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My boyfriend and I have been seeing each other regularly for 4 months. I waited for sex a bit after we were exclusive (he asked me to be exclusive after our third date). Things maybe moved (OK, maybe I moved things) more quickly than they should have, in the sense that I brought up the future casually, jokingly, but he took it very seriously, as I would later find out. We see each other all day Friday (we both work from home that day and I go to his house to work), spend the night, go out to dinner, and all of Saturday we do something active like a hike or a ride. Saturday evening I go home to my teenage kids (he has a daughter in college).
This summer my kids are gone, and I’m renting my house out for 10 days. I asked him a while ago if I could stay with him for those 10 days, but that there was no pressure as I have girlfriends to stay with. He said it was OK. I kept asking him in the following weeks and he kept saying it was perfectly fine.
OK, so here’s the thing– after a week in which we spent one weeknight and Friday and Saturday night together, he told me that the magic is gone and we’ve fallen into the mundane, that he needs his space and the 10 days looming in the horizon are weighing on him. At the same time he wants to keep seeing me, just maybe Friday and Saturday, with the occasional weekday lunch. But Sundays are for him. I get that, believe me! I need my own space as well. He still texts me every morning and night, and is warm, attentive, and kind. But this caught me completely off guard and sent me spinning with panic.
He’s 55 and has been alone for last 10 years, with relationships that have lasted 1-year tops. I’m 48 and recently divorced. By his own admission, he’s a pleaser who says yes to everything until he explodes or disappears. He’s working on how to say “no”. I applaud him for his honesty and his journey to be a better man, but I’m a confused mess. Should I just play it cool and reassess a few months for now? Sometimes I’m afraid to make plans for fear of overwhelming him. I don’t text him unless he does for fear of suffocating him. It seems that his ideal relationship is one where people keep their independence and see each other once a week. I’m not looking to get married and with my kids here I’m not thinks about anybody moving, but I think I need more of a emotional anchor than that. I just don’t know in what shape, though. It could be a weekly companion but I’m not sure.
Is it OK that he doesn’t hint about a future? Or that he doesn’t tell me he loves me (other than indirectly)? Or is it a matter of giving the relationship time to develop organically while trying to find a balance that works for us? Should I let him go? He does treat me well otherwise and we are compatible in our values, just not aligned in our dating habits I guess.
Sorry for the rambling, but your advice is much appreciated. I’m sure part of the problem is that I don’t know what I want, and that’s why I can’t find an answer in your blog.
Many, many thanks.
Patricia
By the time you read this, Patricia, your relationship will probably have dissolved. If it hasn’t, your sanity will probably have dissolved.
That’s the cost of dating a man who – based on your description – has an “avoidant attachment style.”
From the book “Attached” by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller, avoidants think like this:
“It is very important for you to maintain your independence and self-sufficiency, and you often prefer autonomy to intimate relationships. Even though you do want to be close to others, you feel uncomfortable with too much closeness and tend to keep your partner at arm’s length. You don’t spend much time worrying about your romantic relationships or about being rejected. You tend not to open up to your partners and they often complain that you are emotionally distant. In relationships, you are often on high alert for any signs of control or impingement on your territory by your partner.
Avoidants may not be bad people, but they’re really bad partners. They claim to want intimacy and, when shit starts to get real, they pull away from it.
Avoidants may not be bad people, but they’re really bad partners. They claim to want intimacy and, when shit starts to get real, they pull away from it.
I’m no psychologist but here are the hints that your guy is avoidant:
He’s 55 and has been alone for last 10 years, with relationships that have lasted 1-year tops.
By his own admission, he’s a pleaser who says yes to everything until he explodes or disappears.
Sometimes I’m afraid to make plans for fear of overwhelming him. I don’t text him unless he does for fear of suffocating him.
It seems that his ideal relationship is one where people keep their independence and see each other once a week.
He doesn’t hint about a future.
He doesn’t tell me he loves me.
Yep, that’s pretty much your whole letter, Patricia.
And not to give away anything from my signature program, Love U, but when you find an avoidant guy and you’re walking on eggshells, RUN IN THE OPPOSITE DIRECTION.
There is nothing you could tell me about him or your relationship that would change my feeling. You can tell me he buys you flowers, rubs your feet, and cures cancer on the side. Doesn’t matter. He’s an avoidant timebomb waiting to explode.
You need a man who WANTS intimacy, not one who avoids it.
Get out and find a relationship in which you can relax and feel connected.
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