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Dear Evan!
I’ve been reading your advice for a while. I like how you talk about not putting so much importance on chemistry and how you should focus on how the person treats you. I met a guy on Plenty of Fish in January. We became exclusive in March. He treats me wonderfully and loves me unconditionally. I’m legally blind. He accepts me and gave me the chance to demonstrate that I’m independent. However, there are certain things that turn me off. He doesn’t care too much about appearance. He can go to work without showering! Also, during sex, he doesn’t want to talk but I do.
I’m confused because here’s a guy who treats me well and yet, I question his habits. Aren’t hygiene and sex important? I’m afraid I won’t find someone that will accept me because of my situation. It’s been hard for me. Here I have someone and I’m not sure if I would be able to live with him. Are these reasons not to be with someone?
JoJo
Dear JoJo,
You illustrate a very important point — the heart wants what the heart wants.
Then again, the people who live by such credos often find themselves sleeping with their own daughters, so we have to be careful of being too rigid about such things.
First of all, let me give you credit for a few things: dating actively even though you’re legally blind, appreciating that it’s hard to find someone who will accept you as legally blind, and, finally, caring so much about appearance when you’re legally blind.
That’s some powerful irony right there.
No one will say you’re wrong for caring about appearance, wanting a man to shower daily, or desiring dirty talk in bed. The heart wants what the heart wants.
However, if you’re considering these things as fodder to justify breaking up with him, I think you’re going to have to try a little bit harder.
You don’t get to iron out all of your partners’ flaws… ESPECIALLY when you have flaws of your own.
And that’s about the hardest message that I have to deliver on a daily basis in my role as a dating coach. You don’t get to iron out all of your partners’ flaws, ESPECIALLY when they’re not necessarily flaws, and ESPECIALLY when you have flaws of your own.
Case in point: it is not mandatory that men talk in bed. You may prefer it, but he may prefer focusing his energies on finding your erogenous zones instead of narrating how he’s going to be doing it.
Case in point 2: it is not mandatory that men shower every day before work. If he goes three days without showering and smells horrible, that’s one thing. But just because he doesn’t do exactly what you do doesn’t make him WRONG. It only makes him different than you.
Has it ever occurred to you, JoJo, that you may have half-dozen habits that your boyfriend absolutely can’t stand? Your propensity to complain about the temperature in every room, your highly questionable taste in music and literature, your refusal to engage in anal sex, your ineptness in the kitchen, your annoying and catty girlfriends.
If you’re intolerant of others’ flaws and oblivious of your own, well, you just may be alone for a very long time.
I don’t know you, but I know “people” — and EVERYONE has qualities that have the potential to drive someone up the wall. If you have a low tolerance for others’ flaws, and choose to break up with men each time they rub you the wrong way because You. Just. Can’t. Live. With. That, it’s entirely your prerogative.
It’s hard enough to find love online. It’s gotta be doubly hard if you’re blind. But if you’re intolerant of others’ flaws and oblivious of your own, well, you just may be alone for a very long time.
If I were you, I’d appreciate the boyfriend, offer to hop in the shower with him, and engage in a sexy conversation about how it turns you on when he talks to you in bed.
And if you need to get back out there online, I’ve got just the resource to help you…
Click here to learn more:
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