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I’m a 23 year old guy living in Munich, Germany. I am member of a dating site that focuses on the Munich area and I always follow your 3 Email Dating Secrets when writing to a girl. This is quite hard because the girls provide hardly any specific information about themselves. I even studied their images for non-apparent hints.
Yet none of my mails scored an answer.
To get the big picture I decided to set up a fake female profile (also aged 23) equipped with sexy pic and standard essays that would fit any human being. This profile averages 30 messages a day and 90 percent of the guys just reproduce your intentionally boring counterexample from the “3 Email Dating Secrets” article:
Dear JB,
I read your profile and thought it was really amazing. Plus, you’re really cute. So please look at my profile and if you like what I had to say, write back to me when you get a chance.
Yours, Evan
Though only paying members can send messages virtually none of the guys was as clever to provide further contact possibilities like an e-mail address. When I write to girls I always provide a single purpose e-mail address but still this does not make me stand out of the crowd.
Now, Evan, apart from matters of me being only as valuable as my options, is there any possible way to write to a girl with zero-info profile and still make my mail stand out of the 300 “Like your profile. Wanna meet?” morons?
Ok, maybe it’s just not possible but I think everyone would like to read your ideas on what kind of ingenious mails women expect men to write when their pic is the only thing that distinguishes them from all the other women. They always complain about male one-liners but would they actually know what to write to themselves?
Thanks a lot,
Chris
Dear Chris,
You want to know how to get someone to respond to your email? Cite their previously written articles. Flattery will get you everywhere.
But seriously, this is a great question — not just for men, but for women as well. Clients of mine and readers of this blog are, in general, smarter than your average bear. Which means three things:
1) They’re more likely to write a unique and interesting profile
2) They’re more likely to be a bit elitist about how boring everyone else is. And this last one is my favorite…
3) They’re just as likely as anybody to write to someone just because he/she is attractive.
Yes, we’re all looking for someone interesting, brilliant, witty and kind, but we’re perfectly willing to contact someone who is hot and boring.
Yes, we’re all looking for someone interesting, brilliant, witty and kind, but we’re perfectly willing to contact someone who is hot and boring. Which is why I routinely get emails from men, saying “What am I supposed to say to her? She’s sexy and has nothing to say.”
To which I say, “Why would you want to sit across a dinner table from someone who is sexy and has nothing to say?”
To which they say, “Uhhhhh….”…
Oh, and by the way, women are no different. Doesn’t matter how high-powered, spiritual, deep or intelligent, women’s favorites lists are littered with cute guys with square jaws, washboard abs and dull profiles.
Still, I’m not here to mock the value of attraction. I’ve written to bimbos, I’ve written back to bimbos who have written to me, and I’m certainly not above two people acting on mutual attraction. It’s just that most of the people I talk to are interested in serious relationships with other intelligent people — and yet they can’t resist the pull of writing to the hottie with the 90 IQ. And they’re looking for me to give them the magic bullet that’s gonna do the trick.
There IS no magic bullet. Maybe you can find some pick-up artist out there who swears he’s got the formula that works, but I have to call bullshit on it. Super attractive women get hundreds — nay, thousands — of emails, and they can afford to be as selective as they want. She wants a guy 6’2”, Presbyterian, $500K+, who likes cycling and art? Guess what? She can find him. And the magic email won’t make a whit of difference. The reason I talk about the power of differentiation — username, headline, photos, essays, email technique, dating technique — is because ALL THINGS REMAINING EQUAL, this stuff gives you a competitive advantage. But a genius email is not going to convince a woman to date a guy she wouldn’t otherwise look twice at.
If you don’t like the quality of the attention you’re getting online, put out a better quality profile. You WILL get higher quality responses from higher quality people.
The most important concept you’ve brought up, Chris, is your final point, which I can’t emphasize enough: All you women who complain that you get losers writing to you online… What would YOU say to yourself? (Guys, this applies to you, too, just not as much). Go on, reread your profile. Are you nice, smart, down to earth and funny? Do you like hiking, biking, movies, music, travel? Are you looking for your best friend and partner in crime? Do you love to laugh? If so, you shouldn’t be too surprised if people aren’t writing you anything interesting.
This, I find, is revelatory for a lot of women. You think that because you’re receiving a bunch of emails that say, “Hey, great profile”, that you actually have a great profile and that it doesn’t need any work. NO!!!! The only reason guys say that to you is because THEY HAVE NOTHING ELSE TO SAY TO YOU because your profile is so generic.
If you don’t like the quality of the attention you’re getting online, put out a better quality profile.
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