Our Relationship Fell Apart. What Did I Do Wrong?

Estimated reading time: 14 minutes

Hey Dr.NerdLove:

I recently met this great woman a few months ago. For the first two months things were going great. Initially we had kept this a secret from our friend group as we thought we could do without people gossiping (a big thing in my culture). I should mention here that me and her are from different cultural backgrounds, which may have something to do with the ending of this story (spoiler alert). Due to the nature of her work she was supposed to travel back to her country for good, but I also happened to be planning to go there for work. Nevertheless I was aware that what we had was temporary and was ready to deal with her eventual departure, at least on an intellectual level. She always told me that she was not looking for a monogamous relationship and neither was I, but it always felt like she insisted on bringing it up a lot which was a little uncomfortable for me.

She eventually went back home for Christmas and we stayed in touch the whole time, texting almost everyday and looking forward to seeing each other. We agreed to meet for a beach trip for a few days with some friends. It was nice seeing her again but for some reason it felt different slightly distant but that night we had a conversation about her time back home and things felt like they were before she traveled. A few days later I decided to tell her that I liked her and I couldn’t help but feel instant regret, she asked me what that means and I told her I didn’t expect anything from her (not a relationship and not even reciprocation) I just wanted to express how I enjoy her company and the time we spent, she then told me that the feeling was mutual.

However the days following that made me regret being vulnerable in that moment, whenever we were in a group setting I couldn’t help but feel she was avoiding eye contact with me, sat away from me, and like she was flirting with some of our other friends or being friendlier than usual. It was painful to have see that days after I expressed my feelings, but at the end of the night she would lay next to me in bed and I would forget about it even though we weren’t being more intimate than cuddling. I spoke to her about it and she said her social battery was drained by the end of the day and that she was careful about touching me or being too close to me in public because the country we’re in is conservative (valid reasoning there). When I asked her if anything was going on between her and our friend she denied it. This continued throughout the trip and I honestly felt like shit the whole time because I wanted to get closer to her.

During her last month in the country I felt her slowly pulling away and at some point I asked her directly if she was seeing someone else and that I’d be ok with it but that I’d just need to know. She said that she wasn’t and that she would tell me if she was (I told her I’d do the same). We would still meet regularly but at some point I felt like I was an item on her to-do list, I told her that I felt ignored and she told me not to take it personally, that she was overwhelmed with everything and that she simply didn’t have the energy for anything (it’s true she did have a lot on her plate).

One of these nights I woke up in the middle of the night next to her and was about to go home because I felt lonely even though she was right there, but I remember my friend telling me this was my pride being hurt because we weren’t spending as much time during her last days here together as I had expected. I decided against leaving and she asked me about it in the morning because she felt me moving at night, when I told her she said it would have been very painful for her if I had done that, so I’m glad I didn’t do it.

On her last day I told her I was gonna miss her on the phone after I dropped her off at the airport and she was just quiet, radio silence. I repeated it again thinking she might not have heard me and she said she did. she tried to change the subject and then we eventually just said goodbye. I know she doesn’t owe me anything and that I might have been needy but part of me just thinks it was a bad idea being vulnerable with her, that things would’ve been better if I hadn’t or that I at least would’ve felt better about myself at the end. I know she was going through a lot and I would always listen to her when she needed it (she did the same for me) but at the end it was just too painful. Maybe I just liked her more than she liked me, was it a mistake?

Too Much Too Soon?

That’s a rough one, my dude, and I’m sorry you went through that.

So I don’t know if you’d necessarily call this a “good news/bad news” sort of situation, or a “could be worse”, one but I don’t think that any long-term relationship was going to be in the cards for the two of you, regardless of what you did.

However, I think you ended up shooting yourself in the foot and missed out on what could’ve been a great short term relationship.

I spotted the mistake you made pretty much right off the bat. And to be fair: this is a mistake I can empathize over, because I’ve made it myself. I’ve talked before about how I’ve snatched defeat from the jaws of victory before by not paying attention to what my dates or partners were telling me. Many times, it wasn’t because I didn’t understand so much as “didn’t want to hear it”, and I think you fell into making a similar error. You missed what your friend was saying when she was saying that she didn’t want an exclusive relationship. In fact, you missed it so much that she felt obligated to say it several times, in hopes that you’d understand.

So the odds are good that something about your behavior was suggesting that you weren’t on board with the “not looking for a monogamous relationship” thing and she was trying to draw your attention to it. It’s hard to say exactly what it was since I wasn’t there – though I have some guesses – but the way you were behaving was suggesting that you were seeing this as something that was becoming more serious, not the casual relationship that she wanted.

The thing is: whatever you were doing didn’t change, and that was starting to push against the limits that you two agreed to. The fact that you clearly wanted more than she was willing or able to give, and that you wanted a different relationship than the one you had was creating issues, and the prospect of having a conversation about it was likely one she found uncomfortable. It would’ve been great if she could’ve said, straight up, “hey, you’re doing X, and that makes me think that you’re wanting more than what we said this was.” At the very least, it might have either given you the chance to course correct or to end the relationship on less melancholy terms. But she didn’t, and things played out the way they did.

Now I think the point of no return happened when you confessed your feelings to her. I’m willing to bet that she at least suspected you felt that way; the reminders that you were non-monogamous and the “what do you mean by that” are pretty solid give-aways. But I think this is what tipped things for both of you.
She was almost certainly starting to pull back – having less time for you, being less demonstrative and so on – and you picked up on it on some level. And then you – like I, and like so many others have before you – threw your Hail Mary and hoped for the best.

And – as with those who came before you – it didn’t work. If anything, it solidified that the end of the relationship was coming sooner, rather than later. Whether you intended it or not, I suspect she took your confessing your feelings as the sign that you still wanted more than she was able to give. And if you were feeling weird or jealous over seeing her maybe-flirt-maybe-not with the other guy… well, you were likely broadcasting that, too.

Now I don’t think that this means she didn’t like you as much as you liked her. If she didn’t like you, she wouldn’t have given you the reminders that she did. I think what ultimately happened is that you wanted or needed something from this relationship that she didn’t want or couldn’t give. I think this would’ve ended eventually – likely when she went back to her home country – but under slightly different circumstances if you hadn’t missed the wave-off she was giving you.

So I suspect this was as much a matter of incompatibility as anything.

Now if you want advice for going forward… well, I think the best thing you could do for yourself is ask if you’re really cut out for a casual or non-monogamous relationship. If you aren’t – and hey, there’s no shame in that! – then agreeing to one is a bad idea. I’ve seen folks who decide to pursue a poly or non-monogamous relationships because they think its the only way they can be with someone and it rarely works well, especially if it’s a brand new relationship. Better to pass on a relationship style that doesn’t work for you, even if you really like the other person, than to deal with the unnecessary and avoidable heartache that would come bundled with it.

Beyond that? If someone is reminding you multiple times about something in your relationship? That usually a sign that you need to pay attention to how you’re acting and how you’re feeling… because something you’re doing is sending the message that maybe you’re not ok with whatever you agreed to.

It’s a sad situation, my guy, and I’m sorry you went through it. Take this as an opportunity to learn a bit more about yourself and what you want and need from a relationship, to be more in tune with your feelings and your behavior. Next time, you won’t make the same mistakes, and things will turn out better for everyone.

Good luck.

Hello Doc, long time reader, first time writer here. So I’m having a problem with a work crush, but it’s a bit deeper than that. I always assumed my crush – let’s call her “Mia” – had something going on with another coworker named “Jack”, so I didn’t even consider asking her out. I was just going to let my crush run its course and move on.

But then Jack himself suggested that I ask Mia out, and the idea kind of stuck. I went about working up my courage and looking for a good opportunity to ask her out. It turns out we both like to draw, so I’d planned to invite her to a figure drawing session (she seemed pretty enthusiastic when I told her about the group) with the hopes of asking her out to lunch afterwards.

The flaw with this approach was that there wasn’t a drawing session scheduled through much of December or January because of the holidays (I should have just asked her out to someplace else, lesson learned). And in the meantime, I found out that there actually WAS something between Jack and Mia all along. Jack and some of the other dudes at work had tried to keep me in the dark, but I caught on and confronted Jack directly about it.

He was pretty cagey about it but two phrases he repeated during his rambling explanation were “it’s not really like that,” (he wouldn’t say what it WAS like) and “she’s not my girl, I don’t own her.” He also said “the race ain’t over til it’s over,” like he was still encouraging me to ask her out. Confusingly, he also said that the two of them were involved before he knew that I liked her, which makes me wonder why he suggested I go after her in the first place. I truly cannot fathom why he would fuck with my head like that, but I supposed wondering about it is just going to fuck with my head even more.

But that leaves me in a difficult position with Mia. I do like her and I feel like I owe it to myself to ask her out at this point, but it feels like walking into a minefield. Whatever she has going on with Jack doesn’t seem serious to him, but for all I know, it could be serious to her. Worse, I think Jack may have told Mia about my confronting him, because it seemed like she was avoiding me the next day – could be my imagination, though, the deception has made it hard to trust anything in this scenario.

Yet another wrinkle is that Jack is leaving for a new job soon (if he passes background check – he has a criminal record). I think it might be easier to ask Mia out without him around, but I also worry their relationship may intensify if they’re no longer working together; and a minor point, but Valentine’s Day does fall within his two week’s notice.

So my head has been fucked with and my overactive imagination clearly isn’t helping, but it seems like I have three main options:

1) Forget about ever dating Mia and move on
2) Ask Mia out ASAP before her relationship with Jack intensifies
3) Wait for Jack to start his new job and hope things peter out between them (and explore other dating options in the meantime)

I’m sure you’ll probably suggest a superior option that I hadn’t considered, which I’d love to hear. I know dating co-workers is messy anyway, but the desire has already set in. I’m also well aware that this may not be answered until after Jack’s two week’s notice has passed and he’s started his new job, but if others find themselves in this incredibly specific situation down the line, well, maybe this can be helpful for posterity.

Thank you,
Heart & Head Working Overtime

OK, not gonna lie: Jack’s behavior is a bit weird. But weird doesn’t necessarily mean “malicious”, nor does his being weird about things with Mia mean that he’s deliberately fucking with your head.

Hanlon’s Razor famously suggests to never assume malice when ignorance is equally likely. I would suggest that as a corollary to this: sometimes it’s not ignorance as much as just awkwardness. Even if Jack’s a smooth operator when it comes to meeting and dating the ladies, that doesn’t mean he’s going to actually be the most articulate, emotionally intelligent or otherwise coherent guy when it comes to interpersonal relationships. Possibly even especially when it comes to those.

Part of the issue here is that you’re stuck in your own head and scrambling for answers. It’s worth remembering that just because you see these scenarios, that doesn’t mean that they’re the only ones that are possible, or that they’re even that likely to occur. You’re assuming a lot of facts not in evidence based more on vibes and suppositions than anything else. You don’t know how Mia feels; you’re filling in a lot of empty space here in part because you like Mia and you don’t like Jack. It’s easier to mentally assign her the role of the put-upon innocent who cares for a cad boyfriend who doesn’t give a damn about her than to see it as, say, two people who just like fucking and aren’t serious about one another.

In other words: you don’t know what you don’t know, and you’re jumping to conclusions with no actual reasoning behind them, just vibes.

The likeliest scenario I can see here is that Mia and Jack have a casual thing going on and they’ve been keeping it on the down low – as many do when they hook up at work. Jack isn’t that serious about Mia, especially since he’s got one foot out the door, and isn’t going to get in the way if Mia wants to pursue something with someone else. It’s even possible that Jack’s trying to be a bro and say “hey, if you want to shoot your shot, I’m not going to get in your way.”

It’s also possible that Jack wants out of whatever he’s got going on with her and your hooking up with Mia would provide the smoothest possible transition for him, rather than just dumping her and causing a scene.

But ultimately? Very little of that matters. What you need to do is stop making decisions for Mia based on nothing but vibes and focus on what you want. Do you actually want to ask Mia out on a date? Leave Jack out of the equation and ask yourself, Mia: yes or no? If the answer is “yes”, then ask her out on a date, straight up. Not any of this “do X activity so I can segue into asking for a date” hiding-your-intentions shit, just ask for a date, a specific activity at a specific place and time – something that she can say yes or no to. She’ll either say yes she’d love to, no she’s not interested or she’s seeing somebody. There you go, problem solved. One way or another, you’ve got an answer and you can move on.

Unless Jack is very weirdly manipulative or plays a very odd long game, I think you can just take his weirdness as just that: weirdness. Being smooth or successful in one area doesn’t mean that you’re going to be smooth in all areas. Unless you have actual reason to believe that Jack’s a game player or a bully or otherwise malicious, I think you can take him at face value. Even if he’s a bit awkward about it.

But, going forward? Try to focus on what you actually know, try to be mindful of the areas that you don’t know as best you can, and don’t draw too many conclusions based solely on suppositions. Sometimes you can end up talking yourself into missing what would have otherwise been incredible opportunities.

Good luck.