What Do I Do After An Awkward Hook Up?

Estimated reading time: 15 minutes

Dear Dr. NerdLove: I’m in a really sticky position right now. I met this guy at school and we hit it off. He’s got an amazing personality, but for me I’m not insanely attracted to his looks. We talk a lot, and like I said we get along great and are good friends. It was pretty sudden.

Recently, we bumped into each other at a party and were chatting it up all night. We played a few games together, and then his friends and mine wanted to leave. My friend and I left at the same time because we both live in the same building. When we got back he walked me to my apartment, he kissed me – and he’s a great kisser. But I was worried that I didn’t want to go any further. We had both been drinking so it honestly kind of just happened. We ended up going further, and it was really bad. Just not a good experience. I’m so embarrassed and I’m really scared of people finding out. I lied to all my friends about it because I’m so embarrassed.

It’s not that I don’t like him; he a great guy. But the hookup was awful and I’m really embarrassed and I can’t shake the feeling that I shouldn’t have done it. I wish I didn’t. I don’t know if I just like attention or what, but I am super stressed about it. Like nauseous. I don’t really know what I’m looking for advice for, but I guess I don’t know how to shake this feeling and get over it? I don’t want to sleep with him again. And I’m worried that he might want to.

I just don’t know how to navigate this and I’m really anxious about it; the fact that I did it and the fact that people may find out.

Second Thoughts

Right off the bat, I feel that I should say that my reply to this went through a couple different versions. Fortunately, ST was able to clarify a couple points for me, which I appreciate.

With that all in mind, let’s talk about how to navigate the aftermath of a hook-up that leaves one saying “this was a poor life-decision”.

First and foremost: booze and intoxicants are infamous for enabling bad ideas and worse choices. While everyone handles alcohol differently, it is a disinhibitor, that can turn down the levels on the parts of your brain that say “I don’t think the ranger’s gonna like this, Yogi” while the rest stays at full volume. This include times when there’re parts of your brain that say “ok, let’s keep it here” and the other parts are saying “but he’s really good at kissing”.

Going forward, it’s a good idea in general to be mindful of how much you’ve had to drink and maybe make sure you alternate with a glass of water in between beers or cocktails.

(Plus, getting in the habit of drinking more water cuts down on the hangovers the morning after…)   

Second: Unless they’re directly affected or involved somehow, it isn’t anyone’s business who you do or don’t hook up with. You didn’t need to lie to your friends about it because they honestly didn’t need to know. Not telling them – or anyone – is an option. You’re free to be as private about your affairs as you choose to be. If you don’t want to tell your friends, or even acknowledge that it happened at all, that’s entirely within your right to do so. If you’re pressed on it, you can say “why do you need to know” and “how is this your business?”

(Now put a pin in this; we’ll come back to it in a couple minutes.)

Second: Don’t worry about whether your friend might or might not want to hook up again – not until he actually says anything about it, in any case. I know this is an “easier said than done” situation, getting worked up about what hasn’t actually happened yet and may not happen is a waste of your time and energy. Especially since what he wants is ultimately irrelevant here.

It sounds like what you would prefer is to have this entire night shoved down the memory hole, never to be discussed again. Honestly, that’s the end of the matter. The fact that you hooked up doesn’t obligate you to a repeat performance. If as far as you’re concerned this was a one-and-done, then there’s nothing more to discuss. He may want another try, if only on the grounds that whiskey impaired his performance or whatever and hey, it’s good to want things. But that’s ultimately a him problem; if you don’t want another go-round, then he can learn to live with it.

You also don’t need to have a drawn out discussion about why you don’t want to do it again. All you have to say is “look, we hooked up once, we probably shouldn’t have, and I’d prefer to keep things platonic between us.” You don’t need to justify your reasoning or explain why. If he’s a good guy and a reasonably mature adult, he should be able to accept “because I don’t want to” as an answer. It may not be the answer he wants, but it’s the only one he needs.

Now let’s talk about feeling awkward and embarrassed and stressed about it all. There’re a couple things at play here that’re worth digging into.

One thing you’ll want to do is zero in on what you’re embarrassed about. That is: are you embarrassed and stressed because the sex was awful and you don’t know what to do about it? Are you feeling this way about having had a hook-up at all and what it may say about you? Is the embarrassment about the awkwardness of having crossed a line with a friend that you don’t want to have a sexual relationship with? Or is it more reputational – that is, you don’t want people to know you had a one-night stand… or that you slept with him, specifically?

Getting some clarity is helpful here, because it’ll help you understand what, if anything needs to be addressed. Sometimes, the embarrassment and stress comes from just not having an idea of how to handle an awkward encounter that you’ve never dealt with before. A lot of the time, basic politeness is all you need. You don’t need to lie, but you also don’t need to say “hey, you suck in bed”. Mostly, politely avoiding the topic of whether it was good or not, and instead focusing on “this happened, it probably shouldn’t have and I’d prefer to go back to being just friends” will get you through it with minimal fuss.

If it’s about having a casual hook-up all… well, honestly, all it says is that you had a one-night stand with someone. That’s it. There’re no inherent value judgments to this. You can choose to avoid them in the future if you prefer. You may decide that if you’re going to sleep with someone – a one-off or not – you prefer that it be less of an impulse and more something that you’ve put some thought into and give folks the wave-off in the interim.

If it’s about worrying that word would get out that you slept with him, specifically, and what that might do to your reputation… well, that’s where it gets tricky. Not tricky in the sense of trying to do damage control, but tricky in the sense of trying to not let the opinions of others bother you more than they should. There will be people whose opinions truly matter to you – people you care for and respect – and then there are the opinions of strangers who have little impact in your life. The former can be important. The latter, far less so.

Now, again, trying to not give a damn about the thoughts of randos that you don’t know or care about is easier said than done, especially for women. We live in a sex-negative culture that’s full of double standards for how men and women conduct themselves and women take the brunt of the shit that gets flung about.

Part of the toxic and restrictive ideas of masculinity includes “guys are horndogs who can barely keep it in their pants and it’s good for them to fuck around,” and don’t get nearly the same amount of shit over who they sleep with.

Women, on the other hand, are still expected to walk the razor-thin line of being sexy without being sexual, desirable without being easily attainable, virginal yet still experienced and so on. If they so much as set a toenail over the line on either side, they’re given shit – too much of a prude, too much of a slut, too easy, too stuck up, too trusting or naïve, etc. It’s a damned if you do, damned if you don’t situation, even in the year of our Lord of 2023. Hell, a lot of the times, it doesn’t even matter if someone does manage to thread that needle; folks will just say shit about her based on rumor and vibes and nothing else.

It’s hard to not care or not take it on board when folks want to point and whisper, gossip or assign judgement. It’s hard to resist the urge to push back, to argue or to try to correct them. But half the time, pushing back just makes others double down and if you prove before God, the Doctor and the entire campus that someone is wrong… well, they’ll just pivot to something else entirely because ultimately it’s not about facts so much as justifying a feeling about somebody.

But again, this is where “need to know” comes in, along with “your body, your sex life, your call”. I’m of the opinion that folks should be having the sex they want – including no sex – and folks who disagree with the choices of others are welcome to keep it to themselves. I don’t think lying or denying that it happened is warranted, but I think you’re well within your rights to say “what business is it of yours?” or “I don’t discuss my personal life, thanks.” Doing your best to live your life to your greatest good and with integrity does far more in terms of helping navigate gossip than anything else… even if it feels like it’d be far more satisfying to dunk on someone tittering over your affairs.

Now, I do have to ask: if you’re embarrassed and don’t want your friends to know, is it because you’re embarrassed that you slept with this guy, specifically? You mention that his looks don’t do it for you – are you worried that people are going to find out you slept with him and say “Eewwwwww?”

If that’s the case… honestly, I’d say that you’re at the point where you have two responses. For friends, I would say draw a boundary and say that you’re not interested in discussing it, especially if they’re going to be shitty about it to you and remind them that he’s your friend. If they insist on making comments or teasing you about it, they get a reminder that you’re not cool with that behavior and – if they don’t get the hint – you find a better class of friend.

For everyone else, I would recommend practicing a flat stare and saying “…and?” with no affect whatsoever. Part of the point of judging and taunting you with the looks of who you hooked up with is to make you feel ashamed – to tacitly agree with them that you did something wrong or shameful. It’s about enforcing social norms and narratives and forcing you into a lower place in the social order. Reacting with shame, anger, embarrassment… these all affirm that their view is right and that you deserve their scorn.

But it ultimately only works if you buy in. By refusing to give a reaction or to buy into their frame, you reject their view entirely. It defangs their power to meaningfully affect you – reducing it to the level of “annoying toddler who calls you a poopy head”.

Now that doesn’t mean that it doesn’t still sting or make you feel embarrassed. It takes a particularly self-possessed person not to feel weird or uncomfortable if folks are whispering or pointing and laughing. But without your reaction, the “fun” of it gets very hard to maintain – and honestly, with the attention span people have these days, it’s the sort of thing that tends to get forgotten when the next great “scandal” rolls around.

All of which is to say: the only person whose feelings or opinions matter in this whole mess is you. It’s good to interrogate why you’re feeling the way you’re feeling about this, because that will help you figure out your path forward and how to not make the same mistake next time.

Who you do or don’t hook up with is really nobody’s business but yours. Access to the details of your personal life are a privilege, not a right, and you get to decide exactly how much anyone gets to hear. If you don’t want them to know? They don’t get to know. End of story.

Good luck.

Dear Dr. NerdLove: I’m 55 and I’m pretty kinky, so when the man I am dating (age 63) said he was up for some untraditional sex, I was excited. I was daydreaming about our upcoming butt play activities when he texted a picture of my large breasts he has nicknamed the twins and said, “these are fun for the whole family.” I jokingly quipped back,” I wonder if the Aadams family are available? I hear there all together ooky.” He said, “My twins and your twins.” I was like, “ummm, your daughters?” And he said, “yes. Let me send them a picture and see if they want to join us.” Then he asked if my daughters play with them. I was like, “no. They don’t even see me naked.” Omg—ewww. His twin children are 32, and obviously ok with this family dynamic-but I have been wrestling with this for over a week. How weird is too weird?

Squick Not Squee

Alright, it’s clearly time for my standard reminder about potentially fake letters: I’m ultimately not that fussed about whether or not a letter is 100% true or not if there’s something about it that could be useful to others.

That being said: I have a lot of questions here, because this guy casually suggesting “incest, more like WINcest” is fuckin’ weird at best.

But let’s take a second to talk about boundaries anda kink too far before we get to this, specifically.

I am generally of the opinion that  “Your kink isn’t my kink and that’s OK” or not harshing someone’s squee is the better way to go about life. People will be into things or get off to things that you may not grok, you may find off-putting or just plain disgusting… and that’s fine. If everything is safe, sane and consensual (or risk-aware and consensual, depending on who you talk to), then it’s none of my concern.

Similarly, I’m of the opinion that being willing to try things that are outside of one’s comfort zone or usual experience for the sake of your partner is a good thing… within reason.

Studies have found that “sexual transformations” – that is, making changes to sex for the sake of one’s partner – are an important part of relationship health and satisfaction. Doing things that your partner loves or gets off on, even if it does little to nothing for you, helps your partner feel heard, supported and appreciated. Knowing that you’re doing it specifically because you like making them happy increases that feeling of being loved and cared for. And, sometimes you may well catch a groove yourself; you may not be into that particular kink, but you may well find that you get a rebound thrill from the thrills you’re giving your partner.

But that’s where “within reason” comes in. There’re kinks that’re relatively easy to indulge, that ultimately ask very little of the non-kinky partner… and there are ones that will leave them feeling squicked out, violated or worse. Some kinks are easy to categorize; foot worship may give someone a bit of an ick, but it’s usually fairly minor. Impact play might be a level above that. Cuckolding, mummification, puppy or pony play… these are pretty intense, varsity kinks that a lot of folks just aren’t going to be able to get to. Any form of edge play (that is, with knives or other sharp implements), blood play or breath play are both varsity level kink AND potentially dangerous to boot.

However, people are going to vary in what is or isn’t acceptable levels of kink and what’s too far for one person may not be the same for another. So if you’re someone for whom foot play is just too much and trying to go through with it is going to freak you out or leave you crying in the shower, that is entirely valid. You get to decide where and what your limits are, period, full stop.

Now, it can be helpful to have a “yes, maybe, no” list – or come up with one with your partner and see where you have overlap and where you have conflict. If something is a “yes” for them and a “maybe” for you, you can talk about how – and if ­– there’s a way you two might be able to make that work. But if something’s a no or a hard no, then that’s it.

Now, back to your question SnS: I have a lot of questions about just the emotional and social intelligence of a guy who asks about whether your grown-ass children ever play with your breasts. Making jokes about sending nude (or even just lewd) pictures of you to his kids is going to raise an eyebrow from me. Making comments about inviting them to join you is where my eyebrows shoot clear off my face with enough force to bring down the International Space Station.

I think my first reaction in that situation – after “what – and I can’t stress this enough – the FUCK?” would be “is that a joke” and “why in the name of Zeus would you think this was funny?”, because someone being serious in that moment would be a “hop on the NOPE train to Fuck-This-Shit-ville” and I’d prefer to give them a chance to walk that shit back.

(Especially where siblings and twins are involved. To quote one S. Winchester: “They know we’re brothers, right?”)

Now that being said: you don’t need to give the dude a chance to walk it back if you don’t want. But you don’t need to excuse it either – “family being ok with this dynamic” doesn’t really make it better, even if it’s just jokey-jokes. Maybe he thinks he’s being clever. Well, to misquote Scalzi: the fail state of “clever” is “what the fuck is wrong with you?” That’s a lack of social and emotional intelligence that I think, jokey-jokes or not, is disqualifying and you’re free to say “you know what? I’m busy. For the rest of time. Lose my number.”

Assuming, of course, that any of this is real.