My Boyfriend Doesn’t Want to Have Sex: What Should I Do?

Evan,

My boyfriend and I have been dating for 7 months. This past month, our intimacy levels have severely dropped. A friend of ours who we confide in mutually passed along to me that my boyfriend told him that he just doesn’t want me sexually. He says he wants to want me, that I am beautiful and sexy to him, but he doesn’t have a sex drive.

Prior to this conversation with our friend, he and I had had a fight about our lack of sexual intimacy. I told him that I didn’t feel wanted by him and that I always have to initiate sex and that when we are being intimate, he doesn’t do any type of foreplay with me at all. I do all the kissing, touching, etc., and he just lays back and enjoys the ride. Other aspects of our relationship were great but have been affected by that. I know that this issue has made us both resentful, and I just need some insight into how I can make him want me again. He says it happens to him in every relationship that the sex starts out great, but he loses his drive if he is with a woman longer than 4 months. He won’t talk about it so that we can get to the root of it and move past it and improve our relationship, yet he says that he wants to work on it and make it better. What should I do if my boyfriend doesn’t seem interested in me sexually anymore? —Lena

The real question, Lena, is whether this is a black/white situation or a gray situation.

If your boyfriend is not interested in sex, does not initiate sex, offers no foreplay, feels that every relationship beyond four months is doomed, and is not actively looking for solutions for his performance anxiety like visiting a sex therapist, then there’s nothing you can do.

It takes two to tango, and he’s sitting in a folding chair with his legs crossed.

It takes two to tango, and he’s sitting in a folding chair with his legs crossed.

That’s black and white.

But if he acknowledges that there’s a problem, recognizes your sexual frustration, and is willing to make adjustments because your relationship is worth preserving, there’s a chance of preserving it.

Really, it’s the same as ANY relationship dilemma.

If either party is willing to change to improve their sexual relationship, it’s got a chance; if neither party is willing to change and the status quo is unfulfilling, you’ve gotta get out. 

Still, for perspective, your boyfriend’s experience with a diminishing sexual desire is very common. Maybe not to the extremes that he’s taken it (NO sex drive. NO desire after 4 months). But since sex for men is usually about what’s new and exciting, it’s hard to keep things new and exciting with the same partner forever.

There’s no more conquering, no more unknowns at the end of the night, no more surprise about what she’s going to look like naked, no more wonder about what happens the next day… I’m not saying I’d trade in my marriage for this; I am saying that these are things that men often miss when they’re part of a couple.

Personally, my sexual interest was always high when my girlfriend (now wife) and I were living separately — even after we got married. But once we moved in together (after about two years), my desire definitely dropped — which is to say that we didn’t want to have sex every time we saw each other.

While familiarity doesn’t necessarily breed contempt, it can certainly temper excitement.

While familiarity doesn’t necessarily breed contempt, it can certainly temper excitement.

So please, understand that your boyfriend isn’t alone in his feelings. Men are not naturally monogamous, but many of us do choose it.

If you want to make things work, do your best to not take things personally.

Talking openly about why he has lost interest in sex and where your relationship is going is a sure way of killing desire and increasing sexual frustration.

Next, do your best to keep things interesting. Ask him about his fantasies or anything that he’s sexually attracted to. Role play so he can pick you up all over again. Come up with a game where he has to try to please you in order to win the right to be pleased himself. Anything to rekindle the spark and get back his desire to want to have sex with you.

And if he’s not willing to play along, and continues to ignore your sexual needs, you have to say goodbye.

Not because he’s a bad man, but because he’s not a man who will keep you sexually satisfied for the rest of your life.