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Chemistry.
There’s no feeling like it.
Your eyes meet, your hands touch, and you’re suddenly consumed with a new partner.
You live for the present, you dream of a future, and your heart outraces your head.
All you know is that you wouldn’t trade this feeling for anything in the world. If this is how strongly you can feel, why ever settle for anything less?
Then it happens.
You start to fight.
You learn he’s jealous, or controlling, or irresponsible, or unethical.
He starts to pull away.
You begin to walk on eggshells.
You don’t know where you stand.
You crave the pure feeling you had before, but you spend more time worrying than feeling peaceful about your relationship.
And then it ends.
He tells you he needs space.
He tells you he wants to see other people.
He tells you it’s not right.
Or, who knows, maybe he doesn’t tell you at all. Maybe he just fades away.
All you know is that you let him into your heart and fell in love.
Or did you?
I mean, yeah, you loved him — intensely, unconditionally, with all of your being.
And yeah, he said he loved you — and, for a time, you never felt more connected to another human being.
But does this really meet the test of true love?
Not by my standards. And probably not by yours.
Love doesn’t flee. Love isn’t jealous. Love doesn’t cheat. Love isn’t cruel. Love doesn’t make you feel bad about yourself, or insecure about your future.
Love endures.
What you’ll notice is that when you’re incredibly attracted to someone, all of your critical thinking powers immediately go out the window.
When we talk about being “in love”, we’re often talking about a feeling, as opposed to the enduring bond experienced between two people for a long period of time.
Even Wikipedia backs this up:
“Lust is the initial passionate sexual desire that promotes mating, and involves the increased release of chemicals such as testosterone and estrogen. These effects rarely last more than a few weeks or months.”
You’ve probably experienced this.
“Recent studies in neuroscience have indicated that as people fall in love, the brain consistently releases a certain set of chemicals…which act in a manner similar to amphetamines, stimulating the brain’s pleasure center and leading to side effects such as increased heart rate, loss of appetite and sleep, and an intense feeling of excitement. Research has indicated that this stage generally lasts from one and a half to three years.”
You’ve probably experienced this, too.
“Since the lust and attraction stages are both considered temporary, a third stage is needed to account for long-term relationships. Attachment is the bonding that promotes relationships lasting for many years and even decades. Attachment is generally based on commitments such as marriage and children, or on mutual friendship based on things like shared interests.”
You’ve probably realized this, as nearly all of your lust and attraction has NOT resulted in stable, happy, long-term relationships.
The reason I’m sharing this with you is not to convince you that you’ve never truly been in love (although it’s possible). What I’d like you to consider is that the EFFECTS of lust and attraction have been HURTING your chances of finding love.
What you’ll notice is that when you’re incredibly attracted to someone, all of your critical thinking powers immediately go out the window.
This is why you’ll put up with a man who only calls you once a week, a man who doesn’t call you his girlfriend after three months, a man who doesn’t propose after three years.
If you want to find love — a love that endures — you have to find a new way than the one you’ve been using for your whole life. Start by distinguishing between chemistry and love, and you’re on your way.
If you were thinking critically, you’d never put up with this, but you’re not. You’re under the biological effects of lust and attraction — hereby known as “chemistry”.
And all I’m pointing out is that while chemistry is an incredible feeling, it is in no way a solid predictor of your future. It’s literally just a feeling. A feeling that masks your partner’s worst traits and allows you to put up with them.
So instead of chasing chemistry at a cost to your own mental health, take a second to realize that if you feel that high feeling, you are likely ignoring something fundamental which will later break you up.
You don’t have to trust me. Just look back on the greatest chemistry you’ve ever felt and think about how those relationships ended. Ask yourself if you want to be in another relationship where you’re always fighting and you never feel secure in your future.
I’m guessing you don’t.
If you want to find love — a love that endures — you have to find a new way than the one you’ve been using for your whole life.
Start by distinguishing between chemistry and love, and you’re on your way.
P.S. Here’s what it looks like when you can do this yourself:
I felt so obsessed with this guy simply because he had lavished me with tons of attention, he was hot… has his act together and I was in the throes of obsession land; mainly because he was pulling back a bit, and I was feeling “not good enough”.
Instead of obsessing about how I’m not going to be good enough… I started thinking… “Y’know… I’m not sure I’m ready to accept a potential relationship where I might be walking on eggshells”
And I woke up feeling so FREEEEEE and in CONTROL. OMFG! I’ve never EVER turned around obsessive thoughts about a man into a feeling of control. Now, I have fallen for Mr. Passionate-moves-too-fast guy at least 3 or 4 times in the online dating world HOOK, LINE AND SINKER, so I recognize this in myself… and I recognize there is a certain type of guy that I attract that likes to move at lightning speed and THAT MEANS NOTHING as far as the big picture…
Evan… you’ve really changed my life. I just can’t think of a bigger gift than having control over my emotions when it comes to dating. NOTHING. No amount of money… no amount of success would have been able to give me this. This is almost BETTER than finding Mr. Right… just knowing I now have a monetary amount of control over something that I felt so powerless over for so many years.
THANK YOU EVAN! You have completely changed my life… probably more than any one person ever has!
Melissa
Melissa’s a private client. You can be, too. Just click here to learn more about my custom coaching packages and find a new path to love.
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