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I am curious about what things a woman may do (unintentionally) that lead a man to believe she is trying to change him or has the potential to turn into that chick down the line. Case in point, a guy I was dating for 3 months was great at first. One issue was his conversation was a bit bland via text and phone. He professed to be shy and said he needed to work on his conversational skills. Weeks later I attempted to play a game in which we ask each other an unconventional question. I did it to try and liven up the convo. He agreed, however, it only lasted two rounds and he would answer mine but acted like a deer caught in headlights when it was his turn saying he couldn’t think of anything and felt put on the spot (even though he agreed to play). I explained it was cool and that I was just trying to liven up the conversation and dropped it. We had sex prior to but not immediately before this (like 2 to 3 weeks). My question is would something like that be a red flag to a man? He did profess having a big issue with someone not accepting him for him (but most people feel that way). I feel like he did the slow fade after sex and we no longer talk but I was curious about this as I re-examine my dating habits and assess my approach.
This may seem like an insignificant question but I wonder if it’s these kinds of small details that have been keeping me single as everyone else seems to adore me and yet I am single. Hope this email finds you well and thanks for your thoughts!
Antoinette
Okay, Antoinette, pretend you’re my girlfriend. The first few months we’re great. You’re attractive. You’re engaging. You’re sweet. There’s only one thing nagging me about you: you’re not that great in bed. I don’t actually say this out loud to you for some time, but at some point, you notice that I seem a
little dissatisfied after our latest encounter.
You’re wrong for treating your boyfriend as if he’s your pet project.
You confess to me that you’re not that sexually experienced. You’re a bit insecure about your body. You want to be a little wilder, but you’re just not that comfortable with sex, bodily fluids, new positions or anything mildly kinky. Although you appreciate the idea that I want some feedback during intercourse, it seems unnatural to make loud noises or talk dirty in bed. You’re doing the best you can and you’re trying to open up, but it’s just not that easy. It’s not who you are. Thankfully, I have an idea:
Let’s play a game! (Don’t worry; it’ll be so much fun, you won’t even realize it’s a blatant attempt to steer you into becoming better in bed!)
Here’s how the game works:
It’s a simple role play. I get to be the naïve and inexperienced guy and you get to play the confident, sexy seductress. You slowly undress me, give me a lap dance, tie me to the bed and have your way with me.
Stop worrying, you’ll do great!
Oh, wait, I’m sorry. Does this upset you? Are those tears in your eyes? Because you kind of look like a deer in the headlights right now. I didn’t mean to make you feel bad or make you uncomfortable. After all, you’re my girlfriend and you told me you wanted to be able to let loose in bed. This was just my attempt to help you.
Don’t try to change him to be who YOU want him to be. Someone else will love him just as he is.
Okay, I get it. I’ll drop the seduction game.
Even though you’re admittedly a dud in bed, you need to be accepted as you are, and I will continue to support you (while subtly trying to bring out that freak inside you. I know she’s in there!)
Wait, where are you going?
What did I say?
In other words, you’re not wrong for wanting a better conversationalist, Antoinette.
You’re wrong for treating your boyfriend as if he’s your pet project.
Find a guy who is more interesting to talk to; don’t try to change him to be who YOU want him to be. Someone else will love him just as he is — introverted and all.
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