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Dear Dr. NerdLove,
I’m your average 20-something white guy trying to get back into dating after a pandemic-enforced break and then a lot of other stuff that kept me out of the game that I’m not going to get into. Long story short, I’m trying to make up for lost time and make this the year I finally get a girlfriend for longer than a couple months.
The problem is, the dating apps aren’t working for me. I know this probably isn’t anything you haven’t talked about a thousand times but I’m not matching with anyone who’s actually attractive to me, the women who are messaging me first are not my type (and let’s leave it at that) and when I DO match with anyone, the conversations end up going nowhere or I think we’re about to get somewhere and then they unmatch me or just vanish and quit responding.
That’s not my question. Here’s my question: is there a good reason why I shouldn’t let something else do the hard work for me? I keep seeing offers for apps that use AI to match and message women until I get a date and it seems like that could be a real benefit for guys like me who can’t get a girl to match or even talk to us for long.
If I’m already having a hard time with this, why shouldn’t I let someone else do the hard work so I don’t have to deal with all the frustration and anxiety and inevitable heartbreak that comes with yet another rejection?
Better Loving Through Science
OK, so I realize the easiest thing I could do here is just say “NO”, make a joke about all the bots that are already on Tinder and call it good. But honestly? There’s a lot in this that’s actually worth talking about. But first, a slight digression.
Recently, I’ve been getting a lot of emails from folks who have offered, oh-so-generously, to set up an AI chatbot that would scan my columns and talk to my readers and clients for me in my “voice”. It, they say, would give me more opportunities to help people, free up time for me, give people more ways to access my advice and even help guide people to my funnel.
Amusingly, I know that similar offers being made to sex workers, especially women with OnlyFans or other accounts. Just as amusingly, those are all non-starters for the exact same reason: because no large language model, no matter how well trained, is going to be able to actually replace the basic human connection. Whether it’s chatting up people on OnlyFans or dispensing advice to folks in distress, the whole reason people come to us is because they want to talk to us, specifically. Putting up a fake version is just creating more barriers between the audience and the creator – worse, in some ways, because it’s almost insulting by saying “here, let this fake version entertain you, it’s almost as good as the real thing!”
And that’s before we get into issues like not being able to monitor what its saying to everyone, and the way this can turbocharge the falsity of parasocial relationships and a whole host of other ethical, logistical and other minefields.
Now, I bring this up for a couple reasons. One is that AI right now is occupying the space that NFTs and crypto occupied months and years before; someone created a solution and now they’re off in search of a problem, regardless of whether anyone actually wants or needs it. The odds that this will a) do what’s promised, b) do it well and c) not have an untold number of negative side-effects are all very, very high.
Another is that ChatGPT and the rest aren’t actually intelligent. They’re not thinking, they’re not generating unique thoughts and they’re not even at the vaguest level of what we might call “sentient”. They’re just word calculators, a very fancy version of autocorrect that knows that if you use THIS word, the odds that the next word will be THAT are high. There’s no originality, no true consideration of context or anyone’s unique situation and no actual personality. At best, the results you would get are the social interaction equivalent of the uncanny valley. If you’ve ever had a conversation with someone who was trying to reach “Jerry” but got all embarrassed they had a ‘wrong number’ and want to talk to you instead, then you’ve seen just how weird, off-putting and inhuman those conversations are.
But most importantly: much as how a chatbot is just a barrier between me and people who want or need my advice, that barrier and interference will be even worse for anyone trying to use a dating app.
So let’s talk about AI, dating apps, frustration and outsourcing for a second shall we?
First and foremost, BLTS: if you’re in a position where you need a tool to manage your dating app usage, you’re absolutely using them wrong. I realize that the ubiquity of dating apps, combined with the world-wide PTSD of the pandemic mean that more people are turning to the apps to find love, but quite frankly, very few people use them well. Dating apps cannot and should not be a complete replacement for how you meet people. I could go on for hours and thousands of words about all the issues with dating apps, but I’ll focus on one area: the swiping mechanic. Swiping and the seeming gamification of dating apps was a mistake and it’s made them all worse. It creates a dark pattern that prioritizes matching over meeting and results in weird SEO-esque bullshit and attempts to game the system in order to maximize matches and being in front of people. This is great if, for example, you’re trying to sell “boosts” or “turbo mode” or whatever. It’s horrible if you’re trying to make an actual love connection with another human being.
Dating apps should be a supplement, at most, to how you meet people, not a replacement. Swiping on someone should be something you do for five to ten minutes when you have some down time, not something that’s become so involved that you seriously consider outsourcing it to a bot. If you’re in a position where you’re looking at using a bot to maximize your match potential, you need to back away from the apps, go outside and talk to some women in person because you’re not going to meet them otherwise.
Second of all: you’re focused on the wrong things. One of the trends I’ve seen, both in general and in the folks who come to me for help with online dating has been a focus on getting matches, not dates. The swiping mechanic is a major part of this; part of what’s happening is that people are forgetting that the whole point of a dating app is to not use the dating app. It’s not to be incredibly efficient about maintaining multiple conversations or whatever, it’s about meeting someone and starting a relationship, even if that relationship is just for a long weekend.
This is why there’s an actual paradox with many dating apps these days. Getting hundreds of matches is actually not helpful, and it doesn’t get you any closer to actually meeting anyone. At best, getting 100 matches means you’ve got 90-99 very weak connections, and the odds that you’ll get through those to find the one (1) GOOD connection before fatigue and frustration set in are very, very low. It’s like I’ve said before: you don’t want to be everyone’s cup of tea, you want to be a few people’s shot of whiskey.
Third: IF any of these services worked correctly – and that’s a mighty big “if” – then all you’re doing is setting yourself AND your matches up for disappointment. AT BEST, you’re putting barriers between yourself and making a real connection with someone by having them (or their LLM chatbot) talk with a fake version of you. There’s going to come a point where you and they are going to have to meet up in person, and now you’re going to have to deal with them yourself. Problem isn’t even going to be that you won’t be able to replicate your LLM version’s banter, it’s that you’re going to be talking to someone who a) you don’t know and b) who’s connection with you is based on a lie. If you’re lucky, the bot will have matched you with someone you have actual mutual interests and commonalities. But what you won’t have is the vaguest idea of who this person is, whether you two had any preliminary chemistry or even if they’re someone you’d want to split a soda with, never mind potentially mix your DNA together.
At best, all that you’ve done is increased the number of false positives and first dates to nowhere – and that’s assuming you even get to actual dates when the bot has you take over.
Fourth: If this worked as promised (again, big if) then you’re going to sign up for a subscription fee just in time for all the app designers to make those AI tools useless. When dudes started swiping right on everyone in order to maximize the odds of matching, with an eye towards only messaging the people they were actually attracted to, Tinder et. al changed their algorithm to punish people who did this.
If AI tools reach that level of use (or even beforehand), all the developers have financial incentive to make sure that the users get punished. Just as the mass-swiping made the user experience worse, a flood of AI bots is going to make the experience shittier for everyone involved and even the most rapacious dev team is going to see that this is bad for their bottom line. Diminishing the odds of ever actually getting a date is one thing; a user experience that makes people quit using the app is another.
Fifth: AI is already affecting your dating apps. Dating apps aren’t an accurate measure of your desirability or popularity or what-have-you. Every dating app out there uses algorithms that dictate who sees your profile and where your profile sits in their timeline. If you feel like the only people the app is suggesting to you – or who’s seeing you and messaging you first – aren’t your type or aren’t the people you’re attracted to that’s in no small part because what you’re experiencing isn’t an organic connection. This isn’t a genuine measure of your attractiveness, it’s what some tech bros in Palo Alto think about you. You aren’t getting bad matches because you’re less attractive than a walking pile of sentient tumors, you’re getting them because a bunch of guys who never met you think those are the people who are in your league and hard-coded it into the app.
This isn’t even speculation. Engineers at Tinder have talked in depth about the way they decide who gets seen by whom. It flattens everyone into numbers and statistics and pretends that every aspect of human interaction can be measured and predicted on the strength of data sets, with no room for nuance, serendipity or even simple raw animal attraction. It’s code designed to make people decide everything about you based on a brief glimpse of a couple of pictures in a system designed to make you less likely to linger over a profile and develop a fuller and more nuanced view of a holistic individual.
Why would you want to add even more barriers and bullshit to that? This isn’t going to be the solution to your love life, this is going to restrict your dating pool even further based on input by strangers who have no idea who you are and who think that anything about you that can’t be quantified, measured filed, stamped, indexed, and numbered doesn’t matter or doesn’t exist.
This is one of the reasons why I’m a staunch believer that the best way to succeed on dating apps is to live more of your life off the apps.
Now that being said, I can see a very limited use-case for using a LLM app in online dating. Like I said, ChatGPT and other LLMs are just word calculators (H/T to Adam Conover); put a couple words in one way and it’ll use those to spit out a different combination.
An LLM like ChatGPT might – and I stress might – be useful for writing your profile. Taking a couple of paragraphs and trying to reword them, to present facts about yourself in a different way or just spur some ideas and get past the “blank page” problem would be a not-horrible use of the tech. It could even be somewhat useful for doing some A/B testing on your profile – do folks respond more and more positively if you use this version vs. that one, is there a better way of presenting this information about yourself and so on. That might be helpful for filling in your profile and still present an honest version of yourself.
But, as with every other aspect of online dating, you need to remember that the ultimate goal is to meet people in person. To do that successfully, you need to present your best, most authentic self. And no app, no matter how large its database or how well-trained it may be, is going to do that. You’re going to have to handle that part on your own. And while dating apps can be frustrating – something I fully agree with – adding more tech isn’t going to fix that. You can’t “disrupt” love, no matter what tech bros pitch to their VCs. Love is messy, it’s analog and it’s organic. There’s no replacing the human part of a human connection.
Good luck.
Hello Doctor
Guess I should start this with an introduction. I’m a 23yo male living in PA, and I’ve been on an on-and-off appearance-improving binge for about three years now. Eating well, working out, getting rid of the werewolf pelt on my chest and back, trying to wrangle the last few remaining strands of hair I have into an appealing form, etcetera. There’s just one problem I can’t fix: I have absolutely horrific back acne.
I’ll save you some eye bleach and not attach a photo to this email, but I’ll try and describe it. I basically have a very wide cluster of pimples and scars running down from the top of my spine to my ass. Have you ever seen the Milky Way in the sky? It’s like that, but red and on my back.
I’ve been through every skincare website and forum on the Internet and follow every single back acne tip there is. I’ve tried every cream and solution and patch and rub in the skincare aisle and nothing has worked. I’ve bought every kind of shirt on the market that apparently helps to clear back acne – even these really sketchy sounding “copper-impregnated” ones which I’m fairly certain didn’t even have copper in them, but whatever – and no dice. I’ve even been washing my bedsheets every other night and I’ve been training myself to sleep on my stomach, but of course, I’ve still had no positive changes so far.
I’ve also tried doctors but nothing has worked. I’ve been to three different dermatologists and they just haven’t helped at all – how it’d go is that I’d head in, they’d give me some tips to prevent acne (which I already knew about and followed religiously), they’d prescribe me some topical, and then after a while where nothing changed, I’d go back and they’d either give me those same tips again and accuse me of not following them, prescribe me some other topical that also didn’t work, or just shrug and recommend me to some other dermatologist. It’s kind of turned me off to searching out more dermatologists cause I’d always have to explain to the new one that I was already prescribed whatever topical they were trying to give me and that it didn’t work, which they always of course meet with skepticism. Maybe the dermatologists in my area are just shitty, idk.
I also have something called a “pilonidal cyst” which is just the worst. It’s right at the top of my butt and is basically a hole that constantly oozes pus which forms a scab-like crust that I have to pick off. I know there are surgical procedures to get rid of them, but none of the dermatologists I’ve been to have agreed to sign me up for one. I’m lucky that my pus-hole is rather small – it’s basically just a tiny flap of skin. My sister, who has a lot of the same skin issues I do, developed one before and hers swelled to the size of a plum before they operated on it.
The dermatologists just write it off as a non-issue because of how small it is and how it doesn’t cause me any pain. They just tell me that there’s “nothing they can do” and “to keep it clean and dry,” which I do. But like, it’s still an issue? It’s a hole that oozes pus. Who the fuck is going to date a guy with a second hole in their ass which constantly oozes pus? I know they *can* do something about it, they just won’t.
I know I have a lot going for me in other areas. I make next to nothing at the moment, but I’d say my jobs have been interesting/make me look good at the very least (currently a special ed instructor), and I’m currently working on my Master’s and saving for medical school so I can leverage my psychology experience into a higher paying psychiatry job, so it’s not like I’m not advancing in that area. I also generally consider myself funny/charming. But I just can’t even approach women with these issues. It’s just frustrating. Everything else that’s bad about me I can fix in some way, but not this one.
I’m still 180 (used to be 220 at my peak), but I’ve been losing weight and gaining muscle. I’ve got way too much body hair, but I can remove it. I’m 5’8″, but I can dress well, wear lifts, focus on shorter women, and get leg surgery if push really comes to shove. My hair’s thinning, but I’ve been on Minoxidil and Finasteride and I’m steadily seeing some improvement, and I’ve been saving up for a hair transplant for a while. My facial skin is pretty bad, but I’ve got a treatment that works for that. I live with my parents and I have a shitty car, but… well, I’ll eventually be in better circumstances.
No matter what I try, I still look like Freddy Krueger from behind. I understand that there’s some women who don’t care that much about physical appearances, I mean I’ve been to Walmart before, I’ve seen the kinds of guys who can get girlfriends. I just can’t image any woman would enjoy reaching back and feeling the mess of scars and pimples that is my back, or not be embarrassed being with someone who has “clean and dry crusty pus-hole between his ass-cheeks” as part of their morning routine. Even if I dated a blind girl or something – they’d still touch my back at some point and feel the fucking Braille manuscript there. With my luck, it probably says something really unromantic.
I know you’re probably sick of guys telling you this, but sometimes I just wish I been dealt a better set of genetics. I hate exercising, I hate dieting, I hate having to rub three different creams on my face, I hate having to rub a topical on my scalp and take a pill every day, I hate shaving my body hair (can’t even use creams cause they irritate my skin), I hate trimming/plucking my eyebrows and nose hair, I hate having to constantly pay attention to how I’m standing, I hate having to pick out outfits and hyper-scrutinize how I look before going out.
I know that life isn’t fair, and that everyone has to deal with this kind of shit too, and that it’s normal to feel this way from time to time. It’s definitely rewarding and I know eventually it’ll pay off, but it’s just physically and mentally draining.
So what do you suggest? I’m feeling pretty demoralized from my past experiences, but should I keep shopping for new dermatologists/doctors? I know you’re not a real doctor, but do you have any skin care tips at the very least?
Boils And Sores
OK, BaS, I know I can write an entire dissertation on how much change and struggle is too much and why learning to work with your body instead of trying to force yourself into a shape you can’t actually fit into, but I won’t.
Yet.
I will, say, however, that your efforts may actually be part of the problem… but I’ll get back to that in a second. Let’s start with the surface-layer problem (er… as it were) first.
So, I’m a little surprised (but not that surprised, considering the state of medical care in America) that your dermatologists seem to be shrugging their shoulders and writing this off. A more cynical man than me might think that some of this is down to what your insurance is willing to let them try and the level of effort-vs-reward to just throwing different topicals at you.
In fact, one of the things I’m surprised that they haven’t suggested are oral medications, whether antibiotics or anti-acne medications like Accutane. Severe cystic acne often requires a combination of treatments, such as a topical retinol like Retin-A paired with an oral antibiotic. Accutane, in particular, is probably one of the most effective treatments for adult acne out there. Its use was dialed back significantly in pre-teens and teenagers but (to the best of my knowledge) it’s fairly safe for adults.
There’re a few things you may want to consider with regards to your doctors. First is that you don’t necessarily have to take your dermatologist’s initial response as the last word. One thing that’s important in general when it comes to health care is to remember that ultimately it’s your body and your life; if the results you’re getting either aren’t sufficient or are coming with side-effects that you aren’t willing to put up with, then you’re well within your rights to say so and request different treatments. You can and should be your strongest advocate for the health care you need, especially if current treatments aren’t working.
If, for example, your pilonidal cyst is a recurring issue, you can and should make a case for removal. Tell them “this materially affects my life, it is a constant source of pain and negative function and I want it gone,” especially if you can give a series of examples of how having it affects you at work.
(Yeah, it sucks to have to invoke the spirit of Capitalism to get decent care, but if it works, fucking do it.)
Pushing for surgery can seem extreme – and you may get resistance and flak from your dermatologist – but if that cyst is affecting your quality of life, then you should make enough noise until either they help or point you to someone who will.
Just be warned: recovery from that surgery’s gonna hurt like Beelzebub and his entire demonic host have taken up residence right below your tailbone and turned it into their personal playground, complete with razor-blade slides and magma-go-rounds.
There are also other potential treatments that might work for your cysts. Since topicals aren’t taking care of the backne, you may want to look into phototherapy, laser treatment or chemical peels.
Another thing to consider is maybe you need to go to different doctors – not just different dermatologists but different specialists. Considering the issues you’re having, you might want to talk to a cosmetic surgeon about what your options are. And since acne is also frequently a hormonal issue, talking to an endocrinologist and getting your blood checked might not be a bad idea either. You mention that you have extensive body hair but you’re balding… that combo tends to suggest high levels of testosterone, which can also lead to adult cystic acne, particularly on your back.
There’s also the distinct possibility that you may be dealing with a different problem altogether. If you haven’t yet, I’d recommend trying an elimination diet to rule out the possibility of issues like an allergy to dairy or other common dietary issues. Talking to an allergist may be helpful here, especially in eliminating any environmental or dietary triggers.
However, there’re a few other things that could be contributing to this and they stem from the rather extensive self-improvement routine you’re undergoing.
Remember what I said about not trying to force yourself into a shape that you don’t actually fit? Not only does this mean that you end up with that daily routine you hate, but it comes with unintended side-effects.
If, for example, you’re using a specialized razor to shave your back, then that is likely going to be an issue. Any electric razor will create a ragged cut to the hair, which ups the odds of getting ingrowns as they grow back. Similarly, if your body hair removal involves a lot of waxing or sugaring, then odds are good that part of what you’re dealing with is your skin freaking the fuck out over how you’re treating it. You’re as likely to get zits simply from the histamine reaction, on top of ingrown hairs.
Post-depilation care can also cause your skin to react with zits and nastiness. Scrubbing your back, using exfoliant scrubs and scratchy brushes or loofas can absolutely cause break outs, especially after waxing. The stress on the skin, the increased sensitivity and harsh chemicals can make your skin go “BLAARGH” and flare up with more subdermal pus volcanos than the worst 2012 disaster movie. And if you are using a loofa or brush to scrub your back, make sure you clean that sucker thoroughly. They can be reservoirs of bacteria that will cause your already traumatized skin to flare up and clog your pores like a container ship in the Suez.
Another possibility involves your hair. On your head. Or what’s left of it, that is. Most folks who use Finasteride report that it helps reduce acne, but some – up to a third, in some reports – say that it actually made their acne worse. While I understand that you want to keep the hair you have, maybe even grow some back, your attempts in one area may be sabotaging you in others. Plus, considering the witches brew of side-effects that come with Finasteride – including erectile dysfunction – you may want to consider being bald and beautiful. Leaning into a Jason Statham/Bruce Willis look may well do a lot better for you in the long run than trying to fight the mounting effects of the drugs and chemicals you’re using to stall your hairline’s retreat.
The last thing possibility is… well, whether you’re using any other supplements in your self-improvement regimen. You mention that you’re focusing on losing weight and gaining muscle… what’s going into that besides diet and exercise? If you’re taking any sort of performance enhancers – especially any steroids, testosterone supplements, human growth hormone and the like – then that is almost certainly the source of your problem.
If that’s the case… well, cutting the supplements out is going to be an easy fix. You won’t get the benefits any longer, but the side-effects that come with them – and the expense that comes with monitoring and balancing all of the other drugs that you need to keep your balls from shrinking to the size of raisins – will go with them. And you can still muscle up without having to stab yourself in the ass on a monthly basis.
But I think part of what you need is to add some radical self-acceptance and self-compassion into the mix as well. I think the combination of everything you’re trying to change is going to lead to results that you aren’t going to be happy with and possibly long-term issues that end up creating new and worse problems. Part of why you hate everything you’re doing and feel so frustrated is in part because you’re trying to force a square peg into a round hole. You can do it if you work hard enough at it, sure, but it’s going to require sanding yourself down to the point that who you are barely seems to exist.
Now, I’m entirely sympathetic to the not liking how you look and wanting to look like the ideal version of you in your head. But what you may think is “ideal” and what your body can manage are two very different things. There’s a point where not only are you going to hit diminishing returns, but where the only options for the changes you want are going to be expensive, painful, unreliable and potentially dangerous. Leg-lengthening surgery, hair implants… if you’re determined to try those, then I obviously can’t stand in your way. But I do think that in the long run, learning to love your body as is, to change what you can but to also love it for what it is instead of what you think it should be is important.
As I’ve said before: you can’t do much about your physical height, but you can certainly learn how to take up more space. You can’t change your bones, but you can change how you present yourself. And learning to love who you are and work to the most polished version of that will make you happier overall and in the long run. Because honestly? Some of what you’re looking at right now are short-term solutions that aren’t going to age with you. Hair plugs only look normal for a while. Leg lengthening surgery pulls you out of proportion. A lot of other cosmetic options look good in the present, but create weird issues when you get older and you lose skin elasticity and your body changes with age.
But right now, for your skin? Treat this as a holistic issue, not just a skin care one. Talk to other doctors, if only to rule out non-obvious possibilities like hormone imbalances or allergic reactions. And be willing to advocate for yourself with your doctors. Push for the care you want and don’t be afraid to say “this didn’t work, this has side-effects that I can’t stand, I want to know what my other options are.”
It’s your body and you’re the one who has to live in it. You have the right to say “this is broken and fixing it is MY priority, even if you don’t think it should be.”
Good luck.
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