Is It OK For Me To Dump My Boyfriend Over Sex?

Estimated reading time: 14 minutes

Doctor’s Note:  Today’s column includes discussion of self-harm and suicidal ideation. 

Dear Dr. NerdLove, is it wrong to break up my boyfriend after finding out he doesn’t like giving head? And also am I crazy for wanting to move in with him? A little backstory:

We’ve been dating for 3 months and this is both of our first long term relationship. Before him I was very sexually active and I’m comfortable talking and having sex and he isn’t. Before me he’s only had sex with 1 other girl and he’s also 22 and I’m 20. We’re both in college and it’s time to start planning on where you want to live for next year & I want to move in with him because I love him and it’s cheaper, but everyone is saying I’m crazy especially for staying with a guy who hasn’t given me head.

I spoke to him about it and he said he’s willing to learn and start doing it for me but I guess everyone’s words stuck to me. Yet again it’s my relationship not theirs. Everyone is saying I’m rushing towards it and I should think twice before moving in with him. But I feel ready & we talked about it I also have never met anyone like him, I love him, I just wish the sex was better sometimes and that he gave me head and if he said he’s willing to work on it, isn’t that something?

Or is it better that I give up and break up with him.

Head Strong

I think you’re missing what you’re friends are trying to tell you by a wide margin.

Ok, let’s start with the obvious, HS: you can break up with a partner (whether this guy or any future partners) for pretty much any reason at all. Don’t like the way his nose whistles when he breathes? You can break up with him over that. Don’t like the way the part in his hair is so straight that it’s writing Ed Shereen songs? You can dump him for that.

So yes, you can break up with him over the fact that thus far, he doesn’t like going down on you. If that’s something you need from a sex partner, then that’s something you need and anyone who won’t provide that is someone you can safely drop from your social calendar. 

Now that having been said: there’s a difference between “won’t” and “isn’t crazy about it”. You can dump him right the hell now if you so choose, but I think that might be jumping the gun. If he’s willing to give it the ol’ college try for you and is willing to add it to his regular repertoire because it’s important to you? I think that it’s worth giving him a chance to, er, put his money where his mouth is. Or isn’t, as it were.

Now someone get out their phone and dial 1-900-Mixx-A-Lot because there’s one giant “but” coming…

BUT.

You really need to slow your roll on basically everything right now because HOLY SHIT you’re bouncing all over the place like a meth-addicted pinball. In the span of a paragraph, the sex is mediocre but he’s the love of your life and you’re going to move in with him but also you’re willing to dump him because your friends said so and honestly, I’m just exhausted trying to keep up with your train of thought here.

We’ll go with the part you don’t want to hear: I really don’t think you’re in love with this guy. ODing on the New Relationship Energy, absolutely. But I don’t think this is love and you definitely don’t want to move in with him.

Look, I get it. You’re 20. You’re in college. It’s probably your first true taste of independence. You’re having all sorts of new incredible experiences, you’ve got this guy you’re really digging… but a) you’re 20 and b) you’ve been dating for three months. At three months, you do not know this dude, and he doesn’t know you. You are seeing New Relationship Guy, when he may as well be working on his Oscar acceptance speech because he’s giving you a performance of the kind of guy he wants you to see. And you are doing the same for him.

It’s not that you and he are being deceitful, it’s that at this stage, you’re still giving 110% at trying to be the ultimate version of yourselves, because this is all new and fresh and exciting, and everything down to the way he chews his food is wonderful and it feels like you can keep this up forever. But while all of this is exciting and it’s fun, there’s still so much that you two don’t know about each other, or even about yourselves when you’re with one another. You don’t know each others’ incredibly annoying habits or peccadilloes, you haven’t had days where you both look like you got run over by the ugly truck because you’ve both got the same bug going around and you feel like you’re 80% snot and gastric distress by volume. Nor have you had serious fights – not disagreeing about whose turn it is to pick something on Netflix – but the real shit, the deep, core values or having serious conflicts, where you actually get seriously upset at each other.

Hell, I’m not entirely sure if you’ve reached the stage where you’ve actually farted in front of this dude, and you’re still working on whether he’s going to be giving you head or not and if he’s any good at it.  

My point is that this is not the period where you should be making plans to move in together, because you don’t know the important shit about one another. You’re thinking about it being cheaper and being with your snugglebunny 24/7 and how romantic it will all be, but you haven’t seen so much as “can he remember to take the trash out and separate out the recycling”. Or how he behaves when things go wrong and he’s seriously inconvenienced. Or what happens if one of you can’t make rent this month. Or…

Here’s the thing: moving in together is a very significant step in a relationship. But you don’t know anything about what living with this dude would be like. You don’t seem to have so much as had a long weekend together, and you’re half-ready to kick him to the curb.

Call me crazy, but that doesn’t seem like the strongest basis for shacking up with someone.

More seriously: living with people takes a lot of adjustment and some very significant concessions, even with people you’re generally compatible with. I’ve seen decades long friendships end because they tried being roommates and discovered what it was like when they couldn’t get away from all the little things that annoyed them about the other person. And trust me: he’s got little things that annoy you and vice versa.

So do yourself a favor here: let’s take about 20% off the love talk and put off moving in with him for at least a year. For now, why not focus more on the fact that the sex isn’t great and work on that. Because trust me: if the sex ain’t working, the rest won’t either.

Let the dude work on his head game. If he gets that to a satisfactory level… maybe look into taking a vacation first and see how that goes. If you can make it through, say, trying to get a connection out of DFW or O’Hare without murdering each other, you might – and I stress might – be able to survive living together.

Good luck.

Dear Doctor NerdLove,

I’m that guy from “I Hate Being Lonely, But I Hate Making Friends Even More”. I’m here for follow-up advice. I added all my mental health problems just for context – It’s fine if you’re not qualified to answer all of my questions.

November was one long-ass nervous breakdown for me. I was in this club where we had to stay for hours after school, leaving no time for homework (I joined to make friends but I refused to speak half the time). Reluctance to socialize + pre-existing neuroticism + lack of time management, sleep, and anorexia + doing NOTHING to fix these problems = lonely feelings and a ton of stress. Basically I caused my own nervous breakdown and absolved myself of any responsibility for my emotions. I’ve done some shit I never thought I’d do just because I totally refused to take care of myself because I already got over my FIRST nervous breakdown (three miserable middle school years) and I thought I was cured forever.

So I spent a whole month crying publicly, hallucinating, dissociating, and fighting with my parents (who were genuinely scared for me – ouch). I pushed away all help and destroyed the few friendships I had. I also almost killed myself, fortunately I never had the time. Literally nobody in my life knows about my suicidal thoughts, but they’re there. I’m just not dead because the idea of surviving and having a lifelong injury from it is much worse.

I’M NOT DOING THAT SHIT ANYMORE. It sucked. I wanna take responsibility now and talk about all the bullshit I didn’t. My stupid club is over, so I’m gonna be more purposeful with any socializing I choose to do and not ghost any potential friends (plus I’m dialing way back on activities in general cuz I almost overbooked to death). There are a few people I wanna be friends with but I’m gonna reach out to them directly. Group dynamics scare me cause I was never in a friend group, but I’d like to try to get included in a group anyway someday. I’m still skipping meals sometimes but I’m fixing my grades and sleep schedule now. I went back to journaling and I realized how bad my self-sabotage is. I’m on a group therapy waitlist but it won’t happen for another month at least which sucks. I’m still mentally ill and weird but I got my optimism back. Also I’m trying to be myself while not being a total dick. Before my breakdown I was shy and timid. Then during the breakdown I was shy and an asshole. I’m gonna be “myself” because people didn’t like me when I was withdrawn, and people didn’t like being my personal vent bag, so now I try to toe the line and be respectful of other’s feelings, while thinking of my own comfort. I’ve allowed myself to swear and be more direct, but I make sure I only swear when its appropriate (with many slip-ups but we’ll work on it) and don’t be so direct that it’s hurtful.

Also I’m not aro. Figured it out – I wanna date but I’m scared and confused about it. What I’m uncertain about NOW is if I’m trans or not, but my parents are transphobes. I tried to get them to buy me a binder and they reacted poorly, so I went back into the closet. And apparently narcissists don’t self-reflect, so I guess I’m fine there (for now…)

Real questions (they are kinda vague so you don’t have to answer all of them):

– What do I do in the meantime for therapy? I’ve still got school but more free time since my club isn’t meeting as much

– What do I do when I get to group therapy? It’ll be teen girls and a therapist but I might be a trans man and idk what to do. I wanna talk to them about it but I’m scared. What questions might I ask? What should I work on other than trans stuff?

– How should I go about being social again? Specifically, how do I get into a friend group? I wanted to do it in my club because everyone there is friends, but you know what happened already

– How do I learn to date people? Idk if my mental health is bad, I feel like trying

– How do I come out as trans (or at least figure out if I’m butch/enby/whatever)? I already dress like a dude and drop trans hints to my parents but everyone calls me a woman (lame). I wanna figure it out before college so I can change my name

– How do I deal with my self sabotage? I filled TEN FUCKING JOURNAL PAGES with all the ways I self sabotage. Biggest ones so far are avoidance, not taking responsibility, procrastination, and lack of emotional regulation

– Am I getting ahead of myself? I wanna fix everything but I still haven’t even made it to therapy

Also thanks for giving some honest and clear advice when I needed it. Respect.

Still Don’t Know What I Want

I’m very glad things are going better for you, SDNWIW. You’ve been dealing with a lot of shit and clearly it’s put you in a bad place. So congratulations on holding on and being able to start pulling yourself out of the hole. That’s awesome.

Now, you’ve got a lot of concerns right now and a lot of things you are trying to focus on. I’ll tackle the last question first: yes, you’re trying to do too much at once. I love the energy and enthusiasm, but this sounds like the pendulum swung the other way, hard.

Leaving aside whether this is a cycle and you may swing back to depression, you have more potential irons in the fire than you have time or the bandwidth to manage. As any devoted Forged in Fire fan can tell you: leave those irons in the fire too long and you burn your steel, making it brittle and prone to shatter. So maybe pull a few back and figure what you actually can handle for the moment.

What you need to do right now is triage – that is, focus on the things that need to be addressed right now because if you don’t shit goes very, very wrong. So one thing I would suggest is that you start making a list of short term, medium term and long-term goals, and assign those goals by necessity. Getting in therapy and working on your issues should be top priority. Dealing with your tendency towards self-sabotage, for example, should probably be a higher priority than dating. The same goes for making friends; making friends and maintaining friendships involves the same skills as dating, just with different end states; putting “have a stable and supportive friends group” above dating is not just sensible but it makes the rest much easier.

Now, figuring out your gender and/or coming out as trans… that part gets complicated. I’m a cis man and I’m not exactly the best or most qualified to help when it comes to issues surrounding around understanding your gender and your relationship to it.

Personally, I think trying to figure out your relationship to your gender in ways that are safe and that you can accomplish without needing your parents involvement will be helpful. Any suggestions I have are more speculative and should be taken with ample skepticism and an abundance of caution that you don’t end up making things worse for yourself, especially if you’re living some place where it’s actively dangerous to be an out, queer teenager.

One thing that you should do is to start looking into resources for young, trans and genderfluid kids. Sites like Scarleteen and the Trans Youth Equality Foundation, even Teen Vogue are some good starting points. You might also find some of the subreddits like r/FTM to be helpful, especially if there aren’t many out trans people in your area. Talking with other trans people who’ve been where you are will be helpful. There’re folks who’ve gone through what you’re experiencing and they can walk you through some of the tips, tricks, cautionary tales and potential pitfalls that I as a cis dude would never think of. You might also want to check out The Queer and Trans Resilience Workbook, which can be useful when your parents are being less than supportive.

(Side note: it sucks that your parents wouldn’t get you a binder but please don’t DIY a binder by using ace bandages or whatnot; that’s a very good way to potentially seriously injure yourself. Gender Gear Guides and other sites have a lot of helpful information on this topic.)

I’d also love for my LGBTQ readers to chime in with their advice and resources in the comments. 

Now as for dealing with group therapy and therapy in general… well, honestly, I’d start by talking to the therapist about your concerns. They’re much better positioned to help you figure out how best to address these potential conflicts, especially if you’re worried about being a trans guy in a room full of cis women working on their issues.

I think it would also be helpful to be getting some one-on-one therapy as well, ideally with a therapist who’s familiar with trans and LGBTQ issues. I realize this can be difficult, especially if you have to finance some of this on your own. Captain Awkward has some excellent posts about finding free or cheap mental health resources, and I highly suggest you check them out.

You might also want to look into some self-directed cognitive behavioral therapy exercises, like at MoodGym or elsewhere. These can often be useful for not just identifying triggers but figuring out how to work with and around them.

Now as for everything else? Take things slowly and methodically. It’s great that you want to get everything done, but this is very much a time when slow and steady is going to work a lot better for you. You’re being pulled in a dozen different directions and you can’t go in all of them or devote the time needed to them all. So start with focusing on your mental and emotional health and don’t rush the rest. Remember: slow is smooth and smooth is fast. Taking things slowly gives you time to get comfortable with yourself, to address the things that’ve been affecting you and to gently move toward where you’ll want to be.

Trust me I understand wanting to make up for lost time or trying to fix everything all at once. Take your time, focus on yourself and let the rest wait until you’re ready. I know it doesn’t feel like it but I promise: you have time. You’ve come this far already and that’s amazing. Let’s keep that progress going.

You’ve got this.

All will be well.