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Dear Dr. NerdLove,
I need to get your opinion on something that’s happened to me several times now. Here’s what happens: I meet someone, we get along great, we start dating and have sex. Then we get to the point where we talk about what we’re into. It almost starts with her going first, then she asks me about what I like in bed, what my fantasies are, my kinks, stuff like that.
Then I tell her what I’m into or what I fantasize about and then I get an “ew” or something and then within a couple weeks we’ve broken up.
I don’t want to get into specifics, but my interests are pretty tame. They’re not vanilla, but it’s all pretty common, low-end beginner stuff. I’m not into anything dangerous (no blood play, choking), extreme (scat, piss) or nasty (age play, DD/LG, rape/noncon). And what pisses me off is that they asked and I’m being honest, so here I am trying to be real with them and I get smacked in the face for it.
What gives? Should I just stop telling the truth about what I’m into? Why do women keep asking me about my kinks when they don’t actually want me to tell them?
Just Being Honest
I wish you hadn’t declared that you weren’t going to get into details, JBH, because details like that are the sort of thing that can be pretty important. Your idea of “beginner kink” may not be the same as other peoples’, especially if they’re not used to kink or fetish play. People’s tastes vary, and you can’t really control for that.
You may think that foot worship – to pull a random example – isn’t a big deal. And in fairness, as far as kinks go, it’s pretty tame. But for a lot of folks, that’s a line they just can’t cross; they think feet are weird, or gross and the idea of doing anything sexual with someone’s feet squick them out. Or if you’re into restraints and spanking, they may assume that you’re pulling a 50 Shades of Gray and taking out your innate dislike or hate of your mother (or someone) on women. Or you might be into shibari or suspension and folks think that’s too weird/scary/dangerous/whatever.
But honestly? I don’t really think your kink is the problem here. I think the problem are the women you’re dating.
Right off the bat, I feel like you were caught in a trap of sorts. While it’s not reasonable to say “everyone has to be cool with everyone else’s interests no matter what”, there’s something unfair to my mind to ask somebody that you’re presumably dating and being intimate with to be vulnerable and honest and then to punish them for doing so. Asking someone about what they’re into or what they fantasize about and then saying “ew” or reacting with disgust is hurtful, especially when it’s something they specifically asked about. And it puts someone like you in an awkward position where if you tell them, you get this negative reaction, but if you don’t tell them then it’s worse. Either you downplay what you’re into, which means that you’re not being honest with them (and making it harder to bring up your kinks later) or you avoid the question or refuse to say, which just leaves the impression you’re into something awful.
So I take something of a dim view about asking somebody what they’re into when the only answer you’re willing to accept is some soft-focus, candle-lit, flowers-on-the-bed, slow-jazz-scored isn’t-it-so-romantic scenario and you’re going to get upset at them for not having your fantasy locked, loaded and ready to go. I’m a big believer in “your kink isn’t my kink and that’s ok,”. If you’re not into somebody’s particular flavor of ‘yum’, that’s totally fine. And while I’m a believer in what Dan Savage calls “being good, giving and game within reason”, that “within reason” part is going to be different for everyone.
But creating a situation of “I’m only willing to accept a narrow range of answers and if you don’t fit those, you’re bad” is fundamentally unfair. Especially when you (the generic ‘you’) are the one who brought it up in the first place.
I don’t think the problem is that you’re being honest. I think that in some ways, you’re almost being set up to fail. Maybe not intentionally or consciously, but the effect is the same.
I also think part of the problem is who you’re dating. If you’re a kinkster, even someone with tame kinks, you’re going to run into a lot of folks who just aren’t kinky. That’s just a demographic issue, and one a lot of kinksters run into; there’re more men in the kink scene than there are women. And depending on how old you are and how old the women you’re dating are and where you live, you may be dealing with a dating pool where most of the folks you meet are going to have negative views about kink.
So I think the first thing you may want to do is be more discerning about where you’re looking for potential partners and who you’re choosing to date. One option is, obviously, to make looking in the kink community a higher priority. Fetlife may not be a dating site per-se (it’s more akin to social media for kinky people), but you’re going to be dealing with a pool of people who’ve very deliberately opted in for meeting up with fellow kinksters. Similarly, some sites like Feeld or even OKCupid have options for people to signal that they’re interested in kink or curious about it; prioritizing those folks means you’re going to have fewer issues of folks rejecting you for your interests.
You might also want to bring up that you’re kinky or kink-adjacent in your dating profiles. Letting folks know that you’re kinky in your description means that folks who are cool with it or interested in it can find you, while folks who aren’t can swipe left and move on to people they are compatible with.
Now all that having been said, it’s also possible that the way you’re rolling things out is the issue. If you’re using in-group lingo (like foot worship/DD-LG, etc.) and the women you’re dating aren’t familiar with what those terms mean, you could be having a problem where they’re reacting to their ideas of what you do. A lot of people who aren’t more familiar with kink beyond what they see on PornHub (or hear about second or third hand) might be surprised to find out that bondage scenes tend to be scripted out in advance and are a collaboration between the sub and the dominant. Or they may not realize that kink relationships aren’t all 24/7; not everyone’s walking around in a collar or on a leash every day. So if you can roll things out a bit more genteelly, in less specialized or suggestive terms, then you might have a better time.
By that same token, you may want to emphasize what’s fantasy and what’s a “must have”. Sometimes the issue can be that what you’re saying is “here’s a thing I find exciting” or “I’d like to do this some day”, but what they’re hearing is “If you’re going to date me, you’re going to be spending a lot of time in my Red Room of Pain”. If it’s “I’d like to try X” or “I enjoy doing Y on occasion“, then they may be more willing to hear it out or even consider it. It’s much easier to take things in as a theoretical than if they worry that this conversation means that you’re expecting them to get into the harness right away.
This can be especially true if the reaction they have is a knee-jerk, automatic response that they’ve been conditioned to have, rather than a real dislike. Sometimes the conflict is what we’ve been acculturated to, rather than what we actually feel. When given a little time to process and think about it, the response we may have – especially if our partner is cool about it – can change to a “maybe” or even a “yes”.
It’s also worth being willing to consider your own reaction to her “ew”. Yeah I know, I just said that it’s not cool of them to do that, but this gets back to the knee-jerk response. If your behavior changes significantly after she responds that way – you get defensive or act hurt or angry or get passive-aggressive about it, then the issue may not be your kink so much as how you respond when being told “no”. If that is what’s ultimately triggering the break ups, then learning how to take things in stride is going to be important. Yeah, it stings to be vulnerable and get metaphorically smacked for it, but if you can demonstrate through your actions that you’re a good guy who cares about his partner’s comfort and interests? That no could be a yes in time. After all, not everyone was born kinky. Some folks got into kink because they fell in love with a kinky person and got into it because their partner liked it. If you want to maximize the chances of this happening to you? Be ready to roll with the “ew” and not get bent out of shape about it. That may be the difference between breaking up and your girlfriend deciding she wants to hear more, in time.
Good luck.
Dear Dr. NerdLove,
I am writing you with the hope you can help me. I’m a woman in my mid-twenties, recently married to my boyfriend of 6+ years. I love him very much and the sole reason for this letter is my hope that I can love him even better, so please, hear me out.
In my first year of college, I met a guy (let’s call him PC) that I had a crush on. He was a bit introverted and very smart with a special kind of humor that I really like.
Since I was never passive in the love field, I started talking to PC and his group of friends and managed to get to know him better. Once, after ~4 months, we were alone and talking about a movie that we both planned to watch. So, I used the opportunity and asked PC if he wanted to go with me. But, he said that he already had plans to go with a (male) friend and did not suggest anything else. Naturally, I interpreted this as “Ok, unfortunately not interested in you…”, was a bit sad, but moved along and lessened my contact with PC.
Later that year I met my now husband (let’s call him H). I immediately liked him and did not think of the previous crush at all. However, after a month of dating H, I met PC in the faculty hall. He seemed happy to see me and after a little bit of polite chat, he asked me if I was up for a coffee at the nearby cafe (?!). I was surprised but said I don’t have the time and left. Thought to myself “Well, you’re late”, went home and did not think much of it. PC and I have not talked after that, except for the occasional “Hi, how are you?”, etc.
Fast forward, to the pandemic and post-pandemic time. Due to circumstances, a new group of friends formed, and part of it was PC and me, while my boyfriend H was initially not interested in joining us. PC now looks even better and is even more confident, so time did him good.
Unfortunately, old fires have risen, ignited by the fact that I am quite sure that PC likes me (all the signs that you, doctor, attribute to a guy having a crush on a girl are there…). I read a lot about how to stop these kinds of thoughts, and they do work while I’m awake, but I dream of PC every 2-3 nights. If only those were erotic dreams (these I know how to live with) but in them PC and I always talk or hug, or hold hands… Yikes.
Every morning I feel like I’m unconsciously cheating my H. I thought that these dreams are maybe caused by the approaching wedding of me and H and that they would pass afterward, but nope.
Should I talk to PC and resolve what has (not) happened years ago? Would even talking about that behind H’s back be wrong? Should I abandon this group of friends? I usually talk to H about anything, but I feel this would just (a) hurt him and (b) make we both leave this group of friends since H has recently started joining our meetings (although PC has never shown up at these occasions..).
AND the question that bothers me the most is: does this mean that I don’t know how to be faithful, heart & soul & mind, to one man? I am worried that such problems would only get worse when H and I start a long-distance marriage, due to his future work obligations.
NOTE: We are all nerds; myself, PC, H, and all of our friends. That’s why I’m writing to you.
Please, help me Dr.
Yours,
Troubled Young Wife
Please repeat after me: “Crushes just happen to everyone and dreams are just dreams. They don’t mean anything.” Repeat this until you actually believe it.
Look, I’m not gonna lie, TYW, I get letters like yours all the time, and they all run more or less the same way: someone in a monogamous relationship realizes they’re attracted (or still attracted) to someone who isn’t their partner, they have sweaty dreams about their crush and then feel guilty because they feel like they’ve done something wrong… somehow.
But the truth of the matter is that crushes just happen. They happen to people all the time and across all walks of life, to people who are single and people who are in relationships. Hell, sometimes we get crushes on people we actively loathe and let me tell you, those can be confusing. It doesn’t mean that there’s something wrong with your relationship, it doesn’t mean that you don’t love your partner or that you love the other person more and it doesn’t mean that you’re doing anything wrong. It means you’re a mammal with a libido, end of story.
The same with dreams. Dreams are noise; they’re your brain dumping shit while it defrags at night. Sometimes they end up being about things we’ve devoted a lot of bandwidth to, sometimes they’re pure gibberish that we attempt to apply meaning to. You don’t have control over what you dream, nor do things that happen in your dreams mean anything in the real world. The only time they do is if you give them that meaning and import. So having dreams about holding hands and snuggling with PC means about as much to your relationship with H as the dream I had last night about watching Hadestown with Seanan McGuire, Ryan Reynolds and Dorian from Dragon Age: Inquisition.
(Which, admittedly, would be only slightly less entertaining than if it were Iron Bull. Or Dorian from Critical Role).
I don’t think there’s really anything to “resolve” or to talk about with PC, if I’m being honest. It seems like a fairly cut and dried situation; you were into him, he didn’t seem to be into you and you moved on. There’s not really much else to talk about. That doesn’t mean that the door was slammed on finding him (or his finding you) attractive, but it certainly doesn’t suggest that you need to talk things through in some attempt to get closure. Not, that is, unless you’re hoping for something other than closure.
Here’s the thing: the key to dealing with an inconvenient crush is to do nothing. Yeah, I know, that seems counter-intuitive, but honestly, crushes will go away if you don’t pay attention to them. The reason why crushes can seem to linger is that people tend to get hung up on them. They’re always thinking about the crush (and the person they have a crush on), they’re running scenarios in their heads or trying to figure out What It All Means. Well, spoiler alert: It means you find other people attractive. Period, end of sentence. That’s gonna be true for pretty much your entire life. Same with H, same with me, same with…. pretty much everyone. Hell, even asexual and aromantic folks get crushes on occasion. If you just acknowledge that you get some squishy feels about PC on occasion and then just let that feeling be, it will fade in time. Crushes are like fires; don’t feed them fuel and they go out on their own. Some take a bit longer than others, but they all fade eventually.
But the key is, as I said, to not feed them. The more you obsess about it, the more you feed it. The more you decide that you need to “talk it out”, the more you feed it. And if you keep feeding it up to the time when your husband has to go out of town for work? Well, that is what we in the advice-columnist biz call “putting yourself in the path of temptation”. I’m not saying that you’re doomed to cheat on your husband, but I am saying that if you keep letting your crush on PC occupy your every waking thought and you spend more alone time with PC – trying to get closure or otherwise – then you’re giving yourself disadvantage on your Wisdom saving throws.
And no, I’m not saying the answer is to avoid ever being alone with PC. I’m saying the answer is to acknowledge your crush and then gently redirect your thoughts elsewhere instead of focusing on “Oh no, I’M FEELING THINGS”.
That having been said, there is one thing I would suggest: take the energy that you’re getting from your crush, enjoy it… and plow it into you relationship with H. If thinking about PC is getting you rev’d up or putting you in a lovey-dovey, wanna-cuddle mood, take that energy and use it with H. You’ll enjoy it, H will enjoy it, you’ll both feel closer and more fulfilled and your crush on PC will fade in time.
Good luck.
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