Estimated reading time: 17 minutes
Hi Doc,
I’ve written to you in the past with dating questions and you’ve been super helpful, but now I find myself in a new situation unrelated to my romantic life I have no idea how to navigate and I was hoping you could help me too. I’m (34 F) super close with my family, specially my mother’s side. My grandparents were very present in my life when growing up, the helped raise me, spoiled me, did all the things grandparents were supposed to do. When I was a teenager I found out that my grandpa wasn’t the best dad and husband when my mom was growing up (cheated on my grandma, was a bit absent, drank a bit too much), but everybody let it slide because “everybody was like that” back then. I also brushed it off because even if he wasn’t the best father, he was a very loving grandfather and thought that people are capable of changing and growing.
Fast forward to now. My grandmother died a little over a year ago, it was really hard on all of us. It was especially hard on my grandpa obviously, because even if he wasn’t the best husband, he still loved her and she took care of him, he totally depended on her. He has her picture up on his nightstand with candles and flowers, talks about her all the time, and shares photos of her every day on the family group chat.
I’ve been living in another city for more than 10 years and I just went back home with my new boyfriend so he could meet my family. We had a great time, and we spent a lot of time with my grandpa. We has breakfast together, had a family party, did karaoke, then after the weekend he got a small surgery that went well and I kept him company for a while. I flew back home feeling really happy and thankful for my family.
And now I found out by accident that my dear, sweet, 82 year-old grandpa has a new girlfriend. A 28 year-old girlfriend. I don’t know who she is, how they met or even her name, I don’t want to know. I just know my mom found out by accident when she saw them making out in the background of somebody else’s Instagram story (my grandpa loves parties and has a very active social life). I may be overreacting, but I feel sick to my stomach.
I can no longer see him as my sweet loving grandpa. I don’t know if I see him as a disgusting predator, a pathetic lonely man who got swindled by a gold digger, or both. I know they are consenting adults but it just feels so messed up. Obviously my family disapproves and tried to talk sense into him, to no avail. My mom even threatened to cut him off (my parents support my grandpa and bought him a house that’s under my mom’s name) but he won’t listen.
I always knew he has little-to-none emotional intelligence and self-awareness (like many men from his generation) and that he’s probably still grieving and doesn’t want to deal with his emotions. It’s probably too late for him to go to therapy and work some of his shit out and learn how to feel his feelings. I’m trying to be understanding about how he must be feeling but I just can’t help to lose respect for him and somehow feel betrayed.
I’m dreading coming home for the holidays, I don’t want to see him, I don’t even know if I should address it since he still thinks I don’t know about his child girlfriend. How do I navigate this? I want to be ok with this because I love him and I don’t know how many years he has left, but on the other hand I’m so angry and disgusted.
I know there’s nothing I can say to make him leave her, but what do I do? Do I talk to him, or do I sweep it under the rug and act like everything is ok?
Thank you for listening,
Stepgranchild of a Child
Alright SGOAC, before I get into this I want to push back on the way you’re framing things: the person your grandfather is apparently seeing isn’t a child. She’s 28 years old. That’s not much younger than you. She’s hardly some naïf or some babe in the woods, too innocent to understand the ways of men. I understand that the age difference is shocking to you, and it is extreme, but let’s keep their actual ages in mind, here. Infantilizing a grown-ass woman who’s well above the age of consent, the legal drinking age in the US and the age to rent a car doesn’t help anyone.
In the spirit of honesty, I’m going to say that I tend to roll my eyes at a lot of age gap discourse that I see online. While a significant age gap between partners can be distasteful and it’s part and parcel of the (false) societal messaging that women past a certain age are less desirable, a lot of the discourse revolves around the idea that adult women are incapable of understanding the consequences of their actions, as opposed to knowing exactly what they’re doing and having their own reasons for doing so. Either we accept that people over the age of 18 are free to make their own decisions, even if we disagree with them, or else the next conversation would need to be “so where do we set the age of consent?” and “how do we protect these poor women who can’t help but be coerced by others?” But if we’re not going to actually make that an issue, then we have to accept that while we can side-eye the fuck out of people’s choices, they still have the right to make ‘em.
Now that out of the way: I’m not sure there’s a problem here outside of people finding it icky. Yeah, a 50 year difference in ages is a lot, no question there. You have reason to believe this likely not a love connection. But you don’t mention anything other than the age that would make this relationship a problem.
I would assume, for example, that if your grandfather was having issues with dementia or other issues that would affect his judgement and decision making, you would mention it. Similarly, if there were reason to believe she were after his money – or if he had assets for her to go after – you would mention that as well.
So… outside of age and the sudden and shocking discovery that your grandfather is still a sexual being, what is the issue here? I’m not being flip or sarcastic. I’m being absolutely sincere – is there genuine reason to be concerned outside of how this makes you feel?
You mention that it’s been over a year since your grandmother passed away and your grandfather – poor husband though he may have been – loved her dearly. While he may still be in mourning, that doesn’t mean that he’s incapable of feeling anything other than sadness. Being old doesn’t mean that he’s become asexual, or that has no need for companionship and intimacy besides his family, after all. I don’t want to hammer away at what’s obviously squicking you out, but the elderly are still sexual beings. We do them a disservice by pretending that desire and sexuality vanish after a certain age, or that seniors don’t have sex lives and romantic lives… including sex lives that may include people who might be young enough to be their grandchild.
I suspect that a lot of what you and your family are feeling has as much to do with the incredible shock of how you found out about this – seeing gramps sucking face with a woman literally less than his age – and feelings of betrayal of seeing him having an intimate moment with someone who isn’t your grandmother. That’s an entirely understandable reaction. The former must have been like getting a bucket full of ice water to the face, while the latter must have bubbled up moments afterwards. The sheer surprise of it all is the sort of thing that would make most people’s brains vapor lock while they try to process it.
And to be sure: your feelings of betrayal and disgust are real. They’re absolutely valid. I’m not going to tell you that you shouldn’t be feeling them nor am I going to tell you that you’re wrong for feeling them. However, I think it’s important to recognize that you are feeling them and that they can affect the way you’re seeing things or the way you’re interpreting his behavior. Taking a moment to ask why you’re seeing this as a sign that’s something wrong, and examining those feelings is important.
You mention that you worry that this is him trying to ignore his grief or that he needs therapy… but just between you, me and everyone reading this: would you be having the same reaction if he were apparently seeing someone in her 40s? Her 50s? Her 70s? Would you feel like he’s ignoring his grief or lacking emotional intelligence if it were someone more age-appropriate? Or is it truly down to the difference between his age and hers? As I said: how much of this is born out of worry for his security and safety, or for this woman’s for that matter, and how much of it is down to this being a visceral reaction to seeing your grandfather in a way you never thought of before? How much is it a feeling of loyalty to your grandmother’s memory and how much – and I mean this with compassion – would you still be feeling if it weren’t down to the ick factor?
Now that it’s less immediate and everyone had a chance for everyone to cool off, it’s a good time to stop and take stock of the situation and really dig into how you and your family feel, before you decide what to do next. Making decisions when you’re in the middle of having a strong visceral response means that a lot of times we make decisions based on how we feel in that moment, rather than what would actually be best for everyone involved.
There are a couple things I think you should do. To start with, I think you – or rather, your parents, since they’re the ones supporting him economically – should talk to him about this relationship. Ask him how this started, how they met, how it became physical and what he thinks of this relationship. Is this a fling because he’s lonely and horny, or does he think this is true love? Is there more here besides being physical? Is he giving her money or gifts, especially things he can’t afford on a fixed income? Is he living beyond his means trying to make her happy? Or does he have things more or less under control?
As hard as it may be, it’s going to be important for you and your parents to be as calm, collected and non-judgmental as possible when you (or they) ask these questions. As I’m sure you know, getting angry, making accusations or demands are more likely to make him defensive and to dig in. If you all can come to this from a place of concerned curiosity and an understanding that he’s an adult who can make his own decisions, it will be far more productive for everyone involved.
It will also be much easier to determine whether there actually are problems here – such as if he’s dealing with some form of dementia and disinhibition. But if he’s not… well, like I said: people can disapprove all they want, but those are two grown, consenting adults.
To be clear: I think confronting him with an eye towards trying to force him to dump her is not only the wrong choice, but it’s also going to be counterproductive. At best, he’s going to get better at hiding things. At worst, you’re going to find that this just serves to push him away, and likely closer to her. Especially if your parents decide to cut him off financially. If you want to make sure that everything is on the up and up, or you want to make sure he’s not being taken advantage of, then it’s going to be much more important to try to be understanding and sympathetic. Otherwise, you’re going to lose access to him and any leverage you might have to help him as needed.
(And honestly, “kicking Grandpa out of his home because we don’t approve of his girlfriend” is some cold shit to do.)
But as for yourself and your own feelings about this? Honestly, I think the best thing you can do is take some time, feel the fuck out of your feels, process them and do your best to come out on the other side. If – and again, I assume you would have said – there’s no reason to be concerned besides just the age gap, then this really becomes a you problem, not a him problem. He’s still your grandfather, still the same person he ever was… just as flawed and human as before. The only real difference is that now you see a different side to him. It’s a side that you might’ve been happier never knowing about, sure, but it’s still him. It may take some time (and possibly a lot of brain bleach) to reconcile this knowledge with your memories of him, but he’s still your grandfather.
And to be sure: this doesn’t mean that you need a relationship with this woman – assuming that she’s going to be around for long – or that you need to give it your blessing. You can accept it without approving. But you still are going to have to accept it because the alternative is giving up your grandfather… and I don’t think you want to do that, nor do you need to.
It’s an unpleasant situation, to be sure, and I’m sorry that you’re going through it. But I think, in the cold light of day, it’s not as bad as you fear. Just distasteful.
Good luck.
Dear Dr. NerdLove:
I’m a 30 year old male, living on my own and mostly independent. I’m also in college after 8 years, continuing my education. When it comes to public things or social situations, I tend to get overwhelmed after a while and just stand around hoping someone picks me out of the crowd. I’ve been on some dates throughout my life and was in a brief relationship, I also quit pornography last month which was challenging. But sometimes I don’t even know what the hell “just be yourself” means and it seems so vague coming from someone who has a bit of social anxiety.
How can one “just be themselves” if they’re afraid of rejection or introverted? So 90% of the time I’m just waiting around for serendipity or something out of the blue to happen. And I also have these thoughts of becoming Jeffrey Dahmer if nothing happens in 5 years from now.
Holding Up The Wall
OK, we’re going to tackle these in no particular order, HUW, starting with “Just Be Yourself”.
Just being yourself is just that: you want to be yourself, not to try to be someone that you’re not in order to partner up with somebody. We as a species are very bad at lying and pretending; the dissonance between who we actually are and who we’re trying to pretend to be causes all sorts of issues. At best, it’s incredibly stressful to keep the false front up at all times. At worst… well, there’re reasons why a lot of the people I knew in the pick-up scene had mental and emotional breakdowns.
But being yourself doesn’t mean that you’re static and unchanging or that you’re stuck being someone you don’t like being. It means that you’re authentic to yourself, not that you step outside of time and never grow. “You” are a fluid concept, and that definition of “you” can grow, change and improve… but if you want to do this in a healthy manner, then it needs to be in alignment with your best self. So, getting treatment for your anxiety would not be going against the idea of “being yourself”, nor would discovering sides of you that you weren’t aware existed. Or you may discover that things that were true years ago are not true now – anything from your taste in clothes and music to the people you’re attracted to.
Similarly, discomfort is different from not “being yourself”. Something may be outside of your comfort zone, sure, but that doesn’t mean it’s not organic or authentic to who you are. It’s just that you haven’t given it a chance to be part of you or for you to allow your sense of self to grow to accommodate it.
Which brings us to things like waiting around for other people to notice you. Serendipity and luck are great, don’t get me wrong. But they both are far more effective when you put yourself into serendipity’s path, rather than hiding and hoping that it’ll find you.
Part of the problem of waiting around for someone else to notice you is that you’re going to be waiting for a long, long time. While making sure the walls don’t fall in and crush everyone is a noble calling, it also means that you’re not doing the things that would make serendipity more likely to happen. You’re not, for example, being approachable or sending out signals that you’re someone that people should want to talk to. Quite the opposite, in fact.
More often than not, if you’re standing at the fringes and not interacting with anyone or just staring at your phone or your shoes, then you’re giving off “do not disturb” signs. Most people are going to take that at face value; they’re going to assume that you don’t want to be bothered, rather than you’re lonely and quietly dying inside. And even the folks who might see you and take pity aren’t necessarily going to interested in committing to more than getting you involved in the party. They’re certainly not signing up to be your social sherpa and do all the heavy lifting.
If you want folks to approach you, then you have to make a point of not just being approachable, but giving them a reason to want to stick around and talk. The guy with closed off body language who’s responding to everything in one or two word answers ain’t that. Someone who is, at least, having a good time, looking around the room, making eye contact with folks and smiling is going to be more inviting. The guy who does those things and actively (and happily) engages with folks who do come over is going to do better.
But if you’re hoping that standing around is going to get the “must rescue the lonely puppy” vibe going… well, you’re dealing with a very small number of people and even fewer who won’t be expecting you to hold up your end of things too.
Which brings us to those feelings of overwhelm and anxiety – not to mention the vague “I’m going to become a serial killer and memetic cannibal” bits at the end of your letter. It sounds to me like dealing with your social anxiety should be a higher priority than worrying about being single. As I’ve said before, luck is the intersection of random chance, preparation and opportunity. You’re much more likely to get lucky when you’re putting yourself out there, because you’re putting yourself in places where opportunity is more likely to happen. If you’re not in those places and, instead, you’re either holding up the wall or keeping vigil in your apartment, then the opportunities aren’t going to happen for you. And if you’re not prepared to take full advantage of those opportunities when they crop up… well, you’re not going to reap the benefits of being lucky.
So, as I’m always saying: if you want things to be different, you’re going to have to do things differently. And one of the things I think you should be doing differently is working on getting your social anxiety under control. This may mean forms of talk therapy, medication, journaling and paying attention to your triggers or all of the above. Managing the anxiety will make it that much easier to step away from the wall and find ways to keep from being overwhelmed by all the people, which will, in turn, make it much easier to meet people who are in the mood to meet you.
Getting that under control would then mean that this new concept of “you” would be in a better position to be warmer, more engaging and better able to connect with the people around you. That, in turn, makes it much more likely that you’re going to meet new, cool people, find new friends and possibly even new partners.
But that’s going to require your deciding to make those changes and committing to the process. It’s not quick, it’s not easy and the rewards aren’t always immediate, nor are they always obvious. It can take time, and the benefits may not come in the form that you might expect. But the ways they improve your life can’t be denied.
So if you’re really worried about where you’ll be in five years, then it’s time to start now. Think of it as the kindness you’re doing to your future self; you’re setting him up to have an incredible life, full of things that you can’t imagine yourself doing as you are today.
Start taking those steps now and that version of you will arrive sooner than you can believe.
Good luck.
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