Want More From Someone? DO NOT Chase; Do THIS Instead!

Matthew:

I wanted to talk today about one of the most common mistakes that we make when we are really excited about someone, we’re attracted, and we want to bring them closer to us. We want to turn it into something lasting. And maybe we feel like that person is either a little bit out of reach or we feel like we’re not entirely sure of how they feel about us, and we find ourselves investing more and more in them to try to secure the relationship. In the process, what happens is the things that are important in our life right now, whether it’s our friends, our family, our hobbies, the things that give us a sense of value and identity in our lives, those things start to fade into the background as we make this person the focus of all of our attention. Why do we do this? Well, when we really want to find love and we suddenly meet someone who seems to epitomize everything we’ve been looking for, we’ve decided, based on this person’s qualities, characteristics, what they look like, how they act, that this is the love we’ve been looking for.

All of a sudden it feels like there is nothing more important in the world than securing this thing, and we do the one thing in this moment that is the opposite of what we should be doing. We should be grounding ourselves in the things that are important in our own life, connecting to these things that give us a sense of worth outside of a person. And yet we lose connection with all of those things, and we get drawn into the gravitational pull of how do I please this person? How do I make this person mine? How do I make them want me? That instinct to try harder when we want to get someone is actually an instinct that works against us. Because someone doesn’t become more attracted to us or want us more simply because we are trying harder.

When they feel us trying harder, and for some people it makes them kind of pull away a bit or it makes them feel like they can pick us up and put us down whenever they want. It makes them feel like they’re in control the whole time, it makes us even more anxious and then we drift even further from these other things that matter in our life in an attempt to double down on the energy that we’re putting into this person. There’s a story that Mark Manson talks about in his book, The Subtle Art Of Not Giving A F*ck, and he tells this story of a guy called David Mustaine who got kicked out of the band Metallica, and went on to start the band Megadeth, which was a hugely successful band. David Mustaine is seen as one of the most influential people in his genre and that band, Megadeth, went on to sell 25 million albums and tour the world several times, but he couldn’t get it out of his mind that he would never be successful, truly successful unless he was able to outdo what his old band Metallica was doing.

But Metallica were huge. They sold 125 million albums, and he really struggled with the chasm between where they were and where he perceived himself to be in his success. Mark Manson then compares this story to the story of Pete Best, a guy who was kicked out of the Beatles, but went on to marry and have kids and have a very happy life. A happy life that he described as only being possible because he got kicked out of the Beatles, and he wasn’t resentful for that. He was happy about it. He said, “Being kicked out of the Beatles brought me to the life that I now love.” Now, what Mark Manson points out is that the difference in why Pete Best was able to be happy in a way that David Mustaine wasn’t is because Pete Best valued different things.

And if we want to be happy, we have to learn to value the right things. Now, let’s take this back to the dating scenario. When we value more than anything else, the idea of finding a person to share our lives with and then we meet a person who represents that dream in the flesh, all of a sudden we’ll do anything to make that happen, even if it means losing or ignoring all of these other important parts of our life. And of course, when we ignore certain things, we lose connection to them and they don’t feel as significant anymore. And of course when we divest in them, they start to shrink because they’re not getting love and attention from us anymore. What we have to do, which is very counterintuitive when we find something we really want, is double down on the meaning that we get from these other areas of our life.

Whether it’s your hobbies, your passions, your friends, your family, the ways you love spending your time, the books you love reading, the things you love to do, the things you love to learn about, your purpose. Those things are the things that, if you value them, will not only bring you a sense of perspective in your life where you go, “Oh, my life is so much bigger than this one area.” Of course I would love for this person to reciprocate and I’d love for it to go somewhere, but if it doesn’t, I have a big, rich life. These things are incredibly important to me, and I have those to fall back on. If we do that, it’s like having legs under the table. I want you to imagine that, here’s your confidence. It’s like a tabletop, and that tabletop is supported by these pillars or legs under the table, and each one of those legs is a different part of your life that gives you strength, that gives you meaning, that gives you purpose, that gives you love.

Now, those are all the things that when we meet someone, we want to come with those legs already strong under the table. We never want to meet someone and either A, not have them, or B, suddenly decide that the legs under the table we do have aren’t important anymore because we found this one really important leg. So at the very time that we feel like we found the dream person, that’s when we have to double down on the areas of our life that support the table. Because when that happens, we’re able to go into that situation as someone’s equal, knowing that if it doesn’t work out, I’m good. I’ve got legs under the table, right? You can break. I’ve got more legs under the table. I don’t need to beg. I don’t need to try harder than is reasonable. I don’t need to keep chasing you.

I’m just going to bring you my best, show you this wonderful life I’ve created, and if that’s not enough for you, and if you don’t give me enough, I don’t need this. I like to think of confidence the same way we think of F you money. When we think of someone who has F you money, what we really describe there is someone who has so much money that they can say no to anything that isn’t right for them. Well, I like to think of F you confidence. F you confidence is when you have so many sturdy legs supporting the table of your confidence that if someone comes along that isn’t right for you, either because they treat you badly or because they don’t invest in you, or they show that they’re not sure of you or because you are not sure of them, you are able to say, “No, thank you. I’m good.”

Because you have so many other things in your life that give you meaning and richness and love and importance. You don’t need that person. No matter how sexy they may be, however hot they may be, or successful, or high status, you know that nothing could be so sexy that it becomes the most important thing in your life to the detriment of everything else. You could be sexy and still be wrong for me. And real confidence isn’t the ability to say no to things you don’t want. Real confidence is the ability to say no to things you do want when they’re not right for you. So here’s my message to you this week. If you meet someone who is attractive and they also represent the hope of adding a leg to the table that is really important, one that you want to add to the table, do the counterintuitive thing.

Keep investing in these other parts of your life that give you F you confidence, that give you the sense that you can say no at any point. If this person isn’t right for you, if they’re not treating you the way that you want to be treated, or if they’re not giving you much energy, they don’t have to be behaving badly, they might just be not giving you much energy, and you realize this isn’t enough. What this person is giving me isn’t enough for me to keep going. Just because someone impressive comes into your life, it doesn’t mean that your world isn’t important. It doesn’t mean that who you are isn’t important. It doesn’t even matter if someone comes into your life and they’ve achieved more than you externally in the tangible results they’ve gotten. They earn more money than you, or they achieved a certain level of status that you didn’t, whatever it may be. Or even that you just think that they’re better looking than you are, right?

Sometimes in life, we come across people like that. We feel like, well, they’re much better looking than me. When you come across someone like that, you can never, ever let it diminish how much of a difference you make in your own life. If all you did was look after your sick brother and that was what you did for your life, you still have a big, rich life that’s important. It’s yours. It’s not less important than this person’s over here that you’ve decided is really impressive and you want to attract. And if you can stay connected to how important your life is, to how important your world is, to the difference you make, even in your immediate sphere of influence, even in your own local way, even in your family. If you stay connected to that, no one can come along and intimidate you. No one can come along and make you feel like you’re not enough or you have to work particularly hard to get their attention because they’re hot shit and you are not.

Stay connected to what is valuable in your life, in your world, about yourself. And then you’ll always be coming to someone as their equal, no matter what the differences are in your lives. And like I said, the way that you do that is at the time when you feel like you want to give up everything else because it’s no longer important now that I found this love, at that time, that’s exactly the time where you have to double down on the things you love, alongside falling for the person in front of you. Investing in yourself is something that makes this a reality. You can watch a video like this and it can give you a sense of, wow, that is really important. And I’ve made that mistake in the past. I’ve got lost in a relationship. I’ve allowed myself to be consumed by someone else.

I have, in the moment. I started liking someone, immediately started undervaluing myself and my life and what I bring to the table. If you’ve been in that position, you know it’s about more than watching a video. What you have to do is train those muscles in your life, invest in yourself, and the investment you make in yourself is the greatest investment you’ll ever make. Because people in life come and go. There’s no guarantee that the person you start dating now, that you fall in love with is still going to be in your life later on, but you’ll still be in your life later on. Any investment you make in yourself is an investment that pays off for the rest of your life. Warren Buffet was asked, “What’s the greatest investment you’ve ever made?” And he said, “The investment I make in myself. When I’ve made investments in myself, those are the ones that pay dividends forever.”

Because no matter what situation you show up to, you bring yourself to that situation. So I want you to invest in you, and this year I have an experience that you can do with me that represents the ultimate investment in yourself. We’re going to do it in June, from the 2nd to the 4th. We’re going to spend three days together and we are going to immerse ourselves in the world of self-growth so that whatever situation you come into contact with, whatever person you meet, you always feel like you’re enough. You always feel like someone’s equal. And when you carry that energy, that F you confidence, that’s exactly the kind of energy that makes someone look at you and say, “This person’s got something, and I want to be around it.”

This event is called the Virtual Retreat, and I want to invite you to come and be a part of it with me. And by the way, there is a ticket right now called the Self-Care Special Ticket, which is only available until March 12th. It’s $100 off, has a live Q&A with me before the event, and it has a access to a masterclass called the Daily Momentum Formula that I did where I give you my formula for having an amazing day every day. So come grab that before March 12th at MHVirtualRetreat.com. I can’t wait to see you there. If you haven’t acted yet, you already missed the early bird ticket that we had on offer. This is the next best thing. Do not miss it this round. I really hope you make it, and I look forward to seeing you in the next video.