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Have you fallen for a guy who says he’s “confused”? He really likes you and spends time with you, but isn’t sure if he’s ready for a real commitment yet. If you’ve experienced this, you will know that this type of hedging can leave you INCREDIBLY confused. You know you can’t live in limbo forever, but you also can’t let go.
In today’s video, I show you how to navigate this confusing situation and take back control of the situation.
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Matthew:
Before we get into the video, I have a big announcement today on April the 13th, I am holding my now famous 30-day Confidence Challenge. This is a live coaching experience that kicks off with me on April the 13th. For anyone who wants to graduate from just watching me on YouTube to an actual coaching experience that I have created and it’s free, join us for the 30 days. Build your confidence. Go over to MHChallenge.com. You can do it while you’re watching this right now, just open up a new tab on your browser. Type in MHChallenge.com, type your email address in and I’ll send you all of the information. Did you do it? Did you? Great. I can’t wait to see you on the 13th. Now let’s get onto the video.
Over 15 years I’ve been doing this now, and that means that I have heard just about every excuse that has ever been made for why someone isn’t ready for a relationship or why someone can’t give another person what they want, and still, because I have a whole membership called the LoveLife Club, I have thousands of members who every month on our live coaching calls will at some point give me another excuse that someone has given them that they are taking at face value and there are just so many. What are some of the common ones, Audrey?
Audrey:
I can’t be in a relationship because work is so busy right now.
Matthew:
Okay, so I can’t be in a relationship because work is so busy. What else?
Audrey:
Oh, I know this one. I like you too much.
Matthew:
I like you too much.
Audrey:
Yeah.
Matthew:
Okay.
Matthew:
I can’t be with you. I just like you too much. What else?
Audrey:
I’m just really confused right now.
Matthew:
I’m just really confused right now. I was hurt in the past. That’s another one.
Audrey:
Yeah, I was hurt in the past.
Matthew:
I got hurt.
Audrey:
And I’m afraid to get hurt again.
Matthew:
I don’t want to get hurt again. You have a little thing you do, don’t you, when you are talking about people that give these excuses that often are about being confused. What is it you say?
Audrey:
Well, it’s like I’m not the bad guy. I’m just the confused guy or I’m not the bad guy. I’m just the busy guy.
Matthew:
I’m not the bad guy. I’m just a confused guy. Like that. She hates when I do that.
Audrey:
I like that.
Matthew:
I’m not the bad guy. I’m just a busy guy. I just got a big business. I got to do a bunch of business stuff.
Audrey:
It’s not how it goes.
Matthew:
I’m not the bad guy. I just got a bit my heart break in the past. I got… I’m not the bad guy.
Audrey:
I’m not the bad guy. I’m just the hurt guy.
Matthew:
I’m not the bad guy. I just don’t want to take you to Italy, give you a little pasta, a little trip. Maybe say I want to marry you. I don’t really, but what’s the problem? I’m not the bad guy. I’m just a confused guy. When someone is telling you something that seems to either defy logic completely or just seems to be making life too complicated, instead of trying to work out how to solve their problem, when someone says to you, “I’m too busy for a relationship,” that’s what they’ve concluded. Either it’s true or it’s not, but that’s what they’ve concluded or they’re just telling you this because it’s easier than being the bad guy.
That’s what it’s coming from. We have to be very careful. The number of times I have been coaching someone and I watched them trying to solve an unsolvable riddle because the problem isn’t even real in the first place. The problem is just something someone created so that they could create an element of confusion while keeping the door open. It was an open loop. It’s a way of saying you don’t go anywhere, but I am going to give you some kind of logic that removes me from the game so that you stop asking for as much. It’s like that person wants to leave the door open for maximum options in the future while monopolizing your attention by making themselves the only person you can think about. Have you got someone in your life right now who’s giving you a kind of convoluted excuse or some intricate reason why they can’t give you what you want?
I want you to apply a principle called Occam’s Razor, which I have in a book that just happens to be by my feet. Occam’s razor. Simpler explanations are more likely to be true than complicated ones. Named after the medieval logician William of Occam. Occam’s Razor is a general rule by which we select among competing explanations. Occam wrote that a plurality is not to be posited without necessity. In other words, we should prefer the simplest explanation with the fewest moving parts. If someone says to you, “I like you too much and it scares me, and for that reason I just feel like I can’t go any further,” you have to ask yourself what has to be true for that to be true? Well, this person has to like me so much that they’ve literally decided that this thing that brings them so much joy is not possible.
That they have to go in search of someone they like less so that they can be happier. Or you take the view that this person is just saying the easy thing. Which one is more likely to be true? Occam’s Razor says it’s obviously someone just saying something that makes their exit easy, but not just their exit easy. Something that makes their re-entry easy because at any point they can come back, send you a little text and be like, “I can’t stop thinking of you. Remember when I said I just like you so much? Too much? Well, that’s happening to me right now. I like you too much to let you go, but I also like you too much to be with you. I’m a confused guy.” Occam’s Razor says that is hokum. Nonsense. Bollocks. How is it that someone who is selfishly dishing out a logic that they think is palatable to us allows them to remain the hero or at the very least a sympathetic character and allows them to come back in whenever they want?
How is it that we can so easily end up believing the things that they’re saying and then trying to solve a problem that’s not real in the first place? “Well, if you are too busy with your job, I would support you. We could see each other after work. We can see each other in the cracks of time. I feel like we could make it work.” I think that that’s trying to solve a problem that’s not real in the first place. Why do we do this? Because when we really like someone and when we really want to find love and when we feel that there is a glimmer of hope in this situation, we want it to be true. We become a biased judge. We contort reality in whatever way we have to do it, pretzeling the situation into some form of sense that allows it to be true in our mind.
That is where we end up saying something to somebody else going, “Well, they said this” and our friend says, “You believed that? That’s mental.” But we’ve all believed something like that in the past, haven’t we? Haven’t you had a moment where there was someone in your life and they sold you on a logic that felt true at the time, but it wasn’t because it was really true, it was because you wanted it to be true? We’ve all been in that situation of believing the ridiculous, of believing the convoluted, the complex, instead of applying Occam’s Razor. And I’m not saying that every person who doesn’t give you the real reason that they don’t want to have a relationship with you has these sort of manipulative intentions to come back into your life whenever they please, while also keeping you at arm’s length. Some people are like that and other people, they just don’t want to be honest because being honest is hard.
It’s hard to tell someone exactly why you don’t want to continue with them. We all at times want to go down the path of least resistance and the path of least resistance is often in breakups or telling someone that you can’t give them what they want. The moment where you tell them something that’s easy to say regardless of whether it confuses them, but what you have to take from this is when someone gives you something that’s confusing instead of trying to make it not confusing, instead say to yourself, confusion is closure. When someone doesn’t know what they want, when they have a reason why they can’t be with me, it’s not my job to fix it. It’s not my job to take it on board and try to figure out what I can do better or how I can be enough or how I can solve the logistical problem they’ve handed me.
My job is to just interpret all of this as someone who actually isn’t in the market for a relationship in the way that I am. That’s it. Confusion is closure, and remember I’ve said this before, I’ll say it again. I think it’s one of the most important lines I’ve ever said in this area. When you imagine talking to someone like this, imagine yourself saying “You have your reasons, but I have my reality. Whatever your reason is for why you are the way you are or why you are treating me the way you’re treating me, my reality is that my needs aren’t getting met and I’m looking at a person who doesn’t see the decision to be with me as a simple one. That’s all I need to know.” Let them walk away with their confusion. You walk away with the simplicity, that confusion is closure. Now go find someone who knows what they want.
I hope you like that video. Before you go anywhere, let me tell you a little bit about what we are all going to do together in the 30-day Confidence Challenge. So on April the 13th, I’m going to be joining you live for an hour where we are going to be talking about five specific missions that I’m going to give you and you are going to complete over the 30 days as part of a private community that I am creating for this. So we’re all going to go through it together, holding each other accountable and completing these five missions that are psychologically designed to measurably improve your confidence in these 30 days. Go over to MHChallenge.com now if you haven’t already, sign up for free and I will send you the access details for the live session with me on the 13th and a link to the private community where we’re all going to hold each other accountable. I’ll see you over there. The link again is MHChallenge.com. I can’t wait. This is going to be fun.
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