Discover how to understand men and their mixed signals which can be confusing. Texting, canceling, cooking you dinner, what does it all mean?
What Do His Mixed Signals Mean?
“Hi Ronnie Love & Dating Coach for Women,
I need some help to understand men. Two months ago I was in another town on business. When I got to my hotel that night a guy I went to High School with had messaged me on Facebook saying he thought he had seen me in his town and had I been there? I told him I had. We exchanged a few short messages, then he asked me to dinner. I told him I was leaving town the next day. He said to let him know the next time I was in town and we could “grab a bite to eat.”
Three weeks later I let him know I would be in town the next day. He said that unfortunately he was busy and he couldn’t make it. But when I pulled into town the next day he texted me and asked me to lunch. We met for an hour. We haven’t seen each other in 20 years. He’s 40. I’m 39.
He Didn’t Make Future Plans
We left the lunch with no future plan. I was a bit confused as to whether it was a date or not. A few hours later I texted him to say it was great seeing him. He said he loved chatting and “let’s do it again sometime.” Honestly, I don’t understand men.
So, a few weeks later I let him know I’d be in town in a few days and asked if he wanted to get together. He invited me to his house for dinner. He’s a trustworthy guy so I accepted. Still couldn’t tell if it was a date.
The night before he called to cancel because he had to work. But he said we needed to get together the next time I was in town. I wondered if that was a way of him deciding he wasn’t into me.
I gave it one more shot, texting him the other day that I’d be in town again and would he let me treat him to dinner? He accepted, but today he texted and asked, if it’s it okay for him to cook me dinner at his place.
I can’t figure this out. Is this guy trying to pursue me or is this just a friend hosting a friend when I’m out of town on business? I’m totally into him. He’s very grounded and a kind person. I want him to like me. I just can’t tell if he likes me as a date or as a friend.
Ronnie, please advise me what to do!
Help With His Mixed Signals
Dear Wanting Him,
Being a dating expert, here’s what I understand about men. When a man cooks you dinner, in his mind, sex with you is for dessert. This happened to me more than once when I was dating. And I continue to see it with many of my clients.
Making you dinner is not about friendship, but it’s not about a relationship either. Don’t have dinner at his house unless you plan on sleeping with him. Even though you know him, I strongly advise that you keep your get togethers in public, so you don’t end up heartbroken.
As a love and dating coach for 20 years, I’ve observed plenty of male behavior to understand men and their mixed signals, games and nuances.
Unfortunately, you have put yourself in a difficult position because you keep communicating first, letting him know when you’re in town. In a relationship where a man is genuinely interested, you would not have to do this.
My best dating advice is that your high school buddy is hoping to get lucky.
5 Insights on His True Intentions
1. If he kept in touch between visits, he’d know when you were coming to town and could pursue you. Since he is not doing that, he is NOT pursuing you. In fact, you are doing his job for him by texting and initialing dates.
2. Cancelling plans does happen on occasion. But, he could be seeing other women which causes him to cancel. His excuses about work could be true, but I doubt it. It’s just so typical of the excuses I hear.
3. Another clue he’s not pursuing you is how after he left you with the vague closing, “Let’s do it again sometime.” That’s not the sign of a man pursuing you. To be clear about how to understand men, an interested guy would say, “Let’s do it again; when will you be back in town?”
4. Preferring to make dinner at his place does more to ensure he can make a move on you then anything else. It’s a proven strategy for men to get a woman into bed. If you’re willing to go to his house, that gives him the impression he can maneuver the rest.
5. Texting and Facebook are supplementary methods of communication, not the primary choice of a man with genuine interest. And, he’s not trying to reconnect and get to know who you are now. So while it seems like he is sending mixed signals now you have a good idea of how to understand men.
Here’s more on men who are inconsistent in their pursuit.
When A Guy Confuses You, That Tells You Something Right There
This is why you feel he’s sending mixed signals. He’s not being clear because he knows you want more than he’s willing to give. But he can’t say that since he has his own agenda (hoping to hop in the sack with you).
However, he’s not putting in any effort into winning you over. That’s why you can’t tell if this is a date or friendship. And it’s also a signal he’s not serious about you.
You want a relationship that hopefully builds to lasting love. That’s the Real Deal. However, when a man behaves like this, he actually is being very CLEAR. He’s demonstrating that he’s not into you enough to pursue you, but happy to sleep with you if you make it easy.
The way to understand men and what is really going on is actually more simple than you might think.
How to Respond to Mixed Signals
Sometimes women think talking to a guy to understand what he’s thinking will help and change everything. They imagine how having a direct, open and honest conversation will automatically clear things up. Unfortunately, this is not true.
The reason this doesn’t work is that men might not want to have an open, honest conversation. And they definitely don’t like confrontation, particularly during the initial stages of dating.
Another point to keep in mind is that some men don’t know what they want. Others just want to sleep with you, but aren’t about to say that to make themselves transparent. That’s why there are often so many mixed signals.
For these reasons, my dating advice is to stop texting and letting him know when you will be around. Don’t initiate any contact and leave the ball in his court. If this high school buddy seriously wants to see you, he knows what to do. And if not, you’ll be completely clear about his intentions.
Pulling away is often the only way to know how important you are to a man during the early stages of dating.
If you want more expert dating advice on understanding mixed signals, download my free book His Mixed Signals Are So Confusing