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Evan,
I have a hell of a relationship conundrum and need some no-BS advice. I recently met a girl via match.com. We’ve dated for 5 weeks and we’re basically gf-bf. She’s a great gal, ideal companion, affectionate, great conversationalist, and fun to be around.
I really can’t say enough about her, except for one thing. The one thing is that the sex is awful. Not mediocre, not so-so, but awful. The crux of it is that she doesn’t have orgasms at all. I strongly believe it’s psychological and not an issue with me. My primary piece of evidence here is that she’s stated her inability to climax has been universal with all her partners (FYI, she’s in her thirties).
Suffice it to say, it’s extraordinarily frustrating for both of us to have sex, to the point where I don’t look forward to it at all. Ugh. I’m considering dumping her. Advice?
-Lance
Dear Lance,
Do you stay with an otherwise perfect partner if the sex is bad?
My answer is — not surprisingly — a nuanced one: yes, and no.
It’s your responsibility to make the most of this burgeoning relationship before tossing in the proverbial sticky towel.
Yes, you stay with her, at least for the time being. It’s your responsibility to make the most of this burgeoning relationship before tossing in the proverbial sticky towel. It may be frustrating for you, but, if you’re like most guys, you’ve done the hot and crazy thing before. You know how that ends. And with you throwing around terms like “ideal companion” and “fun to be around,” you better give this girl the full benefit of the doubt.
To that end, you need to focus on things that you can control and let go of the things you can’t.
Take the orgasm thing, for example. Here’s some stats that my man (and my wife’s crush) Dr. Drew had to offer about the percentage of women who climax:
– 50-60% of women will never have an orgasm via intercourse and will require clitoral stimulation to climax.
– 30% of women will have a reliable orgasm with intercourse.
– 10% of women will orgasm with intercourse and could possibly have sequential orgasms.
– 5% of women have true multiple orgasms only through intercourse and these women typically find oral sex uncomfortable.
Other research, Lance, shows that 12-15% of women don’t have ANY orgasms. This linked study suggests that it’s genetic, but it may, in fact, be psychological as well.
The real question, then, becomes: why is it so important for you to make your girlfriend come? Ultimately, she’s the one who’s responsible for her own orgasm, and if unlocking that mystery isn’t a priority to her, there’s not much you can do about it. So let me ask you, my friend: does she ENJOY sex? Does she growl and moan and scratch and bite and make you feel like a man? Because if so, you can have a perfectly incredible sex life without having to say “I made her come five times”. Really. That’s just your ego talking.
This is where you really need to communicate with her — not as a finger-pointer, but as a problem solver.
However, because I know a little more about this situation, I know that it’s not just that she doesn’t climax — that’s just symbolic. The real issue is that she doesn’t provide any passion in the bedroom. She giggles when you dominate her and she doesn’t carry herself with the sex appeal to which you’re accustomed from previous (and admittedly toxic) girlfriends.
This is where you really need to communicate with her — not as a finger-pointer, but as a problem solver. It may not be easy for her to hear, because she will then feel very self-conscious and judged, but it is imperative to the health of your relationship. This is what makes sex questions such a quandary. You’ll spend 1% of the rest of your life having sex…but because theoretically, this is the ONLY person with whom you’ll be having it, you at least want to make sure it’s decent.
How do you quantify “decent” sex? Probably the same way you quantify “decent” chemistry. If you can find someone who stimulates you as a 6 or 7 on a scale of 1-10, and she’s also an “ideal companion”, I’d say that’s a relationship worth investing in. If you dump her, realize that the women with whom you had the best sex have, traditionally, NOT been the most reliable life partners. There IS a tradeoff.
But it doesn’t have to be SUCH a tradeoff.
Let her know that you want more passion in the bedroom — be very specific about what turns you on — and give her the opportunity to attempt to please you. Maybe you’ll awaken something in her. Maybe not. But at least you will not be giving up on the most promising relationship you’ve had in years without putting up a fight. Keep us posted.
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