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Evan, I am a non-Jewish girl dating a Jewish guy. He is the first real guy I have been in a relationship with. I am 22 and he is 27. We’ve been together for several months and I can sense his hesitancy about me…and I am also hesitant of him. He still logs onto JDate every now and then, and I know because I am spying. Yes, I shouldn’t but I want to protect myself.
What is the likelihood a Jewish guy will leave you because you are non-Jewish? I cannot risk getting hurt. I do not want to keep being with him if down the line he will just leave me for a Jewish girl. His parents are rather conservative I believe, and he is a daddy’s boy. He may be stringing me along because you have said ‘any sex is better than no sex.’ His two exes were Jewish. He is an Atheist, but culturally Jewish. He also likes to please his parents. So….
Should I bail? Or stick it out? I have not met his parents or anything. We are also each other’s first (sex). I am a pain avoider as you have described in one article. I am falling for him every time we have sex, and it will hurt me tremendously if this man decides to leave me because I am not Jewish. I do not deserve to be used in this way. I would like to know if I should walk away now before I invest too much. Thanks. Love your articles. —B.
There are two different questions being asked here.
One is whether you should keep dating this guy.
The other is whether religion can tear you apart.
Let’s dispense with the first question first.
75% of marriages that begin under the age of 25 end up in divorce. Don’t be another statistic.
You’re a 22-year-old girl who is casually dating a 27-year-old guy who is not serious enough about you to take his JDate profile down.
This tells me all I need to know:
a) He’s just not that into you.
b) You’re too young to get married.
It is possible that he’ll come around, but it’s exceedingly unlikely. And even if he did, you need to gain some valuable life experience before you have to worry about what the Jewish in-laws might think.
You can date, be exclusive, and fall in love. But you’re putting the cart way before the horse. 75% of marriages that begin under the age of 25 end up in divorce. Don’t be another statistic.
Your more interesting question, though, is about Jewish families. For once, I’m uniquely qualified to answer something, so I’m not going to miss this opportunity. So…
The question, ultimately, is whether he’s the kind of nice Jewish boy who will put his parents needs above his own?
What is the likelihood a Jewish guy will leave you because you are non-Jewish?
There is no statistical evidence on the reasons Jewish men break up with girlfriends. There is statistical evidence on how many Jewish men insist on marrying Jewish – and that number is around 50%. Which means that 50% of Jewish men marry outside our faith.
I did. All of my cousins did. My closest college friends did.
But that’s half of the population — which means that Jews — and Jewish families — are far from monolithic in their beliefs and preferences.
As far as what’s unique to your guy… well, it’s not all that unique.
He’s an atheist? Yeah. Lots of us are.
He’s culturally Jewish. Identifies with the tribe. May go to services once or twice a year. Has a keen sense of humor. Enjoys family holidays, Seinfeld, and education? Yep.
He’s a parent-pleaser? That’s pretty much in our DNA.
The question, ultimately, is whether he’s the kind of nice Jewish boy who will put his parents needs above his own?
And, honestly, you can’t necessarily tell those things from the get-go, much less when the chips are down.
You don’t know that his traditional family will be closed off to you. Maybe he spends three years with you and falls in love with you. Maybe you’re open to converting to Judaism. Maybe you don’t need to convert, but you’re open to raising the kids Jewish.
There are a lot of possibilities, and each intermarried couple comes up with its own internal compromises.
But until this guy takes his profile down, declares himself your boyfriend, and tells you he loves you, I don’t think you have very much to worry about, my dear.
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