Should I Risk Getting Hurt, Or Settling And Being Unhappy?

I’m a 50-year-old divorced woman with two relatively young children, and I’m dating two men. Both are great guys: accomplished, educated and successful. One of them I have wonderful chemistry with. He’s handsome, articulate and says he is quite smitten with me. We’ve had many special moments together, and he has asked me to be exclusive with him. He’s a recent widower (4 months after a long illness), and is working through the grief, but says that he didn’t expect to meet someone so quickly that “did it for him.” The other gentleman is more emotionally stable (divorced 10 years), and I like him a lot. He’s gentle, kind and has already stated that he is in it for the long haul with. The trouble is, no chemistry. I’ve even been on a road trip with him, and while we talked non-stop the whole 10-hour trip, I couldn’t bring myself to sleep with him. I have not slept with the other gentleman either.

My question is, do I go for the chemistry and the chance that the recent widower will wake up one day and realize that he still misses his late wife and I am simply a salve for his pain, or do I go for the more stable, but less desirable alternative? I figure, either way I’m taking a risk that I will not be happy. But there is also a possibility that either guy could be the ONE. I’m kind of giddy about the widower, and know that if I don’t go for him, he will not last long on the dating scene. He’s also close by, while the other man lives about 40 minutes away, and just texted me 3 times. The widower I see about every other day, and we talk, or IM or text every day. In my mind, most of the good ingredients are there for both men. I’m just afraid of falling in love and getting hurt, or settling and being unhappy. —Kim

Dear Kim,

Your question brings up a very important distinction in the chemistry vs. compatibility debate that has been raging on this blog for years.

You CAN have a chemistry that is a 10 and have a wonderful life together.

And it’s a distinction that I’m afraid gets lost amidst all the shouting, straw man and slippery slope arguments that are used to challenge my assertion that compromise, compatibility and character are the best determining factors in a successful long-term relationship.

You ready? Here goes:

You CAN have a chemistry that is a 10 and have a wonderful life together.

In fact, if you read closely, you’ll see that I’ve never said otherwise.

There’s nothing “wrong” with the 10 chemistry except for the fact that it’s such a powerful force that many women accept an unhealthy relationship — putting up with lack of commitment, emotional abuse, and poor communication just because of that “feeling”.

However, if your 10 chemistry is financially stable, emotionally available, and commitment-oriented, then there is absolutely NO reason that you shouldn’t be with him.

Really.

If you put a 10 and a 6, side by side, and, for all intents and purposes, they are equally devoted to you, you should ABSOLUTELY choose the 10.

In my experience, 10’s are risky bets, simply because they know they’re 10’s —which means they can be selfish, narcissistic, unsympathetic, and fickle. Why? Because they CAN be — and women will always put up with them.

But being a 10 in someone’s eyes is not synonymous with being a jerk, nor is it mutually exclusive with being thoughtful and committed.

Being a 10 in someone’s eyes is not synonymous with being a jerk.

Are you taking a risk with a widower? Yes. He’s on the emotional rebound, bigtime. Yet, plenty of widowers simply prefer being married than being alone, and if you’re the first one there, then you may just get lucky.

Just promise me that you won’t stay with this 10 if it turns out that he doesn’t treat you well and he’s ambivalent about your future.

Otherwise, I think you’re in an enviable position.

Tell the 6 that you’re moving on and good luck with your 10!