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My boyfriend and I have been together going on 4 years. We have moved in together and overall, it seems that we are making the steps to build a loving future together. Until, that is, the beginning of February.
While doing some maintenance work on his computer, I came across pictures of his sister’s friend, who was topless. He claimed he had asked her to stop sending them and had only saved the pictures as a way to ensure she would. I accepted his explanation as I have never had reason to distrust him in the past.
Well, a couple months later, I found an inappropriate picture of a female coworker whom I thought had a crush on him. I talked to him about this, trying to be as emotionless and non-confrontational as possible. I explained to him that I can’t stop some girl from sending him pictures, but HE has the power to delete them and put a stop to it.
Since that talk, I’ve found other pictures of his friends in various stages of undress: a high school friend laying in bed with her breasts exposed and another woman fully nude. We had a huge blow-out about it, and I told him I’m going to leave if it doesn’t stop. He begged me to stay, says he’s so sorry, that he didn’t mean to hurt me, doesn’t know why they send him pictures etc.
I’m pretty sure he’s not physically cheating on me. We spend almost all our time together, and besides these pictures, he behaves normally. Our sex life is good, we go out, we genuinely enjoy each others’ company. So what’s his deal? Does he just want to get pictures of girls he knows for fun? I mean, I don’t care about porn; that’s fantasy and healthy. But I do have a problem of pornographic photos of girls he knows! I just need some perspective as to why he’s doing this and is this a valid reason to end our relationship?
Nichole
You’ve come up with a real doozy! I mean your boyfriend, of course, not your story.
You ever hear the adage, “Fool me once, shame on — shame on you. Fool me… you can’t get fooled again. Wait, that was the George W. Bush version. What I meant to say, Nichole, is that your boyfriend is playing you for a fool, and, at a certain point, the responsibility falls upon you to take action. That point was about three nude women ago.
Now, when you’re dealing with a four-year relationship in which you’re living together, “taking action” is not something that should be undertaken lightly. Before you pack up your things and move out, you need to have an authentic conversation with him. My concern, naturally, is that he’ll say all the right things to keep you, thereby setting you up for your fifth rendition of “fool me once”.
It’s clear, Nichole, that you WANT to believe him, because breaking up would send your life into turmoil, because blinding yourself to the truth is easier than facing it. Otherwise, I can’t think of any other reasons that a bright, self-aware woman who calls porn “healthy” would believe a whopper like:
He claimed he had asked her to stop sending them and had only saved the pictures as a way to ensure she would.
Um, I don’t get it. I mean, I’m turning it over logically in my head, and I just can’t follow. If he retains the pictures on his hard drive, it PREVENTS more pictures from coming in? Who knew? …
And who knew that deleting the offending photographs was so tricky? After all, when I get junk mail that I don’t want, I generally… save it all in a folder marked Personal. I mean, who wouldn’t keep all the disgusting unwanted porn that infiltrated his computer? But then again, what choice did he have — what with her sending those nude photographs against his will.
This leads me to my favorite whopper — one that could only have been borrowed from the playbook of a four-year-old who doesn’t know enough about life to lie effectively.
He doesn’t know why they send him pictures.
You know how women are — forcing their breasts upon our unsuspecting innocent male eyes, no how matter how much we plead with them to stop.
Yeah, you know how women are — forcing their breasts upon our unsuspecting innocent male eyes, no how matter how much we plead with them to stop.
Like last month’s post from the woman whose husband left her for 18 months, cheated on her, and wants to come back, you’ve become quite adept at ignoring the same advice that you’d give to any girlfriend.
As for your actual question: Why is he doing this and is this a valid reason to end our relationship?
Only you can determine whether this is a valid reason to end your relationship. If you can manage to not be perpetually hurt at his mental adultery, you’re far stronger than most women. There are couples that believe in polyamory — he cheats, she loves him anyway. It’s your call, darlin’. I certainly won’t judge you for staying — but only if YOU’RE comfortable with his penchant for friend-porn.
As to why he’s doing this: Maybe he’s got a wandering eye, maybe he’s a porn addict, maybe he’s a voyeur. You won’t know any of this until you confront him directly, and demand a real answer — not some fairy tale about nasty women who won’t leave him alone. And if you don’t get a real answer — an actual admission that he’s done something wrong and needs to atone immediately (with a zero strikes policy in the future) — you have to have the guts to say goodbye.
Otherwise, this email is just another exercise for the sake of itself. Like the unemployed person who doesn’t look for work, or the heavy person who won’t stop gorging, you’ve turned yourself into a victim of laziness and fear and willful ignorance. It’s nobody’s fault but your own if you get fooled again.
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