Should I Stop Dating Until I Move to a New City?

If you (you being the one who wants to find the husband eventually…or soon enough to reproduce in your dwindling reproductive years!) are determined to move from, say, DC to, say, San Francisco, then is there a point in actively trying to date when your mind and body are dying to blow this taco stand and get to the new, errr, taco stand? (In my case, the move isn’t for dating purposes, but rather for fresh zing lifestyle and family purposes.)

Personally, I’ve chosen to not actively be chasing dating — it’s time-consuming enough to maintain work and a social life while actively chasing a new job across the country. I do attempt to remain open to guys that more passively float through, despite my motivation to leave. But as I’m deeper and deeper in the [never-ending] job/move search, I think my awareness of the floaters has significantly diminished! —Kendra

Dear Kendra,

I think you actually nailed it in your second paragraph.

You’re busy keeping your world afloat in DC and plot a move to the West Coast. So instead of being as proactive as I ask my clients to be (a half hour a day on Match.com, for example), you can simply remain open to the possibilities as they present themselves. Really, I have nothing to add to your plan.

Being successful in dating is in letting go of expectations and being your most relaxed self no matter where you are.

What I would like to add, however, is something that I think many of our readers will validate: you’re more likely than ever to find a boyfriend before you move, specifically because you’re planning to move.

In other words, by not caring and letting your guard down, you’re going to be happier, more carefree, more approachable and more authentic to men.

And when you’re at your best, that’s usually when the best guys come waltzing in to sweep you off your feet — right before you’re about to go away.

This is largely the same phenomenon that I call “away game”, where men who struggle with women in their own city do very well with women when they’re out of town or on vacation. Why? Same principle.

He’s not afraid. He’s not tense. He’s got nothing to lose. The stakes are so incredibly low that it actually allows him to be more of himself than if he was nervous on a date with a really attractive woman.

So since you already nailed what you should be doing — nothing, really, but living your life — I want to further explore what it means when you do find a guy before you’re about to leave town.

We just had a recent blog post about choosing a city over a man (the woman chose the man instead), so I don’t want to belabor the point, but I have a quick anecdote that may shed light on the “right” thing to do.

I have a friend who struggled in love, all the way up into her 40’s. She had a job in Los Angeles, but her first love was the Bay Area, where her brother lives. As she was making plans to move up north, she met a guy. The timing was inconvenient, naturally, but she knew how rare and special it was to find love. She stuck in LA and gave it a shot. A year later, they’ve moved in together and are building a life. San Francisco, if it’s in the cards, can wait. Maybe they’ll move there together. Maybe not. But she got the one thing that she’s waited her entire life to get — a devoted boyfriend who had long-term potential. She wasn’t going to waste that to get a breath of fresh, foggy air.

What does this mean for you, Kendra?

I think it’s just food for thought. Plot your move to SF. Stay open to possibilities. See what happens. And remember that love is the most precious commodity in life.

And for everyone else who is reading this and not planning on changing cities, your takeaway is that being successful in dating is in letting go of expectations and being your most relaxed self no matter where you are. Don’t wait to turn on your A-Game when you’re in Costa Rica or packing the van for Chicago. Let go of your fear, embrace your confidence, and people will come flocking to you wherever you are.