasonable”; he collects his shit and goes and he can return any of the stuff you have to someone who will bring it to you.
The important takeaway here is that you always have the right and responsibility to advocate for your own needs – whether that’s something as seemingly minor as reciprocal oral sex or as serious as “stop forcing me to go down on you so hard that it triggers my gag reflex” – and your own safety. If a partner (either your current or any in the future) treat your needs as unimportant, unnecessary or something that only requires the barest of lip-service before returning to the behavior you asked him to change, then you’re fully within your rights to call him to the carpet and, if necessary, kick him to the curb with last week’s compost.
So if you honestly think there’s a real chance he’ll change his ways, if you honestly think that a very serious, very real conversation will make him realize he’s fucking up, then have that conversation with him. But be sure that you actually believe it will help things; it’s easy to let the sunk-cost fallacy convince you to give someone a chance when an objective look would tell you that this relationship is already dead and what you’re seeing are the post-mortem reflexes, not signs of life.
But if not? Do yourself a favor and skip to the end that we’re all pretty sure is coming. You deserve better than that.
Good luck.
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