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Dear Evan,
People say “It will happen when you least expect it.” Well, I’ve been “least expecting it” for more than 10 years since my divorce. I’ve been “least expecting it” while raising my daughter, finishing college and managing a home and career.
Shortly after I was separated I dated a man casually. We spent a few long weekends together and he told me before we became intimately involved that he was not seeking a monogamous relationship. We were both in the same place. We never really had closure. I always felt good about not chasing him and knew that if he was interested he would contact me again.
Fast-forward 10 years. I was having a “least expecting it” morning sipping tea when he contacted me through email. He told me he had two exclusive relationships in the last 10 years but never married or had children. We enjoyed a wonderful afternoon that led to dinner that led to him spending the night. It was as if we were never apart. The attraction was greater than before. I told him I was not in the same place and not interested in a casual relationship. He was much more openly affectionate and forthcoming with his feelings than the first time we met. We agreed to take things slowly. I just felt like a game-playing high school girl if I were to send him home that night and withhold sex. So I took the chance.
If you lived in a cave in Mongolia, it would be safe to say that you wouldn’t expect to fall in love, wouldn’t it?
He didn’t rush out the next day and actually stayed most of the day. He called the next day and said “we should do it again some time.” Okay, that was an odd comment. But he called again the following day and we made plans for me to visit him. He told me how wonderful it was to be back together. How much he wants to spend time with me. He wanted to enrich my life and not cause stress. Words – I know. Actions – I know.
Here’s where it goes awry. I go to his house. It’s a very passionate erotic scene and then the reality hits. I am unnerved being at his house again, flashing back to my last time when I walked out and didn’t see him for 10 years. I became that woman. That needy insecure woman. I couldn’t shake the feeling and I am sure he noticed the shift in my energy. I told him that I was feeling anxious. He asked what he could do to make me feel better. So I told him that I did not want to date other people and wanted to know what he was seeking. Then I heard exactly what I dreaded: he does not want an exclusive relationship. He was open and honest and I respect his position. Once again I walked out of his house not knowing where he stands or plans to go. He called that evening to make sure I was home safely but did not ask to see me again. I don’t plan on calling him and chasing him. I made my feelings known and was clear about what I value in a relationship.
Evan, here is where I need your guidance. I feel he is worth spending time with and taking it slowly to see if it will grow into a wonderful authentic and loving relationship. How do I not lose my “least expected” moment? -Toni
Dear Toni,
Respectfully, your email has absolutely nothing to do with “love happens when you least expect it”.
If you lived in a cave in Mongolia, it would be safe to say that you wouldn’t expect to fall in love, wouldn’t it?
And if “love happens when you least expect it”, then you can certainly predict that Mr. Right will come knocking on your cold stone Mongolian door, right?
It’s ridiculous to live your life around these kinds of fantasies — to the point that I have an emailed newsletter called, “Love Happens When You Least Expect It — NOT!”
So once we get past your fantastical expectations and puncture the idea that “not trying” is a smart strategy for finding love (personally, I like going on one online date a week until you find a boyfriend), we can look clearly at your situation.
Thankfully, you made it really easy to advise you.
Your salient query: “I feel he is worth spending time with and taking it slowly to see if it will grow into a wonderful authentic and loving relationship.”
His stance on relationships: “He does not want an exclusive relationship. He did not ask to see me again.”
What part of “I don’t want a girlfriend. I don’t plan on seeing you again,” makes you think that he wants a wonderful, authentic and loving relationship?
Losing sleep about a guy you slept with once is like losing sleep when you didn’t win the lottery but you got two numbers.
Your question — so very common in these parts for the past four years — is pure blindness, emotion and wishful thinking, and not at all based in reality.
And the hard part is that you know this. You said it yourself.
“Words — I know. Actions — I know.”
The good news is that it’s really easy to logically jolt yourself out of a fantasy.
Ready?
You’ve gone 10 years without this selfish douchebag in it.
If you excised him from your life tomorrow, your life wouldn’t be worse for wear. It’s hard to miss something that you never actually had.
Losing sleep about a guy you slept with once is like losing sleep when you didn’t win the lottery but you got two numbers. You didn’t lose $10 million, sweetie. You never had it.
Finally, if 10 years of not expecting love (and not getting it) hasn’t convinced you that it’s a losing strategy, perhaps this latest failure will do so.
Dump the dick, pick up Finding the One Online, get on Match for 20 minutes a day, and tell me in a year if you’re still waiting for love.
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