This Is The Emotionally Intelligent Way To Solve Conflicts In Your Relationships

There are few universal truths when it comes to relationships. One of them, however, is that if you’re in a relationship with someone, you’re going to fight.

Conflicts in relationships are inevitable. Even in the healthiest, most amenable, emotionally intelligent relationship, you and your partner will inevitably bump up on a conflict. This isn’t inherently a bad thing. Conflicts in relationships happen, in part, because you’re dealing with two (or more) individuals, with unique goals, wants and needs. Since none of us live a frictionless existence – no matter how much some people may try – there will be times when those goals, wants or needs are going to interfere with each other. It may be in large, significant ways – such as a difference in religious beliefs or desire to have children – or in small, seemingly petty ways, like whose culinary tastes dictate what you have for meals and when.

However, the fact that you have conflicts doesn’t mean that you’re doomed to fight, or that those fights are going to be knock-down, drag out, relationship-damaging affairs. Understanding how to handle those conflicts helps keep them from escalating from an inconvenience to a mutual blow-up that’ll make the Tunguska blast look like a party-popper in comparison.

Here’s how to handle conflicts the right way and resolve those disputes before they rage out of control.

Stop Trying to Avoid The Fight

Right off the bat, let’s talk about a mistake a lot of people make, especially early on. One of the worst things you can do to the long-term health of your relationship is to try to avoid the conflict in the first place.

This often – not always, but often – comes from a place of good intentions. A lot of people believe – mistakenly – that in an ideal relationship, you shouldn’t have any conflict. The more you fight, they believe, the greater the sign that something’s wrong. And while this isn’t entirely incorrect, some people will take it to the extreme. For them, this often ends up manifesting in a sort of cargo-cult mentality; if fighting means that there’s something wrong in the relationship, then not fighting means everything must be fine. Even if, say, the effect of not fighting is that one partner has just been gritting their teeth and white-knuckling it every time their desires and their partners desires bump into one another.

Other times, one partner may try to just swallow their disgreement and not say anything for fear of what the consequences may be. They may have decided that resolving the conflict is less important than the potential consequences of actually expressing their preference or opinion. So they go along with whatever their partner wants, rather than dealing with the conflict itself.

Still other times, the avoidant partner may well just be so checked out that they simply can’t bring themselves to give a six-legged rat’s ass about it. They let the words go in one ear and out the other, paying little attention and giving even less effort to resolving the issue. This may look like them simply allowing the other partner to constantly have their way, or it may look like their simply stonewalling – being so impassive and immutable that the other partner ultimately just runs out of steam and gives up.

Needless to say… none of these are great choices. Not, at least, unless you’re hoping for an eventual drama bomb explosion that the Real Housewives of Salt Lake City would envy. There’s no real benefit to just trying to avoid the fight entirely. You may worry that having an Awkward Conversation might damage the relationship, but not talking things out with your partner will ensure that the damage is done.

Simply avoiding the conflict, whether through constantly giving in or just steadfastly refusing to engage doesn’t make the problem go away. All it does is lead to the avoidant partner bottling up their emotions until they pop from the pressure, or lead to so much buildup of resentment and bitterness that you end up with the emotional equivalent of a Superfund site. Rather than actually preventing conflict, it just kicks that proverbial can down the road. Then, when the pressure has built up past their breaking point, it all comes out at once… often over the smallest and pettiest of grievances.

When a couple has a full-bore, relationship extinction event over something seemingly as small as who does the dishes, it’s often really the sum of every “avoided” conflict rolled into one. The current casus belli is just the trigger, the match that lights the fuse. It’s all the fights they didn’t have that cause the earth-shattering kaboom.

Now, all of this isn’t to say that the proper response to every squabble is “I would like to rage.” Accommodating your partner’s desire (or vice versa) in order to end a fight or prevent one in the first place can be good, especially if a small sacrifice on your part would lead to a much greater level of satisfaction and happiness for your partner. Similarly, putting off a fight isn’t inherently bad. If you’re someone who has a hard time thinking clearly when your emotions run high, postponing the conflict until you’re not as heated up is a good thing. It means that by coming back to it, you’ll be in a better position to actually deal with the problem instead of going off half-cocked.

However, there’s a difference between knowing when to pick your battles and simply avoiding all forms of conflict. Arguing in and of itself isn’t a sign that the relationship is in trouble. Hell, some couples are highly passionate and big emotional displays end up being part of their vibe. In many cases, it’s the silence that’s the warning sign, not the flash and the noise. How you fight and whether those cause of the fights are resolved are what tells you if there’s an underlying problem… and how everyone feels afterwards.

(In fairness: if you’re constantly fighting over big things, then you’re probably a bad match. If you’re constantly fighting over small things… well, that is either a fight over who’s ‘in charge’, or y’all are getting more from this than just fighting…)

If you’re spending more time grinding your teeth in frustration than you are actually discussing things? Then you’re ultimately rolling out the barrels of TNT that’re going to turn your relationship and/or your self-esteem into a smoking crater.

Don’t Assume You Know What Your Partner Is Thinking Or Feeling

So let’s talk about the second most common mistake people make – one that tends to turn minor irritations into full-bore shouting matches: you’re assuming you know more than you actually do. This is especially true when it comes to how your partner feels about a particular topic. I can’t count the number of times I’ve seen fights erupt and relationships end because one person or the other was working from bad information. They had an idea in their head about what their partner thought or how their partner felt about a particular issue and were reacting to that, rather than to reality.

The most common example of this mistake is when someone lets their anxiety or presuppositions define their reality. A person who, for example, feels insecure in their relationship may let their jealousy color how they see their partner’s actions. They see their partner having a good time with a purely platonic friend and leap to conclusions like it’s an Olympic event and they’re going for the gold. Their anxiety tells them that their partner’s friendly behavior is, in fact, a sign of romantic or sexual interest and leaves them feeling threatened. However, instead of addressing the actual issue, they lash out instead.

If the jealous partner recognized that the ultimate problem was their insecurity or fear, they could ask for what they actually need. They could ask their partner for a little reassurance, to love them a little louder or otherwise help walk them back from the metaphorical ledge. However, if they assume that they already know what their partner is feeling – getting all cozy with fuckin’ Gary from Management Row, with his smile and his corner office – then the conflict ends up becoming about the sins they’re imagining rather than the actual issue.

Other times, the difference between what you think and what you actually know comes about because of inaction. If, for example, you continually choke down your feelings in order to avoid fights and conflict, then it’s understandable that your partner may think that you like something that you actively loathe. Or you may have been right about how they felt in the past. However, circumstances have changed, how they feel has changed, and now you’re responding to outdated information.

Part of the problem is that it’s very easy to assume you know more than you actually do. We all have a tendency to think that we’re gimlet-eyed, objective observers of the world and that we can see the Matrix the way other people can’t. In fact, we often fall prey to the illusion of asymmetric insight, where we assume that we have picture-perfect knowledge about someone else but we’re like an impenetrable, unsolvable enigma to everyone else. So while we’re raging about being misunderstood, we are too busy reacting to what we think we know, rather than recognizing what we don’t know.

And this can be a problem. If you’re reacting to what you assume, rather than to genuine knowledge, then you end up fighting the wrong battle. This can be problematic, even when you’re trying to be supportive, rather than trying to untangle a clash of competing interests. If you don’t know, for example, that your partner made peace and got closure from a bad friend break-up, then your being angry on your partner’s behalf could end up causing more problems.

As awkward as the phrase may sound, there are known unknowns and unknown unknowns; that is, the things you are aware that you don’t know yet, and the things that you don’t know that you don’t know. When it comes to dealing with conflicts in your relationship, start from a position of assuming that you don’t know how your partner feels and work from there. Checking in with your partner is important, especially when it comes to making sure you understand what they’re thinking or feeling. This is never more true than when it comes to trying to stop fighting and fix the problem instead.

In fact, while we’re on the subject…

Don’t Try to Fix the Problem, Try to Understand The Problem

Here’s the thing about trying to fix conflicts in your relationship: it doesn’t do you a damn bit of good if you have no idea what the problem actually is. In fact, the difference between the problem you have and the problem you’re trying to fix can be like night and day. Long-time readers of my column will be familiar with one of my favorite refrains: “the problem you’re asking about isn’t the problem you have.” This comes up often, in no small part because many times, the thing that people are the most concerned with is a symptom, not the root cause. Treating the symptom doesn’t ultimately change anything; the underlying issue has gone unaddressed and so new symptoms will just end up cropping up.

This is especially true when it comes to conflicts in your relationship. A lot of times, the things you and your sweetie are fighting over aren’t necessarily the real problem. And even if it is an entirely surface-level issue, it’s still possible to be in conflict because you aren’t hearing each other.

The classic example is, of course, the fight over who is or isn’t doing the housework – especially the dishes. On the surface, it seems fairly simple; Steve’s doing a much greater share of the household chores, and they want Gary to contribute more. Where things get tricky however, is that the seemingly obvious solution – Gary gets off his ass and goes and does the dishes or the vacuuming or whatever – doesn’t actually fix things. In fact, Steve may actually get angrier afterwards. Again, on the surface, this seems absurd; the dishes got done, the floors got vacuumed, the laundry was folded, problem solved. So why the hell is Steve still pissed after Gary did what they asked for?

Well, the answer is because Steve had to ask Gary to do the dishes (or what-have-you) in the first place. The dishes were the symptom; the underlying problem is that Gary doesn’t volunteer to do the housework of his own volition. He only starts picking up the slack when Steve asks directly, otherwise he’s off doing his own thing. So now Gary’s confused (and angry) because he’s done the thing that Steve asked for and that’s apparently not good enough. Meanwhile, Steve’s angry because he had to ask Gary, again, to help out, and Gary isn’t getting the goddamn message.

As a result, the wrong problem was solved, and the conflict rages on.

This is why trying to solve the problem isn’t the right move. Before you try to fix things, you want to make sure you understand what the problem is from your partner’s perspective. Whether you’re the one who’s bringing up the problem or the one being told that there is a conflict, you want to make sure you actually understand what your partner is saying, what they’re feeling and what they’re asking for. So before you start trying to resolve things, you want to make sure that you and they are actually on the same page and understand each other.

One of the ways you can avoid this particular disconnect is to use what’s known as “reflective listening”. This is a form of active listening, where you listen to what the other person has to say and then repeat it back to them in your own words in order to make confirm you understand what they’re saying. So, in the case of Steve and Gary, being willing to actually listen and then explain what they’re hearing back would make all the difference.

In this case, Gary using reflective listening would be a way of highlighting that he’s not understanding what Steve is actually asking for and to get clarification. So Gary might say: “If I’m understanding you correctly, you’re saying that you want me to want to do the dishes. I’m not sure what you mean by that; are you asking me to enjoy doing the dishes, or are you asking for something else?”

The benefit in this case, is that Gary is making it clear that there’s a miscommunication going on. He’s hearing Steve ask for something, but he’s clearly missing some critical factor. By repeating what Steve said and asking for confirmation, Gary’s ultimately identifying where the miscommunication is occurring. Now Steve can explain things in a clearer manner – “I want you to start doing more of the housework without my having to ask you first, because I feel like you’re just leaving all the responsibilities to me while you just relax and enjoy yourself. It makes me feel like I’m a maid, not your boyfriend.”

Once Gary and Steve are able to clear up the misconceptions, they’re able to solve the actual problem – the way Gary’s inaction is making Steve feel.

However, this can lead to another problem, if you’re not careful…

Don’t Focus on Facts, Focus on the Emotions

Raise your hand if this has ever happened to you: you’re arguing with someone and they say something that you know is factually wrong. In fact, not only are they objectively, factually wrong, but you actually have the receipts to prove it. And yet, when you’re done pulling out the charts and graphs and demonstrating that they’re wrong and you’re right… somehow they’re even more upset at you.

To give an example, let’s go back to the saga of Gary and Steve. Steve tells Gary that he needs to do more of the household chores. Gary, having been through this fight before and feeling particularly put upon, lists the exact number of times that he’s done that. He can prove that he’s done the dishes twice this week, three times last week and twice the week before. Clearly, this means that Steve is wrong and he does, in fact, pull more of his weight than Steve says and Steve’s argument is invalid, squid pro crow, Screw E D.

Far from having won the argument and fixed things, now Gary’s lucky to be sleeping on the couch, if not kicked out of the apartment altogether. Strange how proving someone completely wrong failed to make them feel better.

There are two problems here. First there’s the fact that Gary has fallen victim to one of the classic blunders, the most famous of which is “never tell your partner that their sister’s hotter than them”, but only slightly less well known is this: being correct is a very different thing from being happy.

Second, it’s that Gary has behaved as though this is an argument about facts and not feelings. Like I said earlier, the underlying issue is how Gary’s behavior is making Steve feel, not the exact number of times Gary washed the dishes. Even if Steve drew up a list of everything that needed to be done and divided it exactly in half so that they had the exact same number of chores that required the exact same amount of time and effort to accomplish them, that wouldn’t solve the conflict. The conflict isn’t about the division of labor, per se, it’s about how Gary leaves Steve feeling like he’s being taken for granted. That’s not something you fix by having a perfectly equitable exchange of labor; you fix it by addressing the feelings.

What Gary did wasn’t prove that Steve was objectively wrong and Gary was right. What Gary did was tell Steve that Steve didn’t have a right to feel hurt. Gary may not have intended to send that message, but by focusing on the facts instead of the underlying emotion, he was saying “this nitpicky detail means that your feelings don’t count and you’re not allowed to be upset at me.”

This is, needless to say, the emotional equivalent of trying to put out a grease fire by lobbing a Molotov cocktail at it.

This, incidentally, is a common problem in men, especially straight cis men. Because we’re socialized to be doers and that our value is in part tied to our actions, we prioritize the facts and details of an argument over the emotions behind it. But when the conflict is over how you make someone feel, arguing the facts just becomes another way of saying “you don’t really feel that way”. And there are few ways of more efficiently sticking your dick into a beehive than telling someone how they feel… especially when they don’t feel that way. You are ultimately – if inadvertently – trying to define their reality. That’s a great way to piss someone off… even if that’s not what you intended.

This is another time when techniques like reflective listening are important. By saying “I want to make sure I understand: you’re saying you feel like I don’t appreciate you and I take you for granted,” Gary is acknowledging and validating how Steve feels. Even if Steve’s details are off – Gary does do half the housework – validating Steve’s feelings are important. If someone feels listened to and understood, it’s much easier to start moving away from accusations and conflict and towards a solution. It’s no longer an argument about who gets to define reality, nor are you lecturing them from on high.

Even if you disagree about the fundamental premise of the conflict, you’re still acknowledging the areas that you do agree on. You’re telling them that you see them, you hear them and you understand.

But speaking of understanding…

Make Sure You Speak Your Partner’s Language

Let’s talk about one of the most important parts of solving conflicts in your relationship: you have to actually understand what your partner’s saying. More importantly: you need to be familiar with how they’re saying it.

Now, I’m about to sound like I’m contradicting what I’ve said before; stick with me for a moment, I promise this will all make sense.

The idea about reflective listening is a good one… but it’s also important to recognize that the version people are most familiar with is very neurotypical. For someone who’s neurodivergent, the ways of showing that you’re listening and understanding can vary. The way a lot of neurodivergent people – such as someone who is autistic or has ADHD – might show that they’re listening and understanding can seem like they’re distracted or self-involved. You mention that you’re feeling down because you just lost your job and they tell you the story about how they got fired in some dramatic fashion.

To you, this sounds like they’re dominating the conversation or making it all about them. What they’re doing, however, is a form of active empathizing. What they’re attempting to do is show that they understand how you feel because they’ve been there to and that you’re not alone. They’re saying “I get you, I understand and I know it sucks. But also I’ve been in this hole before and I know the way out.” They’re just doing so in a way that you may or may not be used to. If you aren’t aware that this is how they’re empathizing with you, then you might think that they’re being rude.

But if you do know them and the way they reach out, then the meaning is clear. It may not make sense to others, and it may not be your preferred way of someone connecting with you… but you get it. And hopefully, you appreciate it.

One of the reasons why conflicts in relationships can flare up over and over again despite our best efforts, is because there are fundamental miscommunications going on, and even active, reflexive listening may not help bridge that gap. Not, at least,  if you don’t speaking the same language as your partners.

Everyone has their own way communicating after all, and we all tend to think ours way is universal. But what’s clear communication to us may be as clear as mud to someone else. Much like understanding your partner’s love languages, understanding how your partner communicates is a critical part of solving conflicts in your relationship. Especially while you’re in the middle of trying to resolve that conflict.

Take crying, for example. A lot of men get annoyed or upset if their female partners start crying during an argument or particularly intense discussion. To them, it feels almost like cheating; they’re now the asshole who made their girlfriend or wife cry, and now they feel obligated to give in to make the tears stop. It comes across like a form of manipulation, because toxic tropes about masculinity mean that men are often be uncomfortable with open displays of emotion. But in reality, some folks simply tear up when they feel particularly strong emotions, both good and bad. If they’re angry, they tear up. If they’re happy, they tear up. When they taste a particularly exquisite biryani… well, you get the picture.

Other folks have a hard time thinking clearly when they’re upset or impulsively lash out. To them, avoiding a conflict is less about not dealing with the problem, but postponing things so that they can discuss it when they’re not as likely to make things worse by accident. But if you don’t understand that this is how they roll, then you could be forgiven for thinking that they were blowing you off. Some people get loud and expressive and talk with their hands when they get emotional; if you don’t know better, then you might think they’re angrier than they actually are. Worse, you might think that they’re being intimidating or even threatening.

By that same token, if your partner doesn’t know that you get quiet when you’re upset because you’re trying to gather your thoughts and figure out the way to phrase what you’re feeling, then they might not realize just how much the issue is bothering you. Or if you use humor as a way to try to deescalate a fight or ease a tense situation, they might think you’re not taking them seriously. It doesn’t matter if you’re shouting “I love you” at the top of your lungs if your partner doesn’t understand how you communicate. All they hear is yelling and noise.

Just as the key to solving a conflict is to try to understand it first, understanding your partner is the key to making sure that you don’t make conflicts worse than they already are. Making sure that you’re understood – or that you understand them – means that you have to be willing to consider that the way you do something isn’t automatically the right way. Just as a neurodivergent person might try connect and empathize in a way that seems rude because it’s outside your norm, the way people in other cultures fight or argue can differ from yours. One person’s heated argument is another’s friendly banter; the volume and the intensity get mistaken for aggression and anger because it’s what you’re used to. Meanwhile your calm and stoic reserve may come across as arrogance or detachment, when you’re trying to show respect by listening carefully and thinking things through.

And, in fairness, this can be difficult at times. A lot of people aren’t necessarily aware of their communication style, any more than a fish is aware of water. It’s just something that they’re so used to that they never pay attention to it. But difficult isn’t the same as impossible;  if anything that difficulty can make it even more important to be able to bridge that gap.

After all, the point of resolving conflicts in your relationship isn’t about who wins or loses, who’s right or wrong or who gets their way. It’s about fixing the problem in a way that’s ultimately best for everyone and the relationship. If you can keep that goal in sight, you help ensure that you and your partner have a long, happy and satisfying relationship.