My Crush Hooked Up With Someone Else And I’m Pissed Off.

Dear Dr. NerdLove,

I never thought I’d be writing in with a question but I guess here goes. I (m/22)  been attracted to my friend (we’ll call her Amanda, f/22) for years. We had an extremely brief fling my freshman year of college that ended because I was an immature asshole and I never really got over it. I wouldn’t say I made a big deal out of still having feelings for her but I wasn’t keeping it a secret either. It’s likely she knew I still wanted to be with her, but I tried to avoid bringing it up a lot.

Since she and I live across the country from each other, I hadn’t had a chance to do anything about this, but recently she invited me to visit her at college when I was in the area. I was hoping that maybe things might happen and we could try again, especially since she was single and I was single and I knew that she wasn’t interested in anyone at her school because she told me how dead her dating life was. At first the plan was for me to stay with her and her roommate (they have off-campus housing), but a couple weeks before I came she said that it’d be too cramped and I should probably get a hotel instead.

Once I got there things were ok, but I could tell things were a little tense. Her roommate seemed to be interested in me and was talking to me a lot and hanging out with us but I really wanted to be alone with Amanda. That never happened, even after I suggested that maybe she and I get dinner and catch up, just the two of us.

Then one night, we got invited to hang out with some of the crew from one of her clubs to come watch movies. It ended up with Amanda and one of her guy club friends sitting on the floor, me, the roommate and a couple of the other club members on the couch. I wasn’t happy because I wanted to sit next to my friend, you know? But her roommate insisted on sitting next to me instead and I guess there just wasn’t room or something.

Anyway over the course of the movies, first her friend moved around until the two of them were leaning up on one another, and then before long she and he were very obviously making out. Like absolutely loudly sucking face and running hands over each other. I couldn’t take it and I had to get up and leave. I was PISSED at her, like how could she just do this in front of me like that? I asked the roommate about it and she said that no, Amanda and the other guy never dated or anything so I don’t know what to believe. Now I’m angry at Amanda, I feel lied to and I don’t know what to do. Amanda doesn’t think she did anything wrong and her roommate thinks I’m being an asshole for being mad at her.

What do you think, Doc? Am I the asshole here? Or is she an asshole for doing this when she knows I like her?

Unwilling Third Wheel

You know the old saying of “the past doesn’t repeat itself but it does rhyme”? It gets very weird seeing people go through some of the same damn things I went through in my bad old days. Apparently there truly is nothing new under the sun.

Anyway.

Alright, UTW, in the parlance of the Am I The Asshole subreddit: yes, YTA. But here’s the thing: this isn’t about Amanda making out with someone. That’s a symptom, not the cause. The problem here is that you weren’t catching the barrage of hints that were being thrown at you. And honestly, these weren’t even subtle hints. These were about as blunt as they could possibly be without someone saying “dude, knock it the hell off already”… and I have to imagine that the only reason why Amanda didn’t say that directly is because she was trying to keep a level of polite deniability so that she wouldn’t hurt your feelings by being direct.

So, I’m gonna lay my cards on the table here: I know exactly what’s happening and what was going on because I have been you, down to watching my crush make out with someone else while a friend ran interference. I have been the dude who couldn’t let things go, who made transparent excuses to visit my crush in hopes of hooking up with them, got blocked out repeatedly by her, her friends and others, couldn’t catch a hint with both hands and an oversized catcher’s mitt and had to be beaten about the head and shoulders with a clue-by-four by someone who didn’t want to have to have a direct and unpleasant conversation about the way I was acting. And since half the reason I write this column is for other people to learn from my mistakes and bad choices, it is time for you to have a direct encounter with The Chair Leg of Truth: Amanda is telling you to let shit go because you and she will never date. And while she may not be saying it, I’ll give you the unspoken addendum to this information: if you keep this up and don’t let this go, you won’t be friends, either.

Here’s what’s going on: yes, Amanda knew damn good and well that you have feelings for her. She could tell that you were hoping that you were going to hook up with her while you were visiting. She was doing everything she could to wave you off and let you keep your dignity. That last minute pivot to “maybe you should stay somewhere else”? That was a signal. Amanda not hanging out with you solo to “catch up”? That was a signal. Her roommate constantly being up in your business and not leaving you alone with Amanda? That was them serving as defense, keeping you from being in a place where you’d make it impossible for everyone to pretend that they didn’t know you were angling for a chance to make a move.

This was an honest to God conspiracy against you, my dude. Except it wasn’t to hurt you. It was to try to keep you from making things more awkward and Amanda having to hurt your feelings by telling you, straight up, that she didn’t want to date you again and that you two weren’t going to get together.

But apparently you weren’t getting the hint, so she pulled out the big guns and made things as unmistakable as possible. That makeout session you witnessed? Yeah, it’s theoretically possible that she and her friend were so moved by the moment and/or hormones that they had to just jump each other right then and there… but odds are better that it was a “oh for fuck’s sake is nothing getting through to him?” Hail Mary pass to avoid having to have a direct confrontation about this.

Now, would it be quicker and easier for Amanda – or someone acting as her proxy – to just tell you to your face that you’re about this close to making it impossible to be your friend? Probably. But hey, you all are young, some folks aren’t good at direct confrontation and plenty of folks have good reason to worry that calling the question directly would lead to even more problems, especially in the short term. I’m going to go out on a limb and suggest that Amanda is trying her damndest to preserve your friendship and not shatter your ego into a thousand pieces, but you’ve been making it next to impossible for this to happen.

And look, I’m not unsympathetic to what you’re going through. Like I said: been there, experienced that, and let me tell you I did not cover myself in glory with the way I behaved. Shit, I had to go through this humiliation/heartbreak conga two more times with my friend before I finally accepted things. So I am here from the future to tell you: this will happen again, and it will be even worse for you the second time around. Not only will you lose your friendship – and apparently Amanda has the patience of The Buddha, but that ain’t infinite – but you will also be spending years trying to piece your self-esteem back together again.

Yeah, I know. It’s not what you wanted to hear. But trust me: it’s better you hear it from me, than to hear it from them. Because if you hear it from Amanda? That’s probably going to be the last you hear from her.

If you want to actually stay friends with Amanda and retain whatever’s left of your dignity? Make like Elsa and let it go.

Hey Doc,

Long time, first time. I need some advice about what to do and what to expect. A little under ten years ago, I was in a relationship with “Josie”. We dated for less than a year. I was head over heels for her, but she didn’t want anything serious, and eventually she broke up with me on one of the lowest points in my life. That wasn’t her fault, it was just really bad timing but I’d be lying if I said it didn’t mean I was pissed at her for a while, you know?

Well, years of no direct contact (other than my occasionally snooping on her Facebook and Instagram) and a lot of therapy later, she and I are back in contact again and now we’re talking about hanging out in person, maybe going for a drink and catching up.

So far, so good, yeah? Here’s the twist: I’ve dated other women and had other girlfriends since she and I broke up but I’ve never completely let go of Josie. She’s always been the one that got away, you know? Going into this I don’t know exactly how to feel or what to do. There’s still the part of me that’s thinking “So you’re saying there’s a chance”. At the same time, I don’t want to make an ass of myself or worse, reopen old wounds, yeah? And since Josie hasn’t exactly been sending me signs that she’s interested in getting together or anything I don’t want to set myself up for making a move just to get rejected a second time.

What’s the best way to handle this? And how do I feel out whether there’s an opportunity to try again without making things even more awkward?

Second Time Around

Ah, the ol’ One Who Got Away. This is a concept that’s brought down many a man before – myself included. One of the hardest lessons I had to learn back in my bad old days is that the idea of “The One That Got Away” is a mistake, a mental construct that ultimately only makes it harder for people to learn the necessary lessons from those relationships. The idea that they “got away” is a sort of permission structure, a mindset that allows us to avoid looking too closely at why the relationship ended or taking responsibility for our part of a relationship ending. The idea that “they got away” implies that if we’d just held on harder or loved harder or something, it wouldn’t have ended.

In reality, relationships end for a reason and our exes are our exes for a reason. Thinking of someone as The One That Got Away tends to paint the relationship with the hazy golden glow of nostalgia, a way of coating the mental lens with Vaseline and softening all the harsh edges and blurring the tough times.

Now, you say that you’ve gone through a lot of therapy since you and Josie broke up, STA. Hopefully that means you’ve actually confronted and come to terms with your side of things with the relationship. That’s going to be important for whatever happens between you and Josie in the present.

If you’re a long-time reader, then you should know my thoughts about whether it’s a good idea to get back with your ex and my five questions that you need to answer before you make the attempt. But in case you missed those – and for folks who’re just joining us – those questions are:

Question #1: Why did you break up in the first place?

Question #2: Has the reason why you broke up changed?

Question #3: Why now?

Question #4: Do you miss THEM, or do you miss what they represent?

Question #5: Are they right for you, NOW?

It’s important to do some serious, honest and blunt soul searching as you answer these. If you don’t make a serious, good faith effort to interrogate yourself and your feelings and just try to get the answer you want, then all that’s going to happen is that you’re going to have your heart broken a second time. If you’re lucky, you get rejected from the start and you get to deal with the lesser pain of waking up from the dream of getting back together with them. If you’re not… well, then you’re going to be getting the joy of experiencing the 12″ dance remix of your previous break-up: the same song, but faster and more intense.

So the first thing that I would suggest for you when it comes to this reunion, STA? Abandon all expectations and hopes. You should go into this without any agenda except seeing someone you haven’t seen in a decade. If you’re going into this with the ultimate hope that maybe you can relive the past and correct a past mistake, you’re going to end up disappointed if you’re lucky. The reason for this ties into the second thing I would recommend: go into this with the understanding that the person you’re meeting up with isn’t the Josie you dated all those years ago.

Part of why getting back with an ex is a mistake – especially years down the line – is because they’re responding to who their ex used to be. Their vision of their ex is who they were at the time when they dated, frozen in amber exactly as they were lo those many years ago. But they aren’t. In the intervening time since you and they broke up, they’ve grown, they’ve changed and they’re no longer the person you knew way back when. They’ve had different experiences, they’ve grown and they’ve changed. In a very real way, the dream of getting back with one’s ex is to pick up where you left off, like all that time and distance hadn’t happened. But it’s actually incredibly frustrating when people treat you as who you were, versus who you are now. Think of how annoying it is when your parents still treat you like you were in middle school or how exasperating it can be when they won’t acknowledge that you’ve grown and changed. Or if your friends won’t let go of some stupid thing you did when you were all younger and dumber.

Now imagine your ex treating you like that.

So if you want this reunion to be a success, go into this with the understanding that Josie is basically a different person now. There will definitely be parts of them that you remember – it’s incredibly rare that folks make a complete night-and-day transformation and are no hints of their past selves – but you’re going to be seeing the version of them that’s matured and refined themselves, softened some areas but added on others. I can guarantee you that over the course of the evening, she will say or do things that will surprise you and seem out of character for the person you used to know… just as you’re likely to do for her. The more that you can treat this as ‘getting to know someone new’, the easier it’ll be for the two of you to figure out what sort of relationship the two of you will have going forward… if you have one at all.

Third: be prepared to own your side of the break up. I’m good friends with a number of my exes, including ones who broke my heart. Being friends with them meant coming to terms with our break ups, processing and dealing with the pain and anger I felt, as well as any pain I’d caused or mistakes I’d made. This doesn’t mean wallowing in how awful you may have been, or acting like you did everything wrong and they were a perfect and pure angel… but it also means accepting that most break-ups happen because both parties contributed in one way or another. If you can be honest about your share, without either taking on too much responsibility or dodging it, the better things are likely to go.

Now, that doesn’t mean that you should go in ready to rehash the break up or the relationship – at least, not right off the bat. Maybe it’ll come up. Maybe it won’t. If it doesn’t, I’d advise leaving it for another time. I know a lot of folks will often meet up with their exes in order to re-litigate the old relationship in the name of “closure”, but often what they’re really looking for is validation. They want their ex to say “you’re right, I was the asshole and you were all that was good and pure and true” or “yes, you were the worst of the worst”; in the former, it absolves them of all responsibility, and in the latter it serves as fuel for their self-flagellation as penance for their sins. But at the end of the day, closure is something you give yourself. Nobody else can give it to you. So if you’re hoping that she’ll confess all of her sins in your relationship and beg your forgiveness… well, I’d let that go.

But if the two of you can have a frank and honest discussion and feel like you’re able to say “hey, things sucked back then, I’m sorry for my end of it” and move on? That’s a good sign that the two of you could have something going forward. Maybe not romance… but at least friendship.

The fourth thing I would suggest is to be very skeptical of things that you think are signs of interest. It’s like you said, STA: you still have a thing for your ex, and that’s going to color the way you see her behavior. Dickful thinking has lead a lot of folks to misinterpret friendliness or politeness because they’re hoping to see signs of attraction or romantic interest. It’s very understandable and very human, but it also heightens the odds of being crushed when you realize that no, those “clear signs” were nothing of the sort and you were doing a lot of rounding up. That doesn’t mean that it’s impossible that she might be interested in something… but you should be mindful of just how much your hopes can affect the way you interpret things.

Finally: take things slowly, no matter what happens. Yeah, you had a thing back in the day. Maybe you two burned with the passion of a thousand suns back then. But the magic words in this case are back then. You’re both different people now, and it’s easy to let the past bleed into the present and create the illusion of something that isn’t there. If you and Josie are going to have a relationship going forward, whether platonic friendship or something more, you want it to be based on who you are now and where you are now, not who you were in the past. After all, look how that ended up.

You don’t need to move at a snail’s pace, but you should move forward in a way that’s deliberate and measured. You both want to be sure of what you want, what you expect from one another and – importantly – what you both can give. It’s easy to fall for who someone once was. If you’re going to fall for each other, you should do so for who you are now. So take your time to get to know yourselves now, and treat this as a new relationship moving forward, not a continuation of one from the past.

Good luck.