My Boyfriend’s Kink Turns Me Off. What Do I Do?

Dear Dr. NerdLove:

I am a 26-year-old gay man living in  Boston. I recently started dating a man in his 30s whose biggest turn-on is having a guy lick and kiss the bottoms of his feet. At first I enjoyed watching him get so much satisfaction while I licked and kissed his feet. But now I’m feeling uneasy. He has started asking me to get naked and worship his feet while he remains clothed and engages in nonsexual activities—things like watching TV, eating dinner, or just sitting back and having a smoke. I’m concerned that he’s degrading me. I do have to say he more than gets me off after I do this for him. But I don’t want to be in a relationship based on my being degraded—as good as it may feel to both of us.

Do I put up with feeling degraded and stick around for the great sex? Do I tell him how I’m feeling?

New Foot Licker

So, off the bat, NFL, this sounds like there’s a real problem here that goes beyond just how your boyfriend’s kink turns you off. But before we get deep into that, let’s define some terms and intended dynamics here, especially for folks who may not be familiar with the ins and outs of various kinks and fetishes.

What your boyfriend started off with is a form of kink that’s often known as ‘body worship’; in these cases, one partner tends to lavish attention and affection on the other partner’s specific body part, often through kissing, rubbing, licking and so on. As a general practice, this isn’t uncommon. You can find hundreds of breast worship, butt worship and penis worship videos on PornHub with a cursory search; most of the time, it’s not that different from your standard-issue porn video, just with more attention being paid to one body part than usual. What is often interesting about these forms of body worship is that there isn’t a standard of whether it’s a dominant or submissive doing the worshiping. In fact, it can often go either way – the more dominant partner giving attention to their submissive partner, or a submissive partner doing these things as submissive act to the dominant.

Foot worship, however, does tend to have a pretty clear-cut dom/sub divide. Since the foot is often seen as being the “lowest” part of the body and things like “kissing one’s feet” is seen as a submissive act, the person performing the act is usually the submissive partner. In some cases, it’s an expression of foot fetishism, while in others, it’s a form of erotic humiliation.

(What’s also interesting in your case, NFL, is that usually the person with a foot fetish is someone who is turned on by other people’s feet. Someone being turned on by folks worshiping their feet is, I believe, less common, but not unheard of.)

Now, the way things started sounds like it was a kinky add-on to otherwise fairly standard sex for the two of you. Kissing or licking the bottoms of his feet was something that really gives him an extra erotic charge and so hey, easy enough to incorporate into sex. It’s not everyone’s thing, per se, but as far as kinks go, it’s not one that ends up being too far for a non-kinky partner to indulge in on occasion. And, I imagine, knowing that it was a thing that really turned your boyfriend on likely had a significant charge for you as well. It may not have been your kink, but doing this thing that really got your partner off made you feel pretty damn good too and your partner was sure to reciprocate for you. All well and good.

It’s the change in context that seems to have squicked you out, and understandably so. While it’s one thing to do something kinky during sex, your boyfriend asking you to worship his feet in explicitly non-sexual contexts changes things. The dom/sub or top/bottom dynamic may be there while the two of you are rolling around in bed together, it doesn’t carry the explicit layer of submission and humiliation that worshiping his feet while he watches TV or has a smoke does. So now it’s gone from “this is a thing I can do because we’re pleasing each other” to “this is a thing I’m doing because it pleases you and humiliates me.”

Now, it would be one thing if you were a sub who enjoys eroticized humiliation, or you and your partner had agreed to a power-exchange relationship, especially a 24/7 power exchange dynamic. But it doesn’t sound like you had that conversation, either at the beginning of your relationship or when he asked for you to strip and lick his feet in non-sexual situations. That is not good, my dude. Kink and BDSM in general – and power exchange in particular – are things that should be discussed before hand and agreed to, not just sprung on a partner… especially if the kink is going to continue outside of the bedroom. Someone asking for a thing that really turns them on during sex is fine. Someone springing “I want this as a core part of our relationship, even outside of sex” out of the blue is… not great, to say the least.

I’m a little torn as to whether your boyfriend is someone who is unfamiliar with the dynamics of kink and how to manage a healthy kinky relationship, or if he was deliberately trying to draw you into a power-exchange relationship without your realizing it. The former is… understandable, I guess, if he’s never had any real experience with kink or the BDSM community. It’s not good, but it’s a little understandable. If you squint. A lot. It’s still something that he should discuss with you first, especially if you’re not someone who was already kinky or chose to enter a kinky relationship.

If he decided to just draw you in, like the proverbial frog in the boiling pot of water, then that’s really not good. That starts getting into “easier to beg forgiveness than to ask permission” territory, which is bad in general but especially bad in relationships. Especially since the eroticized humiliation aspect of this is leaving you feeling degraded and not in a fun way that you appreciate. There’s a significant difference between “ok, this doesn’t turn me on, but I’ll do it for my partner because they really love it and I can vibe on their enjoyment” and “my partner is asking me for this thing that leaves me sobbing in the shower afterwards.” And while it doesn’t sound like you’re at the “sobbing in the shower” level of discomfort, it doesn’t sound like you’re that far from it, either.

But the question remains: what do you do about this?

Well, first and foremost: you speak up. That’s pretty much always step one when dealing with relationship conflicts, but especially when your partner is doing things that make you feel icky or bad. You should always be your first and best advocate for your comfort and sense of safety as well as your own pleasure. Tell him, directly, that while you may have been ok with some foot action during sex (assuming that you were ok with it), the things he’s been asking you for make you feel bad. And be firm on this: what he’s asking for makes you feel degraded and humiliated.

Being firm on this point is important, because he may well defend himself by saying that he didn’t mean for you to feel degraded. That may or may not be true, but it doesn’t matter; his intent may have been one thing, but it’s affect on you is another, and actual affect is more important than the intent. I may not intend to step on your foot, but it still hurt you when I did; he may not intend for you to feel degraded, but you do. As the saying goes: intent isn’t magic.

Now, what happens next – assuming that he’s a good guy and realizes that what he’s asking for may be a kink too far for you – is that you discuss what does and doesn’t work for you and where your boundaries are. You know: the sort of conversation you should’ve had before he upped the kink quota. Maybe you’re ok with licking and playing with his feet during sex on occasion, but not being his foot-worshiping servant. Or maybe this has gone to a point where you don’t know if you could go back to just keeping the foot worship to when you’re in bed together. Both of these are legitimate. If he’s a good guy and cares about you and your comfort, he should be willing to figure out a compromise… or to take the foot worship off the table entirely. That may not be his first choice, but sometimes not getting to indulge in a particular kink is the price we pay to be in a relationship with a specific person.

Assuming that all goes well and you’re open to exploring kink a bit more with him – within limits – then it wouldn’t be a bad idea for the two of you to do some research together. You may want to check out books like Midori’s Wild Side Sex: The Book of Kink: Educational, Sensual, and Entertaining Essays , Tristan Taormino’s The Ultimate Guide to Kink: BDSM, Role Play and the Erotic Edge, Violet Blue’s The Ultimate Guide to Sexual Fantasy, check out some online courses or even see if there are any classes on kink 101 in your area.

If, on the other hand, he doesn’t seem to understand or acknowledge that this bothers you, or tells you that you shouldn’t feel this way? That’s a bad sign and a reliable tell that he’s a shitty dom, too. The same goes if he pulls the same “frog in a boiling pot” approach to other areas – whether in sex or in other ways that make you feel bad – rather than having a sit-down discussion about wants and needs in your relationship. Even if he’s not a mustache-twirling villain hoping to trick you into something, a “don’t ask, just do” philosophy in relationships is harmful and leads to bad and unhappy relationships.

If that ends up being the case, then the best thing you can do is leave. It doesn’t matter if the sex is great if the aftermath leaves you feeling humiliated and debased. If he doesn’t take your feelings seriously, then it’s time to GTFO at speed.

Good luck.

Hi Doc 

I recently started seeing my friend’s ex and we’ve slept together a couple of times. I was friends with both of them for 4 years before they started dating. A (the ex) and I always had a spark between us but it was the kind of situation where one of us was always in a relationship.

A couple of months ago my friend and A broke up. and A confessed his feelings to me. My friend is on board, but I’m not ready to be exclusive. I really want this to work and I honestly see a big future for us but I don’t think either of us are ready to be in a serious relationship.

I still want to explore my bisexuality and A has only ever been in that one relationship.

How can I define this relationship as “undefined” so that neither of us get hurt?

Keep It Casual

I think you’re asking the wrong question, KIC – or at the very least, coming at this from the wrong direction. The mistake you’re making is that you’re assuming that not “defining” the relationship is going to somehow insulate you from… what, a bad break up? Getting hurt if you decide you want to pursue something with someone else that allows you to explore your bisexuality? You don’t say… which, honestly, is the problem.

The problem with your approach to this is that, frankly, a lot of folks use the “I don’t like labels” or “I prefer our relationship to be undefined” are often really saying “I don’t want to be obligated to someone else” or “I don’t want to be monogamous, but I don’t to have to talk to my partner about it either”. The folks who tend to be the most outspoken of “I don’t do labels” know that if they were to tell their partner that they don’t want to be monogamous, their partner would probably leave. So by saying “oh, we don’t believe in labels” or “I prefer to keep our relationship undefined”, they think they get a “Get Out of Consequences Free” card for when they’re caught fucking around. “Oh, you can’t get mad at me, we didn’t have labels…”

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that’s what you are doing. But it certainly seems like you’re trying to avoid having potentially awkward conversations which is a mistake.

Here’s the thing: definitions – or the lack thereof – aren’t going to be what get you hurt or keep you from getting hurt. Definitions don’t hurt people; what they do is set expectations. When we say “this person is my boyfriend/girlfriend/partner”, “we’re dating”, or “we’re casual”, then what you’re doing is setting the expectations of what that relationship entails. If you say that someone’s your partner, then there’s generally an expectation of commitment; you may not be planning marriage and kids or even moving in together, but there’s a level of “this is what we expect from one another.” The same is true for a “casual” relationship, an open one or a monogamous one… you’re saying “these are what we can expect from this relationship.” You are, for all intents and purposes, laying the ground rules for what you and your snuggglebunny want and expect from each other.

Now obviously, if you break those agreements or fail to meet those expectations, then people get hurt. But not having those expectations or agreements doesn’t magically insulate you or them from pain; if anything, it can increase the likelihood of hurt feelings or tripping over a landmine you didn’t expect. All it means is that neither of you discussed things, and that’s not great for the short or long-term health of your relationship. In fact, not having any definitions can actually work against your stated goal of nobody getting hurt.

The issue with an “undefined” relationship is that a lot of folks take that to mean “well, we didn’t define things, so you can’t get hurt or upset if I do X or Y”, but that’s not how relationships work. Hell, that’s not how anything works. Because you didn’t discuss things, you have no real idea of what A is expecting from you, nor does A have any idea of what you want or expect. Knowing these things can be important, because it sets expectations and gives clarity about what is and isn’t going to happen and what you can expect from one another.

Just because you haven’t defined the relationship, that doesn’t mean that you or your partner aren’t going to accidentally step on each others’ toes. Potential break ups won’t be easier because the relationship didn’t have a name or a label. Nor, for that matter, does being “undefined” magically keep them from being hurt if you decide to pursue something with another person, or keep them from developing feelings for you. And not having a definition – or a mutually agreed up on idea of what to expect – ups the risk of things going badly.

As one example of how definitions or a lack thereof can help or harm, let’s talk about handling casual relationships.  One of the issues that comes up with a casual relationship – especially one where the people involved didn’t define their terms – is that people take that as license to treat their partners casually. Ella Dawson has an excellent essay about how people handle “casual” sex, which is well worth reading. She describes the heartbreak of dealing with folks who clearly liked her and who she liked, but who seemed to think that any sort of consideration, kindness or even public acknowledgement might give the wrong idea.

So, rather than working to avoid labels, if you want to minimize the likelihood of unnecessary pain, then I would suggest you should define your relationship. Because, honestly, you have a relationship; it’s just a question of what kind and what you expect from one another. And right now, you don’t know what that is. I mean, you say it yourself: “I don’t think either of us are ready to be in a serious relationship”. Ok… but have you actually asked A this? Or are you assuming this because A just broke up with someone? If you haven’t actually discussed this with him, then you’re running the risk that your assumptions aren’t lining up with his expectations.

But then again… they might be! But if you haven’t talked things through with him, then you have no way of knowing if that’s the case. So, rather than hope that by not labeling it, things will work out, it’s better to take the time to talk to A about your relationship and what you both want, need and and don’t want from this. Having this sort of DTR talk doesn’t mean you’re agreeing to commitment that you don’t want, it just clarifies what you two have and expect from one another.

For example: it sounds like you don’t want an expectation of monogamy; you want to explore your bisexuality and that may mean dating other people besides A. That’s all well and good… so don’t tell me this, tell A. He’s the one who needs to know this. Similarly, you say that you don’t think you are ready for a “serious” relationship. Again: that’s legit. But what, exactly, does “serious” mean to you? Do you know for certain that A feels the same way and that A has the same definition of “serious” that you do? A may be on the same page about wanting something a little less committed… or he may have a different idea of what a “serious” relationship would entail. Serious to you might mean “on the path to living together and/or marriage” while to A, it may mean “introducing you to his family” or “telling people that he’s your boyfriend”.

What things are off the table for you? Yes, you want to explore, but does that mean you may be more open to “seriously” dating someone else besides A? In addition to A? Are you categorically opposed to the possibility of moving in together, even if that were months or years down the line? What about traveling together or going on vacations and or weekend getaways? Is that on the “no” list as well? You’re not going to introduce yourselves as “partners” or what-have-you, but are you openly seeing each other or  do you expect to keep the details of this relationship on a need-to-know basis?

Another thing you should talk about: what do you expect from one another, even in this theoretically “undefined” relationship? Are you hoping to see each other once a week? Every couple of weeks? Are you both looking for companionship and sex, or are you open to the possibility of feelings growing between you? Are you open to the potential of this becoming serious, or is that entirely off the table for an undefined amount of time?

Does this mean that you’re putting some kind of label on this? Yeah, it does, even if it’s just “friends with benefits” or “casual”. But that’s not necessarily a bad thing, or that it goes against what you want. If anything, hashing things out now makes it much easier to avoid unnecessary pain down the line when the “undefined” part of your relationship comes around to bite you or A on the ass.

And that will  almost definitely happen if you’re hoping that  keeping things “undefined” means that you think you won’t have to talk about these issues with A.

Good luck.