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When I talk about boundaries with clients that struggle people pleasing or perfectionism, I can see their faces clench up. They get uncomfortable because somewhere they were taught that having boundaries as being needy versus having needs. As a recovering perfectionist, I get it.
But that thinking is far from the truth! Without boundaries you lose your voice and your inability to get your needs met. To have that harmonious relationship you always dreamed of, It’s essential to approach dating with a clear head and a strong sense of self. This means understanding what you need and require to make you happy in a relationship, as well as setting healthy boundaries to protect yourself.
Remember that healthy boundaries are a two-way street – not only do you need to communicate yours, but you also need to hear and respect your date’s boundaries as well.
Having healthy boundaries in place in the early stages of dating can make the experience all more rewarding. So, take a deep breath and let’s talk about the five steps to help you create better boundaries.
Step #1: Know your boundaries aka your non-negotiables
In my Conscious Dating Workshop, we develop a list of clear non-negotiables in a relationship. Usually clients come up with 10 to 15 of them. If you find yourself with only 3 or 100, then there is a big issue. You might be unclear of what you really require to make you happy. The danger is that you won’t screen enough or you will be too picky and screen someone out for the wrong reasons.
Before you start dating, it’s essential to identify your non-negotiables. What are you comfortable with, and what are your deal-breakers? How do you want to be communicated with during conflict? Do you believe in marriage or want just a lifetime partner?
Knowing your boundaries is the first step to asking the right questions and let you know if someone is overstepping your boundaries or vice versa. Once you have identified them, you can communicate them together and collaborate with a win/win solution.
For more help discovering your non-negotiables, check out this video.
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Step #2 Communicate your boundaries
Once you have identified your boundaries, it’s essential to communicate them when someone unknowingly crossed a boundary. It is important to not assume that the person that crossed a boundary knew they did something wrong. We are all born and raised with different values and family systems.
Avoid assuming and come from a more curious mind that your date unknowingly hurt your feelings. Then share how their actions and behaviors affected you. Focus on what you want and collaborate together on what solutions would make you both happy. This is a team effort and a relationship so its important that you both are included in the decision on how to move forward.
Clear communication is key to setting and respecting healthy boundaries. Be honest and upfront about what you are comfortable with and what you’re not. Communication is also key in understanding your partner’s boundaries and respecting them.
If you have never set boundaries before, it can feel difficult. I role play situations with many of my clients so they can get used to communicating their needs to a safe space. I highly recommend you find someone you trust to practice with before attempting to communicate your boundaries.
Step #3 Stick to your boundaries
Setting boundaries is only half the battle; sticking to them is equally important. All too often I have clients that are very clear about their boundaries but they end up abandoning themselves and negotiating their non-negotiables. If you find yourself in this situation I want you to know you are not alone.
Its hard to develop habits on your own and hard to see your blind spots until its too late. If your partner crosses a boundary, it’s crucial to communicate that boundary has been crossed and why it matters to you immediately.
Don’t rationalize thinking I’m too much, I’m being too needy, or I need to make them happy in order for them to like me. In reality, if someone is unable to meet your need or requirements in a relationship, their letting you know they aren’t a good fit for you.
Avoid compromising your boundaries to keep your date happy. Boundaries are there to protect you, and you deserve to be respected.
Step #4: Recognize red flags
Sometimes our dates might not respect our boundaries or brush them off as unimportant. It’s crucial to recognize these red flags and assess whether or not the relationship is healthy and worth pursuing. If a person continuously disrespects your boundaries, it might be time to move on.
Step #5: Seek support
Setting and respecting healthy boundaries can be difficult, especially when we’re not used to doing it. It’s essential to seek support, either from a trusted friend or a therapist. They can offer advice and guidance on how to navigate dating while sticking to healthy boundaries.
Setting and respecting healthy boundaries is crucial in any relationship, especially when dating. It’s important to know your boundaries, communicate them, stick to them, recognize red flags, and seek support. Remember that boundaries are there to protect you and that you deserve to be respected. By sticking to our boundaries, we can create a dating experience where we feel safe and valued.
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