My Boyfriend Never Helps Me Financially

How To Make Sure Money Doesn’t Come Between You and Your Partner

Money is a big topic on this blog.

We’ve talked about how some women take advantage of good-hearted low-earning boyfriends.

We’ve talked about how some women expect men to make more money, even if they make a good living independently.

We’ve talked about how some women refuse to even reach for a check.

These are all arguments I’ve made for equality. With women earning more college degrees and master’s degrees in this day and age, it’s anachronistic to expect men to pay and ALWAYS earn more.

What To Do if You Date a Man With No Ambition?

Lisa’s question cuts to the heart of women’s issues around money. 

What happens if you’re dating a man without ambition, skills, and the desire to be a better provider?

This is my client’s worst nightmare — even though I can’t see any of my clients dating a man with a truck payment and $600 to spare each month.

So let me begin, Lisa, by expressing my admiration and sympathy for you. You fell in love with a man based on what’s in his heart and not in his wallet. And that says a lot about your character.

The question is whether it’s enough.

My answer to you will be a gender-blind one because that’s the way we need to begin to look at financial issues. This is not about who earns more. This is about two things: what’s fair and what you’re comfortable with.

This is not about who earns more. This is about two things: what’s fair and what you’re comfortable with.

How To Avoid Arguments and Resentment Down the Road

Objectively, this arrangement isn’t fair. But then, in a gender-blind society, who said things had to be fair?

I made about four times what my wife made when we met. Would it have been fair for me to ask her to split our rent in half? No, it would not.

We split it based on our means to pay. I could have resented that I made four times more than her, but I chose not to. I wasn’t with her for her money or ability to split costs. I was with her because of how I felt in her presence.

These days, my wife doesn’t work at all. She stays at home with the kids and goes to Mommy and Me classes, swimming classes, MyGym, and Disneyland, all of which I pay for.

Do I resent her?

Not one bit because I believe that:“This is what she wants to do, and I’m fortunate to have the means to allow her to do it. This is the bargain we struck as a couple. This is the bargain any woman can strike with a man, as long as she doesn’t resent him for earning less or being a stay at home dad.

I’m guessing every reader here had the same initial reaction to your email, “Lisa, you poor girl! Dump him!” I can see where that impulse comes from, but I don’t think it’s acknowledging your deep feelings for your boyfriend. You’ve spent two years with him. You say that he’s the “nicest, most wonderful man” you know.

In order to salvage this relationship, a few things have to happen.

How To Handle Financial Problems in a Relationship

It’s pretty stressful to have personal finance issues with your man, especially if you’re paying a disproportionate amount of the household expenses. But that doesn’t mean all is lost.

Money issues are common in relationships, and couples with a strong foundation can often weather them together. Presuming you and your partner value your relationship equally, you can find a way to compromise and develop a plan that works for both of you. 

In order to salvage this relationship, a few things have to happen.

Have an authentic conversation with him.

You need to start by acknowledging how much you love and appreciate him. Then you need to acknowledge that you’ve been feeling a little bit of resentment. You’re not proud of it, but you own it.

Break it down for him.

You contribute five times more to the household than he does, even though you only make X dollars more. Even though you appreciate his pre-existing payments, that’s imbalanced and is a serious burden for you to carry alone.

Get his acknowledgement of this fact.

What you’d like to do is sit down and do a budget of how much each of you makes and would like to pay the rent and bills proportionately, whatever that means. This would include how much money you make from child support and exclude how much he pays in child support.

We’re talking about take-home pay only.

• If it still comes out to $600 for him and $3000 for you, you can suggest a workaround. He can sell his truck and buy something cheaper if that’s possible. You can go to Mint.com and look at how to balance your budget better.
• Additionally, one thing that will have to change is how much he contributes to the household in non-monetary ways. He has to do 50% of the cooking and 50% of the cleaning at a bare minimum, to ease your burden as the primary breadwinner.

Make it clear that you don’t resent him because he makes less than you.

Not everyone can have a high-paying job. This feeling is building up inside because you feel taken for granted.

And if the roles were reversed and he was paying $3000/month then doing all the cooking and cleaning, he’d probably feel resentful, too, no?

His reaction to this conversation will tell you whether you have a relationship worth preserving. There’s nothing wrong with marrying a poor guy if you have the means to support him. There IS something wrong with marrying a poor guy who doesn’t have a sense of fairness and appreciation for your efforts.

There’s nothing wrong with marrying a poor guy if you have the means to support him. There IS something wrong with marrying a poor guy who doesn’t have a sense of fairness and appreciation for your efforts.

Please come back and let us know how that conversation goes.

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