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Estimated reading time: 18 minutes
Hello there Dr. NerdLove
I was thinking for quite a while to submit this story but since it still bothers me to this day I really believe I need your help. Below I will try to keep the story as compact as possible.
On May of 2022 I was scrolling through Tinder and managed to score a match with a girl whom we will call Gina. I could tell she was a foreigner, and most likely a tourist (I live in Greece), which usually puts me off, ‘cause in the end they will leave for good. But in the name of trying to get the Tinder algorithm to keep working, I messaged her. She was very invested from the start, something that does not happen usually on dating apps. For reference it was a Wednesday that I started talking to her. Since she was seeming so interested, I did not hesitate to ask her for a date in our first day of talking. I asked if she wanted to hang out on the weekend, and she replied that she was planning on visiting other towns on my island. Immediately after that though she suggested that we go out on the next day (Thursday), which I agreed to.
Now to be frank most of my dating life sucked. I was 26 at the time with no sexual experience and with only a girlfriend of 1 week. I used to be very shy when I was younger and although that has changed my luck was no better. Almost all the girls I wanted had relationships. So with that in mind I was very skeptical on why she was so eager to go out the next day.
On Thursday, we went on a pretty chill date. We did not even sit somewhere to eat or drink; we just walked a lot around the town. We were constantly talking with no awkward pauses etc. So at the end of the date, she asked me if I wanted to hang out the next day too. I was very surprised but immediately said yes. Friday morning, I texted her to ask if the plans for that day were still on. She took a while to reply, and by a while I mean she replied in the afternoon with a quite unsettling text. I will try to convey the message she sent me: “I just want to let you know that I had a lot of fun yesterday, but since you are on Tinder, that means that you may look for something more between us. And a very recent ex of mine plans to travel here to make things up with me, and I want to give him a chance.” After that text, I was quite sad, to be honest, and the older me would never reply back to her never again. But I had set myself up to change and as sad I was I texted her back this “That’s totally acceptable. You are not obliged to date me. But is our burger night still on for tonight?” and she replied with a yes.
After another fun date on Friday, she wanted another date on Saturday. We drove to another town for that and we had a lot of fun even with what happened she seemed she wanted to spend time with me.
On Sunday, we hadn’t plan anything so I went out for a long walk by myself, and while we were texting to each other, I mentioned to her that I was on a walk and did she want to join me? She did indeed join me, and we went for dinner and then walked for at least 2 hours. I also told her I collect some Yu-gi-oh Cards and I would give her one the next time we go out and she really seemed to like that.(That’s kind of important for later)
After that I lost her for 2 weeks. Her ex-boyfriend had seemingly arrived and we lost all contact. And at some point I uploaded a story to Instagram that was from the other town we visited on that Saturday. She replied to that and asked me to confirm the location. So we started talking back and forth again and eventually decided to go on another date after 2 and a half weeks. So our next date would be, at least for me, the most important one, because I was set to make a move on her (since things didn’t go as planned for her with her Ex). Keep in mind, I was very inexperienced, and was constantly trying to find ways on how I would go for a kiss. So here comes Friday, the day we arranged the new date. I gave her one of my collectible cards and she really was way more excited than I thought she would be . She was staring at it for like 10 minutes. For our date I had thought of us going for a swim, since maybe that would close the distance between us. Oh boy I was wrong, because she wouldn’t stop swimming away haha. I started to get anxious since that plan didn’t work. After the swim we went to get ready to go out for dinner and then for a walk. At our walk we went to the lighthouse of the town which is quite romantic and just sat there.
I just couldn’t go for a kiss since she wasn’t that close to me. So I mustered up the courage and just told her “I want to kiss you” and to my surprise she found that cute and set herself up for a kiss. We started kissing for like 10 minutes and after that we had planned to go for a motorcycle ride. But when we reached my motorcycle, she told me she was tired and wanted to go home (and immediately I thought she didn’t want the date to continue) and she invited me over to the Airbnb she was renting. We went there and sat a little bit on the TV. As time progressed we started making out again and that eventually that lead to sex. I was totally inexperienced and had some trouble with erections due to anxiety. But I did try my best to make her feel good, and she even told me something I was not expecting “you are the only person I’ve seen that cares that much about someone else’s sexual pleasure before their own” I really considered that a compliment.
All good for now. We went on 2-3 other dates and even rented 2 Airbnb’s on other towns to visit as mini trips. Now something I think needs to be mentioned is she was very obsessed with work and she even wanted to start her own business. She had a very good salary and she almost never let me pay for her, even on the first date. Not only that, she was the one paying for me. She even rented the Airbnb’s we stayed at because she said it was only fair cause I was driving her there.
I feel the need to clarify that cause I really think it shows some kind of caring.
Eventually I found out she had her birthday the previous weekend (which followed the successful date) but she didn’t want to let me know when. So I got her a little present. It was 2 earrings and planned on giving her those on our 2 day mini trip. The first town we went was in Lasithi, which frankly was the best day of all, minus an important information. We went there, we ate at a fantastic tavern, the city was beautiful. In the afternoon before we went out, we had a little fun on the bed and started talking. I was thinking those days if the relationship would last cause she was living in Ireland. But she told me that she didn’t want a long distance relationship, which I can understand, but she told me we could eventually meet again.(big lie for no reason cause I didn’t push her to tell me something like that).
After that we had the best dinner and walk in the town and when we went back to our apartment, I gave her the earrings and wished her a happy birthday. She seemed to appreciate that a lot and a while after that a quite hot night occurred.
The next day, we got ready for the next town. It was fun, but I could tell something was a little bit off. She even slept on the couch (cause of the snoring maybe?) and the sex was quite unexciting compared to the previous day. Anyways long story sort we eventually went back to my hometown on Saturday. On Monday, she would leave for good this time; I think it was 10-11 of June. So on Sunday was our last date, which was mediocre to say the least. I even told her grab some selfies together (she never asked for any pictures) and she went tired really quickly. And even though it was our last day together, there was no sex only some kissing so yeah (I don’t mind not having sex, obviously, but since she would leave so far away, one would think one last time of connection would be required)
Monday arrives and I told her I would drive her to the airport. When we arrived there we kissed and said goodbye. I could see her eyes a little bit red. Now when I went back to my car I wrote her a message “that I had a lot of fun and I would miss her” which she didn’t reciprocate. Especially on the “I will miss you part”. She told me before she left she would let me know when she arrives in Ireland. Which she never did, and I asked her myself cause I got a little bit worried. I could tell from the chat something had changed though. We talked a little bit for like a week and I could tell she didn’t want to talk so I stopped. Keep in mind I’m never pushy or clingy so when I stop I stop FOREVER.
Some days went by and she even stopped liking my photos and my stories. I was totally mind blown on why such a 180 degree change happened . We didn’t argue and we had a lot of fun together. I did not upset her in any way so that change of behaviour got me shocked. After some months she eventually started liking my pictures again and sporadically some of my stories (like once a month) We had stopped talking for good and on New Year’s Eve, I Just wished her a happy new year (didn’t expect to start a chat but I expected a happy new year back) which she read and left on read. At this point I started getting insulted. We shared a month together (which I know is not long) but I did nothing to get treated like I didn’t exist at all. Also what bothers my mind is that if she wanted just a fuckbuddy why would she choose me. I wasn’t good at bed for sure because I had no idea what I was doing. Why would she invest so much time and money on me just for me to be her fuckbuddy? She was a stunningly beautiful woman she could easily had many guys at will. After that I never texted her again. She kept liking my stories once a month and some of my pictures. I always thought that that was her way of reminding me she is still there even though we don’t talk. But now after September of 2023 she stopped everything. Nothing. No pictures no stories of mine.
The thing is I feel like she has forgotten me and if there’s one thing I can’t take is that. I hate being forgotten more than anything else. I really don’t care to rebuild the relationship with her but I would like to know that she still exists somewhere and that once or twice a month we could exchange our news. But her leaving so far away and acting like I don’t exist still bothers me so much till 1.5 year later.
So how can I let go and move on? I sadly didn’t have the chance to date (successfully at least) another woman so she still lingers on my mind. I am just so tired of getting sad for her for treating me like that. Like I’m insignificant . I feel like my one and only dating success didn’t even matter at this point. I miss her yes but in a way I mentioned before . I would like to have some contact with there once in a while as a friend . What she is doing now is just cruel.
Sorry for the long rant but I’m really tired and want to move on. I keep getting hit like a truck very often because of that…
Summer Loving
There’s a rather famous line from Hamlet that I feel is appropriate here, SL: “For there is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so.” That is: the way we think about things is often what ultimately decides whether it was a good experience or a bad one.
That’s about 90% of what’s going on here. You had what many people would think was a magical summer adventure – the sort of thing that people literally write novels and screenplays about… but your way of looking at things – and missing some critical clues and outright statements along the way – is poisoning it for you. This is in some ways the epitome of “snatching defeat from the jaws of victory”; you had an experience that many people would kill for and it’s become bitter and harsh because of this outlook.
Here’s the disconnect: you’re looking at this experience very differently that she did and I suspect that those expectations are what ultimately got in the way – both at the end of the experience and coloring your expectations after.
What Gina expected, and ultimately had, was a summer fling. She came to the Greek islands on holiday, apparently at least in part to deal with an ugly break up. Over the course of her stay, she meets a charming local on a dating app, goes on a date, has a good time but oh, woe, she doesn’t want to overpromise because a) you met on on Tinder, b) she’s on vacation and c) a fresh break up, all of which meant that she doesn’t want to lead you on to something she can’t deliver on. And a second-act complication! Her ex is coming to the islands, hoping for a second chance! But wouldn’t you know it, it didn’t work out but that charming local is still around and still interested in hanging out.
Another date leads to sex, sex leads to a couple more weeks of touring around, seeing the sites and the sort of vacation that literally gets turned into summer airport reads, before she goes back to her life in Ireland.
You, on the other hand, saw this as something far more serious and far more significant than she did. Even if you weren’t seeing it as a long-term relationship, you clearly hoped and expected that it would be much more than it was and that it would last significantly beyond the bounds of her vacation.
Now, to be fair to you: this is as much about experience, and the lack thereof, as it is anything else. It’s a little easier to recognize a very short-term fling for what it is when you’ve had more experience under your belt. But while experience helps, it also seems like you’ve missed a few times where Gina was giving you the heads up as to how she saw this whole thing.
Right off the bat, when she told you that she didn’t you to get the wrong idea – seeing as you met on Tinder and her ex was coming to town – that was the first indication that this wasn’t going to be a Love To Last The Ages. Now, she was saying this in the context of giving her ex another chance, but this was also her telling you “don’t get too attached to me”. Similarly, when she told you that she didn’t want anything long-term and that you might see each other again in the future, she was saying “this is a fling, I’m going home, if we ever see each other again and we’re both single, maybe we’ll hook up again”. And honestly, I suspect that part of what motivated her telling you this was that she could tell that you were getting much more invested in this than she was… and likely more than she was comfortable with.
I suspect that the tipping point was buying her the earrings for her birthday. The Yu-gi-oh card was cute, something that would make a sweet souvenir of your time together. Getting her jewelry, especially for her birthday, was going to come off as being more significant. Even if these were relatively cheap or simple, jewelry tends to come pre-loaded with meaning – intentionally or otherwise.
She didn’t tell you about her birthday for a reason and I think that your seeking it out and getting her a present – while heartfelt and sweet – was a moment of “oh no, I think he’s gotten too attached” for her. I suspect that is at least part of why she was seeming distant, afterwards. Physically separating (sleeping on the couch instead of in bed with you), the less enthusiastic sex and then no sex at all on the last couple days, coupled with not responding to a more romantically tinged farewell text… these all suggest to me that she was getting a bit uncomfortable with the level of investment and attachment you were showing at that point. I don’t think her not responding at all was a great move on her part – it comes off as callous – but I think this was the text version of trying to pretend that one just didn’t hear the flirty thing another person said.
As for the rest… honestly, I think people read far too much into social media behavior, especially when you’re dealing with a platform with an algorithm that can and will just not show posts or stories for one reason or another. I think using likes, reacts and views as the 21st century version of Victorian Flower Code mostly leads to wishful thinking and overly creative interpretations (and glaring miscommunications) than anything else. The fact that she started occasionally liking your posts again months down the line could well be down to “the algo showed her your pictures again”. Yes, it could also be because she hoped that a few months of not hearing from her might cool things down… but honestly, it’s all speculation, and ultimately, it’s not going to change the outcome either way.
Now I know this sounds like I’m mostly just dumping on you, so I want to be clear: you did amazingly well. You had an incredible experience, a golden summer romance that should be something to cherish. If you separate your disappointment for how things ended from what actually happened when you were together, I think you would find that this is the sort of core memory that would be the start of more incredible experiences – something that should boost your confidence and self-esteem.
And, quite frankly, I think it still can be, once you get a bit of distance and perspective. The way we feel about events in our past can, and frequently does, change over time. As we get older, gain more experience and develop a wider perspective, what seems disappointing at the time can often turn out to be something significant and wonderful… in no small part because we change how we look at it.
Yes, it would’ve been nice if this had been the birth of something more with her, but not every love story is meant to be an epic poem. Some are just meant to be short stories, and they’re no less important, meaningful or valuable for being brief. If anything, they’re like shooting stars – they burn bright and fade fast, but that makes them all the more beautiful while they last.
So, my suggestion for you? Start reframing this in your mind. Yes, it sounds woo-woo bullshit to say “think of it differently and it’ll all be fine”, but I really do mean it. If you see it as a summer romance that taught you a lot about yourself, including learning from some mistakes so that you don’t repeat them in the future, I think you’ll start feeling differently about the whole experience.
Just as importantly, reframing it this way will make it easier for you to let go of the anger and frustration you’re feeling – and I suspect it’s directed at yourself as much as it is at Gina. This was a moment of two people coming together for a brief period of time – bright, beautiful and beginning and ending in an eyeblink, but no less valuable for it. Now armed with this new knowledge about what you’re capable of? I think you should take it as something to improve your confidence and self-worth, as well as challenging any self-limiting beliefs you’ve had.
I mean, think about it. Yeah, you would’ve liked a different ending to this story – something more akin to Before Sunrise than Roman Holiday – but now you’re the magic summer fling that she had while on vacation in the Greek islands. That’s not forgetting you in the slightest; that’s making you an almost legendary figure, the sort of person that’s usually only found in romantic movies and books that make women fantasize about having similar adventures.
It’s a shame that this didn’t end the way you would’ve hoped, but that doesn’t mean that this is something to be bitter about. Change your thinking about this experience, SL. There’re things to learn, sure, but overall? This was a triumph, not a failure, and a reminder of just how much potential you have and what you’re capable of.
Good luck.
Hello Doctor!
I am Freezing Frog! I wrote to you before ( in 2018 I believe? Covid time skewered my time perception) and was lucky enough that you published my letter and gave me an amazing response in a moment I was doubting myself and it really helped me at the time.
I don’t expect you to remember me since you receive a bazillion letters each week, but tonight I remembered that moment and I thought you may like an update on me.
Tonight I gave successfully my number to a girl way out of my league and I thought on what person I was back then. I am now older, a bit wiser and a lot more happy! I had some setbacks along the road, but I managed. I didn’t found the One yet, but I enjoy my life so much more now.
I changed my carrier after covid and returned to school to study again (psychology and victimology). I found my passion and what drives me. I want to help other people who might have lived through what I went through, and I am no longer ashamed to say it out loud.
Maybe the One was myself all along.
Thank you for helping me out in that moment, I am doing much better now!
Freezing (Thawing) Frog
That’s great news, TF! I’m glad to hear that you’re doing so much better and that things have improved for you. You should absolutely be proud of all the progress you’ve made, and here’s to hoping to doing even better in the future.
Thanks for writing in to update us on how you were doing!
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