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I think all of us are familiar with the terms “nice” and “kind.”
But have you ever really thought about what exactly these two words mean? What are we really saying when we say “she is nice” or that “he is kind?”
Often we use the words interchangeably when describing people. A nice man holds the door for his date, and so does a kind man; both actions indicate someone being considerate towards others. The problem is that the motivations of our door opening nice man and our kind man be very, very different.
Let’s explore these motivations by breaking down the dictionary definitions of these two words.
Nice: the quality of being friendly, generous, and considerate.
Kind: doing something helpful to others, or that comes from a desire to do good without needing a return or payback.
Based on these two definitions, if our door opening man’s motivations are to spare you from extra effort or inconvenience, then the action should be considered kind, as well as nice if it pleases the other person. But if his sole goal is to open the door, so she will think he’s a gentleman, then yes, it is nice, but there is no kindness attached.
Understand that you don’t have to relinquish your wants and desires when you date with kindness. Kindness is not a one-way street. Kindness is about performing good deeds without expecting anything in return. That’s it.
And although it may sound relatively simple, it is, for most people, quite tricky. That is because, generally speaking, most singles, and people in general, are pretty selfish beings. That is not to say they only think about themselves, but when it comes to one’s happiness over someone else’s, the kindness needle generally points inward.
So your takeaway here is to understand that the best barometer to indicate if you’re being kind or just being nice to someone is when you do something for someone ask yourself, why you did it?
Another way to look at the nice/kindness quotient is to say that being nice makes you feel good and is a way to improve your social standing, but being kind is an act of doing good and a way to lift others up.
Let me explore this with a simple scenario that often happens to me when I am out around town. When I pass another person, I will smile or wave, and if I don’t get a wave or get a smile back, I get annoyed.
So when I do this, I am being nice, but am I being kind? I am clearly being nice, not kind. The reason is simple; I am expecting something back. If I perform the same act of waving with no expectation of a wave or a smile back, guess what happens? I no longer am annoyed and will feel any negative feelings towards others.
The bottom line is that when more of your actions are kind rather than just nice, it has a liberating effect on your soul. For singles, kindness is also a super attractive quality and can make you even more desirable to potential partners. That being said, kindness can’t be a one-way street where you shower the world with your good deeds. That is not authentic kindness anyway because, in reality, being kind doesn’t always feel nice. For example, sometimes being kind means telling your date that their breath doesn’t smell very good or that maybe they should refrain from using curse words in public settings.
We can even show kindness when we end a relationship. Check out my video below to learn tips for breaking up with someone kindly.
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Kindness allows for, and necessitates, that you establish proper boundaries and communicate those boundaries to the people around you. When you live with kindness, you are far less worried about your image and how your dating life progresses because you are not concerned about your station or image in life. On the flip side, nice acts are often ways to control others and the world around you, while kindness allows you to give up control and look for ways to help others.
It’s liberating in that way.
I am aware that very few of us can wake up tomorrow and be this Mother Theresa-type person who oozes kindness. No, my goal in writing this is for you to start considering when you are being nice and when you are being kind on dates. Occasionally ask yourself, “Did I do this because it’s the nice thing to do or because you relinquished control and thought of the other person before yourself?”
I strongly feel that when you date with a little more kindness in your life, you will have more fun dating and be on a fast track to attracting and keeping the forever partner of your dreams.
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