My Boyfriend Doesn’t Want to Get Married and I’m Freaking Out!

Estimated reading time: 17 minutes

Dear Dr. NerdLove:

I’ve been in the best relationship of my life for the past three years. I’m 26, my boyfriend is 28. We both would like marriage and kids in our futures and we’ve both been clear about that early on.

I’m realizing that his timeline is a lot different than mine. I would’ve liked to get engaged last year, he’s in no rush and would like to live together for a few years. I’m not comfortable with that because I know as time goes on I’m just going to get sadder and sadder about not being married. I’m more traditional. I feel like he wants me to pass all these tests before getting engaged and that’s not how I think it should be. I wish he were head over heels excited to marry me.

I love this man and I already know I want to marry him. And he’s told me he knows he wants to marry me. But I can’t help but take offense to his timeline. To me, his actions speak louder than words. He’s also still living at home and wants to live on his own for a little first. More time I have to wait… great.

I always thought if a guy is dragging his feet, it means he isn’t sure about the girl. Every time friends get engaged I feel sick. I want to puke. I worry it’s not going to happen for me. It’s not fair wanting this so bad and having to watch other people get it. I hate going to weddings. I hate talking about weddings. Married friends and family shame me for not being engaged yet and it makes me hate seeing my family. All I’ve ever wanted in life is to be a wife and a mom. That is more important to me than anything else. I worry he’s stringing me along because he isn’t sure about me to the point. I get physically ill and I resent him sometimes. If he’s not ready now, what if he never is and I don’t get to have the family of my dreams?

I have been seriously hurt several times in my 20s not only romantically. I’ve been blindsided by boyfriends, jobs, friends, etc. which has turned me into an anxious person that I didn’t use to be. This may be playing a huge role into what I’m feeling.

I wanted to be married by 30, because I want time before having kids, yet I don’t want to be an older parent. So I absolutely hate how he’s in no rush. I’ve tried to explain this to him and I think the conversations have made him understand where I’m coming from.

Basically, I need advice on how to feel better. I’ve also wondered if maybe I’m someone who can’t be with someone like this. I’ve been feeling this way for the past year. It makes me feel insecure, left out, resentful, and scared for my future. I am in the best relationship of my life, but marriage and a family is so important to me that I am clearly so distressed about this. I don’t want to leave him, but how do I be strong, patient, and supportive while waiting?

Always A Bridesmaid

I’m not sure this is a problem so much as three or four anxieties in a trench coat, AAB. There are two things that are worth looking at that will help zero in on where the real issue is.

The first is your boyfriend. Based on what you’ve said, it sounds like the only thing that’s really causing problems is that you want to get married sooner than he does. If I understand things correctly, he’s not holding you at arm’s length, he’s not making vague promises to put you off, acting shady or otherwise doing things that would make it seem like he doesn’t want to be in this relationship; he just doesn’t want to get married as quickly as you do.

So, to be clear: this is a conflict and it’s one that’s worth going over. However, I don’t think this is as serious an indicator of his not being in love with you or ‘heads over heels’. And if I’m being honest… as thrilling as the NRE stage of relationships can be, it’s a very poor place to make decisions from. Marriage is a pretty significant step, legally, socially and financially, and it’s not easily undone. So I’ve got a fair amount of sympathy for folks who want to take things at a more measured pace.

Similarly, I can understand his desire to live on his own – especially if he’s only ever lived with his parents. I don’t think it’s unreasonable for someone to want to experience living on their own before just moving from one group living situation to another.

Now, as far as this aspect goes, I think part of the problem is that there’s a lot of speculating and guessing going on and not a lot of actual discussion. You say that you feel like he wants you to pass these tests… but you don’t say what those tests are, or whether you’ve actually talked to him about this.

So I think the first thing you should do is make sure that you and your boyfriend are actually speaking the same language when it comes to this conflict. To mangle a popular tweet, it doesn’t do any good if you’re saying “I would like pancakes for breakfast” and he hears “I hate waffles”. So making sure that you two understand what the other is saying is key.

I would recommend that you and he have an Awkward Conversation about this. Make an actual appointment to sit down together and talk this out – carve out that time so that you know there won’t be any interruptions or calendar conflicts that get in the way and you can give your full attention to the issue. Then follow the Awkward Conversation formula: you explain the situation as you see it, what you’re feeling, why it’s bothering you, what you think the solution would be and how you think those changes would improve things. Then let him share his side – what he thinks the situation is, how he’s feeling and how he would resolve things and why he thinks that would make a difference.

In both cases – make sure that you hold your questions until the other person is done making their case; you both want to say what you have to say without being interrupted or being sidetracked.

The more you two can ensure that you’re actually on the same page and using the same definitions and meaning, the easier it’ll be to see if this is an actual conflict or if it’s a misunderstanding.

But I think the other thing to pay attention to is where these feelings are coming from. You mention that you’re already an anxious person, and it seems like your anxieties are getting a lot of reinforcement from outside sources. Some of it seems almost malicious – friends and family members apparently shaming you for not being engaged yet? If that’s what they’re actually doing, that’s really not cool and you need to say so to them. Literally tell them “I don’t appreciate your saying that to me and I’m not going to sit here and listen to your insulting my relationship like this. You’re welcome to your opinion, but I find what you’re doing stressful and unhelpful, so please keep it to yourself.”

I think it is also worth interrogating what your anxieties actually are – is it feeling unsure of how your boyfriend feels about you? Or is it more about the status of “marriage” and the label on your relationship? Do you feel like “marriage” gives the relationship more legitimacy, somehow? Do you feel that marriage might preserve the relationship in a way that being unmarried but otherwise committed in all the ways that matter wouldn’t? And if so… why and how?

At the same time, it may be worth considering some of what you’re seeing as a problem and asking if it’s really the problem you think it is. For example: you mention that you want time before you have kids. That’s understandable. But if you and your boyfriend are committed to each other and you both are sincere about getting married and having kids… why wouldn’t that time before having children not include the time you’re spending now? Why would the clock only start after the wedding?

It also may be worth asking which is more important: the goal of getting married and having kids before X date (being 30 in this case) or having a family with this man, specifically. What would be different if the label on your relationship were different. Since you see an interim between being married and having children, what would be the difference if you were married vs. your current status?  

Here’s the thing: sometimes when we get caught up in a particular goal or dream, we often end up holding onto the dream without actually questioning or examining how our lives have changed or how our needs have changed. The dream itself becomes more important and having it exactly as we picture it can end up superseding what the dream represents. If marriage and kids is about a life with someone you love and building a family together, then making sure that everyone is ready feels secure should theoretically be more important than trying to beat the clock. If you’re trying to beat the clock, you often end up making mistakes or missing important steps because the timeline becomes more important than the actual relationship. Especially when it’s ultimately an arbitrary goal.

This goes double when you see other people getting engaged or married. In some ways, it feels like you see yourself being in competition with them somehow, as though their getting engaged means that they’ve out-competed you in some way. But their relationships are entirely different from yours – different people, different goals, different experiences and different timelines. Why should what they do or when they do it have any effect on you when what they have is entirely separate from your life?

Now, you mention that you’ve had multiple negative experiences that’ve made you an anxious person. Have you been talking to someone about this? Have you been going to therapy to learn how to manage your anxieties? If you’re having anxiety attacks so intense that you’re becoming physically ill, have you looked into anti-anxiety medication to at least manage the physical effects? That may help free up enough emotional bandwidth that these anxieties don’t feel so crippling or all-encompassing.

For that matter: have you asked your boyfriend about the possibility of talking to a couple’s counselor to help facilitate the conversations about marriage and commitment? Having a neutral third party to help you both be heard and understood, as well as help you find a path through the conflict could be huge for this.

Now, aside from couple’s counseling and the Awkward Conversation, maybe there could be a compromise. You might, for example, decide to get engaged, but you both agree that it’s going to be a long engagement, without a rush to the altar. Having the status of fiancée might, at the very least, reassure you about his commitment to you and his love for you, while taking away the pressure to get married.

With all that having been said: everyone gets to decide what’s important to them and to establish what is a priority and what is less of one. If being married and having kids before 30 is a priority for you above all else, that’s legitimate. But it would likely mean that you would have to let go of this relationship and look for someone else. That’s not a judgement, that’s just fact. It is also a fact that leaving him to find someone who’s on the same timeline as you is going to have an opportunity cost; it will take time not just to meet someone, but to form a connection that turns to love, love that turns to commitment, engagement, marriage, etc. That, in turn, would increase the time pressure to beat the clock.

To be clear: I’m not saying “you should stay with your boyfriend and stick to his timeline”. I’m saying that it’s important to consider everything – what you might have to give up to get this other thing you want and whether reaching that goal is going to be worth the cost. Because there will be a cost, no matter which way you decide; nobody gets everything they want. They decide that what they do get is so amazing that they’re willing to let go of the rest because it is ultimately not important. Again: that’s just life.

So, tl;dr: talk things out with your boyfriend first and make sure you’re on the same page. If you’re unsure about having this conversation by yourself or both of you feel like the other still isn’t hearing or understanding one another, consider couple’s counseling. There may be compromises that can work for the both of you.

Meanwhile, tell your friends and family to knock it the fuck off with the shaming about your relationship, consider talking to a counselor or doctor about your anxieties and ask yourself what is ultimately your top priority – a life with this specific man, or a life on the timeline you currently want. Understanding this is going to make all the difference.

Good luck.

Dear Dr. NerdLove, 

I’m knee-deep in a complex situation with my current relationship and could really use your perspective on it.

I’ve recently started dating this amazing girl, E, and things are going really well between us. It’s early days, I know, but so far and I understand about NRE, but I feel pretty confident in saying this is a relationship with legs. We are on the same page about all the important things, we’re cool with the areas where we disagree and we’re both pretty committed to seeing where things are going but not rushing things. The catch is that she’s actually the ex-girlfriend of one of my buddies, J.

At the beginning, we tried to keep it on the down-low, you know, to avoid any unnecessary drama. But as feelings deepened and we couldn’t resist spending more time together, it became pretty obvious to our friend group that something was going on. And now, things are getting a bit, well, complicated.

Our friends aren’t thrilled about it. At first I thought it was my imagination, but as time has gone by it’s become pretty clear that they disapprove of my dating E. Their opinion is that I’ve violated ‘bro code’ because I’m dating J’s ex and that’s just not allowed. When a couple of them confronted me about this, I even asked them: what makes this a problem? Why does J get to have a say in who she dates? They always just tell me that I should know this isn’t cool and I shouldn’t have done this.

I’m really feeling frustrated about this. J hasn’t said anything directly to me, but it sounds like he’s been complaining to our other friends about it. And while I respect their loyalty to our friend, I can’t deny the connection E and I have, and we both believe there’s something real here.

I’m stuck in a tough spot. I don’t want to cause more drama with my friends, but I really resent other people sticking their nose into my relationship when it’s none of their business. I also don’t want to give up on a relationship that feels this meaningful. Love isn’t exactly something you can control, right?

How can I navigate this situation with our friends and minimize the drama? Is it even possible to make this work without wrecking our friendships? I want to be respectful of everyone’s feelings, but I also want to follow my heart.

Cheers,

Drama Cluster Bomb

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: nobody gets to call “dibs” on another person, nor do they get to gatekeep who someone dates.

I’ve seen the whole “bro code” and “you can’t date the ex of your friend/family member/ co-worker/ whatever” discourse more times than I care to count and honestly, I’m kinda sick of it. It’s almost entirely down to toxic ideas around sex and relationships that really only affect straight people. In queer communities, you’re much more likely to find friends dating other friends’ exes and everyone being cool about it and not having blow ups about whether it’s “allowed” or not. That’s a pretty good indication of what this is actually about among straights – control dressed up as concern. When your friends tell you that it’s not cool of you to date E, they’re completely ignoring the fact that everyone in this equation has agency. I can’t help but notice that it seems like they’re not saying the same thing to E. That, to my mind, is pretty significant.

In fact, I think the next time one of them comes to you with this, you should ask them “so… have you told E this, too?” Because I’m betting that either they won’t have, or they’ll insist that’s different, somehow. And that will tell you exactly what this is about: J somehow still having a claim to E and the “right” to control her relationships.

Now, maybe J doesn’t know that his friends are doing this on his behalf. Maybe they’ve taken it upon themselves to gatekeep things. Or maybe J doesn’t want to be obvious about it and so is letting others do the lifting for him. Regardless of who is the prime motivator in this fracas, it still comes down to the same thing: J’s relationship with E is over, E is an independent person with agency and can decide to date whomever she pleases and while other people can have an opinion, they don’t get a vote or veto. Relationships are not democracies and they’re not open to public comment.

(And this, guys, gals and non-binary pals, is why Doc takes another shot every time he sees more discourse about Taylor Swift’s love life…)

I do think that you might have prevented some of this drama by telling J that it was happening before you and E became more public about things. Not, I must point out, asking permission, but giving him advance notice so that he could prepare emotionally for the inevitability of seeing the two of you together. While circumstances might make this less feasible (if E asked you not to, for example), it would at least be a polite and kind thing to do.

But while it doesn’t seem like you did that, not doing it doesn’t excuse how his friends are acting. Even if this is down to “it hurts J to see E dating someone else”, well, that’s a shame and I empathize with J… but that hurt doesn’t give him the right to say “…and that’s why she’s not allowed to date someone I know”. It’s up to J to handle his own emotions, not you and not E. As his friends, you owe him politeness and possibly discretion, but you don’t owe him a veto over who you date or who his ex dates.

And hell, even if you and E were maliciously rubbing his nose in your newfound happiness, that still wouldn’t give J or his proxies the right to say “this isn’t allowed”. It would just make the two of you a pair of colossal assholes, and I would be entirely sympathetic to J and his friends icing you out of the group.  

I know some would say that it comes down to whose feelings matter more, or respecting your friend in his time of loss… that’s still ignoring that E is her own person and that feelings don’t override agency. If you’d “stolen” E away (for suitably sarcastic definitions of “stolen”; E isn’t property), that would be intensely shitty of you and that would be a violation of the friendship you and J have. But I don’t think you two forming a relationship organically and in its own time is an insult or disrespect to J.

I think there might be some value to talk to J directly. Having third parties in the mix is only going to make things worse, especially if J’s not the one who’s actually directing this. It may be helpful for the two of you to get together and clear the air (while not conceding that he has a right to say who you or E is allowed to date). If, for example, J tells you that “I would’ve appreciated if you’d at least given me a heads up that you and E were starting to see each other”, you would at least be able to see that the issue is more his being blindsided by this rather than his having authority to dictate terms.

But if you two can clear the air, I think that might help immensely. Assuming, of course, that J is reasonable about this. You know him; I don’t. You’ll have to be the one to decide.

In the end, however, this is going to come down to two things: you establishing some boundaries with your social circle and ultimately deciding which is going to be more important. If J’s feelings on this – or those of the others in the group – are going to be more important than what’s happening with E, then yeah, this relationship might have to end. But, in the spirit of honesty, I think that would be short-sighted.

If J’s a reasonable person, I think he’ll get over it. If he’s not… well, honestly that’s more of a J issue than a you issue. And while it might suck to lose that friend group, if they’re going to act like this, I don’t know if I could say that’s necessarily a bad thing.

Good luck.