What Do I Do About My Low Sex Drive?

Doctor’s note: Today’s letter deals with sexual and emotional abusive relationships and sexual assault

Dear Dr. NerdLove:

I (23m) have always had something of a low sex drive, as in, I just don’t really enjoy having sex or masturbating. I mean, there are some times when I do, but I would say it’s probably not on the level of other guys. I can’t really put a number to it or anything, and it’s not an issue with getting it up or anything, that all works just fine. I just don’t really like sex that much – sometimes I want to have it, but most of the time I’d just rather cuddle or spend time with my partner in other ways. This has proven a problem in my relationships and has only gotten worse after a recent one.

I’m not really too stressed out about finding a partner or anything – I don’t really go out to try and pick up girls because that isn’t really how I connect with people. All of my relationships dating back to high school have come as a result of forming a friendship and the girl eventually asking me out, or asking me to ask her out. I’m just worried that I won’t be able to keep a relationship because of my sex drive problem, since it’s caused trouble in pretty much every relationship I’ve had in the past.

It’s only gotten worse after my most recent relationship. Three years ago, I entered a pretty serious long-term relationship. We clicked on basically every level, and the only hold-up was the sexual aspect of the relationship. She had a very high libido, she wanted to have it all the time and I, not wanting to disappoint, would sometimes just force myself to do it even when I really didn’t want to.

Eventually she kind of got tired of how I wasn’t really into sex as much as she was and would voice that to me. I really loved her and imagined I could have a future with her, so I again tried to improve myself for her. She was really into roleplay and would kinda pressure me into acting out these scenarios that made me feel really uncomfortable – I don’t really want to get into the exact specifics of that, but basically it was a “pretend non-consensual” thing that she had done with other partners in the past and was very into (I hated it).

If I mentioned to her that doing these scenarios made me feel gross, she’d just get upset and make a fuss until I gave in. I don’t really think it was extreme enough to call “abuse”, but she would raise her voice, attack certain insecurities of mine, and on a few occasions she would slap or hit me. Not enough to hurt me physically, but it didn’t really make me feel good emotionally. She was very hung up on gender roles and would tell me that I, as a man, should want to do it all the time and be the one to initiate. Again, I really wanted to make things work with her since everything was perfect outside of this one issue – so I just kind of forced myself to do these things I didn’t enjoy.

Eventually I realized that this relationship, as much as I loved 90% of it, wasn’t going to work out. I talked to her and we both agreed we’d be better off with other partners. But my experiences with her have made my sex drive issue worse.

Months ago, a girl I was interested in came on to me at a party, and she put her hand on my leg. Just her touching me made me think of my experiences with my ex. It really spooked me and I had to excuse myself from the situation. I think that whole thing ruined my chances with that girl, and I’ve begun to doubt I’ll ever find a girl that will put up with my issues.

Recently I entered therapy for unrelated reasons, and I’ve been talking with my therapist about these issues. They’ve given me very good advice, but I still feel like I probably couldn’t initiate sex even if I wanted to.

I’m worried I’ll never be able to keep a woman sexually satisfied going forward. My therapist has told me that I can just tell any future partners about the issues I had with my ex and how they affected me, but I can’t think of a way I’ll be able to breach that topic without looking like some kind of weirdo hung up on a girl from years ago.

I’m already seeing a therapist, but I’ve followed your blog for a while, and I was wondering if you would have have any unique insights on how I can conquer this.

Low Key Low-T

Alright man, I know you’re writing about your sex drive, but I want to leap straight into this part first: “If I mentioned to her that doing these scenarios made me feel gross, she’d just get upset and make a fuss until I gave in. I don’t really think it was extreme enough to call “abuse”, but she would raise her voice, attack certain insecurities of mine, and on a few occasions she would slap or hit me.”

Dude. DUDE. This shit right here? This is abuse. She is being abusive. Abuse isn’t defined by “well, did she hit you hard enough to leave marks”, nor is it “well did she threaten to kill your puppy if you didn’t do what she said”. This is someone who’s not just weaponizing your insecurities in order to coerce you into doing things that you don’t like – things that you said, straight up make you deeply uncomfortable – she’s also being physically abusive. You were being forced to do things that made your skin crawl by someone who knew it and who would react with emotional and physical violence when you balked. THIS IS ABUSE, and it should be labeled as such.

Quite frankly, I think one could even classify this as sexual assault, seeing as she was abusing you until you’d give in and have sex that you absolutely didn’t want. Whether it would fit the legal definition where you live is up in the air but HOLY SHIT my dude, I am so sorry you’ve been through this.

(Going by some of what you say here, it  seems likely that she’s got her own trauma in her past. That tracks; abuse is frequently a cyclical issue and hurt people often hurt people. But that’s someone’s history, not an excuse for what they’ve done in the present, to you.)

I don’t care that the remaining 90% of the relationship was good. This shit negates that. So, I’m glad you got out but fucking hell man, I wish you could’ve gotten out waaaaaay the fuck sooner. And honestly, I’m glad you’re working with a therapist but holy hopping sheep shit, I hope you’re talking with them about the trauma this has left you with. That moment you had with someone at a party? That, my friend, is what’s known as post traumatic stress disorder brought on by the fact that you were being abused by your girlfriend.

It’s important to recognize that this behavior is abusive, to name it, and recognize it for what it is. Not just because of how many men have been in abusive relationships – far more than people realize – but also because you’re taking this as some sort of sign that there’s something wrong with you. It is not. This was something that was done to you, not something that you caused. THIS WAS NOT YOUR FAULT. Ok? I want you to tattoo this backwards on your forehead so you see it in the mirror every morning. Shave your head if you need the room. THIS. WAS. NOT. YOUR. FAULT.

I mean, fucking hell man, look at how you’re describing it in those theoretical conversations with future partners: “looking like some kind of weirdo hung up on a girl from years ago.” My dude, I am here from the future to tell you that, were you to describe her behavior to those future partners, what you can expect (assuming that they’re people worth dating) is a dawning look of horror at what she did to you, not “man, why are you bringing up old shit.”

THIS WAS NOT YOUR FAULT. YOU WERE BEING ABUSED. WHAT SHE DID TO YOU WAS UNACCEPTABLE.

I am absolutely coming back to this, but let’s talk about why you wrote to me in the first place.

You don’t have a problem with a low sex drive, such as it is. If it were the case that you previously had an active sex drive that had either suddenly cratered, or diminished over time, then that would indicate a problem – either emotional or physical. There’re a lot of things that can torpedo a person’s libido, ranging from various health issues, hormonal imbalances, diet, tobacco use, cannabis use, medication (especially SSRIs), stress, depression, lack of sleep and more. However, what you describe seems to be a more life-long situation; it’s not that you used to be more sexually active (in the “have the desire to fuck” sense) and it dropped, it’s that you’ve always been kinda “meh” about sex.

This is why I think it’s more accurate to say that you have a low sex drive, and you’re experiencing problems related to it… but the problems don’t originate with you. The problems are, primarily around recognizing this for what it is, and other people being shitty about it to you.

What you describe is what’s known as asexuality. It’s estimated that approximately 1% of the population is asexual. It’s rare, but it’s not unknown. Sexual desire and sexual attraction is a multi-axis spectrum, not that different from sexual orientation or even gender identity. Some people have very high sex drives and crave sex. Some have very low sex drives and equally low interest in sex in general. Some people have low sexual drive at first, but that revs up when they get to know somebody and build an emotional connection with them; at that point, sometimes their sex drive cranks into high gear… but only for the people they have that close bond with. Some folks are repulsed by sexual activity for a multitude of reasons, some could take it or leave it, some will get a hankering for sex but only occasionally.

Now, part of the problem is that while more and more people are realizing that asexuality is a thing, the majority of the populace isn’t aware that it even exists. Many times, it’s pathologized, rather than treated as being more of a sexual orientation. People take the idea that someone may just be kinda middling about sex and see this as a flaw to be fixed or a disease to be treated, rather than realizing that hey, some folks just aren’t sexual. For many people – folks who, like you, are just kinda “meh” about sex, even with themselves –the problem is how other people respond. If folks were cool about it and took  it as “yup, that’s just how $PERSON is”, then there wouldn’t really be an issue. Instead, it’s seen as a mistake to be corrected… even if the person experiencing it doesn’t really have a problem with it.

There’re a lot of ways that people get shitty about it. For some – mostly women and femme-bodied nonbinary people – it’s treated as a challenge. “Oh, you just haven’t had good sex yet. Don’t worry, I’m here with my Magic Dick^TM to save the day. Now lay back and think of England, sweetie…” For men, however, it’s often taken as a sign of not being a real man. After all, REAL MEN^TM get stiff in a strong breeze! REAL MEN^TM  want to fuck all the time and would never turn down sex. REAL MEN^TM  would fuck concrete if they could get it soft and pliable enough because REAL MEN^TM are priapist satyrs!

I mean, fuck, your ABUSIVE ex literally said that to your face.

So, in a very real way, this is a classic case of, to steal a line from My Favorite Murder, Toxic Masculinity Ruining The Party Again. If you’re not ready, willing and always able to bang out at a moment’s notice, can you even call yourself a man?

(Yes, yes you can, because being a man isn’t contingent on how much you fuck, how much you WANT to fuck, who you’re fucking or how.)

So the first thing I think you should do –  besides talk about trauma from being abused with your therapist – is to visit the Asexuality Visibility and Education Network at asexuality.org. This is one, if not the largest community and resource hub for information about asexuality and the asexuality spectrum. There’s a metric fuckton of information to be had, ranging from studies to other people’s experiences with being asexual, and I think it will do you a world of good to read up on it. Understanding asexuality, how it presents for folks and how people relate to it, is going to be incredibly useful to you going forward – especially when it comes to your future relationships.

Remember how I said that part of the issue you are having is how other people were responding to this? One of the underlying complications is that it’s very hard to explain yourself to others – including potential partners – when you, yourself, aren’t aware of what’s going on. By being able to apply a label to it, you’re able to put your experience in context, especially in context that other people are more likely to understand. While asexuality is rare and relatively new – AVEN only started in 2001 – awareness of asexuality is, thankfully, on the rise. You’ll see a lot of folks, for example, talking about being ace or aro (that is, aromantic), being “grey ace” (people who are somewhat indifferent to sex or only feel sexual desire occasionally) or demisexual (only forming sexual attraction to people who they have a close emotional connection with). When you can tell folks that you’re asexual, rather than you have a low sex drive, they’re better able to understand that this is part of who you are as a holistic person, rather than being a man with a problem.

Part of why this can be important is that it helps set expectations with future partners. As a general rule, people who are looking for a romantic relationship also expect that relationship to have a sexual component. Letting people know that you’re asexual – or, as it seems in your case, potentially gray-ace – helps them understand what to expect in a relationship from you.

Now, this will mean that there are folks who won’t want to date you because of it. I won’t lie; that can sting. When someone rejects you because of something fundamental to your being, it’s gonna hurt, because it feels like you’re being rejected for being “wrong” somehow. But at the same time, what’s happening is that the people who say “thank you, but no thank you” are doing you a favor. One of the most important qualities to look for in a partner is whether you’re sexually compatible with them.

Sexual compatibility has a number of factors to it. One of them is the kind of sex you want to have and that they want to have. In the case of your ex – the one who abused you – you had someone who was into what’s called  “consensual non-consent” or what others might call “ravishment fantasies”. These are people who get an erotic charge from playing around the idea of non-consent… but in ways that they have consented to. Many call them ravishment fantasies because the idea isn’t that they’re being raped or forced into sex, it’s that they’re being compelled into something that they ultimately want and enjoy. It’s a form of eroticized power exchange, and part of what makes it work is that the person who’s being “taken” (as it were) is the person who’s actually in control of the situation.

You aren’t into it, and it kinda oogs you out. That’s absolutely legitimate, just as it’s perfectly legitimate for the folks who dig it. But that disparity – it creeps you out, but turns someone else on – is a sign that you and they aren’t sexually compatible.

But sexual compatibility goes beyond the kinds of sex you’re into. It also includes things like whether you’re monogamous or non-monogamous, how frequently you want to have sex or, for that matter, how important a sexual connection is to you. You are someone who isn’t that into sex and doesn’t feel a lot of sexual desire. That would mean that if you were to date someone who prioritizes a sexual component in their relationships, it likely wouldn’t work; the two of you simply aren’t compatible.

Now, this doesn’t mean that you automatically can’t be with someone who prioritizes a sexual connection with her partner or who is very sexual. There’re folks in mixed-libido relationships – where one person has an average-to-high libido and the other has a low-to-non-existent one – who make it work. They do so by finding compromises that keep everyone satisfied, which can range from maintenance sex and mastubatory assists, to ethical non-monogamy. There’re folks who even have what are known as companionate marriages, where their relationship is based on love, intimacy, trust and respect… but sex simply isn’t a part of their relationship and they’re ok with that, and they are permitted to get those needs met elsewhere. Those relationships are just as valid, rewarding and important as ones where a sexual connection is prioritized.

So if and when someone says “thank you, no” when you explain that you’re asexual, then ultimately they’re doing you a favor. They are people who you are not sexually compatible with, and trying to force yourself to be who they’re looking for will only end in disappointment and frustration… or worse.

So, going forward, when you look to dating again, you should be clear about the fact that you’re asexual and look for potential partners who understand that that means – both intellectually and what it would mean in a relationship with you. You want people who get you, who recognize that this is something that makes you wonderfully, uniquely you and who value you as a holistic person. Prioritize dating people who get you, who respect you and treat you with respect and who want a relationship with you, not the person they think you should be. Maybe they’ll also be ace. Or maybe they’ll be allosexual (that is, having a more typical sex drive/attraction pattern) and then you can build your relationship together and figure out together what sorts of accommodations and compromises would work for both of you. What you don’t want in a relationship is to just give in to whatever your more sexual partner wants.

And of course, part of why having that label can be important is so that you can understand that when someone acts like your ex-girlfriend does and shames you for not being more sexually assertive, more interested in sex generally and not wanting to do things sexually that make your skin craw, you can understand that they are absolutely fucking wrong for you and should be kicked to the curb like last week’s takeout. Because – and I told you that I was coming back to this – YOUR EX WAS ABUSING YOU AND THIS WAS NOT YOUR FAULT.

Seriously, we’re not skating past this. I know you said that 90% of it was great but, my dude, you were with someone who thought it was fine to abuse you and coerce you into sex you absolutely didn’t want to have. It’s entirely understandable that you have complex and complicated feelings about this but that was abuse and it’s still affecting you to this day.

I know we’ve covered a lot, so let me sum things up in a TL;DR for you:

• It’s not that you have a problem with a low sex-drive; you’re are asexual, likely gray-ace.
• You should visit the Asexuality Visibility and Education Network to learn more about being on the asexual spectrum
• This will be a “problem” with dating, in as much as it will exclude people who aren’t compatible with you on a romantic or sexual level
• There’re many ways to find compromises and accommodations with partners that will work for both of you, and you should prioritize people who will do so.

And finally

• Talk to your therapist about being abused and the trauma that it caused. Because THIS WAS NOT YOUR FAULT.

Things will be ok. You’ve made it through and you’re stronger and braver than you realize.

Write back to let us know how you’re doing.

All will be well.