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I’m a 24-year-old nonbinary man. My dating experience has been rough, but I’m not really here to ask about the past. I’ve made peace with what I’ve been through already. I’ve been on dating apps for a year or two at this point, and my lack of “success” there is mostly due to my own disinterest on people on the apps. Overall, I’m actually pretty confident in my capacity to date and find meaningful relationships. The problem I’m having right now is that I can’t seem to get over this Parasocial Pining.
It started a year-ish ago, when I realised I thought a certain Twitch streamer was pretty cute. It was a little, innocent infatuation with someone I respect as a fellow creative (I am a voice actor and streamer myself). Then I noticed that tell-tale tightness in my chest and had the “Uh-Oh” moment. I figured it would pass, as things usually do when I know someone is clearly unavailable, but for some reason it just hasn’t. It’s actually gotten stronger over time.
Usually, I wouldn’t have a problem just reaching out to someone I was attracted to. But, aside from just being one voice in a sea of many when she has an audience as big as she does, there’s also a geographical boundary and she has made public statements that she is not interested in long-distance relationships. I think the reason the distance hasn’t been enough to dissuade these feelings is that she lives in a country I’ve actually been making plans to move to for a long time, even before all this. There’s this part of my brain that just goes “But what if, though?” because I know that, one day, the distance would be a non-issue.
Obviously, I’d also like to try and connect as a friend before anything. It would be so nice to have another person to talk to about creative stuff; I definitely don’t have enough of those. On that I know I just have to get over my fear of looking like a clout chaser, it’s kind of beside the point.
I guess what I really need help with is the fact that I feel guilty for having these feelings. Like, obviously the parasocial dynamic of things means I shouldn’t pursue this, right? But even though I understand that, I still feel like a bad person just for being this attracted to someone. I know I can’t shame myself into losing these feelings, and they aren’t just going away over time, but it’s also causing me actual distress at this point. Is there a way to force these feelings out? Should I even consider that as an option, or would that do me more harm than good? Would it be better for me to hold on to this and use it as an extra motivator for my move overseas?
Sincerely,
Drowning In My Own Cringe
Alright there’s a lot going on here, DIMOC, but let’s roll it from the top. First and foremost, let’s acknowledge an important truth: a crush is just a crush. It’s not inherently good nor bad, regardless of whether it’s on someone you know in person, someone you only know from media or, hell, even a fictional character. All a crush means is that there’s something about this person that speaks to you in a particular way.
By that same token, having a parasocial crush on someone isn’t inherently cringey; it’s been part of the human experience since we came up with the concept of abstract representation. Consider the amount of sweaty art that’s been made around characters from the Aeneid, the Illiad or other classical works; it’s just part of the humans-will-pack-bond-with-almost-anything package. As with most things in life, it’s what you do with those feelings that’s the issue.
The crush itself isn’t really the issue here. The issue is the fantasies that build themselves around it and – importantly – whether those fantasies are getting in the way of your actual life… including letting those fantasies prevent you from trying to form a relationship with someone who’s actually present in your life and you actually can get to know.
The thing with a parasocial connection like this is that you’re not feeling a crush on the actual person. You have a crush on a carefully crafted and curated persona – the mask that they’re putting on while they’re on stream. It feels like you know them because you’re spending so much time watching them and the little tidbits of their lives that they give, but it’s not even remotely the same thing. Even people who strive for authenticity on stream are still giving a very specific version of themselves – a version that’s built for public consumption. It’s exaggerated, polished and cultivated; even flaws or peccadilloes are often played up in particular ways. It’s kayfabe.
And trust me, I can speak to this from personal experience; back when the League of Extremely Ordinary Gentlemen was running, people were getting a very heightened version of us and the reality was significantly different. I got a front row seat of watching people react to our personas rather than us as people when folks met us in person.
Now, again, there’s nothing wrong with having crushes or buying into the kayfabe of it. But it’s important to recognize that this is what you’re crushing on and building fantasies around. If you keep it to a crush and recognize that this is all just responding to the fantasy of it all, it’s fundamentally harmless. But when you start taking it seriously, to the point of hoping to connect with them in real life or finding excuses to try to meet them, then it’s starting to interfere with your actual life.
And let’s be clear here, little caveats and disclaimers like “well, I was planning to visit where they live anyway…” is a fig leaf, something that you’re holding up to give yourself permission to act on this fantasy rather than proof that you’re not taking it seriously. You and I both know that it’s not just a happy coincidence if you decide to hop a plane over to visit, when you haven’t done so before. This isn’t “well, this finally gave me the push I needed”, it’s “this is my excuse that says I’m not going overboard”, and that’s a dangerous way of thinking. The same is true of “well obviously I’d want to be friends first”; even if we take the internet celebrity factor away, that’s still the mindset of Nice GuysTM who are trying to convince themselves that they’re not Nice-Guying around.
Yes, there’re times when that’s a legitimate desire… but those are under very different circumstances. Circumstances that are not present here.
It would be a lot more productive – not to mention healthier – to acknowledge that these are fantasies and, from there, to examine why it is that you’re landing on this person and not on other people… people who might actually be, for a lack of a better word, attainable. It’s not just a question about what about this person’s online persona is attracting you, but why you are focusing on a fantasy instead of actual life.
One thing I think that’s worth considering is that part of the issue is that she is unattainable and that this is ultimately something that isn’t going to be fulfilled.
This sort of behavior, in my experience, tends to have two components. First there’s the feeling of deservedness; it’s easier to crush on someone impossible because it’s impossible. There’s no risk of actual success. People who fall for unattainable or unavailable people are often engaging in a form of self-protective behavior. Either they don’t believe they deserve a real relationship or they have a fear of actually succeeding. Yeah, that sounds absurd, but the benefit of a fantasy relationship is that it can be perfect. It will always go exactly as you imagine it, and even the conflicts and fights and problems are ultimately ones you’ve chosen and can resolve as you see fit. In reality, relationships are messy and chaotic and actually achieving the success means that now you can fail and lose it all. You have to take responsibility for it, including if it doesn’t work out.
The second component is that part of the fantasy is the validation that success would represent. Dating this person would mean that you are so special, so unique, so specifically deserving that this person couldn’t resist your charms. It’s less about them and more about what they represent and why that makes you better than you feel you are right now. And even with less fantastical connections, the need to “prove” yourself by achieving this is a poor foundation for a real relationship.
So I think part of what you need to do is start working on how you feel about yourself. It sounds like part of the problem is that you feel isolated, like you’re working in a vacuum. This is an almost universal issue with creators, especially people whose work is inherently solitary – writers, artists, etc. This is why it can be important to find community with other like-minded people. I’d recommend that you start trying to find an actual community – in person, ideally but online too – with other peers and near-peers. Trust me when I say that one of the best things you can do is to focus less on the people who are where you want to be and more on people who are in the same place you are. The wanna-bes of today are often the superstars of tomorrow. Again, I can speak to this from personal experience; a shocking number of people I spent time with or worked with in the 00s and 10s – online, on the con circuit and elsewhere – have gone on to become legitimate stars in their own right.
It’s like the punks and aspiring scenesters who clustered around CBGBs in its heyday – they may have had heads full of dreams at the time, but so many of them went on to become superstars who would reshape music.
Having more social connections with people you can relate to and who understand where you are now can be invaluable, on a creative, professional and social level. And it may go a long way towards easing the loneliness you seem to be experiencing.
At the same time, if dating apps aren’t doing it for you, then it’s a good time to start connecting with people in person. As convenient as apps can be for many, they’re not the end-all, be-all of dating. People have been meeting and mating for 99% of existence without them. Taking things slower, getting to know people over time (in person) and building connections organically is often a better option for people. It may not have the “find a date in your pajamas” convenience of Tinder or Hinge, but it also tends to lead to stronger and more lasting relationships. Propinquity, after all, is one of the most powerful, yet underrated, factors in attraction. And what she was doing in your pajamas, I have no idea.
And just to circle back to your Twitch crush for a second: while you should let your fantasy just be a fantasy, I can tell you (again, from personal experience) it’s far easier to meet the people you admire when you’re meeting them as a peer, with your own body of work behind you, rather than a fan with the feeling of “clout chasing” instead.
Good luck.
Hey Doc,
I(13/M) met this guy(13/M) from one of my friends. We go to the same youth group and all and are really close. The issue is that recently, I’ve been more attached to him, wanting to stay with him more and I can’t stop thinking about him.
Now I’ve felt this way for girls, but this feels a lot more difficult. Every time I think about him, I feel relieved and confident and that’s the same when I’m near him.
I don’t know how or when to tell him, but I think I’ve fallen for him.
How should I tell him?
Young and Restless
OK, YaR I’m going to give you my standard advice, but with some important caveats based on your age and circumstances.
First: I’m a general believer that just confessing your feelings for someone isn’t ideal. A love confession makes for great drama in TV or manga, but in real life, it’s often the wrong move. 9 times out of 10, what’s going on is that you’re telling someone “hey, here, I have feelings, do something with them.”
For all intents and purposes, you’re often asking them to make a snap decision – do they want to start a relationship with you based on something you’ve just sprung on them? That’s not ideal under the best of circumstances, and often it’s not fair to do to them if they had no idea in the first place. It’s a big ask, and if you two don’t have a relationship to begin with, it’s even bigger; you often have no idea if you two are compatible, never mind how they might or might not feel about you. So under normal circumstances, I advocate for just asking someone out on a date, rather than just confessing your feelings. A date is a much smaller ask – after all, all you’re doing is asking them to spend a couple hours with you, rather than to decide if they want to start a relationship. A date makes it much easier to determine if the two of you work well together, as well as determining if there’s enough mutual interest to pursue something more significant. Plus, it still serves to communicate that you have feelings for them; people rarely ask people they don’t like on dates. The attraction is baked into the premise.
Now where things get complicated are your ages and both being boys. After all, it’s a little harder to date when you’re reliant on your parents for a ride and there’re fewer spaces for teens and tweens to hang and socialize than there were in my day. But the fact that you’re both boys adds a level of actual risk – not just the risk of rejection but risks to your physical safety.
In the last few years, there’s been a concerted effort by conservative lawmakers and organizations to roll back the progress society’s made with LGBTQ rights and protections. A number of states have effectively criminalized even expressing queer identities or relationships, and there’re plenty of people who would have no problem punishing a 13 year old in the name of “protecting” them. So even if you and your friend are mutually into one another, there’s a non-zero chance that someone else might decide to make this a problem.
So my first thought is that you’ll want to be mindful of the risk. If you’re in a blue state and/or have supportive parents, teachers and peers, that’s great. If you’re in some place that’s passed a variant of Florida’s “Don’t Say Gay” law or the anti-drag laws, or you have parents or authority figures who are anti-LGBTQ, you’re going to want to be cautious.
Now that being said, with regards to your friend – give things a little time and feel things out. If you know he’s attracted to guys, or guys and girls like you are, that’s perfect; you can say that you like him. You may even want to tell him what you told me – he makes you feel confident and secure and relieved. You’ll want to make it clear that you’re cool with being friends, even if he doesn’t feel the same way you do. If there’re ways to invite him on a date, or at least something semi-equivalent, then I would say go for it.
Just be careful. This is a dangerous time to be queer, and the last thing anyone wants is for your affection for your friend to put you (or him or both) in danger.
Good luck.
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