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I have been in an exclusive sexual relationship with a high-quality man for 4 months now. Things are easy and natural and I have no concerns with trust or how he feels. However, I happened to notice recently as I was looking to see if we have a mutual follow on Instagram that he is following about a dozen women who primarily post sexy swimsuit or lingerie pictures. I am not naive enough to think that guys don’t look at other girls nor insecure enough to think that he doesn’t think that I’m sexy too. I have a sexy side that will send him sexy pics of myself occasionally too but I don’t want to be compared to these other women. Although I work out and I think my body is strong and sexy, I’ve had 2 kids!! I just feel that it is a little disrespectful. He has me sending him sexy pics; I am uncomfortable that his Instagram feed is filled with these pictures of sexy other women on a daily basis.
My questions are…is this a “normal” guy thing? Is there a “right” time or way to tell him how I feel?
Thanks Evan! I think you are great and appreciate all your advice in you blogs and podcasts!
Kristen
In my first book “I Can’t Believe I’m Buying This Book – A Commonsense Guide to Successful Internet Dating,” I advised women not to post photos that show too much skin because it would attract the wrong guys.
It’s an easy argument to make – especially with the number of god-awful pervs who think that telling you what they’re going to do to you in their introductory email is a good idea.
The way you see it, if you hold back the photos that highlight your body, you’ll eliminate the bad guys. Better to keep things all buttoned up to avoid attracting “bad” men.
The way you see it, if you hold back the photos that highlight your body, you’ll eliminate the bad guys. Better to keep things all buttoned up to avoid attracting “bad” men.
I coasted on that advice for a few years, upon which I realized that I was one of those bad men.
Cleavage? Bikinis on the beach? Tight dresses that hide nothing? Yes, please!
And since I know that I’m not a “bad man” but rather, “a man,” I ceased giving such stupid, puritanical advice. Now I encourage my clients – usually in their 40’s and 50’s – to ramp up their sex appeal and minimize the Mom photos and snowsuit shots from their last ski trip.
Sex appeal doesn’t mean laying on a bed in lingerie with a rose in your teeth. It just means posting photos that appeal to men’s basest impulses. If he clicks on your profile and is turned on, a good man will then read about you and write based on your content rather than your looks.
Why do I lead with this story, Kristen?
Because there’s a lot of advice given based on how women think men should act as opposed to advice given on how men actually act. I’m an advocate for the latter.
In this oft-shared post “What Do Men Get Out of Looking at Other Women?” I try to explain (if not justify) the phenomenon. For most of us, looking at women is like looking at a rainbow or a bright orange Lamborghini. They’re all head-turners in our book. Telling us to not turn our heads is a good exercise in teaching men to respect women – but it does go against our very nature.
So, is it gauche for a guy to follow Instagram models? Kinda. Is it immature? Kinda. It is short-sighted when you have a sensitive and slightly jealous girlfriend? Kinda. At the same time, if we’re being honest, if I were 30 and active on Instagram, that is EXACTLY what I’d be doing.
And then I’d find a girlfriend who would feel the same way you did and I’d be torn. On one hand, I want her to be happy and feel bad that she feels bad. On the other, looking at these women has absolutely nothing to do with my feelings for her and I don’t see why I should have to completely cease my no-cost, no-effort hobby at scrolling through hot photos in my spare time. It’s certainly not cheating. As defined by women, it’s more like microcheating, which is a very blurry line.
My problem with your guy does not stem from his casual Instagram habit – since I STILL look at provocative photos online – as a very happily married man for the past 11 years.
My problem stems from this one sentence: “He has me sending sexy pics.”
The way that was phrased makes it sound like he is a Svengali who has power over you. It makes it sound like you don’t want to send those pics but he’s pressuring you to do so. It makes it sound like you are so enthralled with him that you don’t want to set limits and boundaries.
Maybe I’m reading this wrong, but between you and me, Instagram in and of itself isn’t a problem with a high-quality man. In this case, however, it may be the canary in the coal mine that is indicative of greater control/power/sex/infidelity issues.
I would encourage you to reconsider whether you’re actually comfortable with this man, and question if he is, indeed “high-quality.” Any guy who “makes you” send sexy pics should be summarily left behind if you’re not 100% as enthusiastic about it as he is.
One other thing I just realized after I wrote this: you say you’re in an “exclusive sexual relationship.” Sorry, but if he hasn’t claimed the title of “boyfriend” yet, you’re being played. Seriously.
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